Undecided About Having Another Child... - Campbell,CA

It's a tough call... one only you can make, really. That being said, I was perfectly content with one child. My husband absolutely insisted that we have a second child "because kids need brothers and sisters." (I'm a perfectly happy only child myself, and disagree with that!) Now that our younger child is here, of course I wouldn't send her back for the world. She's the light of my life. But - had she never been born in the first place, I'm not going to lie, life would have been WAY easier for us. And cheaper. The thing is, having another child is NOT twice as hard as having one. It's about fifteen times as hard. I have no idea why that is. But that being said, as you already know, being a parent is rewarding as well. So, back to my beginning statement - you're the only one who knows if it's worth it to have another one. Go with your heart, and good luck!

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Hi Ann Marie:

There are many parts of your story I can relate to. My husband works at NUMMI (maybe yours too?), so in March, our life changes BIG TIME! What a thing to have hanging over your head going into the holidays and all that. Gosh, I was 40 years old when my son came along. He's a joy...I can't belive how much being a mom has just given me joy.

I always find it interesting how childless co-workers complain about parents HAVING to leave on time and such...especially when the parent in question was on the job before the child came along...and perhaps then did work until all hours of the night, etc...what usually happens is that the parent now finds priorities have changed, even in how they arrange their work day. So while they may leave on time now...it's likely they work through lunch and are more effiecient because they HAVE to be. (and the complaining co-worker is too busy talking to notice the other person working harder than ever!)

Relating to more than one child...it's the same thing. Only one child is harder in some ways...you are the mom and the playmate and everything to that child. And you can jump when they say "I want" or "I need" or they cry...You can stay up late with them because you know you can sleep in with them in the morning, say, when they're teething or sick...

Now comes along two...now you have to make choices...which one do you pick up when both are crying...if you stay up late with the sick one, you still have to get up early with your ealry riser...it just complicates things...AND, once the younger child is about 18 months (give or take a few months) they start to play together. My son reads to his sister...how nice is that? They play together...love running through the sprinklers together (pools are so overrated - LOL) Doesn't mean they don't have their moments, of course they do.

It's all about training me. I remember with my son it took me all day to take care of him. I was exhausted. It was all about me learning to take care of someone so helpless...and with my daughter, well, I just fit her in somehow...and I wondered, why did it take so LONG for my son? Isn't that funny?

I have no regrets about my daughter. Her first year was so hard for me...my mother had died, my husband wasn't as supportive as I needed him to be...I was in a total funk and I'm sure, looking back, I was depressed and I KNOW I was angry (doesn't that sound fun?) and in spite of everything...I wouldn't trade a thing. Having two kids trains me to have vastly more patience...my negotiating skills and people skills have improved. Knowing what I know now I do NOT understand why employers don't insist that they ONLY hire mothers. I do not say that in jest. Mothers rule the world.

I have a friend with SEVEN girls...and it's a bell shaped curve...one kid hard, two kids harder...three kids harder...four kids, humm the oldest now helps more...my friend is out and about all the time without her kids and has more time to do lunch, etc than anyone else I know. I saw her recently at the city pool with only her youngest and she commented on how much harder it was to be out with only one. (I silently laughed and said "welcome to my world").

Being a mom is hard, not everyone is cut out for the job. Not everyone wants or should have multiple children...and there's NEVER a perfect time for a baby...life is always going to be busy and have it's issues...there's always going to be stress...so get quiet and imagine your life with only one child...then imagine it with multiple children...which picture feels better? Which one brings you more happiness? How many people do you want at your Thanksgiving table? How many children do you want to stand in line with for pony rides, pumpkins and santa photos? How much love do you have to give...knowing you get even more in return (usually).

It's your life...I would be very cautious about the whole autoimune thing (I'm sure my wheat allergy was caused by similar events...it's a pain!) But there are other ways to add children...foster to adopt is a great program. Wanting something doesn't mean you have to get it in the same way most people do...

Good luck to you. Struggle is hard, but working through the issue completely should lead to a decision without regret...

P.

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I am one of the five children myself and one of my sisters and I have one child by choice and have no regrets. Yes, both of us thought about our 'selfishness' in not giving our kids siblings and then we realized that it is far more important to raise an emotionally healthy child with a high self esteem and self awareness. It does not matter how much external needs and wants can we meet. We all make do somehow. It is the inner peace and happiness that counts. When a child is happy within, he/she will carve a space in society and make just as deep friendships as another child who may or not have with his/her siblings.

