Trade off Holidays, and Baby's 1St Xmas Family Issue; What Would You Have Done?

I'm with you... I will NOT change my plans at the last minute. Any grandparents should have better manners than that. They know how difficult it can be to travel with small children and how much easier it is to have everything planned ahead of time. Also, your mother knows that you in-laws had already made a lot of plans around the original dates. It was extremely rude of her to suggest that they all change around their plans to suit her, especially since they are the family that doesn't get to see the baby much. Special efforts have to be made in the case of far-off family, and your mother should be gracious enough to accept that without trying to make you feel bad about it.

You might tell her that you have a new policy stating that you aren't going to change ANY travel plans without two weeks notice at the very least. :) Stick to your guns. You've got the right of it.

A.,

You did a fine job making such a tough decision. I can't say that I did any different back in the beginning. Now we are 13yrs later and 2 more children (3 total) and I find that my way of looking at things is a lot different than it was back then. My family lives here and my husband's parents live 8hrs away. It was their choice to move that far away. I can't say that I blame them. They are in SE GA and we are here in VA. It's much warmer down there for them and they love it. And even though my family could see our boys easier and more often than my in-laws, my parents are 10yrs older than my in-laws with many more health conditions too. This wasn't as big a factor 13yrs ago. I have so been down the guilty road and the frustration highway etc...etc....LOL The bottomline is this : you, your husband and your sweet, sweet baby are so very loved by EVERYONE! What a blessing! You can choose to see this as a good thing and rest in knowing that this is your family now...you, your husband and your son. You and your husband can decide what your family traditions are going to be from this Christmas on. How exciting is that?!

For us, we decided we didn't want our kids to be traveling on Christmas day after opening all of their presents. We wanted them to wake up on Christmas morning at home and to enjoy all of their toys, games, books and such right here at home that whole day. So we told our folks that this is what we wanted for our family for Christmas. So we all (my sisters and their families too) go to Mom & Dad's for Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve. We have a big feast, open presents and have a great, happy, stress-free time together. Our boys love it since they get to open some presents before Christmas morning. LOL

My husband has usually had to work the days following Christmas. So we decided that we would spend New Years with his parents in GA. This was so cool when we only had the 1 child. LOL His parents would watch him while my husband and I celebrated New Years together dancing the night away. (This was our only 'date' for the year back then.) Since having the other 2, that got to be too much for Grandma and Grandpa. My husband has since changed jobs and now our fun time with them in GA is the week of July 4th each year. They also come up 2-3 times a year to visit for the boy's brthdays.

I have come to realize that every moment that our children have with our parents is a gift. It's all about making memories. Memories to last a lifetime. You kow, I still remember my Popie (as I called him) coming to visit us at our home on Christmas. It was so much fun having Popie there! He took us to the store and bought us all the candy that our hands could hold. LOL And then we graduated to the Family Dollar store. LOL We could pick out anything that we wanted. We were what now days people would call poor back then so this was such a HUGE deal for my sisters and I. It wasn't about the money he spent on us, it wasn't about the things we bought, it was only about the fact that our Popie loved us so much! And we knew it! With all of our heart, we knew that he loved us!

A., I wish there was a way that I could make all of this easier for you. I know we had some hard times figuring it all out over the years and we still do sometimes too. It's easier to travel with 1 little one than it is traveling with 3 of them. And just when you think you have it all figured out, something will come along and change it. LOL It's called LIFE! LOL Be sure to enjoy this journey it's not a race to the finish line, okay?

May the miracle of Christmas fill your hearts with warmth and love now and forever!

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys and married to my Mr. Wonderful for 15 yrs. I love to help other moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal!

I think you're trying to be fair, but here's the deal. You have your own family now, and for as much as grandparents want to see their grandchildren, you should try to establish your own holiday tradition. I told my husband that with two young kids I will not travel anywhere far around the holidays and Christmas day is spent in our own home. I don't want my extended family members to guilt me into doing anything.

I know I sound harsh, but there are plenty of weekends available to make special trips to see the grandparents. Furthermore, there's nothing stopping the grandparents from visiting you.

