Over 40 and Debating a 2Nd Child

Hi K.,
I had two girls--at 41 and 43. They're now 6 and almost 4. I am more exhausted than I ever could even have imagined possible, but I wouldn't change it for a second. Two is a LOT more work than one, but nobody ever mentions that the payoff is more than double, too.
J.

Oh, dear, K.- you hit a '''' hot button'' for me. And bless you for being so careful and planning so mindfully.

You COULD have a baby that she would be close to - and enjoy- and lean on- or you could have a baby whose personality just didn't '''jell'' with her - and then you're all in the ''soup'' -- there's no guarantee.

If she is an only child- she may -- or you may--- develope friendships that become loving and supportive for all of her life.

Just my opinion--

Blessings, - you make a great decisions- cause that's who you are--
J.

I am not yet 40, but I do have 2 boys close in age (3 and 5). I have found it is easier now because they play with each other and keep each other entertained. They are the best of friends! and I am thrilled to know that they will always have each other to lean on.

Hello ~

After we birthed our daughter we couldn't decide on another. We didn't want an only, but the infant experience is tough. I think we handled it creatively:

We waited 'til she was two, then adopted a 1 yo. He was aready sleeping through the night, off the bottle...fabulous! It worked out so well we adopted a teenager two years later. Both are beautiful, brilliant and sweet. There are so many children in need, I urge you to consider adoption to grow your family. It'a a wonderful experience.

What an unselfish inquiry! I hear that you are sincerely concerned about the emotional welfare of your child as an 'only,' and I wish to assure you that my one daughter was and is a delight, as is her only son. Single kids can be happy, and don't have to be spoiled or lonely. You'll have hundreds of opportunities to expand your daughter's world of friends as she grows up.

For a multitude of reasons, including the carrying capacity of the environment, I have never regretted stopping with one child. And as deeply as I love being a mother and a granny, I'm also glad my daughter is likely to stick with one child. It is a gift to all humans and other creatures to stop bringing so many additional people into the world. Your daughter's future physical welfare is important, too, so sustainability of the earth we live on is worth contemplating. This has been a deep concern of mine since the 1960's, and all the changes I've seen since then have not been comforting. And alarming changes are happening faster with each decade.

It's also helpful to notice that birth siblings are not guaranteed closeness, happiness, or mutual support, and in my observation of all sorts of families, are about as likely to grow apart as be well bonded. I have three sisters who are proof that families can have very poorly matched personalities, needs, strengths and weaknesses. On the other hand, onlies can 'choose' brothers and sisters, as my daughter did, and as I have done, since contact with my siblings is less than rewarding.

Don't feel selfish for taking your needs and your husband's into account. You are likely to age considerably more over the next 10 years than you did over the past 2 decades. Be good to yourselves. Your beautiful and funny daughter will be counting on you.

I'm 40 and have two kids (4 and 19 months) and I would love to have a third. If you and your husband want a second I say go for it. You certainly wont regret it. Life is sweet with one and only sweeter with two. It is so much fun seeing our kids together and how they interact and how much they love each other. It just brings so much joy and happiness to my heart watching them and seeing how much they love each other and how excited they are to be together. Just know that adding a second is soooooo much easier. It's nothing like bringing home the first and not knowing what to do or when to do it, etc. Once you have the second, you're basically a pro at all those things.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Dear K.,

I am 42 yrs old and have a 3 yr old boy. I love and adore my son tremendously and have debated off and on whether to provide a sibling for him. On one hand, it would be lovely for him to have someone with whom to share his upbringing, but there are no guarantees on what their relationship would be like. On the other hand, I have only so many energy resources to give to my offspring. Do I want to divide that? I know it is a difficult question, but ultimately, you have to think about yourself and your needs. Your child will be fine as an only child. She won't know any better, it will just be what it is for her. What she will remember is the quality time spent with a parent that had the energy to raise her. There are many great things about being an older parent, but it does have its drawbacks (ie - amount of energy and desire to have some autonomy.) Think about what is best for you and your husband and that in turn will be what is best for your daughter.

Good luck with this difficult decision!

