Teen Dating

i am glad to see i am not the only one with this issue. my son has always been great even during those so called "teen-rebellion" years. during his senior year he had to be home by 10 week day and one on the weekend ... which of course i stayed up to know that he was safely home ... he has now met this girlfriend of 4 months and argues that he should be allowed to stay out until 4 am ... ARE YOU KIDDING ME! honestly i do not think it is my son that is the problem or even honestly wanting to stay out until this time ... my real question is how do you get rid of the girlfriend without hurting your son's feelings or having to watch him be unhappy? good luck and just know you are not alone

I think your curfew is great and wish more people would be as "Strict" as you! I had to be home at 11pm when I was in hisghschool on weekends. My friends had later curfews..to bad for me! Mom's theory was there is nothing to do but trouble at that time! MAybe you could call the girls mother and let her know what your sons curfew is. ALso, let the girlfriend know that if she does not respect your curfew that she will not be welcome and it may cause your son to have earlier curfews...

Hi! My name is R. and I am 29 years old, married 10 years, and have a 2 and 3 year old. The reason I am responding is because I have a younger brother who is a senior in high school this year. My mom has gone through the same stuff. She moved her rules to go with his girlfriend's curfew. It was a mistake. The were able to stay out later and of course with teens, that can lead to unwanted troubles. My mom really wishes she could go back and stick with her original rules. I strongly suggest you keep to your own rules. You can always let him stay out later for special events or whatever, but once you loosen the reigns, it's much harder to tighten back up. Hope this helps. R.

It's been awhile since I was in high school (over 10 years), but my parents had pretty "strict" curfews as well. Yours sound right on the money to me. One thing my parents always said to me, was that if there was something special going on, like my girlfriends and I wanted to watch a movie that got done a 1/2 hour or so after curfew, I could always call them and ask to stay out later that night. I rarely asked, but when I did, they allowed me. They just wanted to know where I was/who I was with/what I was doing, and I always had to check in with them when I got home to let them know I was home. Because they allowed some flexibility, I rarely felt the curfew was too early. Kudos for setting a good example for your kids!

I'm probably being redundant with the majority of others here, but if these curfews work for you, then stick with them. Also, if she stayed at your house past your personal curfew, you have every right to tell her it's time to leave - it's a great way to emphasize to both of the teens that both sets of parents have rules that are to be followed.

It's frustrating when your kid's friends don't have the same guidelines as you give your own, but it's bound to happen. I haven't run into it yet with my teen, but as a teen, I had a boyfriend whose parents didn't give a rat's patootey when he came home. What it taught me was that if he couldn't respect my parent's wishes...he wasn't respecting me.

It was a great lesson to learn.

Hi L.,
I have to commend you. my oldest is only 13(boy) and I also have 3 girls ages 12-4. I must say I think you are doing nothing wrong in setting the curfews you have. I also think it's great because he is a boy. I think parents are leaner on boys. I couldn't imagine letting my daughter stay out that late. Maybe the weekend is different but definetly not on a school night. I also think you have a reasonable curfew for the weekend also. You are a good parent because you set limits for your child and don't let them run the streets. I intend to be the same way. Good Luck!!

L.

Hi L.,

I have a 16 yr old son too, so I can truly relate. I also work for a 24/7 crisis hotline and receive many calls, many IMs and many emails especially from teens for a multitude of reasons.

What I've learned is that... all teenagers really do appreciate it (even though they may not tell you this themselves or realize it at the time) when their parents are the reason why they have to say "no" or why they have to "go home", etc. (They might even ask you, beg you, plead in front of their friends/girlfriend for you to say "yes" - even though they're secretly hoping that you would still say "no").

Truthfully, All Teens need Supervision, Curfews, Consistency, Boundaries, Accurate Information about STDs, STIs, STVs, pregnancy, etc.

Also, you wrote that they "lost track of time" -- Did you and/or your husband not realize that she was still there? past 9:30p? If his curfew is 9:30p then do you agree that it would be appropriate for her to leave at 9:30p?

Best ~ K.

