Teen Lying About Taking Stuff

NO WAY are you overreacting! She needs to be taken to her granmother and apologize to her and admit her transgression! Hopefully the humility will put some sense into her! Tell her aunts and uncles too so they can ride her about it. I had an issue with my son-not exactly the same issue, but I told him that if he did not want anyone to know what he had done that it was the wrong thing to do and don't expect me to cover for him, that I was going to tell everyone who is close to him......poof! No more problems like that! There has to be consequences and the BEST one for teenagers is EMBARRASSMENT!

You might want to consider getting her to go to counseling. Since she has done this in the past, it might be an issue she needs to work out with a counselor. At the very least, a counselor could direct you on the best way to nip this in the bud so that she does not continue this behavior and get herself into some big trouble when she decides to "borrow" something from a store!

Trish,
You are not overreacting. It is very important that our children learn to take responsibility for their actions. As a teacher, I see way too many who want to blame someone else or ignore that they are responsible. I think you and your husband need to sit down with her and have a serious talk. Use I statements "I noticed that you don't seem to be sorry that you took your grandmother's purse. I realize that you may just not be showing it, but I am worried because this is not the daughter I know. I am not as much disappointed that you took the purse, as that you lied about it and now do not show any signs that you are sorry. I do not like this type behavior. I want you to be honest and take responsibility for what you do. I want to understand what is going on with you. Is there something you would like to share with us or would you prefer to speak to a counsellor about these issues? I love you very much, but I do not agree with the choices you have made lately. I want to help you grow up into a responsible young lady. How can I help you with this?"
These statement will allow her the opportunity to think and respond. I would highly recommend counselling, as these issues can be outcrys for help from something else going on in her life. If you are worried, you should take it seriously. God gave us women's intuition for a reason and you are her mother. I will say a prayer for you and hope that all works out well! Good luck and have a blessed day!
In Him,
M.

Hi Trish,
I believe she needs to apologize to grandma, and most likely you need to be there to be sure she does it appropriately. It would probably be helpful to role play first with her how she would apologize; the apology needs to include the "I'm sorry" AND an admission that owns responsibility and ask for ways to "pay" restitution. It is probably a good idea to talk with grandma and ask her not to let her off the hook, and to actually say to her granddaughter how the theft by her granddaughter made her feel: "I felt mad, sad, disappointed, hurt". . .whatever grandma felt. Grandma could be ready with a suggestion of 3 things the daughter could do as "family service" activity (a variation of community service): mowing, cleaning the garage, cleaning her house, etc., whatever labor-type jobs grandma needs done. Both parents and grandparent should absolutely follow through with whatever you decide the consequences are. Lying and stealing are serious offenses and could become a way of life if intervention is not done ASAP. I agree with one responder that it is important to handle this issue matter-of-factly, but firmly, no labeling her as a liar or a thief or other names and that lying and stealing are not tolerated. When one make that choice there are consequences, and perhaps the worst in the long run is that no one will trust her. She may not actually understand why she did this and the other instances as well. If the behavior continues, you probably need to look at counseling for her with a good therapist with teens.

After the apology to grandma, It would be a good idea NOT to bring it up every time she does something else inappropriate. Show her some personal attention at times when she isn't acting out. Make some time to do something with her that she enjoys, tell her you love her as you always do, + hugs, etc. She needs to know that you recognize she is a growing, developing person who makes mistakes and that though lying and stealing may not be tolerated, you love her anyway although you are disappointed, AND that mistakes don't have to indicate one is to be forever distrusted. She is a work-in-progress, as we all are.

Firmness and consistent follow-through are very important. If she gets away with this with no consequences, or consequences that are sort of allowed to fizzle out without completing whatever behavioral retribution you and grandma require, she may very likely do so again. You might also check to see if she has stolen from other places and include consequences for that as well.

Good luck and God bless you and your daughter. Teen years are tough, and try to keep communicating with her.

Dont tell her she embarasses and belittles you, please. Most teens steel at some point, its NOT right but its also pretty common. I would try to talk to her in a way that she will relate to, this is a very difficult age and though you have to be firm and have strict boundaries, the last thing you want to do is push her away with hurtful words, this will backfire, trust me. If I were you I would use some sort of punishment like no allowance, aplolgizing to grandma and maybe an extra chore, but through it all I would be kind and remind her how much I love her. Maybe you could have her donate a few things she likes to charity in hopes of reminding her how much she actually has? Good luck.

