To Sleep Train or Suck It Up? That Is the Question...

I am so glad you asked this question! I'm in the same boat with my 9 month old who was sleeping through the night and has sinced regressed! I'm a zombie. I've tried sleep training. This worked with my daughter but doesn't seem to be doing much for my son. He still requires that I come in and pat his back until he falls back asleep. If I don't, then he stands in his crib and cries endlessly. If he's awake and calm, the minute I leave the room he's standing and screaming. Last night we were up from 3-4:30 trying the sleep training method for the third night in a row to no avail. I'm going to try the vanilla custard route and then keep at it. We need sleep...badly! Good luck to you and I hope we both can benefit from these suggestions:)

I would encourage you to check out www.askdrsears.com. In particular, the links on this page: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp

...and the information here: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp

Great information, and it may help you in your quest for better sleep. Remember that if your baby is just asking to spend time with Mommy, he is NOT being manipulative. But ignoring his request can lead to manipulation in the future. Meeting those needs for comfort now helps him to grow from a place of trust. Imagine if you were unable to communicate, and the person you trusted the most ignored your cries for comfort.

Hi S.,

It sounds to me like your little guy might just be hungry. You said he went to sleep after you gave him a little food. My firstborn was a big eater (still is at 36 and 6'3") and when we started giving him a bottle of cereal before bed, he slept through the night. He was also a very social little person and liked the company if he couldn't sleep--don't we all? Make sure his tank is full before you put him to bed at night and see if that helps. Abuela

I had the same problem with my son who is now 6. Seemed like he was doing really well with sleeping through the night and then.... every three hours fussing. I actually took him into the doctors because we just couldn't figure out what the problem was. His doctor asked his evening feeding schedule... we said we fed him dinner at 5 (cereal mixed with formula, some type of fruit or veggie baby food and a bottle) and then a bottle at 9 before he goes down for the night. His reply was "fill his tank". Give him food with his bottle at 9... as he grows so does his metabolism... his body is burning calories as he sleeps and he doesn't have enough substance in him to sustain him through the night. I do remember questioning this because I always thought it was not best to have a full stomach of food before laying down to sleep and he had had acid reflux problems which seemed to be much better. I said I would try it once to see...we gave him a jar of vanilla custard which he loved and he slept so hard and sound that I was actually up more times that night just to check on him and when the sun came up I woke with a panicked feeling like something was wrong only to find him still sound asleep and perfectly fine. I can't even tell you how long he ate a jar of vanilla custard before sleep but it was a very long while and he slept "like a baby." Hope this helps. :o)

Again, I really have to disagree with the CIO method-- I think it is very unfair to expect babies to comfort themselves... Do we let them cry during the day when they don't conform to our schedule and needs?? Why do we insist on letting babies cry in the night? It seems strange to me... But I am a big follower of Dr. Sears. He says all of this much better than I so I would check out some of his books...

I never did let my two boys CIO. When they woke up in the middle of the night, I went in with them. When they were infants, I nursed them, they went back to sleep and so did I. When they were very young, I would lay with them for 5-10 minutes, or sit in their room, and they would go back to sleep. Usually there was a reason why they would wake up, and some kids are just heavier sleepers than others. Being a light sleeper myself, I can understand waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go immediately back to sleep without some sort of 'comfort method.' An infant isn't able to count sheep or do relaxation techniques, etc. that is what mom is for. I never really stressed about 'sleep training' and my boys now are excellent sleepers. For me, sleep training creates much more stress on me than it is beneficial for the child.

Like Nola, I also used CIO with our son. I used it when he was 6 months, it worked and then at 10 months, like your son, he regressed for whatever reason and I used it again. I'm sure you're tough enough for sleep training! If you're not now you will be when things get worse. And they will get worse if you don't nip it in the bud now.

Buy the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. Even if you don't follow the advice, just read up on how babies sleep. I promise it'll be useful information.

When he wakes up, don't go in there! He's not sick and he's old enough to fall back to sleep on his own. It sucks for a few nights, but after those few nights, I bet you'll have your nights back.

You have to make sure he's getting enough daytime sleep, but not too much..no more than 3 hours, has an early bedtime like between 6:30 and 8, isn't overtired when you put him down and has a consistent bedtime routine. Those are my "magic tricks" and I could go on for a long time on this, so you could email me if you like! ____@____.com

It's probably a growth spurt; put some cereal in the last bottle before bedtime, and increase food during the day (I'm assuming you're feeding cereal and fruit at breakfast then a bottle, meat veg and fruit at lunch then a bottle, and meat veg and fruit at dinner, then a bottle with one more bottle at bedtime after a relaxing bath-better than bathing in the morning). Babies don't usually overeat, they stop when they're full. My kids all were up until 9 or 10pm until they started pre-school because of naps. You should expect another growth spurt at 12 mos, and then they kind of level off and grow more gradually; and there's the whole cutting teeth issue (molars are the worst). Good luck!

