Terrible Twos??? - Mokena,IL

You too!! I joke my daughter is 2 going on 15! SHe is incredibly independant and EXTREMELY emotional right now. I find most of this stems because she doesn't know how to properly communicate. When she starts crying I noticed she is frustrated cause she can do the .... herself. One battle was at night with pjs. She wanted to put them on by herself. We had to teach her how which was an excerise in patience in itself. But we got some great zip up footed pjs and that ended that struggle. For teeth brushing there is two brushes, where she gets a couple of mins before hand to brush and then mommy's brush that goes "and cleans any left over toothpaste."

When it is time to go somewhere, we give her an advance notice like, OK in just a moment we are leaving. Please start saying bye bye to...... (tv, doll, etc) and lets go put on our shoes. She likes to put her shoes on herself so we got the velcro can and that has elimanted another battle.

I hope these tips help. I figure I am going to have to fight enough with her when she is a teenager, I'll pick my battles now.

Oh btw, one time my husband did raise his voice to her and she broke down crying and said daddy is mad at me. We had to reassure her we were not mad at her. So maybe that is what she thinks which could lead to more emotional distress because now she has realized she had displeased mommy. Just a guess though.

PS.

I do the same thing Karen does in her 1st point.

2 moms found this helpful

My 22 month old son started being a "2 year old" a couple months ago. Here is what we have found helps... (though, of course, it's still a struggle!)
1. Give him as much power as you can when it's reasonable. Limited choices, like he can pick out what shirt he wants, but we give him 3 to choose from. (I think too many choices can be paralyzing for anyone - especially a young child). Does he want to brush his own teeth or does he want me to do it for him? Does he want an apple or a banana? Does he want to take a bath tonight? (as long as he's had one in the last day or 2 and wasn't playing in the dirt, I'm willing to let that one go - it's not worth the argument). Etc. etc. One struggle we frequently end up with is whether he should wear a coat/hat/mittens (hopefully not an issue soon!) My take on it is that we'll go outside and I'll bring them, and he can decide when he wants to put them on (usually its within 3 minutes of getting out the door if he actually needs it). I feel like it's my job as a parent to make sure he has a coat, and to ask if he wants it, but it's up to him to decide that he's cold.

2. With time outs, there are several different philosophies on this one, but my belief is that a time out is not to punish, but to allow your child some time and space to "get it together" again. So for us, a time out is going to your room and having the gate up. I don't care what he does in his room for the 1-2 minutes he's in there - he can play with toys as far as I'm concerned - as long as he behaves when I let him out again. My son knows that some behavior (like throwing things at the cats) gets an automatic time out, and most other "baby" behavior will first get a "do you want a time out? ... then stop acting like this". If he can't shape up after that, he gets a time out.

Anyway, you are NOT alone. Kids this age are just trying to figure out what the boundaries are. You're doing your job as a parent by setting them and letting your daughter know how things are.

2 moms found this helpful

You are doing all of the right things, and yes sounds like full throttle terrible twos. You are the one who is going to notice it most however because this is how Toddlers show parents they trust them. Kids learn early on that mom is going to be there to love them no matter what, and it's your limits they are going to test because of this realization. The only advice I can give is make sure you're consistant with your reasponses to each behavior. Switching it up to try different tactics can be confusing to them and they will continue to test you to see if they can get a different response. Good luck, and I feel for you. My son is only 1 1/2 and is already hitting the same phase. If we can go 2 hrs without him throwing himself to the floor and whining like a gorrilla it means he's sleeping, or Im checking for a feaver...LOL.

