Daughter Stealing Money from My Wallet

I agree with several of the other poster's about grounding your daughter & withholding her allowance for whatever period of time you see fit. I also agree you need to have a conversation with her about why she is taking the money and what it's being used for as there may be an underlying issue that you need to take care of right away.

I definitely DO NOT agree with the poster who said you should call the local police, unless you plan on actually having your daughter arrested. As the wife of a police officer who hears a lot of stories at the end of the day, I can tell you without a doubt that it is not part of their job to scare your children into behaving.

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Well first of all, leave a empty wallet in your purse with a note that say "daughter, I know you are stealing money, come and speak with me."

Keep your reall wallet hidden when at home.. Then figure out how mush she has stolen and make a chore chart with dollar amounts so she can begin paying it back to you.. If she is stealing money, what else is she up to?

Sit down with her once she realizes she has been caught and find out why she feels she needs this extra money.What is she using it for?
Also I think she needs to know she is NEVER allowed to threaten or bully her sister again. I almost think she should have to do her sisters chores for the next 2 weeks..

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I have two thoughts on this, and I am very familiar with this situation. My 22 year old did this as a teen and it's very disheartening with her denying what I knew to be the truth. First, I would take a $20 bill and fold it. Inside, place a note that says, "I know you are doing this and so do you. It's wrong for a number of reasons. I hope this will be the last time." or something of that nature. Even if she never admits it, being caught and facing that you both know may stop this, but probably not. My biggest fear was that if she was stealing from me, she could be stealing from others. After many, many months of this and many tears and talks, it came to a head when my mother was babysitting a younger child and my daughter took money out of her wallet, went to put it back in, tipped the purse and spilled it. My mother caught her, caught her with the money and called my husband and I. My husband had had enough and called the police. They came to our house and it was terrible for everyone involved, but the officer told her that she would soon be 16 years old and could be charged as an adult with theft and what would happen should she be charged. She told her how wrong it was to steal, particularly to steal from one's family. My daughter was humiliated beyond belief and scared to death. That was the end of that. Never again did she steal from us and we've had no problems. Yes, it was harsh, but I feel it may have prevented a true call from the police to us when she had tried to steal from someone else. Good luck.

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Hard punishments ASAP. No allowance for two weeks, no cell for a week, no WII, and anything else. Extra chores around the house since she won't be hanging out with her friends shopping.

Nip it in the bud. Or, you will be called in by the police one day when she gets caught shoplifting somewhere. She's at that age.

Good luck!

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Definitely stop the allowance indefinitely, and make her pay it back. She is almost at an age that she can work, so she should earn her own money. Help her find some babysitting job or mow some lawns for some extra cash. Since she stole from you she has lost your trust and doesn't deserve free money on a regular basis. When she can get a work permit, get one for her and help her find a part time job somewhere.

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wow. well, I disagree with the vast majority of the responses you've gotten, so here's an alternate take..... the fact that your 14-year-old is A) stealing, B) from you and C) you don't know why, means that communication has broken down. the solution to that is not to be punitive. that would push her away, further erode communication, and leave her more vulnerable. yes, it might "fix" her behavior, at least temporarily, but if you want to affect your child's internal responses, if you want to teach your daughter to have empathy and to have respect for others and their property (as opposed to just fearing authority and containing her impulses reflexively instead of thoughtfully), then you need to reach out to her, to connect with her. YOU need to mend the rift that is between the two of you.

not only that, but there is a reason why your daughter is too young for our corrective system (except, yes, for the most egregious crimes, but the question of whether or not to try children as adults is for another conversation...): she is not an adult! people who suggest treating her like an adult miss the very point of being a parent. no, she is not a child, and you should not condescend to her, but suggesting that she should simply be punished for a crime is to miss the whole point of teenagers acting out. it misses the whole essence of parenting, which is to model good behavior and lead a child to good decisions. no one makes good decisions when they're being attacked. people react, and they react defensively, and that usually leads to worse behavior, even if the new (I would argue, worse) behavior is an internalized response.