B. W

K.,

My husband (45) and I(41) had only planned on having one child. However, my husband's Vasectomy did not take and we were surprised with a boy 16 months ago. Being totally honest, it's hard work up until age 3. Not that it's a breeze thereafter, but you do get some relief. My daughter (age 4) has become self sufficient in dressing and eating. She actually helps me out with her brother. They both have completly different personalities. My daughter wasn't a cuddler and didn't care to be rocked and my son is just the opposite a cuddler and loves to be rocked. They both are extremly happy kiddos. Something we have done is added balance to our life. On Friday nights, it's date night for just the two of us. We look forward to it and it's on our calendar every week. After the fact, I personally have enjoyed the foursome dynamics and wouldn't trade our son for anything!

Since you both have opposite feelings about this sensitive subject I would seek a counselor. As we grow older, this issue could bring anger and regret so I would suggest both of you verbally communicating and not hold anything in. I wish you both the best in your decision making...good luck!

Speaking from an only child pov . . . Really consider giving her a sibling, please. Thankfully I have both parents living and had three grandparents into my twenties. But, I was always scared of being left alone (I mean in the permanent sense). To this day, I HATE my parents going on vacation, or doing anything adventurous (riding a Harley) I can't even watch. I have no cousins either . . . and it makes it a hard situation. My parents didn't decide to make me an only, they tried seven times. But after that many miscarriages my mom kinda lost it. So they stopped trying. I never would wish the only child lifestyle on any baby. My dear husband says that I have him and my boyz. And he is so right, but who will say to me, "Do you remember when mom and dad __________? Do you remember that time we went to __________ and Mom got so embarrassed?" So on and so forth. I tell my husband all my stories over and over so that he can remind me someday. But I watch my mom and her brother and sister talk about my g-ma who has since passed. I watch my husband and his brother talk about the times with their folks and each other. I feel something missing.

Sorry this is soooooo long. It's just a subject that is very VERY close to my heart. Please just consider it!

Hi - I am 42 and had my second child at 40. My boys are about 3 1/2 years apart. I did not want to wait that long but my husband was not sure he wanted another child. I always knew I wanted my first to have a sibling. I have a brother and we are very close and I wanted that for my son. When they get older, they will have each other when we (parents) are not around. They wont be alone to have to deal with things like that. I hope they will be the best of friends, there are no guarantees but I figure again, they will not be alone. Just make sure that you are both ready to have another one, or that both of you dont want another one. I am sure that you know that though! Just think, you will be adding one more person to the world that loves you!

Hi, K.. I'm a little older than you, and I can see your dilemma clearly. It can be overwhelming to have a child when most people are starting to slow down their lives. I'm 46 and have a 16-month-old boy. He is my one and only, although my husband has two grown children from his previous marriage.

I love him more than life itself, but I've decided he will be my only child. My husband is 7 years older than I am, so he is definitely done having babies. This one was a surprise to us. Donor egg is probably my only option for pregnancy at this age anyway. You only win the lottery once, and that's sort of what I feel happened when I was able to get pregnant naturally--and have it go very smoothly--at 44.

I entertained the idea of another not long after our son was born, but once the reality of caring for the one I have set in, I got over those longings pretty quickly. LOL.

I do worry about him being alone when we've past away, but I know from the experiences of family and friends that having siblings close to one's own age does not guarantee loving, lifelong relationships. I know many people who are estranged from siblings, or who are just not very close to their brothers and sisters. My son does have a brother and sister, but, in their mid and late 20s, they are old enough to be his parents themselves.

I also know only children who have found close relationships with friends, cousins and other more distant family members, and they are very fulfilled with those relationships. Friends become surrogate siblings in this case. "Family" does not necessarily have to be related or have grown up in the same home with you. It's what you make of it, and I think that, in many cases, only children have a better sense of this--at least that's the case with the ones I've known.

The one thing I do worry about with having only one--especially at my age--is somehow losing him. I know losing a child is a worry for ALL parents, but maybe it's a little stronger for parents of one child, especially when they are too old to have more children.

So, yes, I would have had another had I been blessed earlier in life. But I've got to play the hand I've been dealt, so we won't be attempting another pregnancy.

You're quite a bit younger than I am, though. If I were your age, I'd probably be giving it a go. Good luck in your decision.

K.

I am in the exact same place! Our daughter is 28 months old and a joy, but I turned 40 this past August and am feeling internal, irrational pressure to get pregnant again - even though rationally I am very happy with just one child. My husband is not really on board with having a second, which complicates everything. We decided last year that we would let nature decide, and so went off birth control at my insistence. I attended a fertility awareness workshop and started monitoring my cycles very closely, and found that every cycle I was maneuvering to try to get pregnant without really telling my husband what I was doing, waiting each month to see if I was, then being horribly disappointed when I wasn't.

