First I was going to ask a question about the lack of questions lately then I thought, nope I'm going to ask about a situation I am looking at for our family.
I am looking at entering the workforce after a 15 years of being a stay at home mom, default parent and caretaker of elderly family. I never thought I would be looking to enter the workforce again as my DH makes good money for us to live on and things run smoothly the way things have been...I did keep my credentials current though in case illness, loss of employment or something happened where I needed to go back to work. Now with college looming in four years and although we live comfortably there is very little in college savings.
I had some very clear things that would have to be in place for me to even apply for a job (unless I HAD to go back to work)...three pretty specific things. And literally this one has all three and the opening just fell in my lap as a long term volunteer commitment ended and I have been left with a lot of open time during the day.
I applied and had a mini-phone interview and today I have an in person interview. I will admit I have some nerves, but am excited at the same time. My field doesn't change much just newer software and I pick up that pretty quick.
My question is I am concerned about my kids after school. One will be starting high school in the fall and is 14...he is very responsible and has multiple activities that will keep him busy after school with the ability to get to and from them without me. He studies a lot and makes straight-As. He is very serious about doing well in high school.
My biggest concern is my 12 year old middle school girl she is in after school activities at her school...we have a strong group of family and friends who have already stepped up to tell me they would help me with her after school for picking up and taking her home. I would pay them for gas and time. Most days it would be me and help wouldn't be needed; however, 18 weeks out of the year I would be pulling 12 hour days (3 different times at 6 weeks at a time). My DH already does 10-12 hour days every day M-F. We are both concerned about too much unsupervised time after school.
How do you working moms handle all the unsupervised after school time? Their ages make it a bit harder and I am honestly going back to work for two reasons if I get the job...to make money to help with college costs and the satisfaction of working in my field again which I have really missed. But am I sacrificing my kid's adolescences in the process...???
Thanks guys...lay it on me, you guys can be brutal...but I love ya'll!!
Have you ever been to a job interview that listed the job as one thing and was really another? I left knowing I was not the person they were looking for...the position was not in my wheelhouse. Honestly it was a bit of a relief. They said they would call me next week either way, but if they never called it would be okay. Thanks for all the advise and thoughts on going back to work...maybe I'll try and find something part-time to start back.
After school activities keeps them busy and gives them little time to get into trouble.
Middle and high school have clubs kids get involved with.
There's also taekwando - around here the middle school and high school have buses which will drop kids off at taekwondo after school.
rules and boundaries are very important.
You need to tell the kids what you expect of them and how you expect them to behave. You need to ensure they know their schedule and who is picking them up and taking them where they need to be.
You need to be specific about who is allowed in the house and who is not. Sometimes it's just easier to say 'no friends over without an adult present'.
You are not sacrificing adolescence. You are giving them the power to make decisions and act as a "grown up" as they are fast becoming young adults. They need to be shown trust but at the same time EARN the trust. It's a fine balance.
Good luck!
While I work from home? My kids have stayed home alone since they were 12. They know what my expectations are. They know NO ONE is allowed in the house. PERIOD. If Grammy comes over? Fine. But no friends.
At 12 and 15 years old. They should be doing housework and helping prepare meals. This will give them this opportunity.
You need to make a list and post it where everyone can see it.
Get a menu in place for the week. If it means that you and your family prep on the weekend for the following week's food? So be it. But it helps to have a plan in place.
Schedules need to be posted. Coordination of pick up and drop off is important. Communication is key. Ensure your kids have cell phones to contact you and know what the difference is between "hey I just wanted you to know" and "it's an emergency".
My kids have sports and other things after school. My oldest is home from college and he has to work to help support himself during the school year. And he knows he is expected to help around the house and take his youngest brother to his sporting events/training. He doesn't get to lounge around the house and say "I've got the summer off".
In regards to this interview? I wish you much luck! I think it would be good for you and your family. Let the kids spread their wings and move closer to adulthood and know how things work and what it takes to keep the household going.
Good luck!
Sounds like an opportunity for all to move into a new phase. Let them know that you're doing this for you own fulfillment (it's okay if they know that Mom is a person, you know?), and also for the welfare of the family (specifically their college futures).
And 12 is a good time for kids to start showing their responsibility at home, just around the time that they want to go to movies and the mall by themselves.If she can handle herself at home where she knows the rules and the expectations, she'll be more apt to handle things responsibly elsewhere.