Make her apologize to her grandmother and ask her grandmother to tell her that she forgives her for it but she is very disappointed in her (don't let grandma say "it's okay honey; you can keep it"). Tell her the same thing. With teenagers who steal, they'll do it if they know they can get away with it or if there are no repercussions if they get caught. She should have some sort of punishment that will discourage her from wanting to do that again. If she gets the purse anyway, then that just reinforces the behavior. When we were teenagers, my brother stole cash from my mother on multiple occasions. We had to sit on the sofa (in dead silence, staring at my parents) for over an hour because we couldn't get up until someone confesses. Finally, my brother confessed and he had to do extra work around the house to pay off his debt.

Read "Love and Logic." There is a teen version.

www.loveandlogic.com

I think you have received some good advice. I would also keep an eye on any new things she has and confirm where they came from, not just accept her response. Lying is the biggie at our house and I would probably not allow anything new except necessites for 6 months. Grandma also said this was not the only thing gone missing so I would look further into that as well. I don't believe every teen steals at some point and even if that is true it does not excuse it. I would further look into therapy to try to resolve the reasons she is doing it.

My best to you.......I am single mom to a 15 and a 16 year old.

My husband used to work with kids in the detention center. He said those who got caught the first time and had to "pay the price", seldom had a second offense.

Teens are just like 2 year olds; they need boundaries and they act out when they need attention. Rita had great suggestions. I would follow them. (Attention = time spent with them in a way they would want-obviously, not shopping in this case.) Blessings on you.

I think you have gotten excellent advice especially from Rita. At this point you need to take action to address this-and it can be a turning point in her life. Admitting she did it to Grandma, doing an act of service for her as an apology, and having restricted priviledges in'new' items for a while is great. HOwever, you should also try to schedule some more family time-she may be having too much peer time that is pulling her away from the values you have taught your family and need some fun and love from within the family group. God is good He can change this into a positive for her and in your family life.

I think that at this point your daughter probably doesn't know why she took the purse. However, regardless of the reason she was still wrong. I think that rather than waiting for her to admit she stole a purse and then apologize for it you need to make her. Tell her that since she has stolen something that she is going to take responsibility for her actions. She needs to return the purse, apologize and then I think that you should require her to do volunteer work weekly in a women's shelter/soup kitchen etc... Then she'll really see what it's like to need something. This is a very good opportunity for you and your hubby to teach her about gratitude.

Put it back on her. Tell her she embarrasses you, as well as herself when she lies, and it belittles you both. Ask her point blank what's really pushing her.

If you all a really close family, I would use this as a family bonding moment. Let her know that she is part of the 'last name' family, and this family doesn't do that kind of thing. I would make her apologize to her grandma by admitting she took the purse and she is sorry and make her hand the purse back. She should have no priviledges (phone, tv, hanging out with friends) until she takes care of this. After that, I would drop it. If she continues to do this, then I would email mamasource again for feedback. I would not tell her anything about embarassing or belittling.

Girlfriend- you are smart to be on your toes about it- hes the reality check - if the teens are breathin- they are lying- dont take it personally- I did nad I wasted a year worrying about why is he doing this to ME- its just a survival tactic. She does need to address the situation. She needs to get a job so that she has the resources for what she wants- Don't give in and believe her if your gut says shes lying. Mom gut know all-
If money starts to be missing and all- go drastic- time for an over the counter drug test- it wakes them up about how their behavior has set off an alarm in you.
But coming clean is the biggest part- don't think she's the only one- A great book- Queen Bees and Drama Queens- I only wish they wrote one about boys- ha
I think EVERYONE has stolen something at some time- but it bothering you more b/c it's from a relative- I understand.
Just keep a close rein on her and when she goes somewhere - double ck it- call and make sure the parent is there and from experience and words from authority- 15-17 yr olds dont need to be doing sleep overs or hanging at Wadda Burgers- Don't feel weird about calling to check up on her-I did and it made my son realize I was serious- made a big difference-its your right and she'll say that its so "gay" and she cant believe you're doing it and all- too bad- ...an ounce of prevention. Most parents WANT to check up and call but back down - I did at first and then realized that the other parents wanted me to check in as well and when a parent wasnt there and I wasn't given a home phone number to call- he didnt go.
At 17 - its gets easier- believe me.
P.S. When's the last time just you and her went out- lunch - manicure- day for you two- We tend to get so busy - and don't talk about ANYTHING that's gone on- let her orchestrate the conversation for the day and listen without giving a lesson- its hard but affective.
Kudos to you for being intuitive- good job mom!