Just last week, I had a talk with my husband and said that if we weren't going to actively try together, then I wanted him to get a vasectomy so we could just close that door once and for all. When I said that, he realized he wasn't quite ready to NOT try. But then here we are again in the same place... and I just feel desperate.

I love my daughter and she is perfect, and if we never have another child, I know she will have a full and rich life and so will we. And yet, I can't quell the yearning for another, it's inexplicable and consuming. I just made an appointment with my physician, who I trust and respect immensely, and plan to talk all of this out with her and take her advice for next steps. In the meantime, I'll probably just keep having "sneaky sex" with my husband on fertile days and see what happens.

So I don't have any advice, just empathy.

K.

Dear K.,

You have already gotten a great mix of advice from other women in your situation, so I will just share my experience and insight. I am turning 40 this year and have a beautiful 3 year old that is the light of my and my husband's life. She is my husband's only child, but I have an older son in high school, almost grown, from my first marriage. But they are 13 years apart, and it is hard to say how much my daughter will even remember about my son when she is his age, since he will be on his own and in college in a couple of years.

I had a difficult 2nd pregnancy, I discovered I had gestational diabetes, and also planned a C section because of complications from my first pregnancy. So I didn't really want to a repeat of her pregnancy. And she will be raised mostly as an only child. My son was also an only child for a long time, and has been nothing but a joy to us.

As another woman said, just because they are siblings, doesn't mean they will be close. I grew up in a family of 4 kids, and was not close to any of them until I became an adult, and even then, mostly due to my own efforts. I seem to have become the family peace maker. But my upbringing was not a happy one, and I think most siblings raised in a loving nurturing home will grow up close, despite their fighting. But that is all I seemed to do with my siblings, so I didn't want to deal with all the fighting that siblings do.

I personally would wait at least until you both are sure that this is what you want. You have a lovely little girl, and she will have your undivided attention and focus, one of the benefits of an only child. My husband was an only child, and adopted, so he wasn't raised with siblings or family, and he says he loved it. I was raised with siblings and I hated it, so it wasn't a tough decision for my husband to get a vasectomy and to be done with having children. They take a lot of time, energy, and effort and I just don't think I have the energy in me for another one. Although if another one had come along, I am sure I would have found it in me somewhere. But I have really noticed with my daughter how much harder it is this time. I don't have the energy I did in my twenties. On the flip side, I have more patient and a lot more knowledge, so I guess it was a give and take.

I guess my advice is to follow your hearts. I don't think you child will resent being an only child, especially if you fill her life with all your love and fun activities. There are rewards and trials either way. I don't know how women do it having children so close together. I can't imagine having 2 babies in diapers at the same time. The first baby always feels a little jealous of the younger one because babies take a lot of attention and care. So much more of your time and effort is taken away from your first child. Many women have babies well into their 40's safely these days. So if you aren't sure right now, maybe wait another year and readdress the issue then. Children that are 3, 4, or 5 years apart have just as much chance of being close siblings as those that are 1 or 2 years apart. My son who is now 16, thinks the world of his 3 year old sister, and even though she sometimes drives him crazy, I don't regret at all putting that much space between them. I even recommend it lol. It sure is a lot easier having an extra pair of hands to help with her sometimes. And think of how much less work it will be to have another if your first is already potty trained, eating independently, or even in pre school. Just a few things to think about. There is nothing at all wrong with only one child, and there are certainly plenty of blessings. Best wishes.

T.

Just a short note. I am an only child and don't like not having any siblings. I will be alone after my mom and dad are gone. Thank God I had 3 children so they won't have this feeling. I do agree with some, how say check out adopting another maybe 2 or 3 years older than your child is now. Good luck, J.

I'm short on time, but wanted to quickly comment. I became a stepmom when I married at 37. I had my first child at 38 and my 2nd at 41. Three boys. To me it was never a question whether I wanted a 2nd. Unfortunately, it was more a matter of how we were going to get it due to infertility issues related to age. We are tired a lot. Getting up in the night was very hard to do the 2nd time. Life is crazy. But I wouldn't give it up for anything. I can't imagine life without our youngest. I often wish I was younger so I had more energy and I would likely live longer to see more of their life. But it took me a long time to find my husband - there's nothing I can do, but make the most of every day with the children I have. I love all three of them with all my heart.