Hey, if you have rules that your both comfortable with.. why change?? You'll always run into kids with different sets of rules.. and I refuse to adapt to the neighborhood.. they are not ultimately responsible for my children.

My kids have many friends with unlimited bedtimes and unlimited curfews. I don't see this as healthy and refuse to budge. Kids, even teens, need sleep for school. Just because the Jones down the street have different rules, I have to stick to my guns and keep to what I know is right for us.

Your talkin to another mom who is known in the neighborhood as "mean and strict".. but I don't want the kids running wild, want to know where they are at all times, and know that they are safe and healthy. That's all that's important to me.. and I know the kids and us go round and round about bedtimes, curfews.. but hey.. I'm the mom! LOL

Hang tough honey.. he'll thank you for it in the long run. And that's the big goal.. the long run.

I definitely think you are right on with the curfews. I think that I would definitely get to know the girlfriends parents a little better. You NEED to know who your kids are hanging out with and where they come from. You're showing him boundaries and stability; something ALL kids should have. I think it's rather sad that the parents of a teenage girl are letting her set her own curfew, especially in this day and age. As I said before though, you should get to know the parents and make sure you're getting the whole story. She may not want to sound stupid and tell your son that she got in trouble.

I think 9:30 on a school night is reasonable...except if he's truely out studying, working a job or something else pre-approved. At that age, things are going to come up. 11:30 on weekends is a little tight considering some after game school dances don't even start till 10 and last till midnight. What about Homecoming and Prom, for example? Maybe you can take some events on an individual basis. I know it's SCARY letting them go out and do stuff...I have 2 girls, 13 & 16. Does your son drive yet? That's been my hardest issue. Anyway, if his grades are good, he turns in assignments on time and seems to have good habits, seems to have other acceptable friends, does some house chores and is a reasonable person to be around in all other ways, I'd try to trust him with 30 more minutes at least. P.

Well I am still young so this may or may not help. When I was 17 I had no curfew but I was always home early out of respect to my parents. My parents would let me be on my own only if I told them where I was going to be and who I was with. If you trust his girlfriend and him to make the right decisons then I would lend some slack on the weekday curfew. Mayb till 10:30 or 11:00. Set a standard on your son maybe. I am just a new parent but I know that I just went through that with my parents not that long ago..
A. aka Sweetpea

L.,

I remember when I was in high school that my curfew was 10:00pm on week nights. I don't think that you are being too strick and I think that you did the right thing about telling your son that if he would have done the same thing that he would have been in trouble. I don't think that you should worry about your son unless he breaks curfew - trust him.

If your son is trustworthy maybe think about easing his curfew on weeknights to 10:00pm or even 10:30pm, but it's all about the trust that you have with your son. Trust in how you raised him.

If you are worried about this girl staying too late at your house on school nights set up boundaries about where in the house they are allowed to be and how late your son is allowed to have visitors.

Hi L..

Just wanted to let you know that I don't think your curfew is too strict. My sons (ages 14, 15 and 16) all have to be in at 9 pm on school nights. Weekends are determined by the activity, but usually end up being around 10 or 10:30 pm. My sons' friends all have 9:30 pm curfews for week nights.

Infinite Blessings!
Kristy

As a high school teacher, my advice would be to stick to what you have, as well as ask the girlfiend to leave when she is at your home past the curfew. On a school night, they need to do their school work, spend time with family, and get the rest they need to be able to learn the next day. On the weekend, nothing good happens past 11:30 p.m. You want your son home!

As a teacher, I hear things from students that parents don't. Be as strict as you can, there are lots of crazy things going on!

I think you school night curfew is fine. I think with our kids when they were that age it was 10:00. That also meant that the phone was not to ring after 10:00 as it wakes other people up.

I think that your weekends could be expanded a bit. Maybe to midnight. I like to base the curfew on what they are doing to. If they want to go to a drive in, well they will be home later.

I have a senior in high school. He has had girlfriends also in the past but school nights there were no dating. Weekends were different. If i were you i would tell your son no not during the week. We would take the kids and then the other parents would pick up.My son just recently got his licenses.There is still no dating during the week. education comes first.!!!!!