D.
www.partyangelsus.com

No, you are not over reacting. Ask her how she would feel if the same treatment were givin to her, ask her why she feels like she needs to take things, when if she ask, people would probably let her use or have them in the first place. Try to get her to tell you, and if she won't say, ask her to at least ask herself. Then explain to her that if caught in lies, that sometime something big may happen and she didn't do it, but you coudn't believe her since she had lied before. Ask her if reputation means anything, and what kind of a person does she want to be known for. I don't think this sounds like a clepto, but if she continues to take stuff, you could give her a scare telling her you think she has this problem, and maybe you should go to a shrink and see if they could help her. Don't know if scare tactics would work, but if in fact this ends up being a fact, it would actually help her. And if she is just mis-behaving, it may make her stop and think twice. I hope the first part of this message will help, and not the last part, it was just a last straw measture I put in there.

Wow, after reading the posts here I am sorely amazed and concerned at what is going to happen to some of the parent/child relationships once they hit the teen years! Some of the advice you've received is good, others is stunningly terrible!

I have a 16 yo daughter, and while she hasn't exhibited some of the behaviors your daughter has, I can tell you without a doubt that the majority of the reasons why teens do this is due to one of several things:

A desire to be independent, ie, not having to ask mom or other family member for EVERYTHING they get.

A peer pressure issue, "come on, its really no big deal" and bragging rights later to fit in, "You'll never guess where I got this..."

A subconscious way of asking for attention, after all, good or bad, at least she's getting it.

I am not alluding to the fact that you ignore your daughter, neglect her, etc. Just listing a few possibilities. Not too long ago, my teen daughter told me that she wouldn't want to do some of the things that other girls were doing because she valued our relationship w/o the drama over the "thrill" of fitting in. I am extraordinarily blessed to have a daughter who has realized this without having to directly point it out.

I would definitely have your daughter apologize to her grandmother, with sincerity! Be present, not to harp, but to lend support to your daughter. Grandma should accept the item back and not dismiss her apology, just as another mom suggested.

I would begin to develop a relationship with your daughter that signals a different phase in her life. I am not suggesting you change the home rules for your daughter, but a different level of relationship is called for. She is almost an adult and deserves a few more liberties than her younger siblings. Take her out to lunch, just the two of you, take her on shopping trips and give her her own money to spend (my daughter has to earn it but I pay her generously). Show her that the relationship between the two of you is far more special that the rupture caused by theft or other illegal activities.

While I think there can be a place for a child to tour a police station, etc. I think those are more tough love actions on a child that is teetering on becoming part of the population and not for a young lady who has made a bad choice. She doesn't need boot camp for stealing a purse for heaven's sake! I think there are a few mothers here who need to look with love in how they would deal with their own child who made some bad choices and remember your own! At least I hope that would temper some of the "advice" given here, or they'll have one heck of a problem on their hands.

Blessings and good luck to you and your daughter!
C.

I would contact the childrens department. Tell them that you have a child that has taken an item and that you would like for her to come down and see what happens to children who lie and do other things. The counselor at the children's department maybe able to shed some light or a way to help her. She has to know that what she does now will carry over into adulthood. Trust is a very important issue and once broken it takes a very long time to get it back. Check into the people she is hanging out with and what they are like and their families. It might be time to change friends and start new activities with a positive purpose. She has only 2 years left until she is "of age" and totally responsible for her actions. Good luck to you. The other S.

You have gotten good and bad advise, you need wisdom to sift it out. My son was caught stealing, we found out later there were others involved, but only my son was caught. To add my $.002, I would suggest you find out about her friends and their families. Make sure you keep a record of their phone numbers and any license plate number; they may come in handy in the future. A good counselor will get to the heart of the matter - this is not her problem it is a family issue so expect you to be in there also. Make sure you pray for her often, thinking of Job, and then look to Ephesians & Philippians on how Paul prayed for people. God Bless you and grant you discernment.