We Just Had Our Second Child and My Toddler Is Freaking Out, HELP!

Speod as much time with him as can he is to little sto help with his sister but try to include him inwhat ever you can he will grow up to love h and protect her what and see i raised 4 children and 7 grandchildren they do what ever they can to help each other good luck A. no hills

Help him by letting him 'help you' with the baby. Put out two outfits for the baby (weather appropriate) and have him choose which one the baby will wear that day. Have him get you a diaper when it's time to change the baby. Thank him a lot and praise him for being mommy's helper. Have special cuddle time with him that he can look forward to each day, read him a book or do something special with him. I've gone through that twice and this really helped.

One thing that I learned that REALLY helped was telling the new baby she has to wait her turn. Now I realize this sounds stupid because of course the baby doesn't understand, however the toddler does. Right now he feels like the baby is more important than him. It's time to turn the tables in his favor. So when your getting his breakfast ready and the baby wakes or fusses, tell the baby, "You'll need to wait a minute, I'm helping your brother right now." The next time say something like, "I know you need my help, but I'm helping Johnny. It's his turn." This really does go a long way to make the big sibling feel like he gets his time.

Another thing was we got our older sibling a PLASTIC baby doll (well before the baby was due). After our baby came, I'd diaper my baby and the sibling would diaper hers. When I would wash my baby, she would wash hers. My daughter quickly got the idea that SHE was Lula's Mommy and she had to take care of her baby. She even would lift her shirt to 'nurse' Lula!

Finally, I agree with the idea of ensuring your son has some "big boy time" everyday. I know your exhausted and the idea of breaking out paints or running around the backyard is probably more than you can bear right now. So take some time and go to the store. Buy about 5-10 new toys for him...crayons and a cool coloring book, stickers, a new block set, a new board game like Candyland...anything that's fun for him and easy for you to cleanup. Then, when the baby goes down for her nap, say "It's Mommy time with Johnny!" and go into your stash of stuff and make a big deal out of pulling out a NEW ACTIVITY that's JUST FOR BIG BOYS. Make this happen about the same time everyday, once a day (like the baby's am nap) so it gets built into your routine. Then play just with him until the baby's nap is over. As soon as the baby wakes say, "Hurry up! Help clean this up. We don't want the baby getting into your big boy game." My daughter LOVED the idea of protecting her new things from the baby and soon she would clean up herself while I got the baby. I found that doing this in the am worked best for us since I'd already had my morning coffee and was wide awake, and the toddler had energy and it wasn't "melt down time".

As a last point about big boy time and the lovely melt down time that usually happens before dinnertime, let him help. Keep him busy, but don't expect too much. Maybe he can set the table? put his cup on the table? put silverware out? mix some salad? I know this seems like "too much" for a 2 yr old, but the point is let him help you somehow (although don't expect it to really help), it's to keep him occupied while you're busy. Then tell Daddy when he gets home "what a BIG helper you have" and have Daddy fuss all over him and tell him how proud he is that his "little man" is helping Mom around the house while he's gone.

Usually for us, after dinner is Daddy time. I am exhausted and tend to the baby. Daddy and the kids clean up and then play. I am OFF DUTY! The kids relish having someone to play a game, wrestle with and then read to them in bed. I am usually getting the baby down and changing into bedtime clothes too.

I hope this helps. It worked for us! Good luck and congrats.

Hi J.! Congrats on the new baby! When we had our second daughter it was one week before our oldest turned 2. And boy do I know where you are. Here is what I learned: make sure you take at least 10-15 minutes a day for just you and your toddler...NO BABY. It's also important that Dad does this as well. Let's be real, for his whole life he has been the center of your world...and you his. Now there is this crying, sleeping bottle drinking thing between you and him...ewww! He doesn't understand what or why he is feeling what he is feeling and he wants things to go back the way they were....and we all know that's not going to happen. So, if you can carve out the time, take him shopping with you, for a walk around the neighborhood, read a book, snuggle, just Mom and toddler time it will make things much easier very quickly. Don't bribe him! Don't buy him tons of "guilt" gifts. Don't change your rules or discipline...consistancy is really the key here! Life changes all the time and this is one of those things that he just has to learn how to deal with and you are going to set the tone. If you make it "no big deal" it will become "no big deal". Let common sense be your guide and just love them both and it will all work out okay given a little time and lots of patience! Don't fall into the over-analizing or over agonizing trap! For hundreds of years little boys and little girls have been given the gift of siblings...and they managed to survive and thrive! FYI...my two oldest...the ones that are two years and one week apart in age....are 18 & 16 now and are best of friends! So hang in there!! Best wishes.