1 mom found this helpful

J.,
I have two boys ages 21/2 and 5 years old. They both have tempers and test me all the time. They are stubborn and many times, I want to pull my hair out and give MYSELF a time out in my room with the door shut! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Some kids are just more challenging. At least that is what I tell myself. Maybe it will make them great leaders in the future. I would continue with the time outs. We watch the Supernanny and I have her book which is an easy read and reference. We just recently made up a sign with house rules on it. With the timeouts, you have to continue. If she comes out...put her back in over and over again and do not give her any verbal attention or eye contact. Hang in there! MY 5 year old is in preschool and has never been in trouble there. I even spoke with my pediatrician regarding the aggression issues and he said that if he is only doing it at home and does ok at school then it is normal. They know when to turn it on and off and obviously can control it when they want to. Hang in there! Ultimately, you have to make sure she knows that you are the boss, not her.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, does this sound familiar!!! Actually 3 is the new 2, so look out! My daughter is almost 3 and we go through the same thing and have been for months. My best advise is to give her choices whenever possible. Does she want this treat or that treat, does she want to play dolls or dress up, etc. This makes her feel like she is in control. This really does help alleviate alot of the tantrums. Don't give her open-ended questions as it gives too much to choose from. Leave it to two or three options and if she gets to choose, it makes her feel better. The reason why she does this with you is that she is more comfortable with you than anyone else. My daughter is an angel all day at daycare and then comes home to me and falls apart. Take it as a compliment that she feel so comfortable with you that she can let go. She does it because she loves you.
However, don't let her get away with the hitting and biting. She should still get an immediate time out for that. If she won't sit, keep putting her back and starting over the time. You have to show her that it is wrong and to use her words instead.
I would love to chat since our kids are very close in age. Please feel free to e-mail me anytime! ____@____.com.

Whoa there, did you say you just bought a condo? Does this mean you have recently moved? That on top of the terrible twos could easily be your answer. What you described is pretty extreme, but I remember one of my daughters going ballistic when we moved, every time we went back to the old place to pick stuff up. She was not talking yet so could not articulate what the problem was, she'd just start crying and could not stop, at the sight of the old place but with nothing in the rooms. Moving is stressful even for adults, but even more so for kids, who don't understand why everything is suddenly different. Just stay calm and loving and I'm with Alice T on the issue of picking your battles - most things just don't matter. I have five girls and raised two steps. When I started I used to match the rubber bands in their hair with their clothes, but now, 20 years later, it's more like: are you covered? not turning blue? Great, go ahead! Seriously. Your daughter's outbursts are not about anything particular, that's just the outward symptom. She needs to find some peace and everything you do should be geared toward helping her find it.

J.,
I only have a few suggestions, pray for love and patience. I have a 3 and a 5 year old and it can get very trying. But my three year old boy had similar issues, he's in school now and that helps. My daughter had her bouts of tantrums, but they did not last that long. I hugged them alot and let them know I love them very much. I try to read stories to them and watch educational programming. Classical music is also very helpful, I don't know if she has any allergies, but you can try Johnson & Johnson's Lavender and Chamomile for bedtime. It worked for me! Just hang in there and try to take her to the park when you can, especially since the days are getting warmer. I know it's a commonly used cliche, but pray and envision her reaching the next developmental milestone and it will happen.

Best Wishes,
D.

Hi J....you got some great advice and it's probably a combo of many of the suggestions what will work...I have one other thing to say though - hold on to your hat when three comes around :-) Ha Ha

Congrats on the condo.

N.

I have just over 2 year old twin boys and your daughter sounds like a typical 2 year old to me, at least from what I experience at home. This age is all about them exerting independence and having control over things.

My advice is pick your battles and give her options. I will usually (if possible) give my sons two options so that way they are picking out what they want to eat, what they want to wear, what cup they want to use, what book they want to look at while I change their diaper, etc. It makes them feel like they have some control. It doesn't work every time, but it does work a lot of the time.

As far as her acting up with you vs. at daycare, my boys are in daycare 4 days a week. Most reports I get from daycare are glowing (with an occasional fight over a toy, usually with each other since they have spent all of their 2 years sharing just about everything). I have read that often toddlers will save their "worst" behavior for their parents, the reason being is that you are the one that they feel most comfortable with and therefore they can let it all out. Comforting in some ways, but in other ways it's like "lucky us!"

Also, make sure timeouts are not more than one minute per year of age. At first my son (the one that gets more frequent timeouts) would not sit either so I would hold him on my lap and not talk and just sit there for two minutes. Then before I would let him go I would tell him why he had the timeout and that I want him to be a good boy okay? And he usually responds "okay." Some days we have lots of timeouts, other days we have none. He does now sit without me holding him. I make sure he does not get any attention during that time.

Also, I have taken to making sure I tell my boys 2 or 3 times before we stop an activity or get ready to leave somewhere that we are going. I will say "in a few minutes we are going to go eat lunch", then I will say "let's clean up our toys, it's time for lunch" and then "do you want peaches or pears with your lunch today?" to get them moving on to the next thing we need to do.