SLEEP TRAIN
I had a similar issue with my son who is now almost 2. We figured out that he would wake up and want to play or just get thirsty. We put a bottle at first and then started putting a zippy cup with water in his crib at night. We also let him have safe toys to play with when he woke up. I fell into the trap of getting up and playing with him and even giving him some milk, but he just seemed to get worse and not better. It was as if I was training him to wake up and expect mommy time and his milk. You can slowly go in his room and only offer him the water and no play time and slowly transition to just leaving the water abnd toys, don't be afraid to let him cry it out, he needs the full nights sleep just as much as you. Good Luck :)

You MUST, for your own sanity, and for your kids' own self-reliance, get them sleeping on their own.

In your message you said that you let him cry a bit (OK), but them you go in and cuddle him (BAD).

During nighttime hours, fill the need and back to sleep. Bottle, diaper, whatever, but no cuddling and cradling him back to sleep. You will learn the types of cries and what the "need" is.

It works. My twins have been sleeping through the night since they were 15 weeks old. They are now 16 months. They have NEVER slept in our bed.

You just have to bite the bullet. Their maybe some midnight frustration, but you might also be surprised how quickly your kids adjust once their/your expectations are clear. GOOD LUCK!

Hi S.,

I am a mom of 4 in Raphine, VA. Sleep training is tough, but SO worth it! All kids are different, and they hit that "magic moment" at different ages, but here's what I've learned - three solid training nights is key! First night of sleep training - CHAOS and sleep deprivation! Second night - CHAOS and sleep deprivation! Third night - Oh my goodness, what a little angel!! Figure out which method you are going to use (crying it out, etc.) and then stick with it. If you don't budge, they will adapt. The only caveat to this is if you have an extremely high strung munchkin that can't settle down on their own; ever. How does your 9 month old do at naptime?

Well being that old, I would let them cry, and when and if you do go into the bedroom, make sure they are safe, and then say good night, don't give them water or anything, they may be looking for the extra attention. I would try to give them extra attention in the evening so then they may not want it in the middle of the night.

Been there done that!! I feel your pain! I have had sleep problems with both my almost 4 year old and almost 2 year old! What has worked best for us was both Babywise book & the Ferber book. Babywise worked for my son when he was an infant and he slept good until 18 months. For older kids 12 months+ I found the Ferber book very helpful. They also make a Babywise toddler book too! Once we finally sucked it up and did the CIO with my daughter 22 months old she has been GREAT since! We did this about 18 months and wish we did it sooner! My son still has issues, but I think it is because of anxiety and his dad being gone often for short trips. Good luck. Feel free to contact if you want more info or someone to complain to :)

My son and daughter used to be terrible sleepers, and now they are both wonderful. There are many methods. Whatever advice you recieve, tweeking it to fit your personality and the personality of your child will make it more effective, and will make your commitment to it more real. My daughter was a nightmare. I felt like sleep deprevation was making me lose my mind. She was 11 months old when I reached my breaking point. It took 3 days to get her to sleep. She cried all night the first night. I would go in every 10 minutes, then 20, 30, and eventually once an hour. She cried for 8 hours. I offered her food, water, a moment of snuggling, but I was determined to teach her to sleep. The second night she cried only three hours. The third, only one. After that, she went to sleep on her own, and put herself back to sleep when she woke up. It was a horrible three days, but we never had to repeat it. I was then free to do nightly routines, and know that when I left, she'd be okay. My son was different. He had a different personality, and my daughter's solution didn't feel right for him. So when I started feeling like a zombie again, I gave him an extra snack before bed, and when he woke up in the night, I made myself wait for 10 minutes, then check on him and nurse him back to sleep. Then if he woke again, I waited 15 minutes, then if again, 20 minutes, and so on. It took three days, and he was putting himself to sleep wonderfully. They have to learn to fall back asleep when they are hungry, even really really hungry. But if they are falling asleep and can't stay asleep because of the hunger, then you do give them something, especially at only 9 months. Many babies are growing at 9 months and just need extra nourishment. Many many babies can't make it through the night without a feeding until they're a year old. It really depends on the child. I didn't start sleep training until they were close to a year, because before that it felt like they had real needs they were waking for. You know your child and yourself better than anyone, so the when and how is best left to what your instincts are telling you.

i understand although i did the CIO with mine the day they turned two. i thought doing the CIO before then was just not in me. who knows if it would have worked but i tell you i had had it by the time they turned two.
so, my piece of advice is you may try it for a week or two and see if it works. you have a toddler as well so you need your rest.
also, the cio thing just wanted to clarify. when i did it the going in every so often did not work. they knew i would eventually go in, so they kept crying. then i decided not to go in for at least 30-60 minutes but sat by the monitor to listen whether their cry went from mad to hurt. it never did but a few nights of not going in worked. first they cried for like 45 min then fall asleep. the second night cried for like 20 min and went asleep, by the third night they slept on their own. in meantime they would wake up from time to time at night but i would not go in but listen for a few minutes and they'd fall asleep. that being said, i don't think i would have done the same if my kids were less than 2 years old. but you may try it.

Best sleep advice I ever received was Everyone should sleep where everyone gets the most sleep.

