TO MEDICATE OR NOT TO MEDICATE..what Are My Rights..

Hi K.,

It sounds like you're me 14 years ago, only my step-son was 6 when he was diagnosed with ADHD. Believe me when I say that my husband and I felt the same way you and your husband feel right now about medicating a child and we too thought my husband's ex was just doing it to keep him under control.

Part of the process in the program where my step-son was diagnosed included counseling on the subject for ALL parents involved. We had to meet with a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a Medical Doctor regarding the diagnosis and they educated us on the tests and how they came to the conclusion that our son had ADHD. We were very resistent, but they argued away all our points and gave us tons of literature regarding the results. It turned out not to be a simple process at all. After praying about it and really researching it, we came to the conclusion that he had been identified at school by his teacher and the administrators as possibly having ADHD, he had been put thru rigorous testing, orally, written and clincal, and the conclusions by professionals were that he had ADHD. All the things they told us about the disease were characteristics our son had displayed so we could no longer deny it was true. More so than all of that, we had to realize that because the disease causes a chemical imbalance in the brain, medicine is the most effective way to treat it. To keep the medicine from the child is to put that child at a disadvantage in everything he does. While the rest of his classmates are able to focus on tasks at school, his brain is going many different directions and he can't concentrate no matter how hard he tries. We realized it was bordering on cruelty to try to keep him off the medication when we knew the medication would help him to pay attention in class. It wasn't a behavioral issue. It was a physical issue that had to be dealt with in a medical way. Once we wrapped our brains and hearts around that truth, we gave up trying to fight with my husband's ex about the medication and my son was on it from the age of 6 until after he graduated highschool.

I will add that as he was older, when he would run out of his medication and would forget to tell me he was low and he had to wait as much as a week for us to go get the Rx and then get it filled, he was miserable in school. He found it very hard to concentrate and he could tell a huge difference when he was taking it and when he wasn't. He was much happier when he was on it because it wasn't such a struggle to concentrate. He felt "normal" when he was taking it and like he was out of control when he wasn't. Those are his words, not mine.

I know this in no way answers your question about your husband's legal rights with regards to medical issues with your step-son, but I will say that if the ex has all rights in medical decisions in the divorce and custody decree, and you try to take her to court to get this changed, but the judge sees evidence of fact from the testing and the doctors and other professionals that say your step-son has ADD and needs the medication, I'd be very surprised if it doesn't look like a petty fight to the judge at that point and you'll have wasted the time and money for nothing when the judge steps in and says your step-son needs the medication to function at his best in school and that your ex had your step-son's best interest in mind when determining he needed treatment for the ADD.

I've always thought my daughter may have ADHD, but no teacher has even uttered that word when talking about my daughter's inattentiveness or other problems at school. I don't think it's handed out as a diagnosis nearly as often as it used to be. I think school adminstrators and medical professionals alike are very careful before labeling a child ADD/ADHD nowadays. So, if you decide fighting the ex on this is unproductive, I'd recommend doing some research on the disease and medication involved so you can feel more comfortable with it and realize you are doing something good for him by getting him treatment for the disease. You are giving him the tools he needs to have the best advantage in an already difficult and competitive school environment.

Good luck to you and your family.

1 mom found this helpful

The entire world has ADD. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't have any say. But, since she chooses to have him on medication...I would NOT suggest trying to not give him his medication while he is with yawl. It makes it very hard on the child. Try not to speak negative about it. I know it's hard, I'm a step mom too! But, we have to bite our tongue and do what is best for the child. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the medication is best, but if you don't keep him on a steady dose that the "mom" is trying to keep him on, it only hurts him.

I think the bigger issue is that it seems to really be more of a control issue between the ex-wife and you and your husband.

In the best interest of the child, I would hope all three adults could work together to decide the best course. Dad should go with ex-wife to see the person who evaluated son to get further information (with an open mind). He should also communicate his concern about medicating and over-diagnosing this particular problem, and should ask questions about other ways to treat it, and the possibility of just medicating during school days, etc. See what options are available. Bottom line would be to do what is truly in the best interest of the child, and it might take trying it out to see if it helps.

One thing to consider: it's possible the son is actually struggling more emotionally which is causing ADD-like symptoms. If mom and dad don't have a good working relationship, especially where he is concerned, this is definitely affecting him. Kids know MUCH more than we think the do about our behavior, feelings, relationships. My best encouragement is to set aside any hostilities or hurt feelings and try to work together as a team of 3 to do what is best for the son.

