Stepmom Helping SD Buy a Gift for Mom

1st let me say, I wish my daughters step mom was like you, lol. I know my daughter feels bad about not getting anything for me for Christmas (she's 8) last year she acted sad and asked "why aren't any present for you under the tree?" (I am a single mom) and ... I really didn't know what to say. Before my ex got engaged I always took our daughter to buy him a present for his b-day or Christmas. But anyway, that is really weird if she's not a mean person. Since you have an ok relationship with her I guess I'd just call her and let her know that her daughter is trying to pick a very special gift for her and maybe she can point you in the right direction?

I don't have any answers for you, but I'd just like to commend you and your SD on your thoughtfulness and tenacity! As a child, I would be heartbroken if my mom didn't at least pretend that the gift I gave her was the cat's meow! I do like what the other moms below said regarding giving the mom and call and feeling her out for that special gift...

First of all let me say what a great influence you are in this girls' life!

(I do find it odd that your husband wouldn't be willing to help his daughter pick something out for her mother though.)

How about this idea...this year, before you take her shopping, call her mom. Tell her jjst what you've said, that "Suzy has mentioned that she needs to find something you really, really, really like this year b/c she feels like you don't like what she picks out for you..." This will go a long way. It's odd that a mom wouldn't fuss over a gift from her own child, no matter the gift.

Even if mom hates the present, she should come off as LOVING it because her daughter picked it out or made it. The stuff with her daughter's pictures should definately be appreciated and showed off. It is hurting her daugther's feelings and she may not realize it. My guess is the holidays seem "blah" to her (just from what you described).

Maybe a quick phone call to say "Susie wants to go shopping for you but seems disappointed that you haven't really liked past presents. I would like to help her find something that you will love but I don't know you that well". See what she says.

Wow- you are the nicest Stepmom EVER. Seriously, lol. My husband and I have a good working relationship with my ex and his wife, but I have never taken my son to get his father a gift. I have always just sort of felt like that was his stepmom's department and even something they might enjoy doing together. In reality, she does not take him anywhere alone, although they get along well and he is almost 11, so not little and difficult to shop with. But she only really interacts with him as a 3 part unit when his dad is there. His father actually gave me a hard time once because the school had made a Mother's Day craft and he had not also received a Father's Day craft! So you are really going the extra mile, IMO.

But enough about me- This is hard, because you do not want the giving of the gift to be something that ends up HURTING your SD's feelings and it sounds like that is what is happening. Even if you have a decent relationship with the mom, this would be very awkward to bring up.

What about a gift card for something your SD and the mom can DO together? A jewelry making class or cooking class or one of those Paint a Pot places? That way it is a gift- but something that she and her daughter will spend time DOING? That might help the mom accept 'ownership' of the gift a little better.

It sounds to me like possibly the mom is uncomfortable with the gift because she knows that in a sense it is coming from you. I am sure she knows you mean well, and wants to make her daughter happy, but at the same time, we all have those weird little jealousies that are hard to get rid of and sometimes they flare up in ways that we don't mean.

You could talk to the mom about how her daughter's feelings are being hurt- but she is likely to just think you are 'projecting' or trying to guilt her or make her feel bad. (I know you are not, but I think that is how it would be taken, unfortunately.)

Do you have ANY kind of relationship with any of your former in-laws? A grandma or aunt etc. that you are not on bad terms with? If you do at all, I would approach them and very delicately explain the situation.

Just make it clear that this is about your Stepdaughter's happiness and wanting to give her mom a gift and that you feel that the mom is just feeling it is awkward because you are also associated with it. You could even offer to still pay for the gift- but see if an aunt or other relation would be willing to take your SD shopping for it and make sure that the mom knows that is how it went down.

Good luck- these types of situations are always sticky and people cannot help bringing their own emotions into it. But as I said, you are a GREAT stepmom for putting so much thought and effort into this issue and helping your sd out this way. It seems like the least her mom could do would be meet you halfway, but maybe she just can't see it from that perspective. Please let us all know how it works out!

It sounds like for starters, she's not a sentimental person. Some people are that way and just aren't into photos and personalized memory type of gifts. If she's not a mean-spirited person, then that may be what's going on.

Could you ask your husband what were his ex-wife's interests (sports, crafting, outdoor activities, etc.)? That may help you zero in on something. Another thought is just to give a Visa or Amazon gift card and let her choose something and then have your daughter select a small item to go with it.

