J.K. asks from Tulsa, OK on July 30, 2008
Wanting a Third Child
I am ready to start trying for a third child. My husband doesn't want a third child due to money and he says he's too old now. He says when is it "his" turn to start saving for retirement and other joys in life if we are continuing to pay for babies? I told him we didn't have the money for the first two so what's the big deal? He really wants to get fixed and I feel like I want to try and beat the clock before he has the procedure but than that's tricking him. He doesn't have the appt. scheduled but he doesn't want any accidents. I have two boys and just wanted to try for a girl but even if I got another boy - three feels complete to me esp. since both my husband and I came for a family of three it feels normal to have three. How can I change his opinion about this.?
So What Happened?™
Thank you to everyone for all your responses and continued heart-felt stories. Being a woman, wife and Mother sures gives us great joys in our lives but also gives us hard decisions to make.
To answer some of the questions, YES I'm a stay-at-home Mom!! And if I did have another baby I already figured I would have another boy lol. So that would be three wonderful boys! I'm not wanting to have another baby just to try for a girl but that would be welcomed too but I would definetly get fixed after #3!
I'm going to have a heart-felt serious conversation with my husband and couldn't imagine tricking him into it because I agree he would resent me. He's a wonderful father and has been there for every ultrasound, check-ups, events, etc. He helps with the dishes, vacuuming and helps with the boys. We are truly blessed to have these two miracle babies!! We did inferility for 4+ years with one round of IVF and still nothing. Then moved back home and it happened on my own. Between the two boys we didn't use birth control and they are 22 months apart. Felt like I needed to start trying again quickly due to that reason of not ovulating but a couple times a year and yes my age too. Just lost lots of weight and feeling better than ever and in better shape now then when my first son was born - yipee!
I think I'm just going to ask him not to get fixed until we have exhausted all the options and worked on a budget together that we'll both be in agreement. I still have all the baby stuff and even an extra bedroom upstairs which is his "computer room". I'll keep you posted and thanks for all the input!
A.M. answers from Fayetteville on July 31, 2008
Hi J.. I am a mom of two beautiful girls. Both times we conceived, I was ready but my husband was not. My "trick"? Prayer. I prayed to God that either He would change my husband's heart or that He would change mine. Both times He changed my husband's heart and I was pregnant within a month, but I was ready to accept a change of my own heart as well.
Hope this helps!
2 moms found this helpful
J.S. answers from Little Rock on July 31, 2008
I feel like women rule on this subject. I don't know how you change his mind but he needs to understand how important this is to you. Once he had another child he couldn't imagine not having the 3rd. However, you both want to agree before you get pregnant! A child is always a blessing, no matter what. By the way, you need to question his argument that a 3rd child will keep you two from saving for retirement. What does that have to do with anything? Does he have anything that he does for extra curricular activities? Boating, Fishing, Golf, motorcycles....anything? Do you? There are things that can be sacrificed for the sake of saving money for retirement. It's all about priorities! Look at the Duggar's in Arkansas? They have 19 kids (I think) and they are debt free! There really are no excuses at all. If something is important to you, you make it work. How much do you have saved for retirement now? Perhaps not much? Why? Probably not because of your children. If you are anything like us, its because we have not been smart with our money as we should be. Certainly not because of our children's arrivals.
1 mom found this helpful
L.D. answers from Tulsa on July 31, 2008
I am a 60 yr old mother of 4 and grandmother of 1. My first 2 (boys) came when I was 22 and 24 - both boys. I wanted a girl but found for medical reasons I couldn't. But I kept trying. I finally found the answer in New Orleans. By that time I was 35 years old. I had my girl when I was 36 and back then it was a bit unusual. I also had another boy 2 years later. I can tell you I am so glad for my daughter and 3rd son. My son is in school and lives at home. Our life would be a lot emptier without him. My daughter is the only one married and the reason I have a granddaughter- the light of my life. I work from home and take care of her for her parents while they work since she was 6 wks old. It is wonderful. Having two sets of kids 12 years apart was a bit trying when the 2nd set were toddlers and I had high school kids also. We had big time money problems back then, but got thru it. I wouldn't change a thing. If I had decided not to have the last 2 because of money problems, I wouldn't have had the joy that comes from my large family, I would still have had money problems(not now - things always change) and my life would have been diminished. However, you wouldn't want to have a child without your husband's support. That would wreck your marriage and hurt you children. By the way, you are only too old if you think old. I'm 60 but certainly don't feel or act it
1 mom found this helpful
K.B. answers from Tulsa on July 30, 2008
I'm going through a struggle with something similar. I want four children and my husband wants 3. I don't want an odd number because I'm the youngest of 5 and I don't want someone to get left out, because I always did! I think 4 is a great number but he says that's too many...he says he's going to get a vasectomy when i'm in labor with #3.
imo, if he's trying to take it out of your hands by getting a vasectomy, you have the right to do the same. why should HE get to make the final decision? I ask my husband that all the time, I think we should just leave it up to God...don't TRY but don't PREVENT and if its meant to be, He'll make a way...
1 mom found this helpful
C.N. answers from Baton Rouge on July 31, 2008
When one person wants to have children and the other doesn't, the one that doesn't has to have the final say. Even if you keep at him unil he agrees, there is a chance that he will resent you for it, and possibly that he will resent the baby as well. You don't want to have to deal with that for the rest of your life, and it really isn't fair to a baby to bring it into a situation where it isn't wanted 100%. And if your husband is to the point that he's ready to undergo surgery to prevent another pregnancy, then I'd say that he's pretty serious about not wanting any more babies.
Not to mention that, at 35, you're already at risk for birth defects such as Down's Syndrome. Are you really prepared for the possibility of having to care for a disabled child, especially one that your husband didn't want in the first place?
And don't just "forget" to take your birth control pills. It's lying and it's not fair to your husband or any "oopsie"
baby that might result.
G.S. answers from Fayetteville on July 31, 2008
I definitely wouldn't even consider getting pregnant without your husbands complete support. You wouldn't want him to be bitter torwards you or even towards your child.
S.L. answers from Lake Charles on July 31, 2008
I do not think I would want to bring another child into the marriage unless both of you want another child. I had my last child at 36, he is only 23, and I am 60. I love him, but 60 is old to have such a young child. I still do a lot with all my children, but at that age age, your are ready to start slowing down and planning for your future and retirement. The way the economy is now, you really need to think about what is in all your families interest. You have a long road ahead of you with the two young ones you already have. Enjoy them and enjoy all the young things while you can. My Uncle tried for a boy 5 times. He never got that boy. All girls.
A.J. answers from Tuscaloosa on July 31, 2008
You are brave for even thinking about a third child. I understand you both coming from a family of 3, but is it really worth disrupting the harmony of your family life. I guess I'm saying if your husband doesn't want one, why push the issue? You say 3 feels complete but then you say you want a girl. If the next one is a boy, would you still try for a girl or would you be happy with 3 boys? Maybe you should do a little more praying and soul searching instead of trying to change his opinion. This decision doesn't only affect you, even though you'll be the one doing most of the work:-).