Wanting Another Baby & My Husband Says No Way

I'd say... since he presented you with a logical argument... to look at THAT.

- pregnancy and birth costs
- 1st year food costs (formula?)
- doubling diaper costs
- bedroom / where would the 3rd sleep / can you continue living where you're living
- transportation costs = can you fit 3 carseats in your car?
- preschool costs
- school costs
- sports & activites costs
- returning to work at K or 1st? (puts that off for 2-3 more years, if you're planning on going back -or he thinks you are- when the youngest is in school
- vacation costs (5th plane ticket, larger hotel room/extra charges/ etc.)
- christmas and birthday costs (or how do you change what you already do?
- college costs

Siince it's a logical argument, instead of an emotional one... you can work with that. Either get to a place where you agree... or get to a place where you can counter logically as well.. until the 2 of you can agree.

To know, however, he may just be grieving. Many people (esp dad's) are *terrified* of losing another, and no one can guarantee it won't happen. If he's grieving then logical countering won't work.

Your husband could still be reeling emotionally over the loss of your twins (I'm so sorry). And he could be simultaneously rattled by the fact that it was twins. When you were pregnant and he "got used to the idea" of one additional child, it sounds like he had pretty much decided to bite the bullet and accept the inevitable. But that's still a long way from joyful enthusiasm. So in addition to grief, he might be also feeling tremendous relief, and perhaps not like himself very much for feeling that. None of these feelings would make fatherhood particularly appealing.

And meanwhile, you were awash with hormones and tenderness for the new life you were carrying. You and your husband were probably having extremely different experiences of your pregnancy.

I'd give this some time. Both of you could feel different a year or two from now. You might be surprised by a feeling of enoughness as your children get older and you get a larger sense of what parenting means. Your husband might feel less anxious about responsibility, money, and loss, and have more of a history of successful fathering that might increase his enthusiasm. Talk about this again when you sense the overall picture has changed.

I'm glad you aren't considering getting pregnant in spite of your husband's concerns. I've seen very sad outcomes from a few acquaintances who have done that over the decades.

The craving for babies is built in to women, some of us more than others. I had it, and stopped with one daughter out of necessity, and was happy. Like any other hunger, just because we have it doesn't mean it should necessarily be satisfied. Some things we desire are unavailable, or wrong for us, or wrong for the circumstances.

Consider how you make peace with the other things in your life you can't have, and use the same principles in your present situation. The best one I've found is completely investing myself in the blessings already available to me, and not dwell on that which I can't have. You really deserve happiness, and your children deserve the lessons in happiness they will get from you. It is possible to choose happiness.

I wish you the best, H..

I am a mom to one and I have never ever had that feeling that I really, really wanted another. People are different and it seems as if hubby is satisfied with his two boys. In the case of bringing another human into the world, the one that doesn't want the lifetime committment wins. I hope you can feel complete with your family of four. Please don't resent him, he is using his head.

You need to look at this from his perspective:
Kids are expensive. The older they get the more expensive they get. You already have 2 college tuition bills to pay. You'll have 2 car insurance bills - and teenaged boys are expensive!! If they do extracurricular activities - football, soccer, gymnastics, whatever - that's expensive. What you do for one you have to do for all... Trust me - I have two teens. They are expensive! Oh and did I mention that the boys become bottomless pits when they are teens - they will eat you out of house and home in a NY minute!
Your husband has a point. He is the sole provider. One more mouth to feed probably makes him very very nervous...
I think at this point, you don't have much choice -- you need to respect his opinion. A baby isn't just a baby - it's a lifetime of care, feeding, and cost.
LBC

We have just been through the same situation - surprize baby, miscarriage (my fourth), terrible feelings of loss, I want another (and have always wanted three kids), he says "when we win the lottery." Right after the miscarriage we decided together to wait one year and then revisit the whole situation - see if we are financially ready and able, and emotionally ready and able (as a whole family) for one more baby to raise. We will be at the one year mark in June, and already in the past few months my husband has made it clear that he is totally satisfied with our two kids and does NOT want any more. I still mourn my lost baby, and when I see my friends having babies it just makes me crave another one even more. BUT, I choose to respect my husband BECAUSE he is the sole breadwinner and I understand what kind of pressure comes with this as I was the sole breadwinner for while - this is more stressful than us stay at home mom's realize! I also agree that when thinking of adding to your family you can't just consider the cost of a "baby," (in our house this is minimal because I breastfeed, we use cloth diapers, we don't buy baby food, and we already have all the baby essentials from a crib to clothes for either gender). We had to sit down and think about what we want for the two kids we already have, trips out of state to visit grandma (extra plane tickets get mighty costly), clothes get more expensive as they get bigger, school and extracurricular activities get more and more expensive, do you want to be able to help your kids with college costs? will you be helping them get their first car? will you be giving them allowance in their elementary years? These are the things that are rolling around in your husband's head, and if he doesn't really like his job then he probably sees another baby as chaining him to the daily task of doing something he dislikes for another 20 years! For me, having another child guarantees me the daily task of doing something I LOVE for another 20 years, so I'm looking at it from a whole different angle than my husband. Therefore, for now it's a NO in our house. I would never want to put my husband under that strain just for my own happiness (because I wouldn't really be happy about that). If he continues to say no more kids, I will continue to respect his position, and I don't NAG him about mine... he KNOWS how I feel and what I want. In the future we may foster children, for now, I babysit a friends two boys. When my kids are both in school maybe I'll work part time in an infant room somewhere... who knows, only time will tell. For today I will play with and enjoy every minute given to me with my two precious children!