so, my suggestion is to go take a walk with her, or do some kind of physical activity, just the two of you, something you enjoy but not too strenuous. it will get your endorphins going, give you something to focus on when/if the conversation gets awkward, and it forces you to be together (it's a lot harder to storm out of the room, for example, when you're a mile from home and without any transportation other than your feet!). bonus points for getting yourselves into natural and unfamiliar territory, even if it's just hitting a large park with walking trails. then, just let her know that you're feeling disconnected. admit that you've lost sight of the fact that, at 14, she's her own person, she's making decisions, and maybe you don't know her as well as you thought. ask her if she likes who she's becoming. ask her if she likes her parents, her sister. ask her whom she does like. ask her if there's anything going on that she could use some help with. tell her you struggle sometimes. be vulnerable. be real. reach out and then open your arms to whatever comes to you. do this every day if you can, or at least a couple of times a week. set up this special time for just the two of you and honor it as your most important appointment. it doesn't have to be hours long, it can be a walk around the block every day, and then a longer walk on the weekend. you just need time away from your world, your life, to re-connect and get to know each other. let the stuff about the stealing and what's going on with her come out organically, out of connection, instead of coming out of you attacking her (which is what she will think it is if it doesn't come from her). yes, you should take care to prevent the stealing in the meantime, but your primary concern is to find out what's going on with her, why is she stealing from you, why does she need the money.

yes, this is more difficult and more time -consuming than grounding her and taking away her cell phone and making her pay back the money. (arguably.) but isn't your daughter worth your time and effort? if not, by all means, punish her outright. but know that you have the opportunity right now to change things. or you can push your daughter [further] away. and "away" is always toward something else. do you know what that something will be?

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Figure out how much she has stolen to date. Withold allowance and any other spending money you may have normally given her until the total has been met.
She also needs to be grounded. Continue giving her an allowance but dont let her go anywhere to spend it. Then she'll see what it's like to save for awhile.
If she steals from her own moms purse she could possibly steal from her friends and their moms purses as well. This is a serious matter.
Money is a huge temptation. Start putting your purse away.

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I would ground her, no cell, no computer, no phone, no tv, and no allowance. She would have to earn these things back by proving she can be trustworthy again.

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Fun times. My brother used to take money out of my dad's drawer. He had a big bucket he just put whatever change and dollars were in his pocket when he came home in. My brother took $80 at one point!! The punishment? We ALL lost out. So bet yourself that the other 4 of us lit him up! We lost a really nice dinner out which didn't happen too often with us being a family of 7 (not nice like we were offered that night!). He also had to pay it all back. Do NOT continue to give her an allowance. I would try to find what she needed the money for. If she needs more money, can she do extra work? But again, what is it for? I don't have a 14 year old yet, and I'm kind of hoping to just skip 14-21 :o). But if you can find out what the money is for and then decide if she can work for it or needs an even bigger punishment, go whatever route seems fit. Good luck!

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I would bust her out...tell her its not allowed and NO your sister did not tell me. Tell your daughter how you know she is stealing then take that money out of her allowance. if she does it again, she will be grounded, If she continues it then she wont be able to play sports or take her phone away if she has one.
You need to ask her why she is taking it as well. they may be an underlying issue

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First, I would keep my cash away from where she can get to it.

She's at an age now where she only has a few years left at your house before she's out on her own. So this is a perfect opportunity to help walk her through how to review what she's been doing, figure out why, figure out what she should be doing and then how to get that accomplished.

Stealing is a big problem and *she* needs to figure out that it's not a good solution. Otherwise, she'll just tune you out and maybe take the same course of action in a spot where it gets her in trouble.

I like Jane Nelsen when it comes to teens. Here is one quick article from her site. I'm sure there are more: http://tinyurl.com/2bt3y6l

Also, there is a book called "how to talk so teens will listen" that covers communication with teens on a broad range. I'm not sure if stealing is specifically covered, but there are a ton of good tips.

