To Speak up or Not?

I think it might depend on his disorder/condition. Even if he can't reach it is obvious he is not being taken care of properly. I would say something to his parents or someone else such as a teacher, principal, etc maybe they can reach them. He should not smell like that no matter what he has, its just poor hygiene. I work with plenty of mentally handicap kids and none of them smell bad regardless of the condition or how "big" they are.

Maybe he should be wearing diapers and they should be cleaning him. He could have a control problem and be having accidents, i don't think its just because he's not cleaning properly, though it might be. Either way, his parents need to be more concerned and so should his doctor.

If his needs are so great that he has this much trouble wiping, than maybe that is something he shouldn't be left to do on his own, and the mother should be reminded of this. But if it's more of an issue that the parents don't want to deal with the problem than they should be called out on it. I would ask if "Johnny" has had and accident, and that opens the door to have the discussion on wet wipes.

i am rather aghast that some people have been so harsh. i cannot see at all how you are being insensitive. it is clear that you love your family- all of them- and don't want to stop spending time with them, and are just looking for a little help in this one particular area. and it's a real problem. the smell would be bad enough, but leaving a lingering odor on the furniture is a sign of something that truly needs to be addressed.
first off, i'm so sorry you're faced with this delicate situation, and totally applaud you for not thinking of cutting these folks out of your life but only to finding a courteous kind solution.
i think it's very possible the mom doesn't know. through all my years of smoking i always thought that washing my hands and taking a breath mint completely fixed the odor. ha! and while for most of us homeschooling is extremely social, busy, active and involved, i can also understand how the challenges of homeschooling teenagers with special needs could be very isolating.
you can't put it off any longer. you've got to take the bull by the horns. i wouldn't even try to approach it elliptically or find euphemisms or turn yourself inside out to be tactful. this mom has probably spent this child's entire life watching people crabwalk around them. get the kids settled (probably at her house) and get her alone for a cup of coffee and just do it. 'annie, you know how much i love you and the kids. you are so important to me and having you all in my life is a huge blessing. i've got a situation and need your help in finding a solution. now that benjamin is such a big boy, he seems to have developed a big-boy odor that goes beyond the goat smell most teenage boys contend with. it actually smells as if he's having trouble wiping, and the odor is so strong that it remains where he's been sitting. i would never dream of making him feel self-conscious, but we do need to address it. is there something about his personal hygiene that we can help him with? how do you think he would feel about having a special 'benjamin' chair that is all his (maybe paint or decorate it somehow) that has a plastic covering?' and make plenty of reassurances as to how much love them and enjoy their company. listen to her response carefully.
if she gets offended, set your jaw and keep offering love. it would not be surprising if she has a knee-jerk storm-off, but i'm betting that after she gets over the initial shock and hurt that she will really appreciate your openness and honesty. and it's very possible that she'll take it well in the first place.
good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
khairete
S.

yes, speak up that is a problem, but you can suggest the use of the new wet toilet paper wipes and how eaiser they are to use. My son has a hard time with this so we got those and showed him how to use the mirror to check himself. You are not telling her she is a bad person nor is he... you are simply reccomending a product that may be better for him to get cleaner. It's not that big of a deal to bring it up to me but she may be upset and that is just that. I have told my sisters about her son's grooming habits that she missed, an she was happy that I brought it to her attention.

I truly think the Mom must have become accustomed to that smell a long time ago and may need to be reminded gently about her son's hygiene. It may cause a knee jerk reaction of hurt, but overall I think she'd appreciate the honesty.

Hi,

I am sorry that you are going through this--But I just wanted to say that if she is a true friend, she will take this information and know that you are not saying it to hurt her, you are saying it to help her! Tell her the truth and that you are uncomfortable bringing this up but you have to get some things on the table. Tell her that her son seems to have a fecal odor to him and you are worried-- you want to know if he has a condition or if its anything she is aware of-ask her how you can help? Tell her the truth that you love having them come over, but it is distracting you to have this constant odor. Tell her that you would love to help her in any way and there is no shame in this-- If I were recieving this info, I would be hurt but would really listen to what my friend said. Good luck!

M

First, let me say it's great that you are including your friend & her family in your special events. Having a special needs child that's approaching the teen years, this post gives me a harsh look into our future . I don't think others understand how stressfull a situation it is to take our children to events , knowing you are opening yourself up to people being critical of your parenting / care skills. We often skip functions or split our family and most of the time, all do not attend as a whole family because of our childs oddities. It annoys me how many posters want advise on how to deal w/ others special needs children & assume they know what the kids problem is. Do you know his problem is because of," lack of wiping"? His problem could be any number of things or a combination. I doubt your friend is telling you every detail of her sons medical issues. Now, I admit I may uncomfortably bring it up just to stop any judgement from coming my way but some may not feel the need or are not comfortable enough to do so ( like my husband). I also will sometimes ask people if having my son around bothers them or I can usually read people pretty well but if you guys are that close of friends, she probably feels comfortable bringing him. She probably feels comfort in the fact that its one of the few places she can go without being judged and obviously she's wrong. If you don't like it,quit inviting her.
Again, I'm sorry for being harsh but it's sometimes a full time job just keeping up with our childrens self care skills. You probably don't know the half of what this women goes through on a daily basis. I hate to post such an abrasive comment but I fee the need to speak up for myself, a parent of a special needs child and any other parent that may feel the same as me.