MY self have three teenagers I leasrned if you are to hard on them then they start to turn on you and not really listen to you they just act like they do. ALL I can tell you is you love him give him a little more space it does work but not to much okay. Thats what I did and all three of my teenager come to me and talk to me and ask me about what is the best time for them to come home it works GOOD LUCK FRIEND.
M. M
Battle Creek

Stick to your guns on this one. I had a 12:00 curfew on weekends. I knew that if I didn't make it in by 11:45 and let Mom know that I was home, I was in big trouble. I don't really recall weeknights being an issue. Understand this was a long time ago---I'm 42 now :) The only thing I remember doing outside of the house on weeknights were church activities and the occasional school choir concert.
Don't feel out of place by enforcing the 9:30 weeknight curfew even when the girl is over. She needs to learn to respect your house rules. They aren't necessarily "your rules", they are "household policies that they whole family follows". I vividly remember my dad (loudly) announcing the current time. Didn't take long for boyfriend to figure it out and head on home.
I have a neighbor that is a police officer. He said this about the night shift. "The only people out on the night shift are the ones up to no good and the ones trying to take care of the ones that are up to no good"
Blessings!
S.

I REALLY FEEL YOU SHOULD STICK TO YOUR RULES. I FEEL THEY ARE SUFFICIENT TIMES FOR A JUNIOR SCHOOL CHILD TO BE IN. I HAVE A 13YR OLD BOY AND I MAKE HIM BE IN BY THE SAME EXACT TIMES. OCCASIONALLY ON THE WEEKEND IF HE IS GOING TO SOMETHING SPECIAL I WILL LET IT SLIDE TO 12:00AM BUT NO LATER AND HE KNOWS THAT. DO YOU KNOW MUCH ABOUT THIS GIRL OR HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER PARENTS? IT SOUNDS TO ME THAT YOUR SON SHOULD BE CAREFUL WITH THIS GIRL. IF HER PARENTS DON'T CARE WHAT SHE IS DOING THEN SHE IS GOING TO PROBABLY GET INTO SOME TROUBLE DOWN THE LINE AND I HATE TO SEE YOUR SON GETTING IN TROUBLE WITH HER. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER PARENTS AND FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF RULES THEY HAVE FOR HER. LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU MAKE SURE YOUR SON IS IN THE HOUSE AT 9:30 ON WEEKDAYS AND YOU JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE WHAT TIME THAT YOU SHOULD SEND HER HOME SO SHE DON'T GET IN TROUBLE. HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT. (A.)

School night is a school night. I think the 9:30pm curfew is very reasonable! As far as 11:30pm on the weekends--what is there for a high schooler to do after 11:30pm that doesn't involve getting into trouble? Stick to your curfews--I think you're in the right!

Maybe you could try to tell him that his cerfew includes having guests over. That if his cerfew is 9:30, his guest needs to be out of the house at this time. Also calling her parents may be a good idea, and try to explain to them the cerfew you have set for your son, and work together.
Also this may seem harsh, but when I was younger, if I was late on cerfew my parent would subtract how late I was, and that would be my new cerfew for the week. So if my cerfew was at 10, and I came home at 12, my new cerfew for the week would be 8. It was tough, but it worked!
In my parents doing this I learned that it just wasn't about the time to be home it was also about the respect that I had for them. But the age of 16 my parents no longer needed to give me a cerfew, they just asked me to be home at a Respectable Hour, and I always was.
Parenting is to be a parent and not a friend! Junior High is still a very young age. You are doing the right thing to tell your son to be in at 9:30.

I have two teenagers also. I dont have curfews. I go by the situation. Every situation is different. Except for on school nights. My kids have to be in at dark time. Unless they are at a friends. Then they have to be home around 9:00. Homework and sleep are very important. On the weekends, I dont know if your being to strick. I would say if you and your husband are comfortable with your timing then stick to it. What do they really have to be out past 11:30 for anyways, just to get into trouble. Go with your heart!!

Stand your ground and enforce your rules. If we all followed other parents rules the world would be extremely worse!