August 11, 2008,
J.K. asks from Tulsa, OK on July 30, 2008
Wanting a Third Child
I am ready to start trying for a third child. My husband doesn't want a third child due to money and he says he's too old now. He says when is it "his" turn to start saving for retirement and other joys in life if we are continuing to pay for babies? I told him we didn't have the money for the first two so what's the big deal? He really wants to get fixed and I feel like I want to try and beat the clock before he has the procedure but than that's tricking him. He doesn't have the appt. scheduled but he doesn't want any accidents. I have two boys and just wanted to try for a girl but even if I got another boy - three feels complete to me esp. since both my husband and I came for a family of three it feels normal to have three. How can I change his opinion about this.?
So What Happened?™
Thank you to everyone for all your responses and continued heart-felt stories. Being a woman, wife and Mother sures gives us great joys in our lives but also gives us hard decisions to make.
To answer some of the questions, YES I'm a stay-at-home Mom!! And if I did have another baby I already figured I would have another boy lol. So that would be three wonderful boys! I'm not wanting to have another baby just to try for a girl but that would be welcomed too but I would definetly get fixed after #3!
I'm going to have a heart-felt serious conversation with my husband and couldn't imagine tricking him into it because I agree he would resent me. He's a wonderful father and has been there for every ultrasound, check-ups, events, etc. He helps with the dishes, vacuuming and helps with the boys. We are truly blessed to have these two miracle babies!! We did inferility for 4+ years with one round of IVF and still nothing. Then moved back home and it happened on my own. Between the two boys we didn't use birth control and they are 22 months apart. Felt like I needed to start trying again quickly due to that reason of not ovulating but a couple times a year and yes my age too. Just lost lots of weight and feeling better than ever and in better shape now then when my first son was born - yipee!
I think I'm just going to ask him not to get fixed until we have exhausted all the options and worked on a budget together that we'll both be in agreement. I still have all the baby stuff and even an extra bedroom upstairs which is his "computer room". I'll keep you posted and thanks for all the input!
A.M. answers from Fayetteville on July 31, 2008
Hi J.. I am a mom of two beautiful girls. Both times we conceived, I was ready but my husband was not. My "trick"? Prayer. I prayed to God that either He would change my husband's heart or that He would change mine. Both times He changed my husband's heart and I was pregnant within a month, but I was ready to accept a change of my own heart as well.
Hope this helps!
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J.S. answers from Little Rock on July 31, 2008
I feel like women rule on this subject. I don't know how you change his mind but he needs to understand how important this is to you. Once he had another child he couldn't imagine not having the 3rd. However, you both want to agree before you get pregnant! A child is always a blessing, no matter what. By the way, you need to question his argument that a 3rd child will keep you two from saving for retirement. What does that have to do with anything? Does he have anything that he does for extra curricular activities? Boating, Fishing, Golf, motorcycles....anything? Do you? There are things that can be sacrificed for the sake of saving money for retirement. It's all about priorities! Look at the Duggar's in Arkansas? They have 19 kids (I think) and they are debt free! There really are no excuses at all. If something is important to you, you make it work. How much do you have saved for retirement now? Perhaps not much? Why? Probably not because of your children. If you are anything like us, its because we have not been smart with our money as we should be. Certainly not because of our children's arrivals.
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K.R. answers from Tulsa on July 31, 2008
J., There are a lot of negative opinions about having another child. I have 3, my stepson who is 9, daughter is 3 and son is 1, and just found out I am about to have another. I worked on my husband for over a year to try to convince him I want another one. Although my situation is not the same with a girl and a boy, we are in the same boat as far as money. I don't think God ever said to Adam and Eve, go multiply, but only if you can afford it. God provides! Look at your first two, and see the miracles that happened there. You have made it, they eat, they are healthy. So, don't let money stand in your way. I promise you, in 20 years, you will always regret it if you blame it on money. Try to look at all the positives of having kids, and talk to your husband about that. I had a hard time with mine, too, but eventually, he came around. Don't give up! Be strong, and stick to your convictions. It has to be both of your decisions, true, but don't just give up if he says no. If you really, really want another one, you have to find a way to let him see the joys of having three.
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K.B. answers from Tulsa on July 30, 2008
I'm going through a struggle with something similar. I want four children and my husband wants 3. I don't want an odd number because I'm the youngest of 5 and I don't want someone to get left out, because I always did! I think 4 is a great number but he says that's too many...he says he's going to get a vasectomy when i'm in labor with #3.
imo, if he's trying to take it out of your hands by getting a vasectomy, you have the right to do the same. why should HE get to make the final decision? I ask my husband that all the time, I think we should just leave it up to God...don't TRY but don't PREVENT and if its meant to be, He'll make a way...