So sorry you were blasted by a few posters here. You are not at all insensitive to this special needs child or his mother, in fact, just the opposite. You may not be educated about how to deal with this problem, (approaching a mother of a special need's child about a problem that may affect his well-being and has the possibility of socially ostracizing the child), but I think what you are asking for is help from those who have the experience in this area. Approaching any parent, but especially a member of your own family, is very hard. Kudos for you for being the one who is concerned enough, (and not about your furniture or sense of smell), to want to address the problem. Perhaps you could ask your own pediatrician for ways to approach the issue. He/she might be able to have insight into conditions that could be causing the problem.
I wish you well.

When they come over I would gently say, "I think he had an accident in his pants, will you check and help him with that please"? That way the mom will check and notice. If he is special needs, he may not realize that he is not wiping properly. Depending on his condition, he could be taught to do it the right way, or he needs the extra help from his parents.
I know it's hard to say such sensitive things, but she may be so use to the smell that she may not even notice herself. Just like smokers....they smoke so much, they don't realize how bad they smell because they are use to that scent. My husband's mother smoked like a turned over train, and he doesn't smoke. Every time I saw him while we were dating, he smelled like an ash tray. I actually had to spray him/his clothes with febreze to help cover it up whenever he'd come over to my place, or ride in my truck.
I hope you can talk to her about this. Since you all are so close, I'm hoping she will understand and accept your request to help keep her son clean. I bet it doesn't make for a pleasant visit. Best wishes to you.

It sounds like you are close to this "sister" so talk to her about her son's odor. There are reasons for fecal body odor besides not wiping. He may have a medical condition and your sister may be aware of it and has tried all she can to help him without success. If you let her know that the odor is overwhelming, she may be able to help you when they come over, by directing him to sit on furniture with a washable cover near an open window.

I think you should say something, obviously it should be in a kind, helpful way.
The reason why I think you should say something is because I think he could grow a rash that not only will hurt him but if not take care it can become infected and get worst.
To me is not even so much a matter of smell or looks, but a matter of the health.
If this was about dirty clothes, or behavior, I think is up to the parents, but I couldn't just not saying something knowing that this can hurt him (I remember how bad the rash on babies get, it sure brake my heart every time my kids got one)
If he is unable to clean him self, or if he needs to learn how to, the parents need to step up.

I can not say for sure if you should or should not say something, but if you do say something expect that you may not see them anymore. If someone told me my son smelled so bad he made my furniture sour I would simply say "fine, nice knowing you" and leave it at that. If she can smell it (which if he is that bad I am sure she does) than I am sure there is some reason it is that way or has not been dealt with.

CPS.....your relative is is not capable of taking care of her children....and it doesn't seem like family is willing to step in.

If what you say is true, this is disgusting and unhealthy!

Blessings....

Some special needs people are never potty trained.
They need someone to change their diapers their whole lives.
His Mom should know she needs to help him with this or keep him in Depends.
If she can't or won't, then try to invite them to out door activities only.
I'd have a real problem with needing to clean sewage seepage off my furniture after every visit.
His Mom needs some help with this otherwise they are going to become even more socially isolated.

That my dear would be a problem. I would probably put plastic on my furniture when entertaining or have get togethers in other establishments.

Chances are about 1 in a trillion that the mom is NOT aware of this. I'm sure the kid is as well. Remember how mean kids can be?

Google encopresis. This might be it. I really don't think I'd say anything. If the smell is a deal breaker--stop inviting them.

It's better to put efforts into modifying your own behavior rather than waste time & energy trying to get others to change their behavior.

Oops sorry,special needs, don't know the answer.

My job is to work as a special needs nurse. No, people with special needs do not grow into tasks the same as those of us who are lucky enough to not have special needs. Their IQ's do not magically get higher as they age. People with special needs ( regardless of their size "chubby") can be taught some tasks and some do not have the capacity to learn other tasks. Many individuals with special needs require bowel training, and others who are autistic have a tendancy to dig in their peritoneal area.
To be completely honest, you are insensitive. If you truly are a sister to this person you would feel comfortable discussing the situation with her. Ask her what the problem is gently and I am sure she would be happy to explain the situation to you.
Then maybe you as a non special needs individual could develop the ability to be compassionate to those less fortunate.