For me, my own happiness and peace is just as important as my child's. When I am at peace with myself, I can focus on being a parent that my child deserves me to be. I never cared to have a biological child but had one anyway. If I ever feel the urge again to parent another child, I can always adopt or sponsor some when I have more time and money.

So, the most important question to ask yourself is do I want to parent another child at this time? Do I want it because that is the standard? Do I want it because that is what most people do or expect me to do? Do I want it because my child feels lonely and in that case can I think of other ways to address her loneliness? Do I want to do this for myself because I see myself in that role? Think about the same way you would make another decisions for yourself? Be honest with yourself and you will find answer within you. I have also read that where two people are involved in a decision, it takes two for a 'yes' and one for a 'no to a decision. Write down the pros and cons of having another child at this time and see where it goes. It is a huge responsibility and some of us are more capable and in peace with themselves than others to raise more children.
Best,
-R.

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Hi Ann Marie,
I agree with Catherine and Debbie. I'm in a very similar situation, and I feel our family is complete with one child. I'm not particularly close to my brother, and my husband isn't really close to his sister either. There is no sibling rivalry if you only have one child. It is about the quality of time you spend as a mother, and if you feel rushed or aggravated because of another child, then you can't go back. Be the best mom you can be!
I know you'll make the right decision for you.
Good luck!

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I don't think giving your daughter a sibling should be a concern. I'm an only child as is my daughter ... and not all siblings get along or even like each other.

You have to decide - plain and simple - if you want another child. My husband and I briefly went through the same thing ... both working, one very long hours, decided we wanted to try again ... then had a hard week and decided we were crazy. LOL I just knew I wouldn't be the mom I wanted to be if we added another child to the mix, and my husband felt the same about being a dad. We decided putting our best effort into raising the best adult we could was our job, our life, our love.

It's not an easy decision for most ... adding another child to the family ... but from what you typed above, it doesn't sound like it's something you really want to do.

Don't let anyone else influence your decision. Whatever you decide, it's YOUR family that will be living with the results, and only you and your husband know what's best. Don't believe all the negative stuff you hear about only children - it's all hype!

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

i can tell you that a second child definitely increases the stress level and it is a big step from 1 to 2. that being said, you know we never regret the decision to have a kid -- they are so much joy! if you can be happy with one, maybe you should go with it. it is special to be able to invest so much goodness into one person. if you do want another, it sounds like adoption is the answer for you. i am part of a family with lots of adoption and i feel it is such a blessing. hope you consider it.

You already know the challenges. Personally, I think the greatest gift a parent can give a child is a sibling. My mom was an only child and with very loving parents, lots of friends, yet she longed for a sibling. Our whole family is small with no first cousins. Now, I chose differently. I have 5 girls. They are amazing to watch together. Is it hard? Yes. Do they fight sometimes? Yes. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings here or step on toes, so just remember this is MY opinion. My brother and step-brother's all had 1 child each. They have bigger houses, bigger cars, both husband and wife work full time, they go on a big vacation once a year. While I love my nephew and nieces, they are self-centered and materialistic. Not brats, just the way they are. I believe most of that comes from never having to share (except at school) and always getting what you want (by default, if you ask them what color balloon they want, for instance, they get it, no competition). I am not suggesting this is every only-child, remember this is opinions.

We choose for me to stay home, that means not a 'perfect' house, or cars or big vacations. But they all have clothes, food and more love than you can think. They are wonderful even in the midst of chaos. I love them.

Even my little ones have to share. They don't always like it, but it builds character.

Whether you choose another baby or not. If you do you will not remember life without them, they will be a wonderful addition to your family. Of course it takes work and time and money, and it isn't convenient. Children are messy, demanding and they just don't come easy. But they are more worth it than anything you can buy on this planet. They are precious and valuable, even the 'surprise' ones (got some myself).

Take care, bless you and you need to work it out so both you and hubby are in the right mind-set. It is most important that you can agree, keep your marriage healthy.(I have a friend who resents her husband because he refuses another child, he just buys her stuff to try and appease her).

D.

EVERYTHING has pros and cons. There are no guarantees, and every situation is different. The two of you need to decide. I wanted a third child, my husband didn't really, but a little accident decided that for us. Three is SO much harder than two, but I wouldn't change anything, and neither would my husband.

