Toddler Having Hard Time Adjusting to New Baby

Hello-
My sons are 16 months apart and I remember how hectic it was at first. Eventually, I had the boys on a schedule so I had uninterrupted time with my oldest while the baby was taking his morning nap. Another thing I did from the beginning was telling the crying baby, "Just a minute, I'm helping Oscar" so my oldest would hear that the baby had to wait sometimes just like he did.

1 mom found this helpful

I have 4, 3, 1 1/2 year old boys. What has helped the most is having them help. They usually enjoy feeling like the "big boy" and giving mom, and sometimes baby, and hand. Don't get so down on yourself...do what you can, when you can.

Hi M.,
there are thought here:
http://www.mamasource.com/request/12475326922760388609

including mine, so allow me to copy;paste my part here
and I wish you all the best and happiest days:

this topic comes up over and over again.
With my sons, I worked through it, consciously, and obviously with success as now they are 25 and 23, and still great friends , also with me :)
here is what I did:

please see what suggestions there are:

http://www.mamasource.com/request/4775273768706637825

Before, You were all for him, and now you have someone else who you are carrying in your lap, feeding, hugging, timewise much more than him. You need to apply all your creativity to making him feel happy about having a little sister and still a very caring loving parents, not feeling left out FOR A SINGLE SECOND. It is not an easy shift for a 2 years old, he needs your loving help! My two sons were exactly in the same situation, 2 years apart (now they are 23 and 25), and it was MY TASK to make sure they grow up great friends, not two fighting boys. It worked: they never had even an argument, and are still best friends, but I approached the situation with full consciousness when they were little. I wrote about it here, maybe it will help you:

"...to raise children close together is much easier than apart. U know there are families where kids fight, but when they are very little you need to work hard on making them friends. I have a really good experience on it as I have 2 sons 2 years apart, and now they are 25 and 23. You know, there has never EVER been a situation for them in all their life to have problems. Not a fight, not a battle, no tears, no arguments. there were VERY few moments when I heard that the voices in the room got louder, their talking was a little ...say, not agressive, but elevated, excited more than usually... so I came in and sometimes asked, are you all happy? and they ALWAYS smiled and said YES, and once I heard this louder talk, and I asked them: Is everything OKAY? And they jumped both up from the carpet where they were playing, and hugged each other by the shoulder, (you know this boys hug, standing next to each other facing you, throwing one arm around the other's shoulders :) - and they looked at each other, and said: we're fine. They were 6 and 4 then, I remember it so well, as it was obvious they had some kind of disagreement, yet they did not allow me to interfere, they sorted it out on their own and in peace.
Now when you have a girl older, your bigger task will be to make sure for her not to become jealous in the very beginning as the little baby will require more of your time and care, and she might feel left out. To avoid it, make her proud, IMPORTANT and responsible for little things that she can already do. Carry the laundry into another room, give the baby a pacifier, hug the baby, make sure the baby has a blankie on, such little thingies, you know. I told my elder boy from the start that this is his friend growing, and i need his help to raise him a good friend. So, my elder boy got so serious about it, that when the younger one started saying his tiny babytalk words, the older was fixing all the words, not allowing the little one to say anything incorrectly, very politely explaining the situation: the younger says "tla-bla-gla" through the pacifier, and the older took the pacifier out of his mouth, and told him dead seriously:"Ivan, this is no "bla-gla-tla" you see here, this is "THE CEILING" that you see. And indeed, with such a guide, the younger one learned perfect language very soon, in about 3 years old speaking like the older one who was already 5 :). You know what I say?"

:)

also, suggestions are here:
http://www.mamasource.com/request/17133554881794146305

All the best to all of you, Debi!

Oh man, any of us with more than one child has been here! I think the most important thing is to make special time alone with your older child without the newborn. Whether it's when your husband is home or some other time, he needs to know he's really special and you love him tons! The other thing that helps is to involve him with your new baby, whether it's bringing you diapers, giving the baby his pacifier (if you use one), etc. Once you are feeling up to it, how about a joint venture to the zoo with a friend who has a child around your older son's age? He'll have a playmate, and you can all enjoy the zoo together. I would also suggest a double stroller. It saved my life with my kids. It really does get easier with time, and they'll learn to love, play, and fight together! Good luck!

Be patient and give your little one time to adjust, I just went through this with a 20 month old and twins. My husband I gave our 20 month old opportunities to help with the twins (getting diapers, wipes, pacifiers), he didn't always choose to help. I also tried to rotate whose needs were attended to first so my toddler didn't feel like he was being set aside. We also had better days when we got out of the house for a few hours. Around 2 1/2 months old (twins) I tried to get out 1-2 times a week. It was hard and took a lot of time to get ready to go anywhere but once we made it to the car and were on our way it was good. We went to the zoo, the mall play area, the Children's Museum, the park, and shopping. I used a double stoller and a front pack so everyone was contained and I still had control over when and where the toddler could go. My 20 month old is now 25 months old and has really come around. He is helpful and beginning to show his babies some love. We have had many trying days and still do sometimes but it gets better each day. Good luck and make sure to take short breaks here and there for yourself.