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I think you should make her 'work it off'. Not only the loss of any privileges, like cell phones, football games, movies with friends, etc. Then don't "ground" her, make her understand that she needs to work off what she's taken.

And then on top of it, she needs to understand that bullying her sister into covering for her is completely inappropriate. Make her "help" her sister - with homework, with cleaning her room, etc. She has to learn how to be a GOOD big sister.

Also, work with her to understand why she was stealing from you. This is not a "punishment", it's a Mom-daughter thing. It's a "how could you do this to me, to our family?" "What's so important that you couldn't come talk to me?" This is the ROOT of her stealing and bullying. And address her issues or this will not be a one time problem.

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How about taking something of hers that she values, and then denying it but showing her that you have it? Stealing and lying go hand in hand, since you usually have to lie to cover up. Take her phone, sit down with it in your hand, and then say, "I don't have your phone. Why are you accusing me? I didn't do anything. Someone else must have it. Maybe you left it at school. You probably gave it to someone else, and now you want me to get you a new one. You're going to have to pay for a new one if you don't get it back right now!" You get the idea. How would she feel if it happened to her? It's not about the money. It's mean, and sneaky, and hurtful, and it destroys trust. Now, she not only has to pay the money back, but she has to work hard to rebuild your trust. And don't give the phone back until she gets those lessons. If she's stealing, she has a ways to go to earn your trust again, in all areas. She's undoubtedly doing other things that she's not supposed to be doing.

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At 14, I would honestly be more worried what she was stealing money for; would you lend her money if she wanted to go to a movie? I'd just be worried that she's taking money for purposes other than those you'd approve of (I'm speaking as a HS teacher).

You might want to check in with her teachers and guidance counselor before you figure out how to proceed. If she's doing drugs/drinking, they might see some change in her behavior. You don't want to punish stealing exactly if they underlying issue is more detrimental, in my opinion.

good luck.

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The first and biggest question is -what is she stealing the money FOR? Especially if she gets an allowance, why does she need more money? Sit her down and tell her you know, you know she's threatening her sister and it must stop NOW. Talk to her about stealing from anyone -regardless -and what kind of trouble it will get her into. If she's stealing it for something harmless, then discuss why she needs to budget her allowance better or maybe do some more chores around the house to earn more allowance. It could be for something not so great though, so get to the bottom of that now!

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You don't mention how often she's done this? I remember stealing a few dollars from my mom's purse at about that age. For no reason other than curiosity - would anyone notice? I think I did it twice. No one ever said anything but I stopped doing it because I knew, deep down, it wasn't the right thing to do. That story probably doesn't help you, but if she's only done it a couple of times maybe it's a similar thing. Tell her how disappointed you are in her, and how you've lost your trust in her and she'll have to work really hard to build it back up. When my mom grounded me I was just annoyed, but when she told me she was disappointed in my behavior I was devastated. I also love Cindy's idea of attaching a note to a $20 bill :)

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Hi S., In response...First, try to sit down and discuss this with your daughter. Talk to her and then listen. Try to get to the bottom of why she is stealing in the first place; peer pressure, unhappy with what she has. Next, explain to her that it is wrong to steal, and when we do there are consequences. Try to set up secenarios, or just give hereal life cases of what happens everyday in our society, to people who do this.
Next, tell her that if she does not stop stealing, then she will have to forfeit her allowance to repay you. She needs to learn now before this turns into a serious issue, where she will go outside the home. If you find you need someone to step in, try school counselors, or behavior specialists. You don't want her to continue this behavior, where the law must get involved. She needs to understand that if they do, that will only lead to major unhappiness.
Wishing you and yours all the best, S.

Hi S.,

I would leave a note in your wallet where you usually keep your money - somewhere you know she will see it next time she tries to steal from you. It could say something like, "Since you have been helping yourself to the money in my wallet, I helped myself to your allowance."