First, let me say that there is never a perfect time to have a child. If you wait, you will never have one. When we had our first son, we had wanted to have another one when he was 2. Well, I lost my job a week after I went back to work. I stayed home with him for a year and then went back to work when unemployment ran out. Shortly after that, my husband lost his job. So, we decided to wait a year. It took him a whole year to find a job. We were just getting back on our feet and decided to wait another year. Finally, when our son was 4, we decided that, even if it wasn't the best time, we didn't want to wait. We didn't want the kids to be too far apart in age and we weren't getting any younger. I was actually unemployed when we got pregnant. Luckily, I started a new job a week later and worked there until the Dr. put me on leave due to my blood pressure and my commute. As it turned out, the job was supposed to be temp-to-perm, but they kept me temp until I went on leave and then let me go. So, I was able to be on maternity leave, PFL and then unemployment. Of course, my husband was still working. Also, the more you stress about it, the harder it will be to conceive. I have had many friends who got pregnant after they stopped trying. As for the health problems you are worried about, have you talked to your OB/GYN about it? There may be something they can do to help. Also, you may consider surrogacy or adoption. Whatever you do, don't wait too long. My sister had a daughter when she was 24 and then waited 7 years to try again. She ended up having twin boys! Good luck!

I think you already made a decision not to have another child, after reading what you have wrote. You would not be a bad person if you didn't have another child. There seems to be lots of worries or reasons for not having another child as I read what you wrote, try rereading it and you can probably decide. I only had one child, because of being older and having 2 miscarriges after having only one child and my child being an only child turned out great, well rounded and happy young man. good luck to you.

HI Ann Marie,

This sounds like something that you are going to have to make a decision about and not look back. We can never know what the "right' answer in these situations. You have to weigh the pros and cons of having another child and what is the best thing for your family as a whole, and your case, your health.

I have 2 beautiful children who are the light of my life. I always knew I wanted to have more than one child if I was able, and I feel extremely blessed to have a boy and a girl, both of whom are healthy, happy, brilliant people.

I will tell you that having two children is exponentially harder than having one. It isn't just double the work. Granted, we had our two very close together and with your daughter already being 4, the difficulties that I remember may not be as much for you. There could be challenges with how well your daughter might accept a sibling because she is older, and they may not have the relationship you are hoping for. I would talk to Moms who have kids spaced this far apart.

Honestly, from your post, it doesn't sound like having another child would be easy for your family and could cause some real difficulties that could be long term. I'd really look inside to search for the real reason you want another baby. I know that the fact that I am turning 40 soon, and I won't have the option to have another baby makes me really question if I want to have another. It's a tough question and I think there's a lot of pressure out there to have more than one child, but I don't always think that's good for all families.

Good luck!

I realize you have many wonderful answers here, but though I would let you know I am going through the same thing right now. My son is four as well. I came from a family of six children and never thought I'de have just one child. I have had repeated miscarriages and while pregnat w/ my son, almost lost him as well. (I have no problems getting pregnant, hhowever I can't carry to term. My son was born at 26 weeks and miraculously has no residual health concerns! I feel so blessed for this reason, yet still, I contemplate the thought of another constantly. Money is always a factor. The best interests of your child and family as a whole is a factor. I question how fair it would be for me to chance fate again with the potential outcome being unfavorable.
I wish I had sound advice to offer, but all I can do is offer comfort in knowing your not alone. God bless you, your family and your health. I pray the decision is made, accepted and lived out with love.

Hi Ann Marie,
Sounds like you really have a lot on your mind! My husband and I recently went through a similar process of deciding to get pregnant with our second child. I'm due to deliver at the end of November. My biggest piece of advice is to make sure your husband is with you on this decision 100%. After that, you work as a team to confront the other issues. Without his support, you might really have a hard road ahead.
Keep talking! Have you considered some counseling? Not because you can't necessarily work it out yourselves, but it's really helpful to have someone neutral listen to all concerns and reflect them back to you.

Sounds to me like all signs point to no - and you just need to be confident in your decision. I think there is a lot of pressure out there to have at least two children. As soon as you have your 1st baby - people start asking when are you going to have another one. Coming from a family with three kids where money was tight after the loss of one parent - we all had an extrenely stressful childhood in a high tension house. I knew about bills and the cost of the AC when I was like 8 years old. Think about providing the best enviornment for the child you already have. Happy parents lead to happy kids - stressed out and resentfull parents lead to bad childhood for kids.

My husband and I went back and forth but ultimately we decided to just stick with one and possibly foster or adopt down the road.

No matter what you will make the right decision - I would definately take a long look on how your life will change and how it will affect you, your husband and daughter.