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L.D. answers from Tulsa on July 31, 2008
I am a 60 yr old mother of 4 and grandmother of 1. My first 2 (boys) came when I was 22 and 24 - both boys. I wanted a girl but found for medical reasons I couldn't. But I kept trying. I finally found the answer in New Orleans. By that time I was 35 years old. I had my girl when I was 36 and back then it was a bit unusual. I also had another boy 2 years later. I can tell you I am so glad for my daughter and 3rd son. My son is in school and lives at home. Our life would be a lot emptier without him. My daughter is the only one married and the reason I have a granddaughter- the light of my life. I work from home and take care of her for her parents while they work since she was 6 wks old. It is wonderful. Having two sets of kids 12 years apart was a bit trying when the 2nd set were toddlers and I had high school kids also. We had big time money problems back then, but got thru it. I wouldn't change a thing. If I had decided not to have the last 2 because of money problems, I wouldn't have had the joy that comes from my large family, I would still have had money problems(not now - things always change) and my life would have been diminished. However, you wouldn't want to have a child without your husband's support. That would wreck your marriage and hurt you children. By the way, you are only too old if you think old. I'm 60 but certainly don't feel or act it
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K.M. answers from Tulsa on July 31, 2008
I have been exactly where you are, with a husband who did NOT want more children and with my biological clock going "tick, tick, tick". What I did will bother me the rest of my life because it was pure deceit. My DH is a typical man and for the life of him doesn't know when my menstrual cycles are; he has no clue when I'm fertile either. So, I took advantage of that ignorance and got pregnant in a fit of planned passion. I will never forget the moment when my pregnancy was made real to him. I had known for over a week that I was expecting but understanding he didn't want a third child I didn't know how to bring it up. He was wanting to be intimate so asked if I should use the diaphragm and I said, "Ummm, no." He slit his eyes and asked why not? "Because I haven't had a period in like six weeks." He was even more suspicious but said with hope, "Is it menopause?" I said it wasn't and he just stared at me and didn't say another thing.
Six months later at a routine sonogram the doctor found that this little boy I was carrying was missing part of his brain and had a very rare condition called Dandy Walker Malformation. In my grieving I took that as a sign from God that I was being punished for betraying my DHs trust. The baby was born healthy in 2006 but we had to wait another six months to have a definitive answer as to the state of his brain. God performed a miracle in the meantime because his MRI was totally normal!
The moral of the story is...if your husband says no, then listen to him. I knew in my heart of hearts that if I didn't get MYSELF fixed after the baby's birth, I'd do it all over again, no matter what hell I had been through. I'm already 40 and DH is 44 so I would be risking having a baby with a chromosomal problem which isn't easily healed and might have ruined the relationship I've nurtured with DH for over 16 years. Children are a blessing but your marriage comes first.
I hope this makes some sense!
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T.O. answers from Lake Charles on July 31, 2008
All I can tell you is good luck! My husband feels the same way. I have a 7 year old son and an almost 5 year old daughter. Becasue I am from a family of 4 girls, I want desperately to give my baby girl a sister. I am so close to my sisters, and there is just a special bond between sisters that brothers and sisters don't seem to have. If I had another boy, it would be no big deal; at least I tried to give her a sister. I would of course love my baby boy as much as I would another girl. In anycase, I have given up. I know that it would make my husband miserable to have another child. If it happened, he would love that child, but he is wanting the surgery. It's going to be his 35th birthday present. It's just a matter of keeping the peace at our house and enjoying the two wonderful children that we have, and thanking Godevery day for the two healthy, beautiful, smarth children that we have been blessed with. I wish you luck, but you may have to do as I did and find peace with having only two.
A.J. answers from Tuscaloosa on July 31, 2008
You are brave for even thinking about a third child. I understand you both coming from a family of 3, but is it really worth disrupting the harmony of your family life. I guess I'm saying if your husband doesn't want one, why push the issue? You say 3 feels complete but then you say you want a girl. If the next one is a boy, would you still try for a girl or would you be happy with 3 boys? Maybe you should do a little more praying and soul searching instead of trying to change his opinion. This decision doesn't only affect you, even though you'll be the one doing most of the work:-).