My girls are 22 months apart and I was NOT prepared for what it was really like when the baby came home!!! Looking back, I wish I had spent more one-on-one time with my oldest right after the baby was born. I did what I could to try and maintain the same schedule she had before my little one came along, but it was hard because I was nursing the baby and had to be available to her needs in terms of that. Someone told me about a month into it when I was complaining that my oldest had been literally smacking my youngest behind my back that the older child needs mom a little more than the baby at that stage, and the baby would not remember being put down right after a changing or feeding so I could pay attention to my toddler. It was so true, I found that little extra book reading time or play time with the toddler while the baby was sleeping really helped! With your first, you can just hold him/her and give him/her ALL your attention, but with second or third kids, it's not the case! My advice is to make sure the baby's needs are met, of course, and have some one-on-one baby time throughout the day, but do the same and a little extra for your toddler. It's hard those first few months because you are only one person, but trust me, it gets a lot better, and they will be such good playmates in a couple of years! Mine are upstairs listening to the radio together right now, allowing me to waste time on the computer!!! :) Hang in there!

We threw a party for our older one celebrating her new status as a big sister. We invited her young friends who were big sisters and big brothers to a "Big Sibling Party". We went to see a children's play, and had ice cream and a giant chocolate chip cookie and everyone brought gifts, mostly books about characters who were big sister. Helping to plan the party, being the center of attention, and sensing that she was joining a special club gave her the feeling of being important and made things transition much easier.

Good Luck.

We have 4 boys and we have gone through this many times. The one thing we did was refer to the new child as your brother, as if it is something for him. Also make sure you have one on one time with him every day. Occasionally have a relative stay with the baby so you and your husband can spend some time with him. Play a game or go to a movie, it doesn't have to be big, or long, just let him know that you always love him and have time for him.

Hello I am a grandmum and have seen this a few times within the family, it takes time but its all about your sons perception of being pushed out by the new baby. Things that have helped are not changing his routine, so he still has the ane structure to his day/week. Not picking up the baby everytime it cries, or he gets the idea that crying will get attention. Putting aside maybe 30mins/hour when the baby has a nap to just pay attention to him, play his favourite game, read his favourite book....dont worry about the housework it will wait. Tell him you love him and he's your special boy every day. get hid daddy to talk about what the 'boys' are going to do-footy/cricket/rough and tumble. Get the extended family to pay attention to him first when they come to visit not do the natural thing of going straight for the new arrival.
Good luck.

M.

It is normal. Create as much time for him as possible. If your feeding the baby tell him to grab a book. You or your hubby take time to have alone time w/ him.....take him to the park, ice cream, something BIG BOY that the bay can't due. They crave that alone time. Good Luck!

I have a 6 yr old, 4 1/2 yr old & 2 1/2 yr old... I went through this twice & soon will be doing it again.

Tricks I used to help the older kids was... when I was nursing the baby, I would have the older kid(s) grab a book & sit next to me and I would read to them. Soon they just looked at the babies feeding time as reading time for them. When daddy was home he would play w/ the older kids when I nursed so I could pay more attention to the baby & bond w/ it. When it was time to change the baby - if the kids wanted to help... I'd let them grab a diaper or pick out and outfit (out of ones I showed them) or a blanket to wrap the baby in. When I needed to buy something for the baby (bottle, blanket, outfit, ect), I always buy something small for the other kids (even if it only cost a dollar) and if the older kids were with me I'd let them help pick out whatever we needed. I think they feel closer to the baby when they see the baby in something they pick out for them.

Also, I tried getting the "housework" (dishes, laundry, broom sweeping, dinner in the crock-pot, ect) done after the early morning feeding when everyone else was sleeping - that is if I wasn't super tired. That way I had time to spend with the other kids when the baby was sleeping between feeding. The afternoon nap was for everyone - including me.