OK... I do believe he has rights as his father. But on the other hand if I were you I would get him tested... you might not want to put him on meds BUT if he does have ADD there are programs in school that can help him when he needs it. My dad is a pshycologist and my brother had ADHD and he put him on meds knowing the side effects, his concern was for him and how he would struggle with everything if he didn't have them. When my brother turned 18 he decided to get off of them and then realized how hard it was to have ADHD. The meds can make your stepson feel weird but there are many kinds now a days and I really think you should explore your options. Or like I said at the very least find out if he does have it for sure so he can get the help in school he may need. I agree with your husband that many kids are miss diagnosed or their parents just think they have it, but if you take him to a pshycologist and they find he has it then he has it. Good Luck!! I know how hard this is!

I know you are getting a lot of responses but I wanted to say two things from my personal experiences with ADD/ADHD but sorry I don't know much about the divorce situation:
1 - As a teacher, I know ADD/ADHD is REAL. I sometimes see children who are so severe that you can tell within five minutes if they've had their medication or not. Conversely, I see children who I would never guess have ADD/ADHD and their parents tell me all about it and how they struggled all through elementary until last year ... or whatever when they were diagnosed and got on meds (I teach upper elementary).
2 - Growing up, my brother was diagnosed with ADD and was medicated. After a while, he decided he didn't want the meds any more. (they made him loose his appetite, etc) I tell you this: it was a STRUGGLE and a BIG QUESTION every year if he'd pass that grade or if he'd have to go to summer school. It is a miracle he made it through high school. Also his behavior was an issue when not medicated. He was okay when he was doing what HE wanted to do but otherwise, forget it. When he went to college (trade school), he decided to put himself back on the medication. He worked for a moving company and did over the road driving. He failed the drug test (at first) for being on this medication but he knew he had to have it to make those long drives and concentrate when studying when he was paying his own way through school.

My point is that as a parent, you have to make the decision on what is best for your child. And - medicine might not be what is best but make sure you are making an informed decision and talk to his teachers! (they filled out paperwork to give to that psychologist that tested him originally most likely)

Hello. I am on the other end. I am the mom with sole custody that put my daughter (now 13) on medication about 5 years ago. It wasn't for ADD, though. It was for depression. We had the same situation. Her dad didn't want her on the meds. Since he has only visitation rights (sometimes even supervised...bad situation), he has no choice in the matter. We have gone thru episode after episode of him not giving her the meds when she's at his house, which only made her depression worse. Obviously you can't just stop taking these kinds of medications for a day or two & then pick back up on them. Once you stop taking them, you spiral downwards for weeks until the medication is back in your system regularaly. I would recommend your husband make an appointment to go talk with the doctor that either diagnosed your step son, check out a book on ADD or even look on the internet for more information. I also have a 7 year old with ADD. He almost didn't pass the first grade because he was having so much trouble reading. They did go ahead and 'place' him in 2nd grade. After that happened we finally got him in for testing. I'm not sure what kind of testing your husband's ex had him go thru, but ours was $1,500 and consisted of a 4 hour long examination of my son that included reading, math & other tests. There was even a questionaire for me that was 500 questions long. THEN we got the diagnosis. He has been on Strattera since the beginning of the summer and is on in 2nd grade. My husband and I cannot believe the difference in his reading this year. It has been a Godsend for us. He is doing SO much better, and I only wish we had had him tested sooner. He is also not as frustrated with himself and actually raises his hand to offer to read out loud in class now. Good luck with your situation. Another thing to think about is that your husband's ex is with the son much more, doing daily homework & probably talking with the teacher more often about his progress. One thing that our doc told us was that in order for the testing for ADD to even be performed, there must be two places (home and school for us) where the ADD symptoms have been recognized before they will even do the testing. So more than likely, the ex and the son's teacher have discussed this, as well.

It sounds like she does not have to consult with him first, BUT read the custody papers. It will say in black in white who has to consult with who and for what. And if she in violation, hold her in contempt

Your husband should take him to a specialist and get him evaluated himself. He should also schedule a parent teacher conference with the child's teacher and get his/her input as well. If that expert disagrees with the diagnosis, then he should contact his lawyer to change the custody arrangement. Does the child's mother have any help? Maybe she just can't handle a little boy? He can demand that any important decisions include him - she would have to give him the times/dates of any appointments and he has the right to attend appointments with her and the child. While I totally believe that ADD and ADHD are very real - there are so many children that are being medicated when they could be controlled naturally. A teacher friend of mine had a child on lots of meds last year and the parents regularly packed king-sized candy bars and monster energy drinks in the childs lunch box. You have to wonder if that child wouldn't be better if she had proper nutrition. On the other hand, I know a child that eats the best diet you can imagine and still needs a great deal of medicine. It's real - you just have to find out for yourselves if your stepson has it. Good luck!