Between giving my kids notice and giving them choices, it makes them feel like they know what is happening and they have some control. It goes a long way to helping minimize tantrums. Notice I say minimize not eliminate! :-)

Good luck!

I'd try giving her a choice of two things, whenever possible. That way, you have a little control and so does she.

Offer her two pairs of pants in the morning, say, "Here you go. Which ones?" Let her pick. If you toe the line, and are firm if she says, "I don't want those!" You simply say, "This is it. Which one?"

We did this with my son from 18 months on (in some case earlier, like with a fruit choice for dinner, or which flavor pudding). We gave him a choice of two for snacks, for shirts, for which color paint to paint with... He rarely had an issue... unless he was exhausted!

You could try a "token" economy with her for the things that it isn't possible to make a choice with. Make that "payout" immediate for her initially, so she gets the idea. I do what you ask, and I get something I really, really like (could be as simple as a bouncy ball that costs less than .25 cents or less). When she seems to understand that she's earning something for good behavior, then you up the price. Then you could start giving her stickers for complying with your requests... and she only gets the prize when she gets three stickers... then five stickers... then 10 stickers...

We did this with our son, and he know works for good behavior (no time-outs) for an entire day to earn a sticker. When he gets ten stickers he gets a trip to the dollar store where he is given $2 to buy two balloons. He has learned that he can buy something else there, but then he has to give up one (or more) of his balloons. He's almost four, but he understands the value of a dollar, more or less. He saw a new car that he liked and we said that would be something fun to buy. He responded with, "Wow, that's gotta be a LOT of ballons!"

Good luck!

J.:

I also have a very volitile little girl. When she started acting out more frequently, I tried to determine if there was a pattern or an event that consistantly caused extra drama. Once I started to identify those patterns and events, I started to implement more opportunites for her to be independent. Examples -- she gets to choose her clothing based on the 2 or 3 choices that I get out for her. She gets to choose between a dress/skirt or comfy pants. Once she started to see that she had control over this decision, I didn't have to fight with her to get dressed every morning. As we work on potty training, she also get a choice in whether she would like to wear pull up or a diaper --- she is able to undress herself so the diaper is not an issue when it is potty time -- just when it's time to get dressed.

We also use time-outs. At our house, it is understood that she is to sit in the designated spot until the timer goes off. She typically stays put for us but the sitter has had issues with her staying in time out. For this reason, she will place her in a high chair and buckle her in so she is not able to leave until she settles down and her time out is complete.

Keep up the good work and keep asking for help.

Okay J., you must have my son's twin sister. I am experiencing many of the same things. He turned two in January. Discipline is just none existent because nothing works. What I try to do is give him a choice between two options when possible to give him a sense of control. I have heard the new term for this type of child as "the spirited child" or "strong-willed". They just want to do what they want to do. My situation is further complicated because his speech is not very developed yet. So he gets frustrated because he cannot effectively communicate what he wants. So by the time you figure out what he wants, he's already on 10. So I just try to accomodate him as much as possible to keep the peace or redirect his energy into something I wouldn't mind him doing. I just figure as he gets older and learns how to communicate his needs and wants it won't be so bad. And just like you said he acts perfectly fine when I'm not around. Which, as much as I've thought about it, I still don't understand it. I think it's about attention, but I give him a lot of attention. So, I'm still working on the answer to that one. Recently, we went to a rollerskating birthday party and he loved it, he didn't want to get off the skating floor. I was surprised, so we thought that sometime we could take him skating sometime. So I would just say concentrate on things she likes to do, and as long as she's being safe not to be too structured in everyday things. Hope this helped, at least you know you're not alone. If you find something that works let me know.

Time to see your doctor. It maybe more than an behavior issue you are dealing with.

