Step Kids Are Here for the Summer.

Hi I just wanted to add that they are probably missing their friends from home too. Are there any kids around cousins perhaps that are thier age for them to play with? What about a family party to celebrate them being here. Maybe they would like to play some sports, I think most of the summer sports are about 6 weeks long, maybe it is too late to start sports though this year. I hated going up north with my Mom every summer, my cousins lived across the street but I had to leave my best friend and my pool behind, it really sucked. My parents were not divorced but my Mom took me up there every summer so that she could visit with her family up there. For me it was BORING! Just some more thoughts for you to ponder...

Sherry,

Try and not take it personally. It is an uncomfortable for both you and the kids. By the time they get to know you, it is time to head home for nine months. Maybe if you planned some activities for just you and the kids (one at a time) it would give you an opportunity for some communication and allow you to explain you don't want to be their mom, but would like to be their friend. Perhaps they would realize you're not the big bad lady that took daddy away from mommy.

I have 2 step-children who have lived with us since their mother passed away unexpectedly 6 months ago so I know how challenging things can get at times. They are just recently to the point of coming and telling me goodnight on their own. Before this, I was the one who initiated the goodnights. I would go in every night and tell them goodnight myself and tuck them in bed and after some time they have started as well. This will be more difficult for you since they are only there for 8 weeks, but hopefully next years visit will be a little more comfortable after having this year to get to know one another better. Best of luck and just remember that it takes a lot of time, love, and patience!

I didn't read all the responses but I noticed in your "a little about me" section that you didn't even mention them. They probably just don't know how to act around you and they probably ARE uncomfortable. From their perspective, they probably feel like they aren't really part of the family and don't want to do anything wrong. I'm sure they know you are counting the weeks...they probably are too.

This probably sounds harsher than I intended but I am on my third step mom now and have been there.

I would try and do something with them by themselves and without your husband. Let them pick what they want to do but don't let it be a movie or something that you don't talk for.

Good luck

Very hard to go through this and it won't be resolved quickly. While the dairy farm is fun for you, it must be like being on another planet for them. Also, I don't know if they're used to being around little kids and a pregnant lady who's not their mom but is married to their dad. Being away from home for 8 weeks must feel like an eternity to them! My kids took forever to adjust to my husband, their stepdad, and they've always said it helped that he had no other kids and we had none together, so you're situation has even more facets to it. They are being forced into all of this. They have no choice and, despite their coldness and silence, I bet they have plenty of thoughts and feelings about all this. Possibly their mom has made things worse by what she thinks, feels, and says. It happens.

I agree with all who say to be kind, positive, friendly, and loving in a non-intrusive way. Be consistent and trustworthy. See if your husband can talk to them and have more time alone with them. Just his being so busy with the farm and his new family must be very tough for them. I wouldn't push having time alone with them but, if it happens naturally (running an errand, cooking etc.), try to be empathetic and a listener. What's important to them? What do they care about? Are they homesick? Anything you can do to enter their world even a little should help. Meantime, some basic courtesy and respect in the home should be expected, using some humor to accomplish this if possible. It may take a long time for them to trust you. You yourself need to vent your feelings somewhere else. If they sense they aren't wanted, it may leave hurts that won't heal for years. You're in an awful position, but you'll get through this. The rest of the year, I'd look for ways to consistently connect with them even if they only allow it on a shallow level. Unfortunately, you have to prove to them that you care about them to build trust with them.

Hi Sherry. I have to say that I agree with Carrie's advice regarding spending time with each of them, just you and one of the kids. (Your husband may need to do the same, they're not used to sharing their dad with so many, I'm sure).
My husband was great about that when he became the step-dad and it did wonders. Make sure when you do spend time it's doing something they would enjoy. Maybe you could even ask them what they'd like to do - "I want to spend the evening with you. Is there anything special we could do? Shop, movies, bowling, laser tag?" If not, pick for them). And when you have them alone, take a moment (really, not longer unless they want to "drag" it on) and acknowledge how uncomfortable it is and let them know you want them to think of the house as their own, and that you aren't trying to be their mom, but a friend who cares about them.
Another idea is that since they're spending their entire summer pretty much with you, you may want to make sure they get to do a little of what kids like to do in the summer. It sounds like you have a lot going on, but if you could break away for a half day or so to be lazy at the beach or see a summer flick, it may be worth it and make their attitudes better (esp. if you use the "we have to get these things done this week and then we can do this" line).

Good luck to you! I hope you start enjoying your step-motherhood :)

S.