Kids this age can, and should, start managing their own homework. That doesn't mean you don't help a little with organizing a timetable for long range assignments and projects or putting a checklist by the door, but you shouldn't be doing a daily supervision of "Did you do your math? What about English?" and so on. Kids can start to experience the consequences of not doing the work - and this is the age when every grade doesn't count for college. Don't tell her that, but let her fail a little now and then, and be able to pick herself up and figure out a way to not do it again.
I think you do need to be vigilant with teens overall, because they are certainly confronted by sex, drugs, booze and everything else. But how in the world will they magically be independent at 18 if they don't practice it from 12 on?
It's also okay (and beneficial!) if they know that things aren't free - activity fees, clothes, gas, food, snacks, and so on. So what you and your husband do makes those things possible. And both kids can learn to do laundry, set the table, clean the bathroom, and make lunches. Even if you were staying home full time, I'd say it's time to learn skills.
And maybe it would be possible for your husband to not always do 12-13 hour days? Is there any wiggle room for him to compromise in some way? If he's successful, will his boss be flexible at all?
You can actually start to work with a family counselor or a family life coach to help prioritize what will get done, what won't, and in what order. Just a few sessions with an objective viewpoint can be so helpful!
Good luck and congrats on your new phase!
If you 12 year old not capable of taking care of herself and staying out of trouble? At 12 both my boys where by themselves all summer while my husband and I worked. And my youngest started homeschooling (for many reasons) in 7th grade while we still worked full time. Unless she is just totally irresponsible there should not reason she can not stay home alone. Just be sure and make time for them when you are home. Good luck with this change!
Sounds like the perfect opportunity for her to learn some skills and show you how responsible she can be.
Has she stayed home alone yet? When our oldest needed to be able to ride the bus home from school and come home to an empty house, we made sure he was ready to be alone. I started with running to the store to get a couple of items and made sure I was gone about 30 minutes. Then I stretched that out to an hour. I wanted him to feel confident (and not scared). After that we just talked about our expectations (text me when you get home, lock the door, don't use the stove, make sure you answer the phone if Mom or Dad calls) and made sure he knew where the snacks were :-)
Honestly, they need you to do this for them, because they need to practice taking care of themselves and they need to know that you know they can do it. They don't need to be scheduled all the time, and they need to learn how to manage unscheduled time. You might need to be extra vigilant about checking up on homework, but your kids need to learn how to hold themselves accountable.
This situation sounds like a great place to start.
I think it sounds like a great opportunity. Do you have neighbors who you can talk with? During those 18 weeks, if there is an older high school girl who could come to be with your daughter after school, make dinner, and do homework (the high schooler could do her homework while your daughter does the same).
(I'm assuming that your son's activities will prevent him from being home with your daughter. If your son will be home, then it might be a good opportunity for him to step up and learn to cook a little bit. If you do this, I would suggest paying him, the same way that you would pay someone else to do it, and frame it to him as a job with responsibilities, not a favor or family chore).
Forget the help and what grades your kids get, and activities outside of school.
So 1/3 of the year, you'd both be potentially working 12 hour days - and is there a commute? I would just be very realistic. There's meal prep and all the extra stuff (laundry at night, errands to run. .) that you're probably doing during the day. It's busy.
I've done both. Of course, most people don't have the choice. So people make this happen and kids thrive either way. Most kids don't know what it's like to have a mom home. I agree, it's great for kids to see mom fulfilled. I'm home due to circumstances a lot of the time and I miss it too when I'm not working.
The thing is, I have found that older kids require parents to be around just as much, if not more (college prep, talking about futures, going for part time jobs, girlfriend troubles, etc.) than younger kids who just need help setting up playdates and shuttling to activities. There's a whole lot of listening and the odd bit of guidance.
One of mine said that he liked I'm just here. That shocked me - and I think working moms of course can be there too - they don't have to be home during the day, but if no one is home in evenings for long stretches ... or they're wiped out (understandable if you're both going full tilt) ... it's a busy time is what I'm saying - those teen years.
You may find you're busy when you go back, and your hubby's position may intensify as he moves up in his career. Just consider that.