Just a few suggestions, I am also a mother of two small boys, now 3 and 6. It has been a great help for us to find small separations between the ages. Yours are close in age but the older baby is still older and can be asked to help. Teach him that it is HIS baby. He can get onto mommy's lap 1st and with your supervision, help feed HIS baby. When you hold older brother to read, place baby next to you two so that together you are also reading to HIS baby and he is helping to show pics and such. If baby is portrayed as a new gift for only mommy then toddler will undoubtabley feel quite replaced and heart broken. Also be sure that older child sees how he is getting time alone with mom and dad while other parent tends to baby. "Look sweetheart, lets have Daddy feed your brother so you and I can go play cars, read, walk etc." If you are breast feeding consider bottle training infant for multiple reasons with expressed breast milk or formula: gives father chance to feed and bond, gives mom time with other baby, in case you become ill or sore or for many possiblities are unable to breast feed. That way baby will not suffer if/ when you need to bottle feed and will not feel shocked or distressed. Just be sure that boundries on play are set clearly for safety and and show example of how to treat baby and older son will be fine. Let me know if you need any other ideas. Best of luck and thank god for little boys!!!!!!!!

Hi M.,
Congrats with your new little one! Two children are great--eventually they will be great friends and playmates. As for the moment, don't feel bad about your toddler being "dethroned"; family is just that:FAMILY. It's not about any one person in particular and it's good for older children to learn to share mommy and daddy with a new little one. The trick is to make sure they continue to KNOW that they are loved and belong to your family, but that it's just getting bigger. (Show them and say, I love you, often)

With my second child, I made sure that my toddler son knew that he was getting something great in getting a little sister. We called her "his" baby and just acted excited when we talked about her with him. We made sure to let him feel included and a part of her birth and presence into our family. Some examples: In the morning, when I was nursing her, he would lay in bed with us and cuddle with Daddy. I often put her in a Moby Wrap and wore her around the house so that my hands were free to hug him and even pick him up, sometimes with her in the wrap.

I would still make a point to play with him daily when she was sleeping in my arms (you get used to doing things one-handed), or let him sit next to us while I was nursing on the couch and read to him (or point to pictures).

One big thing that helped is that my husband was an active participant. We would switch off holding the kids and make sure they both got a lot of "lovins" when we were all together. We made sure he understood that he was her big brother and best friend.

My son, almost 3 now is very gentle and affectionate with his sister because of it. He still proudly calls her "my baby" and tells her often "I wuv wu baby," while kissing her on the head. They laugh a lot together too. It is continual work now to make sure he still gets the quality time he craves and that they both get a good amount of "mommy"/"daddy" time.

We continually check and make sure that we are intentional in our time with our children. It doesn't just happen. Life is very busy and it takes a lot of effort on the parent's part; but the fruit is a close family.

I recommend, "The 5 Love Languages" book--it helps to know how your children receive love, just like adults do.
Best of luck with your new, bigger, family!
Love,
J.

Not sure if there really is any suggestions on how to juggle the two, somehow we just do, and then in the blink of an eye, they are suddenly in school, and in another blink of an eye, they are teenagers! They will fight and wrestle, scream at each other, and sometimes love each other, then they will get their own friends and do their own things and you will just sit back and watch it all unfold. Somehow you'll figure out what works for you and the boys and it will just happen. Have fun and good luck!

M.,
I am in the same boat you are, and I read most of the responses... and there are some great ideas! I have not had my second yet, but am due in a few weeks. My daughter will be about 23 months when he comes. I just went to register at the hospital, and the nurse there had some WONDERFUL tips on how to help my toddler adjust to her new baby brother. First, she recommended that I make a "mommy" box with her. I decorate it, and let her put stickers and stuff on it. Then we fill the box with things that I may need while I am nursing, like a water bottle, nursing pads, towels, whatever. Then when I am nursing I can ask her to bring me things from the mommy box. this makes her feel engaged and takes her mind off of the fact she is not the center of attention. Another suggestion she had was to make a "snak pak" little brown paper bags with a treat inside, that way when she is beginning to wear thin, and I am not able to meet her needs right at that moment, I can have her get her snak pak and she gets a suprise! At this age children have a difficult time understanding cause and effect... and distraction is the most effective tool, so both of these suggestions should work to help your little one adjust to mommy being busy. She also recommended that the older child go to the store and buy the baby a small gift like socks or a beanie, and then allow the toddler to give and put on his gift to his sibling. Good luck to you! I am very nervous about this as well, but it seems that alot of moms have dealt with this and everything worked out fine, I'm sure you and I will make it too :)

I did this 2 times! My daughters are 16 months a part and my daughter and son are 17 months a part.

