Temper Tantrums

Talk with his parents so that they can talk to him about his behavior. Maybe he shouldn't go to Grandma's unless he can behave and I'm sure he'll learn rather quickly when he doesn't get to go to Grandma's as often as he used to. I definately think this is an issue for the parents to fix. Good Luck!

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I have to agree with the other poster - I have a 4yo little girl and believe me she has DOOZIES - today is one of those days - all morning she was just in a mood.

First remember that at 4 they are trying to really get independence and not be a baby - they don't want to be told to do they want to do things on their own and make their own decisions.

No offense but you might just be partially to blame for his parents feeling and his behavior around you, if you and I quote "I don't have the patience or tolerance for his behavior." You do realize that children pickup on feelings better than anyone else - they are just like that. Actually, parents do aswell, if you comment about his behavior constantly (at least once a visit) then that shows your lace of tolerance for him. Timeouts may not work for him in your opinion b/c he doesn't settle down immediately - which is what you want him to do. Why don't you try something else like redirecting him, you leaving the room where the tantrum is happening or something like that - remove yourself from the situation and drop your attitude of " I just can't deal with his bad behavior." could there be a medical/neurological issue for him that you are not privy to b/c of your attitude? Like ADHD?

Sorry but your A little aboutme section and your whole post rubed me the wrong way - maybe I am having a bad day myself so take what I say with a grain of salt. But remember too you are the Adult and he is a YOUNG CHILD, give him love, patience, understanding and let him grow without the pressure to be perfect.

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Should have a Dr see him regarding this. He may have an underlying medical conditon contributing to it, since none of the other kids ever had the problem. Two of my Grandsons have MILD form of autism that causes temper outbursts. Other diseases will do the same. Even being hyperactive to a degree will. Wont hurt to have him seen by a Dr and evaluated. If he does have a medical condition, the sooner he gets treatment the better .

jackie
p.s. My grandson actually had to get stitches where he hit his head against the wall.....turns out the nerves in his body dont "feel" pain like we do, so if he is even mildly autistic, he COULD physically hurt himself. Once the boys began to get theraphy they have adjusted GREAT and you can barely tell they have a problem today. The SOONER they get diagnosed and get treatment the better. We didnt know they had a problem until about age 4 either.

ONLY you can really tell if their temper tantrums are something unnormal or not. Sounds to me from your post--you already suspect they are.

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These are hands down the best books for dealing with behavior challenges. They aren't brand new books, so they don't get a lot of hype. But the reviews are overwhelmingly positive, and the author is a highly respected psychologist (not just somebody with a computer). The first book is actually used by the state of Florida for parenting programs. So it's legit :)The second book is mostly the same content from a non-secular standpoint.

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Hi there L.,
I am a mother of 3 -7, 4, and 2. I personally think 4 is a little to old to have tantrums. My 4 year old son tried that junk a couple times. I ignored him, he kept it up, so the next thing I did was put him in his room until he can come talk to me in regular voice. I agree with you 100%, that behavior is not tolerated by myself or husband. Even w/ our 2 year old, we ignore the behavior and she gets over it most of the time, and if she doesn't it, to her crib she goes. I understand that kids get frustrated too, but it is our job as care givers to guide them to what is good behavior and what is bad. I think that some parents these days are letting thier children be in contral b/c they are afraid of hurting the childs feelings, that does not work. Maybe you just need to talk to the parents and explain how you feel about it! Good luck! M.

L., i have two daughters, ages 8 and 10. Though i am sure you are going to catch flack for your statements, i must say that i can count on one hand the number of tantrums by daughters had combined on one hand.

I think this has to do with the childs personality combined with their method of descipline. Not necessarily something, they are doing wrong.

Although, i agree 4 is a little old for so many tantrums, you need to support your daughter in law's way to discipline her child, whether you like it or not. If you have advice to give, dont give it in the moment of stress.
And if your sons never had tantrums, you may not be fully equipped with dealing with them, so please understand that they are stressful to the parent, and they dont need someone second guessing them at the same time.

Good luck!

I don't see the question. Are you asking something? well, let me give you some advice that i think would be appropriate. First of all congratulations on having four kids that didn't throw tantrums. God knows thats a blessing.Now you need to redirect your attention onto your grandchildren and your daughter in laws feelings (and your son that is the father of this "problem"child)!I would be willing to bet they they are hurt that you think they are bad parents (please don't deny that you feel that way)! maybe your children "knew tantrums wouldn't be tolerated" or maybe you just got lucky! Please stop judging your son and daughter in law and come together to see if you can help!!!You may not have patience but if you have love for this child then you should have all the patience you need to make a positive effect on this child! it might take time but he's a child - he's worth it! By the way i'm not judging you - just calling it like i see it!