It is definitely something to talk about with her. Find out what the money is for, and why she felt like she could not ask you for the money. There could be a very good reason for needing the money, but there is never a good reason for stealing it.

Good luck,
L.

Hello, There is a reason why she is stealing, I pray that you and your daughter would sit down one on one and talk it out. Ask her why do she need extra money. Don't accused her of anything except the taking of the money. Let her know up front that you know that she is stealing and no her sister did not tell you. Whatever the problem is, it isn't to big for you two to handle now before it gets out of hand. I am praying for you both.

Complete deprivation of everything she holds dear, to start with, for an uncomfortable period of time. However, this can backfire if you don;t get to the root of the problem. Kids from all walks of life do things that a parent would never expect, much less believe-hence, the birth of the word "never".
"My child would never do that." Right. All kids are connected to someone who will help them buy cigarettes, drugs, booze, beer, condoms, birth control, etc. This is the horrible reality-flip side is there is a plethora of help available-get it-the sooner the better-and best of luck!

Forget about the stealing for a moment; and figure out where she's spending the money. THERE'S the clue to your problem. The stealing is a symptom, not the disease (which is not to say you should ignore it).

Since I don't know where she's spending the money I'll say no more about that, but here's just another thought to mull over. Look at your own conduct. Do you fudge you income taxes? Borrow things w/o asking? Hide money from your spouse and spend it secretly? Teens are on high alert for all forms of adult dishonesty; if you've got any, be prepared to come clean, in order to help your daughter deal with whatever's going on with her. Good luck.

I would think that putting an end to her allowance would be appropriate. And ground her for 2 weeks.

Hello! I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this.

I've not read the other responses so if I repeat - I'm sorry.

I could be a real mean one and say - call the police, press charges - she needs to learn that her actions have dire consequences - stealing money from mom will lead to bigger things and get her in worse trouble.

If you can't do that - then take her to counseling. Talk to her guidance counselor at school. Chances are - if she's stealing from you - she's stealing from someone else and that other person just might not stand for it and call the police.

Sit her down and talk with her - ask her WHY she is stealing - tell her that is is wrong to take something - ANYTHING - that is NOT yours or you have not earned. What is SOOOO important that she feels the need to steal the money? Ask her what else she has stolen - make an accounting of your jewelry, silver ware, other items that have value - then make her do service to get those items back - i.e. babysitting although this would be scary - if she's stealing from you - would she steal from that family?

Take her to a homeless shelter and have her work there to "give back" what she has taken. NOTHING is worth having to steal for it. PERIOD. It's just like cheating to win - if you had to cheat to win - you never really won.

If she is threatening her younger sister - that HAS to be stopped. If she's into drugs - I know - hard to fathom but not impossible if she's stealing - it can lead to much, much worse.

When you talk to her DO NOT start the conversation off with "YOU ARE..." - state "I've noticed money missing from my wallet - can you tell me where it's gone?" or "tell me what's going on in your life - are there any problems I need to know about? (is it possible she's being bullied in school and has to give them money?) If you start the convo with "you are" she will close up and deflect anything you have to say.

I would also stop carrying cash in your wallet. Sad to say - but don't give her the opportunity. If you can't do that - then put a post-it note on cash in your wallet with something like "stealing is wrong. come to me - we CAN work ANYTHING out. I love you, mom"

I hope something works! I'd hate for you to get a phone call from the police station because she's been arrested for stealing.

your 14 year old is stealing money from your wallet ? you want to know how my grandfather handled a grandson who stole money from his wallet ?
A BELT ! and, you know the boy didnt take money from his wallet again!
gee, i wonder why. stop molly coddiling the child and she will stop stealing from you.
K. h.

i agree with tracey c. i stole money from my parents to buy smokes. i never would have stolen otherwise or from anyone else. i was raised in a family that modelled good behaviour, etc, but i felt like i had to smoke and needed the money to do it. find out on what she's spending money and do so with compassion.