Make your oldest child feel as special as possible!!! Encourage them to help in the care of the baby. Ask him to get diapers for you. Let him help you swaddle the baby. When it is time to feed the baby, get out a basket of toys that he can play with only when you are feeding the baby. Maybe some new toys or something that he will be excited to look at when it is feeding time. Show your son pictures of him when he was a baby and talk about how you cared for him when he was little. Make a photo album of his baby pictures, your new baby's pictures and some pictures of the 2 of them and of course with you. Talk to him about being a family of 4...you can use it to practice counting, too! :)

It is NOT easy. It can be extremely overwhelming and just plain hard at times. The good news? Neither of your sons will remember ANY of this!!!! Hang in there, girl.

This is tough because your kids are so close together in age. If you can get your oldest to be a helper, that would be great. But I think 19 months old might be too young to be a helper. Maybe have the baby give the 19 month old a special big brother toy to play with. Read books to him about babies, siblings, etc. Enlist the help of your husband. Take turns paying attention to each child. One-on-one, man-to-man defense! It will be tough for everyone adjusting to the new addition --- but you will adjust. These two will grow up to be very close.

Hi,

Just keep him involved as much as possible with the new baby. He will only feel dethroned as much as you TELL him that he is. The best thing you can give your son is a sibling. Give him lots of loves and reassure him what a wonderful big brother he is. Give him little jobs to help you with the baby to make him feel important.....mine are 18 months apart and have only known life with eachother in it and are extremely close. Good luck.

Hi M.-congratulations on the new baby. I hope you are recovery well.

My 2 are 3 years apart and still-it is a hard adjustment isn't it. Just a couple of things we did-not sure how effective it will be with yours because of a smaller age difference but worth mentioning. When the baby was asleep-it was the older ones time for mommy. We read books, color, watch a cartoon, make a snack, etc. One thing we had to really work on was teaching him to play by himself. I would get out some toys and start playing and then we he wasn't looking, I would sneak out of his vision and help the baby. Also, I had the baby bring a toy for his brother too. He did help with making bottles, getting diapers and picking out the baby's clothes to wear for the day.

BUT...the most important thing was patience! GOOD LUCK!

tell him that it's his baby too and he gets to help take care of it, and let him help.

my husband realized that he would have to take over a lot of the care of our oldest son so that i could focus on the baby. at first that was hard to convince our son that it was ok to depend on dad, even if he does things differently than me. some of the things my husband did, besides helping with the regular care of our son, were taking him to the park so i could nurse the baby in peace or get a nap, making foam noodle swords for sword fights, wrestling, teaching him tumbling, skateboarding with him, just about anything playful that he could think of that he could enjoy as well. we took pictures of them doing things together and made a "Daddy & Me" photo album. sometimes he would cry for his dad while he was at work or school and i couldn't tell if it was because he missed him or just felt left out with so much of my attention on the baby. but that photo book was helpful for him to look at during those times. happy adjusting!

Hi there, M.. I know what you're going through, my boys are also 19 months apart. (They're now 2 and 5 months) What we did to get my older son ready for the new baby was we got him his own "baby" to take care of too. (It doesn't really have to be a baby doll, a stuffed animal will work too. My son has a stuffed kitty that he carries around like a baby.) You could even try giving him spare baby items to use too. (i.e. bottle, diaper, paci) I agree with the others, try letting him help out with feedings (if you can) and changing and such. I did this with my boys and now my older son loves to help change his brother and change is "Kitty". Also, it might help to let him hold the baby (if he is interested), with your help of course. I know my son was always asking to hold the baby.

Yes! Don't forget about yourself too! Adjusting to taking care of 2 young boys is tough! So take some time out for just you once in a while. (I wish I could! I only get nap time. lol)

I saw that Kelle was interested in "playdates." I have also have been looking for playmates for my boys, if you are interested. We just moved to Co 2 months ago and we don't really know anybody.

Well, I hope my advice helps! Good luck and congrats! :D

It can be rough when they are so close together. I would say plan for success. Have a basket of toys for your older son to play with when mommy is busy with the baby. Keep it near where you sit when you feed him. Also have some books there to read if your son wants to sit with you. Maybe some soft toys meant for little ones that your son can use to start interacting with the baby.
Give it time, too. You're baby is brand new, and this is a big change for your 19 month old. There is a chance things will get harder before they get better. Just make sure you spend lots of time with your older son, like when the baby is sleeping or when daddy gets home and can take a turn. Let him know that he is still very important and very loved.
On the bright side, as they get older, your boys will probably be great friends. My mom and uncle were only 18 months apart and were best friends for life!

