Okay, so I have been a mother for one year already and I am still having trouble finding other mothers to socialize with. I have done research on mother's groups and there aren't any in my immediate area. The closest one is 20 minutes away and when I went there all the mothers talked about was getting their children into challenging elementary schools (mind you the oldest infant there was one), and the various music and dance classes they drive their newborns to. I must be too judgemental but I don't want to talk about the best brand of sippy cups and which extracurricular activities to enroll my daughter in to provide the appropriate motor stimulation so she can one day attend an elite college. I just want to meet mothers who love their children but also do not live vicariously through them. And if they're weird and sarcastic, I'd love that too.
In addition to this problem, I am the only one of my friends who has a baby. I am a SAHM but before I became pregnant I had a very good career. I have since put that on hold because my husband and I are trying to avoid sending my daughter to daycare. His position brings in a bigger income so it makes more sense for him to be the working parent. I am also very attached to my daughter and would hate to leave her (though I am so starved for adult conversation, I've begun to have one sided book discussions with her while she drinks her milk and I enjoy coffee. It is sad, sad, sad).
I feel I can't relate to my friends because they're at a different place in their lives and I can't relate to other SAHM's in my area because I don't embrace "the beauty of motherhood." I'm not trying to be critical of full time mothers. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I commend those mothers who have had more than one child and have taken the time to raise them to be good people. Anyone have any advice? Sorry for the whine fest but I thought I'd ask a group of mothers who can speak the truth. Thank you.
Where do you live? I would like to me other Mom's too. I have a 2 year old. The one class I did with him wasn't too good because all the Mom's clicked together and talked about their own lives. I guess we have to keep searching for a good friend.
I totally hear what your saying. Those women scare me too! The only thing I want for my children is for them to be happy with whatever they are doing. It's not a whine fest, I totally get what your saying!
After reading all the responses, I want to suggest that you all check out www.mothersandmore.org and see if there is a chapter near you. While we do Mom & Tot outings & playgroups, we also do Moms Only stuff.
The group saved my sanity when my oldest was 2. She turns 11 next week & I'm still with them.
D.
Hi J.,
I totally understand how you feel. And I read your profile and I can relate. I first became a mother when I was 26. Now I'm turning 31 and pregnant with my third. I actually had a woman jokingly ask me last week if I started having kids at the age of 12. I'm sure she meant to be (somewhat) complimentary, but it does get annoying. It is hard to make friends when you're a mom. All of my closest friends live about an hour away in NYC. Some have kids and some don't. I have finally started to make some friends where I live - but it took longer than I expected. And I have found that age can be an issue. I'm usually the youngest mom - and I have talked with a friend who feels she usually is the oldest mom. And we both feel judged and shut out in our respective mom-communities.
I think a lot of times moms only talk about their kids because they worry that that's all they have in common. Or maybe it's because they've forgotten a little bit of who they are outside of motherhood. Or it could be they just need to hear other parents' advice on certain topics. I've found that it helps if I try to steer the conversation to normal, everyday topics so that other moms (sometimes) follow my lead.
My first bit of advice is to explore your other passions. Find a book group - and it doesn't matter if it's a "mom's book group". I decided last year that I was finally going to take horseback riding lessons. I didn't really make any new friends from it - like I was silently hoping. But I did get an opportunity to do something for me that was challenging and outside the scope of motherhood.
Next, and I've tried to get better about this, is to talk to every mother you meet. If you see a mother and child in the grocery store, try to strike up a conversation. I consider myself an extroverted introvert - so this can be difficult for me - but at least you're reaching out and having a little bit of adult conversation. Keep going out - the park, shopping, walks. The more you're out of the house, the better...says the homebody =)
I have met some moms along the way that are nice enough, but I've decided not to pursue a real friendship. Keep reaching out though and keep up your sense of humor about it all. I joke with my husband about this all the time - and he can relate too, b/c it's just as hard for him to meet friends in our area.
Feel free to email me to chat more. I don't think we're too far away.
Does your local library have classes for kids? If so, sign up and go - you'll meet people that way. Also, see if your town has "tot" classes. They are usually cheaper than privately run facilities. Or, if you have some cash to spend - sign up for a Gymboree or some other class. And try to get to know some of the moms your age.
I think that it's so important to have mommy friends who have kids your daughter's age - you are all in the same boat - no matter how old you are. It's hard not to talk about your kids at first (it's a common interest) but soon you'll be going out on girls nights or to movies - and you'll have other stuff to talk about.
Also, consider doing something just for YOU! Join a local book club! Or take an adult continuing ed class (something either easy like pottery or maybe a class on finance or something). That way, you can have some of the adult stimulating conversation that you are craving! Good luck!
Mommy & me classes are usually the best place to socialize with moms while having something special for the little one. The Waldorf school had one awhile back... in Chestnut Ridge.. There are also classes by Fairy Una that may be fun for a little girl... at Peace through Play.. If all else fails at somepoint you may want to check out an at home caregiver and work part time just to give you both somewhere to go, especially giving you some time to feel important as an adult. I think ChildCare Resources of Rockland has a great referral network. In addition, your area has a great children's section at the library....
Those kind of moms drive me crazy!!!!!!!!
Your personality is a lot like that of mine and my friends. We all primarily live in and around the Wayne area, and are always looking for someone new to laugh/commiserate/make fun of those "other" moms with.
-Jen
I too know how you feel... my youngest is 5 and I had to basically start all over when she came around. I have two boys in high school 15 & 14. We moved around a lot and didnt get to make friends. So when we finally settled down it was great.
I signed up my daughter for music class, art class, gymnastics, and other mommy and me classes just so I can meet other people. I even joined a few moms clubs... But it kinda back fired... most of the ladies chatted with you while you were there but once the event was over, I never heard from them outside of class.
Then there was the whole 'click' thing... the same people would hang out and you felt left out. Or the moms we so much older, nothing against that, but when your in your 20s 30s and everyone else is well into their 40s it gets a little overwhelming, you sometimes feel like the little kid. Or like you started to early.
But you really need to put yourself out there. Eventually you will find someone that you connect with and someone your daughter will connect with. I took me 3 moms groups, tons of various classes before I found a single person that I could relate to... and shes in her 40's lol
