Seeking Advice on How to Handle Fussiness

Every child at this age goes through that. You can't give in to her temper tantrums. What works for my daughter is I distract her. She will be throughing a temper tantrum over something and instead of giving in I will go and play with one of her toys or do something funny and she will stop her screaming and come over to see what I am doing. She forgets what she was mad about and will start to play and talk to me. It works everytime. I like you hate to see my daughter cry and upset but I know that if I give into her temper tantrums that I will be one of those parents you see in the store with an unrulling 2-3yr old that is screaming and hitting her mom.Good luck

Hi there,

I just read a book called "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert J. MacKenzie. I highly recommend it. It helps identify personality traits of both the parent and the child, then gives suggestions on how to handle differences without animosity and drama. You won't be able to use all of the suggestions with a 20-month-old, but there's definitely some good stuff in there that might help you.

Good luck,
J.

Giving in is the wrong thing to do. Sorry to say it now will be harder to change her attitude. But you need to change it now not later. The best thing to do is put her on a time out. Either in her crib or playpen with nothing to play with or do and go out of the room. Make sure you tell her she is misbehaving and is on time out. That way after time she will understand the behavior is wrong. Let her cry it out and throw a tantrum. She will stop eventually, even she will run out of energy. If you feel you have to take her out you can hold her face to the wall until she stops screaming. My younger daughter was very stubborn and wouldn't listen at times. I would put her on time out facing the wall under the clock but she wouldn't stay still. I would hold her around the waist off the floor in front of me, both of us facing the wall until she stops screaming or squrming. It takes time to retrain a child that has learned you will give in. But the longer you wait to retrain her the worse it will be.

Lots of luck,

K.

Your daughter sounds normal to me. And, now you get to be the bad mommy who won't let her have everythihg she wants...and you will feel bad for her. It is not easy to hear our little ones upset and we are pulled to fix it. But, what we absolutely had to do for them that firs year, we should be helping them find boundaries the next couple of years. Sometimes that means not saying no when you know you will say yes. Sometimes it means an unhappy child because you are the momma and you know what is best for her. If you think you are going to give in anyway, don't even bother saying no in the first place. It is too confusing. Better to decide what your no means to you, when you really mean it, and only use it then. When my children have little tantrums (and at that age, they do) I usually acknowledge it..."You are mad at Mommy because you want the scissors. Mommy said no scissors." They scream, I tell them "I am sorry you feel so upset" and then sometimes I offer something that is okay to have, or better yet, I nurse them so they forget what they wanted anyway! Haha. This is so normal...she just needs to know what is okay and what is not. And, she is just as upset by the learning as you are. Think how hard it is to be her age and want everything and not know what is okay to have and what is not. To be frustrated by your wants and not have a way to really express it. Must be so hard to be almost 2.

Great book to check out: The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears

Don't worry! It is normal and about that time. She will grow out of it. Mine grew out of it after 3yr old. BUt she can sometimes we a pain. She is learning what she wants and who is going to jump when she calls. This is the time to teach her respect and appreciation for others.

I have a 20 month old son and have begun noticing similar behavior. I think a big part of it is that he is getting closer to "the two's" phase. It is tough to ignore, but I try to do the same when out in public. When that doesn't work, I try to get his attention on his level and sing a song play peek a boo to distract him. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When we are at home and a tantrum occurs, we have started "time-outs". These usually work fairly well. We time them for 1-2 minutes only and I try to quietly explain why he is in time out and that it make mommy sad when he behaves badly. I don't have any magic solutions, but I do believe this is normal for the age and is a passing phase we all have to endure as parents. Sometimes it helps to know you aren't alone in this- and you aren't- I feel your pain! :)

20 month olds don't really have "bad attitudes." They're just expressing themselves the only way they know how.

I highly recommend the following sites:

http://www.howtoparent.net/
http://www.naturalchild.com

Learning what's appropriate behavior for your child's age can help immensely. There are books by Ames and Ilg that are great for this:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440506727/sr=8-1/qid=11...

I feel your pain A.. Just remember, babies learn to manipulate. They are very good at it. My dear son is also 20 months old (Dec. 2). At 18-19 months old he started learning all about the temper tantrum. You can't give in. What I usually do is try to distract them with one of their favorite toys and if that doesn't work. I count to three sternly, then put him in time out. I pick him up and take him to his crib saying when you scream you go to time out and shut the bedroom door. He screams louder, but I leave him in there for about 5 minutes (mostly to get my sanity back), then I walk back in and ask if he will be a big boy and be good and I will take him back out (that is when he usually stops screaming). I used to leave him in there until he stopped screaming but I realized he never would and after a few minutes they don't understand or forget why they are in there in the crib. Just hang in there and don't give in and it shall soon pass. My son's temper tantrums are few and far between now. Usually now it is only when he is tired and sleepy.

