Temper Tantrums - Ruther Glen,VA

My son is slightly older (2 now), but one thing I've found that works really well with him is when he starts throwing a screaming fit over whatever I'll say "Oh, that sounds like you're pretty tired. Do you need a nap?" That almost always makes him settle down fast. And its logical, because I am teaching him that loss of control indicates tiredness, which is generally true to a certain extent.
Another thing we do is he had this really high-pitched scream he'd do when we told him "no" on something, and we instituted the rule that every time he did the scream, one of his favorite toys went into time out for the rest of the day. That seems really harsh, but it totally worked for us!
Good luck!

Firstly, if he's getting into things which can harm him, then make them unavailable. Just eliminate the issue/temptation. Secondly, any response whether positive or negative is a response, which is what he's after. Remove what he can not have and then say "I'm sorry you're so upset etc., etc., etc." and then just let him work his way through it. He will :-) My daughter, now 27 months old, will still sometimes pitch a fit, but if I let her "go through it" she comes out on the other side a much happier, plesant toddler.

I have a son the same age and he does the exact same thing! It is very normal. I think we just have children that know what they want! You are doing (in my opinion) what is right. Just keep telling him "no" and remove him from the situation and put him with his toys--eventually he will get it. You might want to put some things in a drawer or cabinet that he can play with. My son loves to take out the pots and pans! I also let him play with spatulas and spoons and things like that. Just like anything else he will get bored with it and move on to something else. I don't think anything will lessen the tantrum other than ignoring it--as hard as it may be! Good luck!

29 yr old, have 1 child who is almost 1 yr old

Hi K.. I can understand that this can get to be overwhelming at times. What I have done in the past was to get down to the level of the child, ask him or her if there was something specific they wanted, reaffirm that they cannot go there and show them something else they would like instead. I have found that children today are very curious and just want to see what is there. I now have a 4 year old granddaughter who loves to see everything. This skill has worked out well for us. She now askes us if she can see the item (with adult supervision). Often times, it stops there and she goes on to do something else. Good luck.

C.

Hey K.,
your son is at the age for tantrums to begin, so this is certainly normal! The best way I found for my little ones is to not just take them away but put them in the pack 'n play (or other place where they can't get out). The rule of thumb is one minute for each year of life, so what my pediatrician said is to (in your example) take him away from the drawer (saying "no") and then put him in the "time out" spot (or whatever you'll eventually call it). Then, after one minute, you can get him out. If he throws a tantrum you pick him up and put him in the spot for a minute too, so that he learns that behavior is inappropriate. It's exhausting, but eventually they get it. The key for me was to have the "spot" away from the "action" of people (my 4-year-old gets a stair on the staircase) and clearly nothing fun in with them. My oldest is very strong-willed (and I am not exaggerating this - I've had many comments on her "passion", "will", "energy" etc.) and even at 15 months it took six days of almost hour-long screaming for nap and bed when we decided to take her pacifier away (actually, she got mad and threw it out of the crib two nights in a row when we wouldn't hold her anymore for bedtime so we figured, "Two nights down, about 5 more to go!). It takes about 4-6 days I think for these things to kick in usually (and for them to, say, forget a pacifier). At 2 or 3 years we sometimes after a crazy period of life (like our second child being born) had to help "reteach" our oldest the rules using timeouts for up to 2 weeks before we saw results. I don't say this to scare you, but to help. There is hope, and it is consistency from the very beginning. It's so tiring, but worth every moment. When you let up they learn "oh, that's how hard I have to push to get my way" and it strenthens their resolve. When you keep at it, you are teaching them life lessons that will, truly, affect their thinking, social skills and personal discipline into adulthood. Good luck and get started now! You can do it!

My son has just started the same type of behavior at 11 months! He seems really sad when I tell him no when he's near the dog food or tossing cheese from his high chair. Real tears and all! I've not yet tried the pack n play/timeout method yet because it's started so recently, but I think I will.

K.,

It looks like you already got a lot of responses over the weekend on this, but I only read these at work. I agree with everyone, that temper tantrums are attention seekers and a form of manipulation. If he can wear you down with screaming, you MIGHT just give in to what he wants...so it makes sense to ignore them. I have both 1 and 2 y/o girls. In my house at around 12-13 mos. we started telling each of them that we don't listen to temper tantrums. "If you need to take a break (or a time-out) for your temper tantrum, the corner is right over there..." We remind them that they can come out whenever they can pull it together. I do this anywhere...I have stopped midway through the park, and told my older daughter to have a seat until she can calm down. She was calm in abt 45 sec (it was over seeing Nana who I obviously could not miraculously produce from mid-air for her). We continued on home as pleasant as could be. We are not "quite there" with my 20mo old, but my 30mo old daughter responds now to "Do you need to go somewhere to pull-it together?" Sometimes she puts herself in the corner when she gets mad at Mommy. I would caution you about using his sleeping place as somewhere to go for what he may think is punishment. If you choose to use the crib, be very careful to keep your tone very, very calm and not show any of the frustration you are feeling (since dinner is probably burning on the stove while you have been messing around with this, and no one is immune to "the temper tantrum."