Hello Sherry, In my opinion, it is up to your husband to teach his children manners. The kids don't have to address you by anything they are uncomfortable with, but they do need to address you. It is your home too. When the children say good-night to your hubby, he should then direct them to say good-night to you also. They should be required to say please and thank you for everything you do, again directed by their father. He needs to set the pace in the home with HIS children. They are HIS resposibility. Try doing fun things with the kids, this will help form a bond. Scedualed game nights. Get out the twister!! Put music on the radio and dance. Plant some floweres. Make a nice gift together to take home with them for their mother, this will endear them to you. Good luck. Don't give up on the summer, it could be the fondation for the rest of your lives together. Respect is earned, never freely given.

Have you tried doing things with just the two of them and yourself?
I too am part of a blended family with my step-daugther that comes in from New Mexico for the summer to stay with her father, me and our 10 month old son.
Right from the start I think it's important to include his children in conversation, decisions and make them feel as much a part of your family here and they do in California. It takes effort for sure but will become natural overtime.
Children are pretty sensitive and my guess is that they can tell you don't really care for their presence in your home. Their uncomfortability is in direct relation to yours. Use their half siblings to draw them in by including them in their care. Ask them questions, give them hugs, even when the don't act like they want them.
Hope any/some of this helps

Hang in there Sherry,

I'm sure you're right about them feeling awkward around you...they don't know you real well, but the important thing is to include them so that being around them will allow them to get to know you. Even just a game in the evening or helping with dishes will allow you to interact with them and for them to see that you are someone they can like.
You might get their opinions about things to do also. 'What would you like to do this weekend' or 'what sounds good for supper'. It might make a difference if they feel like they belong rather then always feeling that they are visiting. That's a tough thing to do in a few weeks, but a little effort and patience should gain you some ground.

Good luck!
M.
wife and mom to 4 girls ages 5 to 10

Open your heart and show them all the love you can! This is a really big thing for them and I'm sure they are just as confused and uncomfortable as you are. Trust me, it gets easier with time. I hope you have a relaxing and fun-filled summer! Just sit back and enjoy!

Wow, that is tough. At their age, they probably don't want you around - but, that is no excuse for rudeness. They need to know that it isn't ok to disrespect you. I hope your husband is on-board with that. If you jump in and say goodnight, do they ignore you? Try it. Your husband will have to demand that they not be rude. Good luck.

PS: Be sure that you are getting some "me" time.

S.

Wow, Big changes for those kids. They are likely not intentionally snubbing you, more than likely they just don't know what is expected of them.

Really work on bonding activities with them. By bonding activies I mean things like doing their hair (if they are girls that is...LOL) playing board games, getting down on their level and playing with them , read books to them (havent' met a kid yet who didn't enjoy being read to! My sister and I stayed a year with our grandparents after our mom abandoned us, gramma read a chapter of little women to us every night while we were snuggled up in bed with her) Take them places just the three of you. Perhaps doing a "date" night once a week with them...nothing fancy but maybe take them for ice cream, or to a movie (I know in my town there are $1 matinee's for kids)

Good luck and hang in there.

Hi Sherry,

I'm a divorced mom with 2 sons the same age as your step kids. I have sole custody of them and they too spend time with their dad and step mom. Not the entire summber though. Anyway, I wish I would hear that they were ever disrespectul to their stepmom. They would have to answer to me from afar, and when they returned home. You should'nt have to spend your summber that way, and for you to have to count the days till they leave. It isn't right. Talk to your hubby, or ask if you can talk t their mom (if you guys have that type of relationship). Those kids are too young to be out of control like that.

If their mom is a REAL women, she would put them in check real fast and in a HURRY!

Stay Encouraged!!!

I have a step son too that comes for the summer. He is 9yrs old and I have been around him since he was 4 months old. I know what you are going through, just be patient. Try to do a lot of family things together-all of you. Make sure that they have time alone with their dad too, but he needs to mention that you all are a family not just the 3 of them. He does have other children too, but he needs to say that, not you. What about you dong something with them alone too?

Hi Sherry,
You have had good advice so far. Try and keep remembering what they are going through. They have to travel completly away from their home. Yes, their fathers is their home but not really. They come and see that you guys have a family that really doesn't include them. I'm not trying sound harsh but that is probably what they feel. They don't know where they belong. Even though it is difficult now keep trying to get to know them without being pushy. Also try and not to feel resentful to them. When I was growing up I look back and realize what a pain in the you know what I was to my stepmom. The most amazing part was she never gave up on me and now we are family. She is a very important person in my life. It must have been extremly hard for her not to get angry at me. So I would continue to be the adult and try to get to know your step kids.
Chris

Sherry -

My step-kids were 18 and 15 when my husband and I first got together. They were (and to a certain extent, still are) incredibly spoiled and self-centered. Their mother is an emotional wreck who did everything imaginable to keep "her" children away from me. We've had YEARS of drama and it's been incredibly hard. I wasn't just the step mom, I was likened to the devil (seriously.) They NEVER came to our home or spent any time with me whatsoever and I was totally ignored if we happened to be at a family gathering together. My husband was no help at all and allowed them to continue this obnoxious and ridiculous behavior for YEARS.