What I see is that she is testing her limits. She is getting mixed messages from you when you give in. You are the parent, it's up to you to set limits and stick with them. Also you have to know which battles to fight. But as for the fits, let her throw them, but take her into a "safe" room (i.e. one where she can't hurt herself) and let her scream. I know it sounds cruel, but if you are in the same room as her while she is throwing her fit, she is checking your reaction. If she sees that you aren't reacting to her fit, she might stop. When she calms down, then I would talk with her and explain why she can't do something. Have you thought about maybe taking her to a play area where she can play with other kids her age? Most malls have an indoor play area that is great for letting them get that energy out. Another idea is a playgroup or Mom's day out thing that some church's do. Maybe try to find some new activities to do. A walk around the neighborhood works great for calming my boys. Playdough and coloring are wonderful tools in our house. Wish I had more advice, but I'm sure the other ladies on here will have more ideas!

I have 5 and 3-yr old sons and a 20 month old daughter as well. My daughter is constantly picking up bad habits from the boys and testing to see if I will allow her to get away with it. At this age, she is declaring her independance in every way and discovering my and her limits. She says "No" to me on occasion and I will start by asking her please adn then I will look her straight in the eye and "demand" her attention and agreement to what I am asking. The tone usually gets her to comply and it's not yelling - just loud, deep and assertive. When she throws a tantrum, I will, depending on the situation (and how tired she is) either hug and talk her out of it with another distraction ie. book or walk away and allow her to have at it and ignore her entirely. When she comes to me all upset after, I will talk it out with her and explain in little words and then offer to play something else. It is amazing how much she understands - DO NOT underestimate a child even as young as you may think 20 months is. She knows what I have asked though she may not understand completely the why of it. Remember, what behaviors you ingrain now, could haunt you later!

That's why they call it "the terrible twos" and you're just about to hit it. Like the other person said, your daughter is testing her limits, and you're showing her where they are. So you've shown her that if she screams loud enough and long enough, she gets anything she wants. I know when you're about to lose your mind how much you want those few minutes of peace that you get when you give in, but if you do, it's going to be worse next time. We had an awful time getting our daughter out of our bed. We probably had three weeks when she stayed up all night screeching, and it was that bad because I gave in for so long and kept putting her back in the bed with me (I was just so tired and sleepy!). My son was happy in our bed or in his crib, so I thought it would just work that way again if I did the same things, but I was wrong.

If you stop giving in to her now, it's going to be bad for awhile, maybe really bad, but if you wait until she's older and used to getting her way, it's going to be much worse. It helped me when somebody told me, "all kids do this at some point. They have to figure out how things work, because they don't know. You have to show them how."

I'm a SAHM, too. Being on-call 24 hours a day is stressful. I didn't go anywhere or do anything for at least 3 years after I had my son, I felt like I just couldn't leave him, even with his dad, who is great and has more experience with babies than I do. Do you have a hubby or grandma who can watch your daughter for an hour or so? Even if it's just to get out and walk around a store or something, you come back feeling so much more able to deal with things.

MY DAUGHTER HAD THE TERRRIBLE TWO'S EARLY. I SAID IF IT GOT WORSE WHEN SHE TURNED TWO, I COULDN'T HANDLE IT. I MEANT IT TOO. EVERYONE SAID IT WOULD. BUT THANKFULLY, IT HAS ONLY GOTTEN BETTER SINCE. I DID NOT REPEAT NOT GIVE IN THOUGH. THAT WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE. IF I SAID WE COULDN'T GO OUTSIDE TO PLAY, SHE'D THROW HERSELF DOWN IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AND KICK AND SCREAM. I'D EITHER LET HER AND EXPLAIN WHY WE WEREN'T AND HOW HER TANTRUM WASN'T GOING TO GET HER ANYTHING, CHANGE HER MIND TO SOMETHING ELSE SHE MAY ENJOY, MAKE HER LAY DOWN FOR NAP-EVEN IF IT WAS JUST QUIET TIME, OR PUNISHMENT-SPANKING (USUALLY ON THIGH) OR TIME OUT. IT WILL GET BETTER-JUST DON'T GIVE UP-BE GLAD IT'S NOT THE WHOLE SECOND YEAR WHEN THEY'RE BIGGER, STRONGER, AND LOUDER! GOOD LUCK