So you know... switching from being a parent of one to a parent of two is harder then any other number of kids. It will take time for you & your son to adjust to the change, but you will both be fine. Just try to give your son some one on one time & he will soon adjust just fine, go back to what he was doing & will love and protect his little sister (most of the time).

yes its very normal, i just went through the same thing. My newborn is now 4 and a half months and my toddler really likes him now. But give extra attention to your 1st and just be patient. Don't worry about the regressing let him understand that he used to be just this small...maybe show him pictures of him stuff like that, rock him like a baby, sing songs to him...he just needs to know that he is not forgotten

I totally agree with Lenore. When we had our girls 15 months apart I remember reading in a magazine about this young mother who had two young children together. She asked the doctor how she could manage her time between the new baby and the older child without neglecting either child. The doctor told her that the older child would remember and the baby would not. Good luck.

Siblings without rivalry is a book I highly recommend.

I tried to not to incorporate my daughter who was 15 mth when my son was born into caring for my son because I did not want to put her in a caregiver role. I would let her help if she initiated. I did encourage her to change her baby's diaper etc.. with her dolls. One thing she really liked though was when I did have to tend to my son, was to talk with her & describe how she was. For instance.... Oh listen, baby is hungry....did you know that you cried too when you were a baby & hungry?...Yep really loud & I would get you a bottle.....yes, you loved it. You would drink it right down and then you would get sooooooo sleepy. You made these sweet little noises when you drank. Seems just like yesterday, but it wasn't because your so big now aren't you? She loved hearing about herself & I catch her even now asking if she did this or that when her brother does something, so I think it helped to focus on her a bit so she didn't feel like she was being replaced. Best of luck...

The one that worked for me was to empower them with the job of "older brother". Teach him how he can help take care of the little one by getting the baby lotion, getting a new diaper for the baby, helping with the bath etc.
It is a job and kids love jobs if they get validated for doing them. He could earn points or stickers or whatever for the various jobs he does for her.
:) hope this helps you.

I have 2 kids.
While I was pregnant and after the 2nd baby came home... I spent a TON of time with my older child... prepping HER. It was about her that was important, not "my" pregnancy. Then once my 2nd baby come home... I spent MORE time on my older child.

Also though... an eldest child can also have a hard hard time... because SUDDENLY, just because of baby... the entire world changes. Meaning, adult "expectations" upon the older child, suddenly changes and becomes MORE... regardless if the child is developmentally able to fulfill those expectations or not. So you must keep your expectations age-appropriate and NOT "suddenly" expect him to do things or be able to do things at a pace that is beyond his age. A child, doesn't even know, how to act... nor that he has to act "Older", now and suddenly. Just because of baby. Meanwhile, his parents and the home suddenly is different... and everything revolves around the baby. All of these things, occurs at the SAME time and all these off-tangent expectations becomes HIS responsibility, now. So in a little child's mind... this is not exactly love or him being treated "fairly." A child's mind... feels things differently and the older child becomes 2nd fiddle.

Just make a LOT of time for him... don't expect him to know how to be an older brother. It takes learning. And, keep "expectations".... at his level and per his cues and keep it age appropriate.
"Regression" in a child, is a SYMPTOM of "stress" and the inability to cope with something, by the child.
And, it takes time for it to go away.

I would always tell my daughter, when she "became" an older sibling... that she is allowed mistakes, that she does NOT have to "change" who she is, that she is my 1st baby & I will always love her for that, that she does not have to "give up" all her things/toys just for baby, that she has her own routines which I will honor, that even if I am with her baby sibling that I am always looking out for her..
I even made up a special hand-shake and gesture, that she & I would do... just us. Just to check up on each other. Even if I was across the other side of the room, nursing baby, I would look at her and she would look at me and we would do our special gesture to each other. It made her feel "secure" and that I was indeed, thinking about her and not forgetting about her.

All the best,
Susan

http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/newbaby.htm

This site has a lot of great advice here, especially if you scroll down the page.

Your son wants to be reassured that he hasn't been replaced, feel loved and needed. When I had my second, I would ask my first to help out by bring me a diaper, or even just snuggle up to me while I nursed... He felt needed and not neglected when I included him too. Also, maybe get him a special "big brother" tshirt or book can help him see how much the baby needs him too. And lots of one on one time! I take my children on separate outings, little "dates with mommy" and they love it.

It's a tough transition, but he will get used to it!