I'm telling you all this (and, wow, it's painful just remembering how truly bad it was) because nearly 7 years later, it is just a memory. My step-daughter is now 25 and just got married this past spring. I have to credit her new husband (whose parents are also divorced) with getting her to lighten up and give me a chance. The wedding proved to be a bonding experience for us. My husband and I have a beautiful 4-year-old together and she suddenly came in "handy" as she made the perfect flower girl for the fairy tale wedding. (Until my step-daughter had a "need" for her, neither of my step-kids had made any effort to get to know their half-sister. Nice, huh!) My step-son, now 22, continues to be somewhat aloof, but he has a lovely girlfriend who, I believe, has also told him to knock it off.

Their mother continues to be a martyr, but they've grown tired of her "poor me" attitude and all her whining. As they've grown into adulthood, I think the effort of being overtly rude is now too much. While we're still not lovey-dovey, we've arrived at a comfortable place, I feel like we continue to evolve in our relationship and I do believe that, someday, there will be appreciation and admiration from both of them. I'm a good person, their dad and I have a terrific marriage, they have a beautiful little sister who they now know and adore, they have comfortable lives and they certainly have NOTHING to be miserable about.

Sorry that I wrote a novel, but it sounded like you weren't really seeking "advice," just the comfort of knowing others have been in your shoes and that time will ease the challenges of a blended family. It will. Take it one day at a time and be patient. The years will pass quickly and the kids will mature. I'm thrilled to finally be in that place and you will be, too. L.

Hi Sherry,

I'm a step-mom of almost 11 years and my step-kids live with us full-time (one is now in college). Their mom moved 2 1/2 hours away from them about 8 years ago. I became the mother-figure in their life on a daily basis. She is just a phone mom and sees them occasionally on the weekends.

Try to spend some quality time with each of your step-kids alone so you can talk and do an activity that they like to do (nothing extravagant - bake cookies, go to the park, ride bikes, fly a kite, etc.) I know it may be hard to schedule with your other kids and your farm, but it may help.

Good luck!
C.

It's hard to adjust to the behavior of step kids... However you can win by being nice and not responding to them ignoring you.... They want to know how to push your buttons and what upsets you... I been there with my step daughter and my husband always said oh she a good kid, you have to develope a relationship with her.... He was right but it was very hard but I worked on ignoring little things she did to get under my skin and we know get along... I hope this helps.... Stay in prayer that's the only thing that kept me going...

Good morning Sherry. I have been a stepmom for 18 years. It's not a picnic. They are uncomfortable, not only around you, but do they live on a farm in CA?? Not only are they in a different living situation, but they are probably in a different environment! Be patient, love on them, it takes a while for kids to warm up to a new situation. My kids were 8 and 10 when I first got them and it took a long while. We got them every other weekend, so they had more time to get to know me throughout the year. They hated that I made them make their bed and pick up after themselves when they were with us. They hated that I was pregnant. They hated that they had to share their dad. They also felt like they were betraying their mom if they liked me. Our daughter moved in when she was 15 and boy did she play me! Yes, you will go through arguements, yes you may dread having them come, yes, you may feel left out or like the maid. But I can honestly say that now, they are 27, and 29, these are my kids! Who do they call when something is needed? Me! Because they know that I will be there or help if I can.They don't really call their mom. It took our daughter FOREVER to tell me that she loves me. My husband was very upset about it and asked me about it, and I told him that if she said it out loud, it would feel like a betrayal to her mom. A couple of years ago, she started telling me. I didn't need it, but it was great to hear. I have told them I love them every time I talk to them. I know that they love me and the certainly know I love them! My advice to you is to find things to do that you will enjoy with them. Ask them about themselves, their day, what their home is like, and love on them. It's life investing. You may always feel left out. You may never hear "I love you" from them, but invest time in getting to know them while they are with you. Because you only have 8 weeks once a year, let the small stuff go. Don't let them run you and the house, but let the small stuff go. Maybe you could teach them something about the dairy farm that they would enjoy. I loved getting up early to help granpa feed the cows. But most important, just love them, even when you don't feel like it!!! L. S.

You and your husband need to review some basic ettiquett (sp) about how children talk to adults. You greet everyone and well wish (say good night) to everyone when you awaken and go to bed. You speak about the weather, plans for the day and inquire about health and how you can help.