Good luck, and I hope this helps. Having places in each room is certainly easier than going to another room repeatedly when you son is having a bad day (at least is has been for me). When he is a little older, you might wany to consider One,Two, Three Magic (cant figure out how to underline on this thing). It is a book about working with young children, and setting limits that work.

S.

Hi K.,
My name is J. & I am a new mother too. My son Sawyer is 16 months old & does the exact same thing. The only thing I've been able to do is ignore him. When he starts with the head banging I try to place my hand in front of his face so he won't hurt himself but I try to ignore the tantrums. I know it is very hard to do but I think they want the attention you give them when it is happening.
Good Luck

Hi I am having the same problem with my 11 month old. She is throwing some horrible tantrums. My doc told me to sit her in her crib and when she is done crying go give her a big hug and let her out to play. Can't tell you if it works as I just got the advice.

Yes, what you describe is completely normal. At this age, distraction will be your biggest weapon in your discipline pool since your son is not really old enough to understand the concept of a "time out". That does not mean that you shouldn't take him to a safe place and let him cry it out but the goal for removing him at this point should be more his safety. All the advice on cabinet locks is great! It will give you less reasons to say "no" so that he doesn't simply become immune or more strong willed. If the drawer is unsafe, he should not be able to get in it anyway. With my oldest, we lived in an aparment with limited cabinet space so we kept a gate at the kitchen door since the whole area was off limits. This meant I had to either put him in a place he couldn't leave (his crib) when I needed to get something or do something, or wait until he was asleep and wouldn't simply follow me and stand at the gate banging. Kids are natural limit testers so start thinking about the things that are most important for you to limit or everything will become an issue and you'll end up frustrating him with all the "nos" then yourself with all the resistance to your no. Try not to make the limits unreasonable for his level of curiosity and all will go well. If he tantrums anyway, ignorance is bliss. Once you have him in a safe place, go on with what you were doing so he learns that they don't work to get your attention and tell him he can join you when he's done (eventually he'll get the point). Good luck and enjoy the development of your son's independence!

It is distressing when your child acts like that and you are afraid they will hurt themselves. Put him in his crib and walk away. My daughter at 16 months walked through our house screaming at me when she did not get her own way. I put her in her crib and shut the door. After a few minutes I checked on her and when she calmed down I took her out.

My two oldest are very head strong with my oldest also having autism. I believe it comes down to a battle of wills and my will (though some days it does falter and I give in) is always stronger.

I don't negotiate with terrorists and to me anyone under 18 is a terrorist.

Good luck!!

K.,
I would ask a question, have you shown your son what is in the drawer? Try showing him and explaining to him that it is the "hurts" drawer. One of the things that children need to learn is that you are trying to make sure that they are safe. They need to know that you are to be "trusted" so that when you yell. "Stop!" they will.

After you show him why, and what the "hurts" are, then you should do the one minute time out times his age starting the time after the temper tantrum stops.

My youngest had the worst temper tantrums, at about age three my father (Grandpa) stepped in one day, slipped off his shoes and helped him kick his little heals on the floor. I am sure it hurt a bit... :) well that was the end of them!

Good luck. Many Blessings,

Hi K.,

I'm pretty sure this is not helpful but my son, who is 12 1/2 months old, does the same thing. The only thing I have found to be effective in dealing with this is distraction, with a toy or other activity.

Hi I am a grandma and it is normal for have temper tantrums when babies don't get there way, I see grown ups do the same and that IS disturbing. I would advise staying calm and keep him from hurting himself or others by throwing stuff or banging his head on a hard floor, etc. Then calmly talk to him by saying, I know honey, I hate not getting my way too, It feels really terrible, doesn't it, I love you, lets find something that you CAN do. He won't understand but he will realize you are on his side and not the enemy. Hope this helps. You will have to do this a thousand times until he grows out of that phase in life. This too will pass.

try and tell him why he can't mess with things he is not allowed. and then try counting to 3. it will take awhile for him to know what to do. but when you get to 3 and he has not listen than set him down in a corner or away from is toys so that he understands that he has done wrong. let him set there for at lest 10 min. the more he acts up the longer you make him set (add 10 min. every time). after the time is up tell him why he had to set.