Establish your own traditions. By doing so, you set boundaries, which will only earn you respect. It may take a while for people to get used to these boundaries, but it pays off in the long run.

i think you handled it beautifully.
i wish you had been around to advise me when i was a new mom with my 2-month-old's first christmas (said baby is now 22.) we ran around to all in-law's houses, got exhausted, and had to drive home in a white-out snowstorm and pull over to nurse a frantically over-stimulated and hungry baby. terrible idea. i put my foot down then and insisted that anyone who wanted to see us on christmas could come to us, otherwise we would visit in a leisurely fashion and set it up according to our schedule. worked like a charm. all these years later and everyone else STILL drives out to visit us!
you done good.
;) khairete
S.

Dear A.,

Don't let this get you stressed or ruin the holiday for you, hubby and baby. Don't let anyone guilt you into anything that makes you feel rushed or uncomfortable.
You said that your parents and sister get to see the baby whenever they want and that the in-laws don't have that same opportunity. Gently remind your mom of this. Also - remind everyone that Christmas DAY is just a date on the calendar. The spirit of Christmas should be in our hearts everyday.
If you don't nip this all in the bud - it will only get worse as your child gets older.
Make some plans now for the future. Examples:
*** One year - Christmas at your parents, the next year - Christmas at hubby's parents
*** Christmas at YOUR house and both sides of the family come to you!
*** Christmas at your parents and Christmas at his parents seperatly on days BEFORE December 25 - THAT WAY, you, hubby and baby can have your own Christmas at your own house on December 25
Good luck!
A.

Been there, Done that. You did well.

I got a bit confused from your wording, areyou the one that asked the inlaws to change plans for your parents? If so... my only advice is to keep this situation in mind when similar ones arise, and most likely, they will. If you already have plans set with others, that you are happy with...don't let other family members on either side try to convince you to change it so that it betters them. That is not something you are obligated to do. As long as everyone is getting opportunities to see and spend time with your children, that should be what is important, and feel free to remind them of that. Being a little more blunt might help them to see that their requests from you are a bit selfish. Good luck! And don't let this bring you down...next time, just say no.
K.

(And if you are the one that asked, and you felt it was rude from the beginning, maybe telling the inlaws you are sorry about all of that will help put you at ease, I'm sure they will understand and not hesitate to forgive!)

A., you'll find this will happen frequently if you don't say no. For subsequent celebrations (1st bday, Mother's Day, etc), it's important for you and your hubby to decide how YOU TWO want to celebrate the occasion and plan from there. If others want to join you, fine. If not, let that be ok. YOU are travelling with a small child and your parents need to understand the difficulties involved with that. Of course, "back in their day" they didn't have all the "necessary" baby gear to pack, etc. Things are different now and they'll have to accept that. You may have to be a Mama Bear sometimes but that's ok: Mama Bears get respect and no one messes with them but everyone knows they love their babies and would do anything for them!! :)

Merry Christmas!
D.

We love our families, we love being with them, but Christmas is not allowed to be a fight. If anyone guilt us or pressures us, we'll stay home the next year, we felt we had to be firm to avoid just this (not the situation as much as you feeling bad about it on Christmas eve). And if everyone knows the rules up front, it's easier, so don't wait until next Christmas if you decide. The other thing is now that our son is 3.5, we decided Christmas was at home, everyone was invited (only my parents decided to come, his dad and wife are coming 3 days after Christmas) and it makes us a little sad, but we want our son to experience his first Christmas were he understands the magic at home. I also wanted to let him go to Christmas mass at his church, we're he can participate in the children's mass with all his friends. I'm very strict though, since last year we went to MI (his family) for 13 days, next year we're going to Fl (my parents) for the long trip, it was their choice not to come this year. My best friend drove from CT 4 hours out of their way to see her mom's family on Christmas eve before going to Florida to be with his family, because it's their year, and the stress was so bad, she called me crying 2 days ago and now, instead of driving the almost 24 hr drive straight down in 2 days, they have to drive from PA straight to make it in time, that's crazy. I will never let this wonderful season become that, especially because it stresses out the poor little ones too, they feel that stress. Now I think your schedule for this year is fine, oh my they're all lucky to get to see you, but more realistically, remind your mom that since she gave up this very important Christmas (that your baby can't participate in and has no idea about) that you'll remember that for the 2 and 3 year old Christmas, where the real fun is. Sorry if this was harsh, hope you can get something out of it. Merry Christmas!!