I would give her a call and be honest (sort of). Let her know that your SD mentioned that her mom doesn't really like the presents she has picked-out and that you figured you would ask her for something specific.

When she says "I don't need anything" suggest that SD could "give" her mom a manicure and then spend your time with SD teaching her how to file, buff and paint. Purchase a nice bottle of neutral polish and "stuff" to do nails. Have SD make a few coupons for a manicure. Put it all in a nice gift bag and there you go.

You're a very thoughtful person and I'm sure your SD has a great time shopping with you. If mom doesn't "use" the coupons, the go ahead and ask SD to do yours!

My mom was just like your stepdaughter's mom! It finally got to the point where I told my mom that it really hurt me when she never used the gifts I got her and I felt like they weren't appreciated. If I got her jewelry, she never wore it...if I got her a mug, she never used it...it was so frusterating and hurtful! The reason she gave as to why she never used them is: she didn't want to break the mug, or lose the jewelry because it actually meant more to her than I could ever imagine...I told her I would much rather her use them and break/lose them then have them sit in the cupboard or jewelry box. Maybe her mom has that sort of thinking. I would definitely suggest having her talk to her mom and let her know how this hurts her...it's a hard conversation to have, but well worth it in the end! If your stepdaughter doesn't feel like she can have this conversation with her mom, maybe your hubby will help out and talk to her!

I agree with all the other posters who are saying that you're doing a great thing.

Maybe "mom" is reading it like this: SD goes on about how much fun you and see have going out and buying the gift. Maybe it's the only gift that she gets under the tree. So instead of it being a really nice thing that she can appreciate, it becomes a reminder of the relationship that you have with her daughter, and she gets jealous. Or it is a reminder of the fact that her ex has moved on. Maybe that he has "another family" and she doesn't. It's possible that the gift is inadvertently making her sad. Honestly, and I'm nowhere near that position, I think that it would make me sad too.

Still, you don't want to be in a position where your SD is getting hurt by honestly trying to do the right thing. (And you too! Again, you are being really great here). I don't know what your husband's relationship with his ex is like, but, if they can have a civil conversation, I think that he should call her. After all, this should really be about what they can both do, as parents, to support your SD having a happy holiday.

Good luck.

Can you call the mom and find out? Let her know how hard her daughter tries to please her and how hurt she is by her reactions? If she truly doesn't want anything, maybe just a card?

keep it up honey, i do the same for my sd's (perfer my husband to, but he dont like it-it's a girl thing), and i've helped my daughter pick things for her sm even though i HATE that woman (we don't ne more cause his family makes sure she has somethign to give her every year now) and she and i are like a flame to gasoline. if the sd wants to keep picking gifts for mom leave that totally up to her. if mom is not appreciative that's her problem, you're showing sd true spirit of gift giving and that's what counts. i wouldn't contact mom yourself, let sd or your husband handle that...just keep doing what you're doing, eventually sd will "see" and stop, or surprise you one day or what ever.

wow what a witch. not appreciating anything from your kids. have her daughter check out her clothing situation. does she need bath towels? ask the sd what she is always complaining about having to cut veggies maybe not enough pans anything. maybe a plant or something like that. otherwise I would give her a gift card with something little. ask her what mom likes. does she like dancing? marial arts? going to curves? man i couldnt be that unappreciateve to my kid. if mom is nice to you ask why she doesnt use certain things. she may not use scented body wash cause of allergies. I wouldnt use that and that is why. make her a basket of needed items that your daughter knows she will use. shampoo conditioner and pull the brands that mom uses at home only. body wash toothpaste deodrant etc. good luck poor kid. she is going to give up on mom

Gift cards for salon/spa...?

There are SO MANY smells from the bath stores that I cannot stand. I don't like it when people buy me that stuff because most of the time, it's nothing I will or can use. The creative gifts? I'm not sure the 'beef' with that... I love creations my kids come up with.

As far as the 'I don't need anything' comment... Maybe she feels bad that you're taking her daughter shopping for her and can't afford to do the same? Or she feels guilty for not doing the same with her daughter? My daughter is forever insisting I wear jewelry and the only jewelry I wear is my wedding set... I don't like jewelry at all.

I'm just trying to put it out there that it may not be you or your SD. It may in fact just be her mom's taste/lack of?

Can you talk to her mom about it? Let her know how you feel and that you think you are helping your SD, but the tension is confusing to you and your SD. Ask if she'd prefer no gifts??? Good luck!