Many new parents need parenting lessons.they allow the children to do as they please. Children need structure it make them feel more secure.we now have shows like the nanny to help families raise their kids. How sad. I had three children [we are good friends now and since they were independent] when they were growing up i was the parent not the friend.i also have four grandchildren and they are well behaved when they visit.i love them and they love me.i understand how you feel and maybe you can explain this to your son and his wife. Good luck

The important thing to remember is, your 4 year old grandson is not doing this because he knows it makes you mad or because he woke up this morning and decided, boy it'd be fun to throw a rip roaring fit and see what happens. He doesn't have the cognitive ability yet to reason that way. He's melting down because he needs something and can't tell you what it is. Try observing what happens before the meltdown. Is he tired? overwhelmed? hungry? Maybe he's not getting clear information. "Maybe" to a 4 year old does not compute. Try using "when you, then you" statements for him like..."When you sit in your chair then you can have ----" Or if it's happening in a store make sure before you enter he has clear instructions, "We are going to Walmart to buy ---. We will not buy any toys today" and then you have to stick to it. Kids need repetition so doing this once will not work to sink in it must be done on average 10 times for them to get it. Once we started this when our son was 3 we saw an immediate improvement and within 4 mos. Rarely a tantrum did we see, when before he would tantrum daily. Remember not to argue with him when he is melting down, he will not hear you anyway. If he's having a "tantrum" calmly escort him to a safe place and tell him when he's calm you'll talk to him. And then follow through. Hope I gave you a couple ideas...

Have you had him tested for bipolar disorder? My sister went thru this with her daughter's son and they had him on meds for ADHD for years which made it worse. Think on it. Also, autism and aspbergers presents this way. Hope I have helped.

When my Grandson started with the temper tantrums his mother and I would
totally ignore him, even in public. We would walk away from him as he
would throw himself on the ground. Once we stepped behind some hedges
at a shopping center in Brandon. We could see him, but he could not see
us. As soon as he realized we were not there, he jumped up terrified that we had left him. It was the last temper tantrum for him!

Maybe something similar would work for your grandson?

Once it is recognized that tantrums are a common behavoir of a child I would have a privite conversation with the child on the next visit. I would hug and tell him (or her) that I loved him very much but did not like this behavior. I would ask him to talk about it, yes, even at age 3 or 4 children are more intelligent than many give them credit. I would also explain that if it did happen again there would be specific consequenes. In my experience it only took one tantrum for this behavior to change.

About me: I ran child care programs for children so that mothers could take classes that lasted 2 to 3 hours a day.

My daughter did that once in a store and I just walked away from her(but kept an eye on her) and she soon stoped and was fine. Of course this was 48 years ago. Pat R.

i have a 9 year old great granson that is about the same, with his mom, dad, grandma and grandpa. they think they are at their wits end and he runs all over them. i go to my daughters house and in an authoritive manner and voice let him know its is not accetiable behavoir....he tried me for almost a month and i never lost patience, nor yelled or screamed, and always looked him in the eye. and he learned that around GMAJ that i respect you and you me, we will get along and you will learn that i will never stear you wrong. i have been there and i remember what it was like at your age and now we are comunicating. it is a cold hard world out there. we have walked the path before and as my grand mother always said take the young ones hands and help them walk beside you in the path of life. i have 5 children and lots of grand chilren and lots and lots of great grands and lots of adopted ones. and no matter it helps work with anyone of them at any age. JUST STOP AND REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR YOU AT THAT AGE. good luck GMAJ

Hi L.,
Your situation with your grandson does sound frustrating, and kudos to you for trying to help him. Childrearing has changed alot over the last two generations. Does your grandson have these outbursts often? Does he have any sensitivities to foods, textures, or light? Is he in constant motion and do you have to repeat things to him in order to get him to listen? I am asking these questions because I have a child on the autism spectrum and another who may have ADHD. I am not saying that your grandson has autism or ADHD, so please do not get upset! :)

Are your grandson's temper tantrums, more intense, occur more often than another child his age? Is your grandson in preschool? Does he exhibit these behaviors at school too?
Kids with ADHD and autism often cannot switch gears quickly and cannot transition from one activity to another. The same thing happens with thoughts, they get a thought in their head and when asked to shift thoughts, like hearing "No" when they thought they were going to do something and being told that they cannot, then the child does not have the flexibility to make that change , and then a tantrum occurs.