Ann,

If you beleive in the Creator,You can put this in his lap, and you can trust him. For those that love him, he promises BLESSINGS. He is the only one who can guide you, because he knows what the future holds for you. All the days of your life have been ordained in his book.

Dear Anne Marie,

It sounds like you have many good reasons to wait before having a second child, especially if you AND your husband (very important !) are happy with one, and the addition of another person who will make many demands would be very stressful at this point. You don't have to make a decision now to NEVER have more children, just a decision to WAIT until a more appropriate time. With your fertility issues, your age (although many women like myself have had children at the age of 40 or above without problems), and your legitimate concerns for your own health, you may eventually want to adopt if you still want more children when your present financial uncertainties are resolved. In the meantime, your precious daughter will thrive if you pour all your mothering instincts into her still very needy and receptive little psyche. It sounds like your husband could use some extra TLC at this point, too, which may be the source of some of his resistance. Good luck...it sounds like you have all you need within your own mind to resolve your quandary ! ...D.

if only we had a magical ball to foresee out futures. I've wished for that many times. but the fact of the matter is that you don't know what the future holds so life is a gamble. It sounds like you have a wonderful life now. if you were to have another child it could cause you to become sick. I'm sure your daughter is happy and she's not going to know any different whether she has any siblings or not. what ever you and your husband decide I'm sure it will be the right choice for your family. good luck

What about adoption? You can pick age and sex. No health risk for you. You would get help with money and Med. for the child. What a gift it would be to help a child.

It sounds like you have so many blessings already -- the ones that count: your health, your daughter's health, a good husband. And it sounds like you are going into a stressful year job-wise. I am a big believer in siblings but maybe you should count all of your current blessings and not add to your lives the stress of fertility treatments, the cost of fertility treatments, and the impact of a new baby. You have so much already. So many women would change places with you in a heartbeat. Lucky you!

hello ann marie :) i wanted to write to you because our "stories" are similar in many spots: i am a 41 yr old married mama of a 3/5yr old girl and my husband and i on the one hand would love for her to have a sibling and we'd love to expand our hearts for another child but...like you said: the money, the uncertainty,etc. plus there is the shape i'm in (not great, AND i'm over 40!)...so, we're keeping an open mind, i'm working to be healthier, as for money we believe that where there is a will there is a way and necessity creates motivation, so if you just go ahead and have that baby then things will work out! i can't wait but another year or two before i'll really be feeling like my eggs are "going bad"...i had a lot of siblings and so did my husband, so we really really wish it was "easier" to have more kids...sigh...do you and your husband have siblings?
and, hopefully my story helps you realize that you have lots more time to wait and see what will work best for you...just keep an open mind, right?
i'm rambling, but this subject has been on my plate for awhile (my husband would really like another child) and i think about it every day...let me know if i can help; i'd love to dialogue w/you more about this!
best wishes,
S.

Good luck with a hard decision.

To make things easier for your decision, have you considered asking about a genetic test to rule in or out the auto-immune disease thing?

Secondly have you considered fostering?

I agree with what has been said - there is no guarantee that sibs get along. But I have found life is more fun with them around! I started my family at 37, so for me age is not such an issue.

Regards,

Dear Ann Marie,
Choosing whether or not to have another child is always a big decision whether you have one child or 3. I was told I could never have any children, so when I got my daughter, I was perfectly content and resigned to having only one baby. Nine years later I got quite a surprise when I got pregnant and my son is the joy of my life, but it truly was a surprise. He was 16 months when I had to have a hysterectomy and there are times I've thought I'd love to have more kids, but I've never agonized over it. My sister said during her one and only pregnancy that she already knew one time was enough. My cousin was the same way. They are wonderful moms, they adore their children, but they knew that for them, once was enough.
You can always let nature take it's course and see what happens. Or, you can know that you have a beautiful family just the way it is and realize you have nothing to regret. The moms I know that chose to have only one child have never regretted it and neither have their grown children. Whatever you decide, it doesn't have to be decided today and just try not to make yourself crazy about it. You sound like a wonderful mother!

Hi Ann Marie,

I don't know if you are religious or not, but prayer works. My suggestion would be to search your heart high and low and see what your gut tells you. Your husband should also do this so that you both can be 100% positive that you want another child. As far as your health goes, get a genetic test to see if you or your child would get the autoimmune disorder. Ask questions until you feel satisfied with the answer. If you decide you definitely want another child but don't want to carry him/her, adoption is an excellent option. I would highly recommend it. Good luck with your decision. Also, I don't believe that age should play such a huge factor--you still have time to decide.

Good luck!

M.