Teaching My 10 Year Old to Be a Good Friend

Hi,
Did something happen at school today to change her mind? Maybe other friends made fun of her for going to spend the night. Especially when there is an ill child other kids can be cruel. Your daughter may be vacillating because she feels her other friends are trying to make her feel bad for being a good friend. I know you have many things to teach your daughter about being a friend but I think if she is not emotionally ready to face an all nighter with someone that has an illness she doesn't understand may increase her fear of witnessing a seizure. Perhaps you guys can try again when she is a bit more stabilized. Her simple reason for not going is that maybe someone told her what a seizure looks like and now she is scared to see her friend in that condition. Honestly a 10 year old does not normally have the emotional tools to deal with a seizure or it's aftermath without long term exposure to them. Excitement took over and she probably said yes remembering how her friend was before and she was tickled about getting to spend time with her but the reality probably set in and she just is not ready. You can apologize for the cancellation to the other mom and just say that your daughter decided she is not ready to spend the night but maybe a trip to the movie or a rental and a bag or two of popcorn might be fun. As a mother to a special needs child the biggest problems I have seen from special needs children, whether it is an illness or a disability, is the loss of friends and the lack of ability to get people to look past their illness/disability.

You are not wrong to be angry but you also can't force children to deal with things they are not emotionally ready to handle without experience. Yes, her friend will be hurt but how hard would it be if your daughter was there and she had a grand mal seizure? The other mom would be so focused on what was going on with her own daughter there would be no emotional support for your daughter. I think the guilt trip may have gone a little overboard but mothers are good at that. Don't stress about it, just tell the mom your daughter is not ready yet. You can apologize for getting the girl's hopes up but you can't apologize for your daughter's feelings.

Don't know if that helps out but it's my opinion. You are doing the right thing to teach her to honor her word, however, you can't negate your daughter's feelings and only pay attention to the friend's. In her own way, she told you she could not handle this activity right now. I think after a few more visits to the friend will allow your daughter to not be as afraid. Once your daughter understands that the medication will help manage the seizures and the friend does better and better she might be more comfortable. Then maybe you can have the friend over to your house a few times for movies or fun and see how it goes.
C.

Honestly if it has been me, I would told her no.

She may be scared of the possibility that her friend will have a seizure while she is there, that she may be contagious in that context(who knows how kids minds work), or that they may get caught up on something with caring for a sick child and it won't be the same as it is during the day. It could even be someone at school said something that made her second guess herself on this decision.

I know I had one that just got caught up in the moment and then changed her mind later. I just tell her no on things like this because it is not fair to others and she has not fully matured to the point of realizing others are relying on her.
I agree that they need to learn to stick to a decision but not by practicing on other people's situations and feelings. It needs to start with smaller things like going somewhere with you, doing a chore, etc. There was a lot riding on this decision it sounds like.

I feel for all of you, but I am not sure a 10 yr old is ready to deal with the impact of such an ill friend for that extent. Of course this is jmho.

Good luck,

M.,

I don't think you are wrong. I think it was a teachable moment. Your daughter has to learn early in life that it is important to keep her words, and commitments. This is part of building a good character. Next time, I will probably make her sign a statement that binds her to the commitment, and explain to her that once she signs; she must follow through.
You'll be grooming her for real life by doing this. Good luck, and I hope this helps.

R.

Personally, I dont see where else our children learn to honor their word. You couldn't have made her feel as bad as she made her friend feel. I am willing to bet other girl's at school haven't been as supportive to Alyssa as your daughter. While it isn't your daughter's job to be the only support system the other little girl has, she should do what she says she is going to do regardless.

Being a mom is so hard to know what the right thing is. I hate being a mean mom, but I don't want to be run over mom either.

You gave her the options. I would have probably made her go, even if it were just a couple of hours. I would tell my child I love her and explain why it upset me. I would also ask her to think of how bad she felt with my anger words and how bad her friend must have felt.

It seems like once kids get to a certain age they forget to think of others. My oldest is 12 (boy) and he has changed considerably in this aspect with age. Teen years...YIKES!

Good luck! Maybe your daughter will reconsider and call her friend and ask to come play. I think too when our kids start changing friends, it scares us. It is like they have this great pal and your so happy you don't have the worries of other parents on that aspect and one tif or spat later, it is a whole new situation. I can't even think of all the different friends I had or were friends and then stop being friends and then went back to being friends LOL! aahh the drama of being young!

Take care-you are doing a wonderful job!

A.
www.WorkAtHomeUnited.com/aprilhinton

I feel your pain. I have three rugrats myself. Oldest is a daughter (12). We feel very stongly about staying committed to our word also. We just had a BIG ordeal about commitment this wkend. Our daughter wanted to skip her school practice and soccer game to attend a carnival. We told her no and she had a melt down like I'd never seen. We allowed her to go to the carnival in between her commitments. It worked out fine and she was very happy that she did not skip out on her practice and game.
Now I say all that to say this; when it comes to honoring your word when a group is depending on you, fine. But, anytime my daughter would rather stay home I want her to do so. I would never allow her to say she's spending the night w/ one friend and then say no to stay with someone else. But if she would rather stay home and not go to anyone's house then I don't feel I need to make excuses - she just simply wants to stay home w/ her family and that's great!! I liked your compromise, go visit her friend for a while and then come home.....
Don't beat yourself up aboout it...these rugrats did not come with a manual....ha

I agree with you, and your a great mom to recognize that this is an issue to work on. When my kids committ to something I have them carry through, because this is the time in life when these values are instilled and also by watching us. Have her carry through. She'll have the decision later to think before she commits. You'll instill in her the need to slow down for others and to stay real to the commitments she makes. You don't want her to grow up being the one noone can depend on. Your doing a great job with your daughter.

I think you did the right thing by making her aware of it. Ten years old is definitely old enough to understand being responsible..
I have mentioned Dr Dobson alot in my responses to people but I really think he knows what he's talking about. Anyway, here's a piece of an article I found on his website. www.family.org

The Social Legacy
In order to prosper, our children need to gain the insights and social skills necessary to cultivate healthy, stable relationships. As children mature, they must learn to relate to family members, teachers, peers and friends. Eventually they must learn to relate to coworkers and many other types of people such as salespeople, bankers, mechanics and bosses.

Nowhere can appropriate social interaction and relationships be demonstrated more effectively than in the home. At home you learned — and your children will learn — lessons about respect, courtesy, love and involvement. Our modeling as parents plays a key role in passing on a strong social legacy.

Key building blocks of children’s social legacy include:

1. Respect, beginning with themselves and working out to other people.
2. Responsibility, fostered by respect for themselves, that is cultivated by assigning children duties within the family, making them accountable for their actions, and giving them room to make wrong choices once in a while.
3. Unconditional love and acceptance by their parents, combined with conditional acceptance when the parents discipline for bad behavior or actions.
4. The setting of social boundaries concerning how to relate to God, authority, peers, the environment and siblings.
5.Rules that are given within a loving relationship