Hi J., My heart goes out to you. I delt with most of those issues too with my daughter. I do know that at two children are starting to realize that they have feelings and emotion. Witch made it a little easier for me to calm myself. I know it was a VERY HARD for me because I am natually a loud spoken person anyway. I tried letting her pick out the snack she wanted, what shoes she wanted, if they looked silly then we changed shirts or pants, sometimes that was an easier battle, if she did not want to take a bath then I didn't give her one. My daughter is 3 1\2 now and we still have battles but no where near what we did . I just learned to keep telling myself "pick your battles" Sometimes the battle is not as big of a deal as I think it is. Good Luck

I wish I had a wonderful answer. My son is 3 and we have the same problem. He is very funny and sweet but his melt downs are out of control! They've gotten worse the older he gets because he knows more. I've asked a lot of parents for suggestions. And what we do now is if he is outta control he gets a time out in his room and stays in there until he calms down. Although sometimes he throws toys at the wall and screams and cries for upto 45mins. I just try to ignore so he knows I'm not giving this behavior any attention. It's calmed down a little because I took some of his toys away that he was throwing and I only give them back when he controls his next meltdown. But it's exhausting! I've tried a lot of different things like changing the subject or diverting his attention and I think it escalated the situation because then he thinks he got what he wants by acting that way. I don't know Good Luck! Hope that helped!

Well, from experience, she already knows she has you beat. She knows you will react and so she keeps going. At daycare, she probably does not get the reaction so she is well-behaved. It serves her no purpose. My suggestion would be to ignore her. Give her her shoes, walk away, let her follow, but do not reaxt to her. Yelling won't do anything and she will just yell back and think that that is acceptable. As far as time out - just keep putting her back, get a timer she can see.n set it and each time she gets up, reset it. Remind her when she sits for the time, she may come see you. With my youngest, I told her I would talk with her when she didn't yell and cry and I would walk away. Told her behavior not acceptable and I loved her but didn't like what she was doing and then walked away. We don't have those moments too often now. It is also an attention-getter for her and she knows even though it is bad attention, she can get you. You need to start setting the boundaries, explain what is going to happen, like how bath will go, and if she fusses, time out or take away a toy or favorite thing till the behavior changes. She feels she is in charge now and you have to show her that is not the case. Kids thrive on structure and discipline. Also, sometimes a sticker chart for good behavior or rather things she does without the fuss is good too. Shows them accomplishment and all kids love stickers.
A little about me; I am a stay-at-home mom of two (14 and 5) and I homeschool and I go to school as well(at home). My husband says I run a tight ship, but my kids are happy, healthy and we have a great time. God Bless! She will love you for the discipline.

I am going through a similar situation with my 2 year old son. He is very tempermental and displays several of the same behaviors that your daughter does. Like your daughter, he is very well behaved in childcare and anywhere else for that matter. He treats everyone "better" than he treats his own mother. This is not because he do not like me or love me, it's because mothers have a tendency to let their babies get away with more and are more patient than others. Because of this, they think we are push overs and tend to give us a harder time.

I have found that giving my son a brief time out works best, and I sit with him. I don't leave him or ignore him. I sit with him during his 15-20 second time out and when he is yelling, I call his name and I tell him to use his words to tell me what is bothering him. This helps him understand that he should try to verbalize what is bothering him instead of just crying and throwing a tantrum. I also make him say sorry - his version of it- and then I let him get up and I give him a BIG hug and wipe his tears. I then try to play with him for a few minutes.

There are a few times where I have tapped his hands or even his legs to make him understand that he did something wrong. This usually happens if he hits me or trys to touch the stove or electrical outlet.

Just be patient with your daughter and try various methods to get her to listen and remain calm. I have found that yelling doesn't help, but a combination of time outs, light taps on the hand/leg, and a firm voice are working.

Hang in there.

K. H.

Hi, J.. After reading this and the responses, and then your thank you to all the other responders, I felt I just had to write as well. My heart goes out to you. I want you to know, though, that just like your daughter isn't the only one that acts like that (possessed!!), YOU are not the only one going it alone. I'm currently raising my two granddaughters, ages 4 yr 4 months and 2 yr 2 months, by myself. So, in addition to having a "possessed" 2 year old in my home (along with her very emotional big sister), I'm having to figure alot of things out on my own as well.

If you ever want to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going thru, send me a note.

Aren't they fun? I'm a single mom, too. My son is the same age and has entered "by myself!" phase. He's generally pretty cooperative when I let him feel that he is in control. I choose two shirts (pants, pair of shoes, etc) and let him have his choice. I know he's dressed for the weather and he gets to pick things out on his very own :-) I let him chose which toothpaste he wants when it is time to brush his teeth. For some reason he seems to favor my adult toothpaste over his Dora kind, but so long as he's brushing... For bathtime I ask him if he wants bubbles or Crayola colored water. He loves the sense of control and I love that we're getting things accomplished without a battle of the wills! Hope that this helps!