It sounds like a wonderful opportunity - I'm just pointing out some possibilities. I think it does sound terrific, and I'm sure your kids can handle it. There's always weekends, and other times to get stuff done. Kids can help out too and that helps them learn responsibility, as I'm sure you're already doing :)
Mine are a bit older (my older ones) - so just sharing that I find our lives are busier than I expected.
If this is the first offer you've had, just wondering if you might find something that could be a better fit? Or take this and keep your ears open if it turns out to be too hectic?
I guess you know your family and just weigh the pros and cons. If you don't have a long commute, maybe it's very doable. Maybe the kids will be in activities and it won't make much of a difference anyhow.
Good luck :) Congratulations on the offer!
ETA - saw your SWH. Sounds like wasn't quite the right 'fit' but good to know there are opportunities out there, and must be good to know that, and good experience to interview :) The right thing will come along, and now you're prepared for it when it comes!
sounds like a terrific opportunity to me.
i never felt that i had to hover over my kids while they did schoolwork. i'd assign them their work at the beginning of the week, and it was totally up to them how and when they did it. much of the time they were here at home on their own while i was at work. i believed strongly that figuring out how to organize their time responsibly (and with flexibility as each week looked very different) was a hugely important skill for them to learn, and that to learn it, they had to do it.
i'm not quite sure what you mean by 'sacrificing your kids' adolescences.' are you worried about you, not being able to spend time with them? it's the endless nailbiting dilemma of the working parent. the only solution i know for this is to make sure that the time you spend with them is good time.
if your worry is that they'll goof off or get into trouble without constant supervision, i think you need to dig more deeply into how to help your kids move from dependent little children to responsible young adults. if they can't be trusted, or are afraid of being alone, or have a history of bad decisions, then you've got a tougher decision to make.
khairete
S.
I left the workforce to be a stay at home mom 18 years ago and don't regret it as I was able to be there for my daughter at all times. Is it possible for you to find a part time job instead of one that demands overtime? You kids are perhaps a little too young and I would wait out a couple more years until your oldest is 16 so he can help look after the youngest or have a drivers license to help with transportation when needed. Friends are handy but I prefer not to make them feel obligated for daily favors. Do you and your husband plan to pay for their whole college tuition? If your son is an A student then he can apply for many scholarships and of course there are student loans in the event scholarships won't be enough. To summarize, if you need to work I would wait either for a part time job or a job with better work hours, at least for the next two years.
Can you clarify if you would be home after school the other 34 weeks of the year? If so, sounds like it’s worth taking the job. 1/3 of the year will be tough but you’ll have options and can plan ahead well. Maybe even one day a week during that time your husband leaves work a little early. If it’s 12 hour days the 18 weeks though and you’d only be home by 5 or 6:00 the other 34 weeks, I’d wait. I’m sure you can see how much kids like to talk after school about what happened during their days etc. I work but semi part time so I am home after school every day and my kids seem much more apt to talk then versus later when they want to focus on homework or just chill. They are about same ages as yours. I’ll also say first year of HS can be a big transition so even though your son is busy and all, it’d be nice in the beginning if you’re home some when he finishes school. Then of course your daughter is getting into her teen years which can be hard. So I think it depends on your hours the other 34 weeks.
It’s called after school childcare or activities.
They are teens, as long as you trust them to follow your rules they are fine to be home alone for a few hours.
If your 12 year old is in middle school after care may not be offered. If it is I would check in to that and if not check to see if the bus drop her off at an elementary school for after care? I know there are kids that attend my daughters middle school that are dropped off at the elementary schools for after care.
If that is not an option set ground rules. My daughter is 12 too so there are ground rules when she is home by herself. 1. Do not answer the door for anyone. 2. Do not go outside for any reason unless there is a fire. 3. Do not use the stove or oven only the microwave. 4. Do your homework which I check when I get home if it's not done privileges are taken away. 5. After turning the burglar alarm off turn it back on.
My daughter is a pretty good kid and I haven't had a problem with her following the rules. At this age staying home alone makes them feel more responsible so they don't want to disappoint you. Let her know that you trust her and how proud you are of her. Stroking the ego sometimes wins. While she is out for the summer let her stay home by herself while you run a few errands. This will be a test to if she will be ok staying home. I know you are worried but it is time to trust your daughter. You may find that she will mature. Good luck!