There are sooooo many different opinions on this. Each mother should do what they feel is right; however, without starting a huge debate, since you asked, I will give you my thoughts on this. I had 3 boys in three years, I know it is so hard to hear your children cry, your instinct as a mother is to comfort them, believe me I know. However what I learned after doing it the wrong way with the first child is, when one doesn't teach their children how to comfort themselves back to sleep on their own, it doesn't do you or them any favors. At 20 months your child should be sleeping through the night. You know he's not hungry or in pain, let him cry it out, contrary to what many people think it is not going to make him think you don't love him or make him feel insecure, I assure you it most likely will not take more than 2 weeks to have him sleeping through the night, quite possibly a lot less. Each time you are going in to comfort him now, you start the process all over again. He knows you are going to come in. When you stop coming in, he will eventually stop the crying, he won't love you any less and feel like you love him any less, but the both of you and your family will be a whole lot happier with two well rested individuals.

Remember when your sleep is interupted you are not at your best as a mother, partner, friend or what have you and your child is not at his best either the following day.

Even on the Nanny show, she is not a follower of the co-sleeping or getting up several times a night with your toddler. I say this, so you know even professionals think this same way.

However to all the co-sleepers and the moms that don't agree with me, out there I'm not condemning what you do, like I said to each their own. You do what you feel most comfortable with, but in this particular situation she does not like getting up several times a night, so this is just my opinion. So this need not turn into a huge debate, b/c this is usually a topic that causes that.

Hi S.,
We got our first child to sleep through the night at 4 months by doing the let him cry for 15 min thing he always went back to sleep ususally around 13 min. It took only 4 days of doing that and my husband had to basically hold me in the bed for the 15 min (but Im glad he did, Im not a night person). But.. our second child was harder she still started sleeping through the night at 6 months, but she had RSV as a baby so we couldn't let her do the cry thing, becasue her nose would get really stuffed up, so this is what I did. I knew she was only getting up, because I was feeding her, so instead of giving her formula I got smart and started giving her water in her bottle (she wasn't as intrested) I also didn't rock her or talk to her or give her any extra soothing attention. I basically got her out of her crib, sat down and gave her the water (2oz). I made this as boring as possible to her. Now once the water was gone I got up and put her in her crib (on her belly (she rolls by now)) and walked away. She fussed for about 5 min and went back to sleep. This took about 5 days. I think she just thought it wasn't worth it to get up for that. I know it's hard to not want to go to your crying baby, but not only do you need the sleep (the deep sleep), but so does he. He is just waiting for you to teach him. Just think it will be hard and you will probably cry, but in the end it is worth it. Good Luck

I used the Sleep Lady method. The first three nights you sit next to their crib, try not to touch them, and soothe them. Leave once they are asleep. Then for the next three nights you move closer to the door. Depending on the size of your room move to the doorway. Then out of the room but in sight for three nights. Then out of sight for three days you can calm them with your voice. By this stage I didn't even have to sit there. If they wake up in the middle of the night you go back to where ever you were at bedtime. What this is doing them is teaching them to put themselves to sleep. Any way, there is a book. I just cannot remember the name. If you google Sleep Lady sleep method. You will find it. It really helped me with my older one. Good luck and hang in there. Here's to sleeping through the nigh!!!

I did the whole "sleep train" thing with my little one. It worked great. He was younger at the time so it does get a bit harder at 9 months. You're doing right by letting him cry a bit and going in to check but try not to hold him- i know its hard but it sends mixed messages to him. Set timed intervals for yourself, 10 min, 20 min than 30 min, if he's crying you can go in and talk to him to soothe him- don't stay longer than 30 sec. (I referred to Babywise for help) I had to have my husband home when I started this because I would have given in on several occasions. It took about 3-4 nights of this before he would just fuss or talk to himself for 15 min- than he was out. If he wakes during the night- do the same regimen. Good luck and stay strong- its for the best of everyone in your household!!

When my oldest was about 10 months 20/20 did a special on getting your kids to sleep through. If they wake up you were supposed to go in lay them back down and say it's time for sleep or something like that and that was all you said. Then leave the room. if they started to cry you were supposed to wait 5 minutes and then go in and lay them back down again - never pick them up out of their crib. Then you were supposed to wait 10 minutes, ten 20, then 40 etc. We never got passed 20 and by the third night she wasn't waking up any more. I started with 2 minutes and doubled it (it was hard to hear her cry), and I stuck with it. For my next 3 kids I started this much earlier and sure enough it worked. I think the trick is not to engage them in the middle of the night so they realize playtime is over. Unless you want to start having breakfast at 3 AM I wouldn't feed your child then. If you start on a weekend and be consistent so your child knows you mean it, I bet by Monday you'll once again be getting a good nights sleep :)

i recommend the Babywise series of books by Ezzo and Bucknam. it worked wonders for us!!

We are currently going through a similar problem with our 7 mo old. We are using the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. There is also a NoCry2 yahoo group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NoCrySleep2/) that has some wonderful links to articles about dealing with sleep issues. They have several that talk about the problems with the CIO method (specifically how it increases the cortisol in their little developing brains which can later lead to psychiatric disorders - I don't know how true it is, but it is worth thinking about). I hope this helps - if nothing else, it is another perspective. :-)