My stepson is in Everett most of the time. I didn't want my firstborn to be mostly an "only" child. But more important than that, I had a hole in my heart waiting to be filled by another child. There was no question about wanting a 2nd regardless of impact. I read once that you should never have another child so your child can have a sibling. You should have another child because you really want him/her and you have the love and commitment for that child.

I hope this helps. Mostly I would encourage you to be very sure of what you want and why you want it. And then I think the decision will be clear.

Good luck,
C.

I'm 40 years old and was in the same boat you were when our son was 16 months old.. He now just turned 2 and we've decided to go for one more! I'm so sad that the last two posts seem to tell you not to have more but everyone is entitled to their beleif.. I also have a 20 year old son who was raised as an only son, so I do know the difference.. My 20 year old has had a great life with lots of cousins, family and friends but I have always regretted not giving him a sibling. I think socially it does make a difference in the long run. I was just exhausted and couldn't imagine having another one and now that our son is 2 and I'm feeling like I'm coming out of that cloud, we've decided to do it again but after 2 years, I know it will all be worth it and it wasn't that bad, just a bit exhausting.. I have a wonderfully supportive husband and that makes all the difference.. For us, it just seems like it's more of a family and more complete with two. It's your decision but at least wanted to give you an opinion the other way! Only you and your husband can decide that.. If you're healthy, can afford it and have a supportive husband.. why not?! Go for it and enjoy, what's a little exhaustion compared to the wonderful outcome of two children.. I just look at mother's with 4, 5 or more children and think if they can do that many, I certainly can do two!! They also say 2 is much easier because they entertain each other.. We LOVE to travel and this was a big decision but we have been in careers all our lives and I'm able to stay home now and think, this is what life is about.. not throwing yourself in a job, working 15 hour days.. I would rather be working towards my own family and I coulnd't be happier! Good Luck with your decision!

Hi, we sort of went through the same thing. We physically had our first at 39. We had already adopted our son who was 7 at the time our daughter was born. I completely understand where you are coming from on having a sibling. I think it is important, both my parents were only children and struggled with it most of their life. The only issue at this point is the increase of the possiblity of your child being born with down-syndrome or some other disability. We decided it was just to great and knew our limitations. Have you considered adoption? If you can afford it, it is wonderful.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

K. - Thanks for bringing up this topic - it's one that is very near to me right now. I'm 39 and have a 19 month old boy, and I'm not sure about having a 2nd child. I'm an only child, and didn't mind it, but I always thought I would have 2 children. However, after suffering a ruptured disc and having back surgery a few months back, the physical reality of having children in your late 30's/early 40's was brought home to both my husband and I... I went through about 6 weeks without being able to pick up my toddler, and I worry that having a 2nd pregnancy would cause more physical problems. (And it put a lot of stress on my husband since he had to do so much extra while I was recovering.)

Like you, I'm leaning toward having another, and my husband is leaning (hard) the other way. As another commenter said, I worry about (god forbid) what would happen if we lost our child. And I worry about him being lonely, and about the burden on him of potentially having to care for 2 parents by himself when we get old. I also think that he is so beautiful and fun, it would be wonderful to have another child. But on the other hand, I know that he would benefit from having our full attention and resources. And our son has been so "easy" (great sleeper, etc.), and I just don't know that we would win that lottery again! I also worry that having a 2nd child would put a strain on our marriage. I see many friends with 2 young children and they always say how easy it was with just one. I've always thought about adoption, and am still open to that idea. We've also talked about having exchange students when our son is older, so I know there are plenty of ways to keep him company, although it's not the same as having a sibling.

I know that we have enough love in our hearts for a 2nd child, but physically and financially, I think that stopping at one is probably the wise decision for us. It's hard though - I'm not ready to completely close the door yet.

Best of luck to you...

I'm over 40 and my husband and I have an absolutely wonderful young son. Yes, we would like to have had siblings for him too. My brothers (thankfully) do not and will not have any childern. He does have a cousin on my husbands side. However, whether we want him to spend any time with that cousin is a question too. I rarely speak to my brothers,(no animosity, just nothing in common). I would say, don't have another just to hope that they'll get along. Many siblings don't. Friends are our family and our son has many. He is rich in friendships. Our friends have come through for us more than either of my brothers has when we needed them. Be happy and know that you are blessed.
Also, there is also fostering and adoption.