Usually the teacher and the school recommend it. They give a note and a paper that has to get filled out by the family doctor to the parent, this paper has some questions that the teacher has to answer and then other questions that the doctor goes over with the parent and child. In most cases if the parent refuses, the child is suspended from school until they get these papers filled out by the doctor and sent back to them. At the doctor's office visit the child gets tested usually by asking the parent and the child some medical and behavioral questions and also considering what the child's teacher and school have to say, then the doctor determines if the child needs to be put on medicine or not. At that point if the parent refuses there can be serious consequences with the school. I personally agree with your husband, but I worked for a doctor for some years and I have also seen the medicine having positive results, some children improved their attitude and started getting better grades. It is hard to find the right medicine, some children don't respond to certain medicines at all and they have to try several until they finally start showing improvement. If the ex-wife has already been through this process with the school, than I would tell your husband to give his consent to try it, it might help his child. But if the ex-wife is just wanting to do it out of her will, without the school having had suggested it, I would have her try other things to help the child out first.

My stepson lives with me and my husband. He was diagnosed with having ADHD a few years ago. If the doctor diagnosed him with ADD and thinks he needs to be medicated then he needs to let his exwife do so. My stepson can tell a difference in himself when he is on and off of his medication. When he is on the medication he does sooooo much better on his school work and stays out of trouble at home. When he isn't taking his medication on the weekend he is constantly getting in trouble because his mind is wondering so much he doesn't listen to a thing that you say. When he was not on his medication he would do horrible on his school work IF he even did any of it. I don't know how many times he would come home with unfinished school work because he couldn't concentrate enough to get it all done. He use to have to sit out at recess every day to finish all of his work. Now that he is on medication we NEVER have this problem. Your husband is not with the child during school hours so he needs to let the doctor and his mother do what they know needs to be done to help his child. They will see such an improvement with his school work. Also if they put him on the correct medication it will not alter him that much. The only side affects I have seen with my stepson is that he doesn't eat as much and he is not as hyper. Good Luck and feel free to email me with any questions.

YES he has rights especially in Texas where there really isnt the kind of custody with the custodial parent having more rights then the other. I know of a dr that I take my ADD daughter to that has helped her a lot because I got tired of the side effects--he is a chiropractor. I dont know the ex and husband relationship--if he can talk to her about alternative methods he should have some readiily available to give to her...if they dont (like me and my ex) he can call the Dr and tell the office that he is not in agreement with the treatment and he doesnt want the son on meds..There is a place in all Texas divorces that medical treatment has to be agreed on by both parents. Noone wants to go through all that can bring up (arguments etc..) that is why I said if they can talk to have alternative methods ready to talk about. If you want the name of the dr let me know

I must admit, I don't know much about the legal side of this, but I just want you to know that I support you (and your husband) with the desire NOT to medicate Josh.
My 7 year-old has ADHD and I will NOT give him medication for it. I homeschool my children and it is a challenge for me, but I feel very strongly about this! Whatever happened to being patient with a kid?
It's a shame that anytime a child shows signs of this condition, they (teachers, doctors, and even parents) immediately want to put them on medication. Maybe in extreme cases, it will help the child... but they are being medicated at the drop of hat and it's just wrong. Stick with your decision and I wish you all the best!

Hi, K.. First of all, congratulations on being able to become a stay-at-home mom...what a blessing!!!
As a former teacher, I am really passionate about the whole ADD/ADHD dilemma that we are all so wrapped up in lately. I do believe that this is a real disorder, however, I also believe very strongly that it is way, way, way overdiagnosed. I really believe that the great majority of these poor children who are diagnosed could (1) Not have the disorder at all, but just need a different routine, need their parents and educators to be more creative in their relationship with them (including discipline), and/or need a new diet (which in many, many cases is the primary reason for the child's "disorder" or (2) actually have the disorder, however, may not need to be medicated, but rather just have different dietary needs and structural needs. Either way, I think it is really important for your husband, and you too, of course as the supportive step-mom (I'm one of those, too, so I really respect the fact that you are so supportive and concerned about your stepson), to research, research, research. Try as hard as you can to be open-minded to every aspect of your son's situation. Meet with your son's teacher(s) and doctor(s) and then share and discuss all your findings with your son's mother. Although your husband may not be able to keep his ex from medicating his son, he does have every right to be a part of his educational and medical needs. I know first hand that communication in a divorce situation can be very difficult, but I also believe that when approached the right way, you can all come to agree on what is best for your son. Although you may not agree on a lot of things, that is the one thing you all obviously have in common...the best interest of your son. Good luck, and you are an awesome mom!