Don't worry, you and she are normal! My youngest, 3 1/2 still likes to test me and show me her strength. I notice it being later with her than with the boys. I also notice that she is more strong willed. I don't think that she dislikes you at all. I think she is more comfortable with you and is seeing how far she can go with her wants...ie..testing your limits. She wants to be you, that is what I see most with my daughter. She wants to make decisions too now that she nows she can. She wants you to do what she wants to do and to direct you too.

My best advice is to let her pick out her clothes, doesnt matter if it matchs or not. Offer little rewards for brushing her teeth or brush yours at the same time so she can be like mommy. Mine loves to get lipgloss when she is done brushing. She also likes to pretend to put on makeup while I am. All of her helping me makes her a little more cooperative. There are some battles that I just choose not to fight and others I tell her how it is and just walk away. Yes she may throw a fit, but she will learn and get over it! You walking away is the most impacting punishment at this stage, cuz its really all about her wanting you!

Good Luck and Hope this helped!

My daughter is 28 months, and yes, this sounds very familiar. She fights over everything, shoes, clothes, whether or not she wants to eat, etc. I find that letting her win some battles (Ok- so the outfit doesn't match)helps some. I also find that sometimes I "suggest" she eat. After she tells me no, 2 minutes later she is sitting down eating. When she gets really bad I put her in the crib for a few minutes. She cries, but when I get her out she usually stops the really bad fighting. I think it is almost like she gets overloaded and needs a quiet break. Good luck.

J., This may sound harsh the first read through.. sounds like she's got your number and has decided to use it to manipulate you. My suggestion, stop trying to please a fickle kid. Make rules & stick to them. If she throws a fit, send her to her room to work it out. Don't play into her meltdown. Give her one of two choices.. do you want an apple or a piece of cheese for a snack? Neither.. no snack. No choice is a choice. At our house, if Jenna doesn't choose, I choose (I count to 3). I tell her when a decision needs to be made, it can be done nicely or ugly. Nicely means she does it. Ugly means momma does it (which she acts like its the end of the world for about 20 seconds). For example, either put your own shoes on or I will put them on. I did this when we first started time outs too..(just about18mth).. sit by yourself like a big girl or I'll hold you in that place without toys or blankie for 2mins) consistancy is the key I've found. It's tough in the beginning, but so much better in the long run. Jenna still tests me from time to time, but the struggles dont last longer than a few mins). Also I say to her, I don't hear you when you yell & can't understand you when you are crying/screaming. Use your big girl words and I will be glad to listen/help. I sometimes run down a list if I feel she needs help identifying what she feeling/needing. Are you scared? mad? sad? hungry? tired? frustrated? hurt? do you just need a cuddle or kiss? Do you want some help? Do you need some quiet time?
Just remember you teach people how to treat you. Kids are no different. As you've stated your daughter has NO problem living wonderfully within the limits she's given at school. Kids are brilliant she's no exception, so stop underestimating her.
God Bless, B.

J.,

I believe you are having a power struggle, she wants to be boss! You have to make her mind, don't give her a choice of what to wear, she isn't old enough any way. Your the adult, you decide, not her. Tell her she has no choice of who, what, when and where. Children need and want boundaries, it makes them more secure in who they are and what you (as the parent) are there for. It will make your life a lot more easier, your job now is to be mommy (the boss), there is plenty of time when they are older to be there "friend." If you don't get a firm grip on the situation now, you will really hate it when they are bigger, just think of it, the terrible 4,5,6,7,8's......where does it end?

My ~21 month daughter is a lot like that! It is most definitley draining to say the least. I noticed her behavior was MUCH worse with all the Easter candy in the house. (So I took it away and she improved-I guess diet does make a difference) I'm sure one of the reasons she has outbursts with you is because she trusts you. All her frustrations that build up need to be released somehow and she knows you will still love her and be there for her. So, keep reminding her that you are there for her when she is ready to calm down. Plus, try giving her two options for some things. "Do you want the purple pants or the khaki ones?" Letting her choose between two choices you approve of will still give her her independence. She is becoming her own little person and knows she can have control of things. So be consistent and give her some choices. Like let her pick out a special bubble bath or little lufah/sponge for her bath, or tell her she can pick out TWO books if she is a good girl and brushes her teeth. These are just some suggestions and ideas that have worked for us! Good luck and hang in there!