Dear K.,
I am 44 and had my first and only child at 42. A beautiful, loving, baby girl. She just turned two at the end of December. For me, I feel blessed that she is a part of my life. I sometimes suffer some guilt that she will not have any siblings from me. I think the way that we can bless each others life will make up for that. She will have opportunities that if there were more than one child she would not. Also, I plan to teach her the value of great friends and relationships with others. She has cousins that are much older than her and some that are closer to her age in Southern CA. I plan to take her there as frequently that I can so that she knows that she has family and is not ALONE. I agree with the previous response, that there are no guarantees. Currently I don't have much of a relationship with my siblings. My sister and I are close when we talk but it isn't frequent and my brother and I rarely talk. This is not my choice but that is the way that they choose things to be.
I wish you many blessing with whatever you decide.
God Bless!

I'm under 40, but here's my two cents:

Maybe it's okay to find a neighbor or friend with a similar aged child and let the littles become good friends. We currently have one child, but she is rapidly learning to share, cooperate and play nicely. We have one good friend that we usually see 3 days each week and the girls play for an hour or two. Other options: Gymboree, Kindermusik, library storytime, etc. They're all good ways to help your daughter socialize that don't require you to have another kid that you're not 100% sure about! :)

Hi K.:

Have you thought about adopting? Being the mother of a 11 months old girl I can feel with you that it is a great relieve finally being able to get more uninterrupted sleep again. When I first had our daughter I wanted to have a second child as soon as possible. This feeling has changed now, and we want to wait at least a couple more years, just to get more stable financially. If you want to wait a few years before having another child you might want to consider adoption. There are so many kids out there in need of a loving home. You could even adopt a child in your daughter's age, so she could have an instant friend.

Hi!
My husband and I had no kids and went to 2 boys 3 and 4 1/2 overnight.We are in our 40's They were my nieces kids and the State wanted to place them with family. We were the best choice or be adopted out of the family.It is great that there are 2. We have friends that are older and have one and the little boy is quite lonely a lot of the time. I would say go for it.I have met women in thier 20's and they all are just as tired and overwhelmed.So they say. Adoption is another option if a another baby is too much.It is nice to have them from the beginning. However,check with you Doctor.Good luck.

Take care,
P. C.

Hello,
I am not over 40 (I am 36) but our situations sound so similar that I had to write! The best of luck to you and your husband in making this decision and I will be very interested in reading your responses!
T.

Wait, in time she will require less time and effort. Then you'll be able to talk to your husband in long sentences again and make a rational decision.

I think in a circle there is always room for one more.

I am 42 and have a 6 and 2 year old. We are so glad we had 2, but at times our second (a girl) is a real challenge. We just stay consistent with our discipline--(time outs, etc.) We have a very happy family. I will say, my second pregnancy was much tougher than the first. I have always been in fairly good shape (athletic) and the second pregnancy took a toll on my body. Longer to recover the strength back in my legs. I also got a rash from the pregnancy that lasted until my baby was a month old. No known reason. All that being said, I wouldn't trade a thing:)

Well, I had my first at 42 and a second at 44. Both are very healthy and there were a few challenges in the beginning getting used to the routine of an infant again. But it changes so fast and the kids play together and squabble on occasion, but I wouldn't change it for any thing. My kids are now 3 1/2 and 16 months.

I sometimes find that I am tired, but I think that being older has helped me to be more patient. I think there are pros and cons of two at any age you have them and you should do what feels right to you.

My friend is feeling the loss of not having a second. She wanted one and her hubby didn't, so they stuck with one. She recently had a hystorectomy (sp) and is going through some depression now. Definitely too late for her.

You have time to decide, talk it over with your husband. Maybe you should both write a list of why you want another or not to have another and compare notes.

I love that my 16 month old already interacts with other kids instead of just parallel play like his sister did at that age. Growing up with a sibling has taught him how to play with other kids, already. It is so fun. And things change so quickly, that the infant/no sleep phase is gone before you know it.

Good luck to you and your family.
D.

If you can afford to raise another child than do it. I am 44 and have a 5 year old daughter. I was unable to have another child and all my family live in australia so she will never really know her cousins.
After about 3 to 3 and a half children are a lot less draining so that overwhelmed feeling will pass : )

Maybe consider adopting an older child?