Hi, K.!
I just have a minute but REALLY wanted to respond to your post...do some research into the ABSOLUTELY mind-blowing effectiveness of Omega-3 fish oils in relation to ADD & ADHD. I use natural medicine with my 7 yr old daughter and we don't have ANY probs with behavior and she is healthy as an OX! I also believe that the ADD/ADHD diagnosis is WAY OVERUSED and we have EPIDEMIC numbers of medicated children in America. Hold fast to what you know to be best for your children and CONGRATS ON BEING ABLE TO STAY HOME with them!!!

Be Well~
B.

Hi K.!! Wow - sounds like my life 11 yrs ago. My husband's ex was sole custodian, she made all the decisions, they had shared custody, meaning we had him 1/2 the time. WE totally agreed (at the time) with what your husband is saying now. She couldn't take the time to make him mind and spend time with him, so it was easier to say he had ADD so that she wasn't the bad guy and could give him medicine. Unless it states in the papers that your husband has some say, he would have to take her to court to get them to listen to him (most likely - i'm not a lawyer, but having been there)...We never gave him the medicine, she gave him the "first dose" and never did again after that, so it became a "non issue". If you disagree that strongly, I would talk with his teachers. I would also go to a lawyer. By the way, have you seen the tests they give them? Both my husband and I took the test and well, just about any little kid (especially a boy) is going to be found to have ADD...it's a little ridiculous.

I wish you the best of luck...and hope for the sake of your stepson, that the mom comes around or you can do something!

God Bless you and your family!
T.

Hi K.,

I have a 9 year old step son who is on all sorts of ADD/ADHD types of medicines. He does not live in the same state as his father and myself so when we get him during school breaks we do not give him the medicine. My husband (his dad) feels the exact same way about the medicine as your husband does. So he refuses to give it to him. Now I have heard it is not a good idea to do this but I am not going to argue with his dad about it. I am leaving that up to him and his ex wife to battle that out. I can tell you that my step son is a TOTALLY different kid when he comes to stay with us. He has aboslutely NO problem behaving for us and we truly enjoy our time with him. When he goes home it's a totally different story though. His mother immediately puts him back on all the medicine and the behavior problems come right back.

I guess my point in "venting" all of this is that maybe if you can't legally do anything about it maybe when you have him at your house you can just not give him the medicine. This may become a situation where you and your husband are only in control of the little boy when you have him with you. Whatever happens when he goes back to his mom's is her choice. I've had a step son for 3 years now and I can tell you at times it is not an easy road to go down. You have to sort of learn to bite your tongue on some things.

Good Luck to you!

I am on the opposite side of this. My sons father didnt want him on medication. We just went through all this in the past few months. If she is sole caregiver he does not have rights to say yes or no. If he does not give him the medication CPS can get involved. Now If you can afford I would go back to court and get him more rights. My ex just did that to me but now he agrees that my son needs medication.

Medication is not for parents who cant control their kids. My son has ADHD and he was so active he would injure himself from running into things and falling. The school was having problems too. There are some kids who do not need the meds and usually those kids do not act out at school. The best opionion you can get on whether he has ADD is from the teacher. If its just ADD medication does not mellow out the kid. It helps them pay attention. The medications are not mind altering. My son takes Straterra which is a non stimulant.

K.,

It sounds like a very sticky situation. I can't tell you much about divorce and your husbands rights, but I can tell you that ADD is real. My son has been dianosed. However, we also choose not to use medication. The side effects are far worse than the ADD. I just want to take a moment to tell you that ADD is commonly misdiagnosed, but it is a real condition. Your step-son may not have it but if he does than he does need some treatment. I do not see this as excuse to act out. My son is still expected to do as he is told, but it is a real problem no child should have to go through alone.

I have found that counseling or therapy have worked the best for us. Our goal is to provide the resources to help him find things that help him overcome the problems associated with ADD. If it affecting his performance in school than they may be resources through your school. If not, check with his insurance to see what they cover. Unfortunately, a lot of companies do not cover counsiling or therapuetic treatment of this nature.

The thing with my son has been to let him know that everyone has roadblocks in life to over come. This is his. Also, a little FYI, there is ADD and ADHD and they are two different things. Many sites on the internet will explain the difference.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that their self confidence can suffer. There is nothing sadder than the broken spirit of a child.

I hope that everything works out with your step-son.