rather than trying to jam your psyche and emotions into somewhere they don't want to be, look at it as a waiting period. you have only just barely lost your twins (and i am SO sorry) and you are still grieving. making important long-term decisions from a place of grief is never a good idea.
wait at least a year. then revisit it.
if your husband is adamantly against it, well, that's it. you will need at that point to work out how to handle it without resenting him.
but don't go there yet. you both need time to heal, and to focus on your beautiful boys. if they are *all* you end up with, you need to come to terms with how to appreciate them fully without feeling a lack.
khairete
S.

I remember sitting down with my husband a couple of years ago and telling him that I didn't feel like our family was complete. He had been saying for a year or two that he did NOT want to have any more children. He was adament. He loves kids...but financially it would be strain. So, I told him that I wanted to talk about it again in a year, exactly a year. We did, and his feelings were still the same! DAMN! lol
We talked again and I let him know that I really craved another one, I wasn't done being a mama, I still felt our family wasn't complete, and we waited and talked again in a year. After 3 years of talking once a year (so I wasn't nagging him) he came to ME and said he wanted to have another! YIPEE! I got pregnant that night. :)
My boys are 8 and 5....your boys are still really young! Give hubby some time. I am not saying that it's going to happen like it did in my case, but it may. Don't harass, don't nag. Sit down with him and explain yourself and then pick a date to come back to that conversation.
L.

Give yourself and your body a lot more time to grieve and recover before you think or speak about this topic. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a 4, 5, 6, etc year gap between kids. Perhaps after some time both of you will have changed your mind! = )

Maybe at 40 he will be begging for a sweet little baby and you will have moved onto a new phase in your life with new interests, work, friends, etc. So take charge of that right now. Start a new hobby. Take some classes. Add some you time into your budget. Sometimes the craving for a baby is really just a gap that needs filling in our souls...And we assume that a baby is what would fill it but it really could be filled by lots of other things.

if he was definite in his "No", it's only because that's where he's at right now. to stay sane, look at it as a "not now". maybe in a year or two things will look different. in the meantime your baby fever will probably fade as you get used to "this is how it is going to be for now". before you know it your grieving process will complete, and you'll realize how blessed you already are. and you already know that a baby should be a unanimous decision between the both of you. there's really no room for compromise. either you have a baby, or you don't. and without his support, you don't. my condolences on your loss. i really feel though that if you hadn't lost your twins, your emotions probably wouldn't be going haywire as they are now. you got your hopes up and those hopes were ripped away from you. hang in there.

Finding out that you are pregnant with twins and then losing them like that must have been very difficult for you emotionally, no doubt. And now, two months later, you may still have some of those pregnancy hormones raging through your body to some degree, making you feel that maternal urge, maybe a little bit extra sensitive and out of sorts. For that reason, I think that you need to give yourself some more time before you start thinking about getting pregnant again. If you tell yourself that you are going to give yourself a 6-month hiatus where you are going to just focus on your 3-year old and 18-month old, and not focus on the fact that you want to be a mother again, you may find yourself more peaceful with the subject and can approach the subject about whether or not you want/should expand your family with a clearer head.

Hope this helps.

I think your desire is primarily stemming from your loss. Have you talked to anyone or gone to any group meetings for people who have suffered miscarriages? All I can tell you is to concentrate on your two little ones! My two boys are close in age to yours, and quite honestly I cannot imagine adding another one into the mix. We're so busy now it's insane!

If you really want another and finances seem to be the only issue with your husband -go back to work. If that's not an option for you, then you're just going to have to accept things as they are. Thank goodness you aren't into tricking him! That never works out well!