Hi- Put your foot down and decide how you and your husband want to celebrate the holiday. Soon your shcild will be older and catch the stressed out holiday vibe. We, to, had holiday family 'issues'. It's easy to get caught up in all of it, but we just made it about OUR child and OUR immediate family. SO, now they come to us. Christmas day- we're here and we welcome friends and family to stop by at will to celebrate with us. It's alot easier for a retired couple to travel than it is to cart around a baby all day or travel several hours. We put our foot down and haven't left the house on Christmas for 4 yrs now. You have to make a bit more effort on the cooking and prep work, but it usually ends up a potluck smorgasbord and we have a great time. Best of all, my child(5) is not stresed out running around all day and we are not hurting anyones feelings by skipping them. Next year is the time to set your own traditions- have a blessed holiday!

Oh Honey! What drama you have with the family! At least it's not with both sides....you are a married woman, and your inlaws are part of your family and since you have the new lil one, they are gonna wanna see you as often as you can! So on holidays, you work out what schedule will work, you can't go with the guilt, you will never get anywhere in your life comfortably or happy if you allow it to influence you. I agree, it was rude of your family to ask your inlaws to change plans. I know how the guilt feels, but I let it go years ago! I do what works for MY family...we control what happens, no one guilts us. When you can get there, you will be much happier!
Good Luck my dear!!
Merry Christmas!!

I just have to say you must be the dream daughter-in-law! To love your in-laws and be so caring towards them is probably very rare! I am lucky because my husband's mother is very flexible and both she and my parents live about the same distance away, so either she will come to my parents' house or they all will come to our house....I know everyone wants to be with baby during the holidays, but I think you did a good job - don't feel guilty about having your own plans and new family...your parents should feel guilty for putting you into an awkward, difficult situation in the first place and for trying to make you decide between them. I'm sure they didn't mean any harm by it - just causally asking them to change their plans, even if it is rude....but you won't know unless you ask. There's always next year and you can either alternate Christmases, decide to have everyone come to you, or whatever YOU choose to do. Your family should understand and should also help in making a new mom LESS stressed during the holidays rather than more stressed.

We have a policy that we spend Christmas at home which means we will travel to relatives to visit during the day, but no overnight traveling because the rule is, we wake up in our own house Christmas morning (because that's where Santa expects us to be) but that's our Christmas tradition that also alleviates the parents pull. We will travel right before and right after but alot of traveling can be unsettling to an infant or small child. I'm not saying you shouldn't go see them, but ample visiting time needs to be incorporated in to allow your child to adjust so staying an extra day is better for your baby. By having a rule like the Christmas morning rule, no one can get upset if we're not at their house on Christmas.

Sounds fair to me. The only thing that could have been done differently is notify everyone at the previous holiday what the plans were. Have talk with your family and help them understand that holidays will have to be divided unless you just decide to host holidays and let everyone come over. Either way, it's a ton of work and stress, and with a newborn, I think you're handling it the best way you can. People have told me that holidays are more special when there's a baby around. You're going to feel quite a bit of tug and pull for a little while. Your husband and you need to talk about how you're going to manage inlaws on both sides and holidays and let families know in advance so they're not planning extra stuff assuming you're going to be there when they want.

I would not worry about this. I would forgive your family and move on. It was a bit selfish of them to ask but not the end of the world. It is impossible to do exactly equal time with grandparents when not everyone is in town and it is probably impossible even then. Just enjoy baby's first Christmas and take lots of pics because he won't remember it. One of the hardest thing to learn as a parent is that this is your baby and not your mom's. You have to decide what to do for your family and if it is not exactly what your mom did or would do it does not mean you don't love her. She had her turn it is your turn to be the mommy now. Have a very Merry Christmas!

I don't have any advice, but I can definitely sympathize.

My inlaws, who we live with and get to see my son everyday, are upset that we are going to my parents' house tonight (which is only 20 mins away). My MIL doesn't understand why its so important since my parents will see my son tomorrow at my aunt's house (which is where my family's gathering is...and its only 30 mins from home). I explained that it was always family tradition for my grandmother to spend time with each individual family (you know, so she can spoil the grandkids individually).

Next year, my husband and I are hoping to have our own house and will invite my parents and his parents (although they won't come) on Christmas Eve.

We do Christmas morning with my hubby's family, and will continue to do breakfast with them even after we've moved out.