I'm NOT in this situation, but I teach and amazingly, I have had to speak with almost all of my students about THAT you speak to adults and HOW you speak to them and WHAT to talk about. Ignoring you is unacceptable and should not be allowed. Speak with your husband about some ideas to get them involved with you and the others. They also may be feeling out of place because of the new baby. If they seem excited, have them make a memory book for the baby to have until they come back.

Sherry-

I also have step-kids. They aren't as far away as CA, only 100 miles away, so I do see them on a regular basis and I've known them for 8 years, so I've had the time to bond with them. I do know what you are going through and it is so hard. I would suggest that you try to make things as comfortable as possible for them (as I'm sure that you are) because not only are they spending time with their father whom they don't see on a regular basis, but they are spending time with a stranger and being introduced to new siblings. Now, on the flip side of that, I would have your husband take them out on a special outing, just the three of them, and have a little talk with them. Have him explain to them that you care very much about them, but it is very difficult for you, also because you've never been a step-mom before. Have him ask them to say "good night" to you when they go to bed. They don't have to give hugs and kisses if they don't feel comfortable, but a simple "good night" is polite and acceptable. Maybe even a "thank you for the great dinner!" would just let them know that they appreciate you. I'm not telling you to tell your husband to put all the pressure on the kids to make the relationship work, but having him understand how hard it is for you will make the transition for you so much smoother and you won't resent their visits near as much. Your husband will never understand your feelings... because they are his kids. My husband never did either. You are just expected to take them under your wing, no questions asked. It's hard! Believe me, I love me step-kids more than anything now. I love them to pieces, but it took a very long time to get there. It might take a much longer time to get there for you because of the distance, but if both sides work at it (by that, I mean the kids) then it is possible. Good luck!

Well, seeing that you have been married for 4 years you would think they would have gotten over this by now. I am a step mom and my 2 daughters have a step dad so I know the situation, my step daughter has been a problem, she does the same thing, ignores me acts like I am not there but my husband always says hey tell S. goodnight (or whatever it is). It did take some time with me oldest (but like 8 months not years!). I would have your husband have a talk with them they are old enough to be told that they must be polite and stop the bad behaviour. There is no reason for it really after all this time, I guess unless you are the wicked step mom :)!

Have him talk to them and let them know that it wont be tolerated and that it will make for a much better time for all.

I don't have step kids - just step siblings (and 4 of those). I think if I were you, I would talk to your husband, explain your feelings, and what your observing. Also explain that you are trying to understand their feelings, and that it is a big adjustment. Then ask him if he can help make that adjustment easier for both you and the kids. Maybe sit down, as a family, and talk through the feelings. Don't make the kids feel like you are out to get them, or against them being there, but that you want to make this time easier, and fun, for them. My guess is, that as uncomfortable as you are, so are they. They're old enough to express feelings, understand feelings, and talk about how it can be easier. They are also old enough to feel like you are trying to be their "mom" or to replace their mom - maybe you need to start out trying to be friends first. Start with talking with your husband though, and then approaching the kids - as a team.

Being a step child myself, my heart goes out to your step kids. Remember that this was all handed to them...they didn't ask for their parents to separate. They didn't ask for a new parent. If they aren't around too much, they are still getting use to the whole idea that you are there with their dad. You are a stranger and they probably aren't sure how to relate. It is uncomfortable for them, for sure! In my humble opinion, it's your job to reach out to them, realizing it just might take some time. Do special things for them. Make foods they really like. Go out of your way to make them feel special and part of your family. Over time, you'll win them. It'll never be like your bio kids, but if you do all you can to reach them, you'll end up with a good relationship and they'll enjoy coming to see you as well as their dad. Good luck! I wish you the best!

Can't say as I have this kind of experience, but maybe the stepkids feel just as uncomfortable around you as you suspect.
Why? They don't know how to approach you. They know and are used to mom. But this different situation throws them off kilter.
It's also very possible that HEY! THESE KIDS ARE FROM CALIFORNIA AND ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF CA IS PLAIN STRANGE! Sorry but I tend to look at CA as another country or planet. Just so unlike the rest of the nation.
Look, Sherry, talk to your hubby. He should definitely be a part of solving this situation. Like everyone go out and have some fun, break into a connection gradually. If they're here for the summer, summer isn't over yet.

They're just kids and simply don't know you very well. Make the first move and say good night to them. You're the adult and it's up to you to make them feel comfortable. Ask them what their favorite meals are, what they would like to do during their visit etc. Can you imagine how difficult this is for them? Let them know this is their home too. After the babies are in bed you and your husband should play a board game with them ... let them know there is nothing aobut you that they should be timid about. Good Luck and have a great summer with all of your kids.