I'm pretty sure I remember my little guy losing his mind like that at that age. He did it at the doctor's office one day and she asked what I do. I told her I try to find a place where he can't hurt himself and let him scream it out and she told me that's EXACTLY what I should do. I had to strap him to his chair because he'd smash his face on his crib or pack'n'play so much he'd split his lip. It's not so bad now and he's not deliberatly hit his head in over a year, I'm sure.

Hi K.,
I could have written pretty much the same thing about my daughter. What a temper she has! I think you should ignore the tantrums as much as possible. If he is in a situation/place where he can hurt himself, either remove him and place him somewhere else or hold him firmly for a few minutes until he can calm down. Part of being a toddler (which technically your son will be in two weeks ;)) is learning about the limits of their environment. They are supposed to push the limits and when they throw tantrums it is because they can not tell you their frustrations. It's kind of sad really. Imagine being so frustrated, angry, sad, etc. and not being able to have any control over it or tell someone about it. We would probably lay down and throw a fit too! When the tantrum is starting to subside, I usually pick up my daughter, hug her, tell her I am trying to understand, and explain to her that the behavior is unacceptable. We try to do this in as loving a manner as possible but we also don't back down. She may not fully understand but she gets the tone of voice and it gets us in a good habit of how to handle these situations early on. Good luck!

Keep removing him from the situation and when he throws a fit, ignore him. Walk away and act like it's no big deal. He is doing it for attention... if he gets none, he will stop. It is totally normal and totally frustrating! Hang in there!

You should put him in his playpen when he acts like that and let him go for it. The pen has a soft bottom so he won't hurt himself. Let him cry it out. Crying never killed anyone.

My son used to lash back and hit his head when he had tantrums. I made a certain cabinet in the kitchen his with small toys, old cooking utensils, boxes, and a pan or two for his own use when I was in there cooking. So, try that. Whenever, you are taking something from him, try to give him something equally as interesting as an alternative. "you can play with this instead." That will usually work, unless the child is a strong type A personality like my oldest. Try these things to minimize the tantrums. Make sure he isn't tired or hungry, those are sure to cause meltdowns too.

Sometimes, you have to let a tantrum run his course, but he is very young. Just make sure he doesn't hurt himself. When he is a little older just make sure he is on the carpet when he is throwing them, or let them run their course only on the carpet. (to avoid an obvious concussion) :) I don't suggest time out in a play pen right now. He doesn't get the concept. (Your doctor will agree with me on this one) Right now, he is still so young. With my oldest ONCE HE REACHED about 2, I had a special tantrum room, and I would say "ok, honey, this is your special room where you can cry all you want." Once again, these are for later.

I'm sorry but I had to laugh b/c it is the exact same thing my son does! He started around that age. He is 17 mos now and doesn't do them as often now and hasn't banged his head or bit the floor (my personal favorite) in a while. My ped said to just ignore them so he isn't getting any reward. Just redirect his attention or start playing with something else so he becomes interested in that and don't fuss over him while he is throwing a fit. That did seem to help a lot. My son also had to get ear tubes and I think the ear infection pressure was part of the problem - just kept him on edge.

Feel free to send me a message anytime if you need help. Or to commiserate!

My son also began tantrums at 11 months... he throws himself on the ground on his back, and bucks and screams. We generally ignore him, and walk away where he can't see us, if there is no audience, no tantrum (we can still see him at all times). On occassion, my husband will also lay on the ground with him and throw the same tantrum. It makes Aiden so mad that he gets up and heads to his toys!

Hi K.! Just wanted to say that your son's response is completely normal. I solved this problem in my house by installing the magnetic tot-locks on most of the cabinets and drawers. Then I left one cabinet completely assessible for him. I put all my plastic stuff in there and would even "hide a treasure" every night for him to find in the morning. He would be busy digging around and going in and out of the cabinet and I could empty the dishes, whatever, in peace! Also, "no" usually turns into a battle of wills so I try to give my little man a "win" every now and then so we don't spend all day in meltdowns. Good luck!!:)

I found with all of my children that ignoring the tantrum (but staying close by to keep them safe) was what worked for me. When my youngest starts a tantrum, I start by telling her that it is not going to work with me. If that does not work and the it gets more intense, I will move her to a safe place, like the middle of the floor or her bed, and tell her, "you are not going to get what you want by crying". I also tell her that she needs to stay where I put her until she stops. When I first started this with her, I would take her out as soon as the tantrum stopped so that she would see that if she stopped she got out of "time out". Now that she is almost 3, we hardly have any tantrums.

I have also used this in working with the toddlers in the day care where I work. It works and he is at the right age to start because if you get it under control now, it will be easier to handle later. You will have to be a little stern with him, but end the time out with a hug and and tell him that he is not going to get what he wants by acting like that. It is amazing what those little minds understand.

Good Luck!