First, congratulatios! I hope you are enjoying your newborn. I have a 4.5 year old boy and a 19 month old daughter. It is inevitible that your older child will feel a little "dethroned". His world has changed a lot and it will take him some time to get used to. That being said, don't feel guilty, it is all part of the deal. Try to involve him in caring for the baby. He can get you wipes, or diapers, he can "entertain" the baby by singing or other silly antics. If you are nursing (a very jealous time) have him come sit by you and read to him or just cuddle. I know the first few months are trying and exhausting, and as much as he may make you feel horrible, just know that it will pass. In a few years he won't remember life without his little bro.

Congratulation!
What I would do is take the opportunity to read to the older kids while I nursed. Have special toys in a basket that could be played with while the babie was eating. Also, snack bag and mommy basket are good suggestions.

Each time we brought home a new baby, I would also bring home a present for the older kids from the baby. Maybe a special "Greatest Brother" or something like that. I would take it to the hospital with me, and the first time they would see their new sibling, I would say the baby had a present for them. Since this wouldn't help you know, maybe you could have your husband pick up something special and wrap it up from the baby.

I'm just going through this now and it DOES get better with time. I have a 19 month old daughter and a 3 month old daughter and it was quite difficult at first adjusting for everyone. My first daughter was not happy about her little sister and took it out on the baby and on me. She started preferring Daddy. It hurt my feelings, but at the same time, it gives me time to bond with the little one and him time to bond with the older one. I have my older daughter help me with "baby" and she seems to enjoy that. Getting me diapers, and if baby is crying, she says "baby" and wants to help her now. I have her play with her baby doll and we both change their diapers at the same time. It's getting better now that the younger one can watch everyone and is alert more and pays more attention to big sister. It was frustrating for a couple months though, because I was dealing with two crying babies, crying for different reasons. And my heart goes out to both of them: the older one because she was our world and now has to step aside and share the crown. And the younger one because she's having to compete merely based on birth order. As for keeping up with both, it's tough to do because their needs are so different, but as soon as your young one gets on more of a schedule, you can time visits out to the store, park, etc. I am nursing my younger and I have to time visits around her feeding. Luckily, my older one takes a nap every day at noon and that helps too. So getting them both on a regular routine and schedule really helps YOU (and them) find time for yourself. Good luck!

You have your hands full - I know - I have two boys exactly the same distance apart. It can be quite an adjustment for everyone. These are some things that helped us. Spend some special one on one time with your older boy while the younger one is sleeping and involve the older one in helping with the younger one so that he feels like he is invested in his care. Be sensitive to the older child's needs, but set clear boundaries with what behavior is not okay. Good luck! It does get easier for everyone. I think the first 6 months are always the hardest. You'll be amazed at how much your 19 month old changes & how much easier it is to communicate with him over the next 6 months.

My kids are also 19 months apart. I must say it was quite challenging, but now they are 4 and 2 and best friends MOST of the time. If you have the help, I would try to have someone to take the baby when you aren't feeding and try to give your 19 month old "floor time" or special time each and every day. Maybe he can "help" you feed the baby (haha) or help change a diaper. I know for my daughter, even just getting a paci or finding a diaper or wipes for me made her feel very important and helpful.

Not sure where you are located, but we are in CO and always looking for new playdates! Let me know if you are interested---obviously after things settled down!
Best of luck!

I'm curious about the other posts, I'm in a similar situation. I have a 21 month old little boy and am expecting my second boy in a week.

Congrats! My little ones are 15 months apart. The first 3 months were hard due to different schedules - mainly constant eating by the littlest. The boys are now 24 months and 9 months and are great friends! They play together and enjoy each other very much. Here's what we have done that is working great:

1. We tell the oldest what a great big brother he is constantly and the littlest what a great little guy he is.
2. We sit on the floor and play with both of them at the same time and encourage sharing.
3. The oldest helps us with EVERYTHING! He "helps" carry the carseat, the diaper bag, etc. He pushes the stroller. He feeds the youngest his baby food and eats some along the way! I am still nursing the baby but I always tell the oldest that his brother needs to eat so I have to sit down and feed him. When the baby was super little, the oldest would push his head towards the boobie to help him eat! The oldest helps take off the diapers and bring me wipes. When the baby's hat falls off, the oldest grabs it before I can ask. We make sure to always tell him what a good helper he is.
4. We give lots of cuddles and TONS of praise to both of them.

It does get easier. Especially, once you are able to leave the house again! I take them both to the park, gymnastics and we manage fine and have been since the baby was 6 weeks old.

Keep at it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.