If one of you doesnt want another then that is what the decision should be. Neither of you should have more say in this sort of life altering decision so until there is an agreement, the answer is no. So you really really want to have a baby around, then try daycare in your home for a new born whos mother has to go back to work. If you are good with kids, loving, and have enough patience to take care of other peoples children you might find this satisfies the desire to have and hold another baby. I did in-home infant care for many years and it was always fun, easy, and satisfying to me and I was more content with just 2 children of my own. I just feel it was the best time for us as a family for me to stay home and raise my own kids, plus make some money while enjoying a lot of babies. You wont be responsible for their financial futures and you dont have to have them for vacations, holidays, or days when they are sick.(unless you choose) Your kids will have a friend to play with, and you will be helping another family. If you take a few classes in CPR, and maybe go thru the licensing for the state you will find it can be very rewarding. I will warn you, you risk the very big chance of falling in love with some of these kids, and staying in contact with them for years to come! I see no down side to watching them grow up and go on to be wonderful adults and being able to say, "it must have been the babysitter who made them turn out so good!" Think about it. (o:

If dad isnt into it you will have a lot of problems. He wont want to help when you become overwhelmed taking care of three kiddos. Think about when you have the flu and he has to bear the burden. He is telling you right now that two is enough work and enough financial burdern for you both right now.
You can give less children MORE. My mom once told me she had said to her dad "I wish I was an only child so I could have those new shoes" (she came from a family of 6), my grandpa told her "Why would you want new shoes when there are some out there that have NO feet?" She said that stopped her for asking for more, but she did not like being dirt poor growing up or being raised by her older sisters while both parents had to work their asses off to make ends meet.

maybe he is just using money as an excuse, maybe he is still grieving over your loss, give it a little more time

I would wait another year... see where things are then. If you still want another child and your husband doesn't - then you may need to have a serious talk with him. If you wait for financial things to get better - then you will NEVER have a child again. Personally, at that point - I'd rather get pregnant and deal with this behavior afterward then wait and pray for him t change his mind.

Personally I always wanted another baby when the baby was about 18 months old. This happened even with the last child (We have four). As much as I still felt I wanted another I knew that four was complete and I had my fourth at 39. So I am not sure if your wanting another is because your youngest is 18 months old or you miscarried (so sorry ;(. ) or you really have the inner sense that your family is not complete.
I worked with one lady who wanted a third child and her husband did not. She told him since he didn't want a child he was in charge of birth control. Sometimes he would use birth control, other times not. She got her third child. Not sure I could do that, but there is an intriguing part to this. All the best!

could he just as heart broken as you on the loss of the twins and usuing $ for a reason to hold off on more kids? My SIL says if you loose a baby and immedialy get pregnant to "fill the void" the baby will have health problems, I know its just a superstition, but its what she thinks, could your hubs think the same? i say be pacient the right time will come

If your age allows then WAIT a few yrs. See what happens. Things could get better, they could get worse. Lots of things happen to people....illness, bankruptcy, taking care of ageing parents, children diagnosed with things, divorce, death.......I mean there is no way to predict the future so keep the ones you already have close and don't worry about something that might never be. Maybe in a few years your mate will actually think he may want another as well. You never know.

Hi there. Well, if the third pregnancy was really a "surprise", for the both of you, your husband had no choice but to get used to the idea of a another, right? I'm sure losing the twins was devastating to, not only you, but him as well. I'm sure you already know that, of course, but maybe it's just to emotionally difficult for him, at this point, as well as financial...If your husband makes allot of money and has a stable career that would enable you to stay home for a long time, and still provide nicely for three, then great... If your husband is working his butt off, however, like mine, and you are still watching finances, I would reconsider. My husband definitely did not want more than the two we have..I kind of did, but I knew it wouldn't be feasible or fair to anyone down the road..They only get more expensive as they get older, it is sooo true, sports, money for schools, etc etc...Right now I do not work, but have to go back once my 2yr. old starts preschool.. If nothing is out there that pays decent in my field, I am going to go back to school. I want to be able to give both of them all that they deserve, and education they will need to make it in today's, much tougher out there, world. If I had another baby, no way would we be able to provide properly for all of them on one persons income, since I would have to stay home for another 4 yrs to take care of another infant, nor do we have family here to babysit or help..Plus, with three, even if you do eventually go back to work, try maintaining a "decent paying" job while juggling three kids...Two is hard enough..Most employers, at least the ones who pay well, want you to be there, not constantly running off to tend to kid emergencies...Just how it is, unfortunately.. Well, that's my situation and opinion, so best of luck in whatever path you choose and however many you both decide on...Sorry for your loss, I'm sure that had to be tough..

First and foremost, I am very sorry for your loss. You and your husband will be in our thoughts. That said...another baby requires two yeses or one no. You really need to give this more time. If, in the end, you have a family of four instead of five, then you do have two wonderful little sons to raise, love and nurture into adulthood. Your life may not be the picture you've been imagining, but the picture will still be full. Bringing in a baby that a) you cannot comfortably afford...and b) will create distance between you and your husband ~ will not only bring resentment between you and your husband, but possibly your husband and this new child. Instead of focusing on the resentment you will feel toward him, consider what your motives really are in wanting another baby. If all these factors are involved, then it seems you might be thinking short-sidedly...and one-sidedly. You seem to have a beautiful life that has suffered a terrible tragedy. During this time of greif, try to focus on what you still have and the beautiful potential this family has for the future. Be careful not to turn this into something worse than it is by turning your husband and yourself against each other with arguments about another child.

Get the dianetics book, and it will help you with this.
Please please don't trick him- you will ruin your marriage.
And Dianetics will show you how to handle this.
best, k