A few years ago, after my husband and I moved into our house, both sides of the family nonchalantly stated that because we were the only children to have a house and we were the younger generation we were expected to start hosting Thanksgiving. The first year we were in our house we had just moved in and were still getting settled so other family hosted. The next year I was pregnant and experiencing morning sickness and was not physically able to host Thanksgiving - I missed it completely that year. Last year the family couldn't decide what to do so my husband and younger daughter went with his side and I took our older daughter with me to my side. This year I decided that I would host Thanksgiving. This will be my first and I know my side of the family will come with bells on and help out as much as possible. The problem exists with my husband's side of the family. His mom and her current boyfriend is at odds with his sister. If I invite one the other won't come. Do I invite both of them and whoever decides first gets that chance? I really don't want to invite both and have them both show up only to be at war the entire day. Do I ask if they have any plans already and decide from there? I'm nervous about the outcome in general. I want this to be a good Thanksgiving since this will be my first but don't want anyone to feel left out. If they make the decision not to come that is completely up to them.
Invite everyone and let them duke it out amongst themselves. And try not to divulge who is coming to the other faction. Let them put on their big girl pants and tolerate each other for a holiday OR stay home. Either O. works.
"The problem exists with my husband's side of the family. His mom and her current boyfriend is at odds with his sister. If I invite one the other won't come."
I think you know squarely where the real problem sits: with them. If it were me, I'd invite them both and let it be their issue to work out. If they complain to you or try to make it your problem, you can just say "oh, well, we didn't think it right not to invite everyone. I'm sorry you feel you can't come. Let me know if you change your mind."
You also asked: "Do I ask if they have any plans already and decide from there?" I personally wouldn't go this route, as it could be interpreted as manipulative and backfire on you. Then, you get the blame for the conflict instead of it sitting squarely on them.
Look at it this way: If you don't invite the mother-in-law and boyfriend, they will be offended; ditto if you don't invite your sister-in-law. This is their bad blood to work out, and inviting one or the other will give the impression that you are taking sides. Worst case scenario, your husband has to take them aside and tell them to chill out or go home.
The other option is to ask your husband what he wants to do in regard to his own family, and let him be the author of that. Which, in this case, let him be the contact person, do the phone calls and initiate invitations for his family.
Chances are, if you have enough people, the folks that get along (sounds like your family is great and supportive) will keep themselves busy outside the drama and let whatever happens, happen. I come from a very difficult family and have realized that over time that everyone remembers a gracious hostess: No one will fault *you* if there ends up being a scene-- the blame and attention for *that* will lie squarely on the shoulders of those causing the problems. Good luck!
you know what - holidays are for family. i would invite ALL of them. let them know you invited ALL of them and hopefully they can act like adults for thanksgiving. if one of them decides not to come ..... it's not really your fault.
I would say invite them both and have your husband speak with his sister and mother about the good behavior that will be expected from both of them that day. Just tell them that Thanksgiving is all about family and gratitude and it would be poor manners for them to bicker and cause the rest of the family not to enjoy their celebration that day. Hopefully they can set aside their hostility just for one day.
I would invite them both, let them know you are inviting everyone and don't make a big deal out of it. Hopefully they are adult enough to know to leave their issues out of your house especially around the holidays.
If one of them says they are not coming because the other is then I would just let them know that is their choice but you are still inviting them both.
Family, so much fun.. LOL
I would invite both (you can let them know the other is also invited). If they come they must behave but both are welcome. They are adults and if they can't act like it for one day, they should stay away.
Yes, invite them both and let whatever happens happen. It's not your problem that they don't get along and you don't want to appear to take anyone's side.
I would invite everyone and let them know that everyone was invited and that everyone is expected be on their best behavior. Put it like this to them, this is the time to celebrate with family and that you would love to have everyone together but you will not tolerate any drama on that day in your house. There is a time and place for stuff like that and that day and at your place is not it. Good luck and don't stress over it. If they want to join then great if not, it's their loss. Life is too short for this stuff.
we have a big family there is always some kind of "war" going on! we always invite all parties, if everyone shows up then they are expected to behave or take it outside/elsewhere, i would generally think that adults would not need to be told this, but some do & i would not feel bad about telling them so, especially since it is your home
Have the feast twice. Go out and celebrate with the sister and have the in laws over for the feast. Maybe the sister will understand and she can have a little feast at her house with your family over. Many families do several separatly. I don't see why we should make it an issue if it can be avoided.
Invite them both and simply tell them you understand they are at odds with each other, but please lets keep it neutral so that all can have fun and enjoy the holiday, and it would make you so happy if they can both come and have a peaceful time. If one doesn't come, it's their choice, but don't feel guilty by not inviting one or the other.
If they both come and cause problems, your husband can gently take them to the side and remind them that they need to calm down and put aside their differences for the evening out of respect for other guests, your home and the spirit of the holiday.
First of all, don't EVER succomb to family pressure by splitting up your nuclear family on Thanksgiving (or any holiday) EVER again. Your family and your husband's family need to know (and should know, hello?) that the 4 of you are a family and that you will not split up on holidays! The 4 of you stay together and go to the same place - whomever doesn't like that can go suck themselves (sorry, it made me mad to read that your husband took your younger child one place, and you took your older child another place - that is so wrong). Next - you said your husband's mother's boyfriend is at odds with his sister - whose sister? Your husband's mother's boyfriend's sister, or your husband's sister? If it is your husband's mother's boyfriend's sister, then forget her - she can spend Thanksgiving with her own family or other family members. If it is your husband's sister -that would depend - is she married? If so, she can spend Thanksgiving with her inlaws.