If she's already getting an allowance and she's stealing on top of that, I'm thinking she needs the money for something and you should do whatever it takes to find out what that is. Is she being bullied at school, drugs, etc... She does need to have consequences for the stealing and threatening her sister. Sounds like there are some big issues here and it may take some doing to get to the bottom of it. Put your wallet away so she can't take your money, cut her off of the allowance for however long it takes for you to be paid back what she stole from you, and talk, talk, talk to her. Talk to her teachers as well, see if they see something going on with her at school, any changes they have noticed, who she's hanging with. To me this is a serious issue and as a parent I would do what I have to in order to find out what's going on. Explain to her how her life would change if she were stealing from someone else, a store for example and was to get caught and charges filed. Not only would that affect her life but the WHOLE family as well. My next door neighbor went thru this with their son who was 11 at the time, she put the whole family in "lockdown" for a weekend to show him that if he's caught how it would affect EVERYONE. Their life changes if he's caught, they don't get to go places and do what they want because they're dealing the consequences - their son who stole when he didn't have to. She needs to be shown the consequences of her actions. I have always told my kids, your actions not only affect you they affect everyone around you, and not always in a positive way. And there are consequences to your negative actions so be prepared to face those consequences. He's 19 now and it means more than it did at 13, 14.... Good luck, and don't let her fool you, you'll know if she's being honest with you.

My brother used to do this at that age. Turns out a kid at school was bullying him and threatening to beat him up if he didn't give him money. The other question is if she needs the money for drugs. I think you need to get to the bottom of the issue of why she is taking it because it could be something serious that requires your help and intervention.

Set her up. Mark the bills & let her take the bait. Then when you find the money you have your evidence.

Ground her -- she needs/wants the money to go out and have fun -- or for shopping. No going out or having fun or shopping if you are stealing the money. Also, I might withhold her allowance and tell her to find a job -- even it it's odd jobs or even if it's chores she does for you. So, no fun unless she works for it. She will understand clearly then that other people work for their money and she can't take it without permission.

Updated

Ground her -- she needs/wants the money to go out and have fun -- or for shopping. No going out or having fun or shopping if you are stealing the money. Also, I might withhold her allowance and tell her to find a job -- even it it's odd jobs or even if it's chores she does for you. So, no fun unless she works for it. She will understand clearly then that other people work for their money and she can't take it without permission.

Updated

Ground her -- she needs/wants the money to go out and have fun -- or for shopping. No going out or having fun or shopping if you are stealing the money. Also, I might withhold her allowance and tell her to find a job -- even it it's odd jobs or even if it's chores she does for you. So, no fun unless she works for it. She will understand clearly then that other people work for their money and she can't take it without permission.

Updated

After reading the other responses -- I want to add the following. I would not attempt to "scare her straight" by calling the police and having her arrested especially before talking to her and finding out what's going on. If she is just stealing money to go out and go shopping or hanging with her friends, that might work. But, if she is really in trouble -- she is taking drugs or stealing money for illegal activities, then having her arrested might push her away from you. She'll feel like home isn't a haven for her when she's in trouble or a forgiving place. She might completely withdraw from you or run away. Also, I would not trick her into confessing that she is stealing. Even if calling the police works -- it is a very ugly act. You are bringing in an outside authority to handle what is right now a family issue. It makes the family feel like less than a safe place. You need to confront her and let her know that stealing AND bullying is unacceptable without breaking her trust in you -- you can let her know that the act of stealing breaks your trust in her and that she will need to earn that back. You also need to let the younger daughter know that you will protect her from her sister's bullying -- that the bullying stops now. If she is just stealing because she wants extra cash to flaunt around, then she needs to work to earn that cash, I think, and possibly to pay back what she stole. If there is an underlying, more serious issue, she needs to feel safe enough to confess it to you and then you need to address it together. Either way -- you need to be tough Mom in this situation, but also understanding and completely trustworthy Mom. All the best.

Not a proud recollection from my youth, but when I was her age I would raid my mom's change jar to buy cigarettes.