Behavior is communication and your grandson is having difficulty in communicating with you. I am sure that the little guy loves you and wants to please you. If he is exhibiting intense temper tantrums in all settings, home, school, etc-then there may be something else going on and your family may want to think about having him evaluated to rule out autism and or ADHD. In the meantime, giving him time to transition, like a 5 min warning ot 2 min warning before changing activities may help. Using First/Then has been very helpful with my kids, like "First eat your lunch, then you may watch TV." Short concise language. Keep repearing it if necessary. Sometimes a soft whisper and a hug diffuses my sons temper tantrums he has a hard time too, not getting his way. Catch him being good, and give him lots of positive reinforcement when he behaves the way you want him too.

There is a wonderful book called "The Explosive Child" written by Dr. Ross Greene that has some helpful info and I like also "The Strong Willed Child" which is fantastic. This book talks about personality types and parenting styles and how if mismatched, then alot of stress occurs.

I hope that I did not upset you about your grandson having a developmental issue. Our family has long suspected that our daughter eas unusual, but could not figure it out. Autism had crossed my mind, but our pediatrician, felt that since she was talking, that we did not have to worry. It fook a stranger at a McDonalds to see the behaviors that the pediatrician could not see in a 15 min office visit. This stranger, who just happened to be a teaching asistant who works with children with autism, walked up to me and asked casually, "Is your daughter autistic"? I felt angry and defensive, as any mama bear would be, but it set us on the road to diagnosis and treatment. My daughter is doing great and is making progress, so I am very thankful to that stranger.

I wish you and your grandson all the best!

K. B.

Nothing you do will change his behavior unless his parents follow through and back it up. You might suggest to them ,a trip to his pediatricion as my grandaughter who is 10 yrs old had behavior and school problems and she was tested for many things that could cause this. She was diagnosed with ADD and is on medication which has helped in school tremendously. It doesnot alter her behavior at home though. She is at the age where a smart mouth, show of temper and arguing is common and my daughter doesnot tolerate this behavior . Punishments are dished out to all 3 kids with time outs, and loss of priveledges. While they are here , they are well behaved. I would talk to your son and see if the child behaves this way at home and if so what do they do about it. If punishment is dished out find out what is being done and do the same at your house. If none is being done then it is a parenting problem and lack of addressing the problem. Re afirm that you love your grandchild but his behavior is unacceptable in your home. If he is in day care at all or preschool, he is at the age where they learn alot of these bad habits from other kids. My daughter was a well behaved little angel until she started school and the first thing she learned was how to lie. Good luck

I have found that timeouts don't work in general given the fact that the goal of discipline is to help the child learn and all time outs do is make them feel rejected. A great resource is the book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish called How to Talk so kids will Listen and How to Listen so kids will talk. There are a number of great techniques that help children learn healthy behaviors. It is written by two moms who have great experiences and is based on the work of a child psychologist.

They have lots of great suggestions about how to deal with tantrums on their web site http://www.fabermazlish.com/problem.htm#Tantrums

All children go through having tantrums...it is part of various developmental phases. I have found this in my experience, in many books and from what I hear of most friends who are parents. Faber and Mazlish talk about that any feeling is Ok but not all behaviors are ok...they have words that help deal with the behaviors that are not rejecting like "I can't hear you when you tell me what you need this way." "use your words." SOmetimes hugging them or holding them so they won't hurt themselves is helpful.

I also think it is important to see what the tantrums bring up in us. If we are honest with ourselves, there is anger in us or at least aversion arising. If we can connect with the child's feelings and empathize (see the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child), that can help us and the child.

Hope this helps...

Dear L., Temper tantrums can be worrisome when they feel out of control, especially if you don't have experience with them. His tantrums probably work for him in some other setting. The whole idea is to remove the audience. Explain to the little guy that to you his tantrums are not acceptable, and so he does not misunderstand, explain exactly what tantrum behaviors are. Then let him know that should they happen in public you will immediately leave and go home. Should they happen at home you will walk away. He really is old enough to learn this. Then, when it happens you do need to remove yourself from the situation. This needs to be done without anger or embarrasment, but with firmness. You do, after all, love him and are only trying to help him eliminate a behavior which is not good for him. He should over time stop using this behavior as a tool. Children do want to do what is right, we just need to help them know what that is. Then everybody wins and is happier. Good luck. B. P
PS, I just read Lisa P's response, and I wholeheartedly recommend the book she recommends. It saved me as a mother with young children!!