13 Yo Having Problems Dealing with a Step Mother

M.,

OK, I am absolutely not trying to be critical here, but have you ever uttered the phrase, "If you girls are having a problem, you can come to me."? Telling a teenager that you don't want to hear about their difficulties with step-mom and that Dad has to be their point of contact is assuring them that you actually will NOT help them deal with their troubles. Teenagers already feel like nobody ever listens to them. How many teenage girls actually want to talk to their Dads about any problem?

It is pretty much a given that kids are not going to like their step-mom, if only because she is NOT Mom and takes Dad's attention. It is also a given that unless she is unusually loving, the step-mom is not going to be as kind and loving to "his" kids as she will be to her own. (We've all seen it, so all you really nice step-moms out there, do not take offense. There is actually a reason why all the fairy tales deal with the evil stepmother.)

Now, of course, there is venting, in which people complain about situations they do not like to get rid of the negative feelings. There is mindless whining in which people just feel sorry for themselves, which does no good. And then there are productive conversations in which your daughters can express their complaints to you, and you assist them in determining what is the true problem, and positive ways they can discuss it with their Dad & step-mom to arrive at a mutually beneficial solution.

Truly, you are their Mother, and even when they are not in your household it is still your duty to protect them. Many people feel threatened by vegetarians, criticized because they have different eating habits, or inadequate because they just don't know how to prepare a properly balanced meat-free meal. This conflict may have nothing to do with your daughter's habits, but more about her attitude. Please reassure your girls that you will help them solve their difficulties. You can even help them write a list of ideas, complaints, or discussion points with possible solutions.

Best wishes,
K.

I come from a split family, and my oldest son lives with his father and step-mom. I can tell you from my own childhood, that a 13yr old girl will do whatever she can to get the attention of everyone involved in a situation like that. I used to battle with my step-dad on a daily basis. My mom chose to turn a blind eye and ignore it. The majority of the time it was just me being a teen. My 12yr old son used to do the same thing. He would play my ex, me and my ex-MIL against each other. Mom did this, Dad did this, grandma save me. When his dad moved in with the step-mom it started again. After years of fighting against each other on what we each thought was best for him, we have tried it on more of a united front. You are never going to agree with each other 100% of the time. (There's a reason why you're exes.) You all can, however, decide to be on a united front for the sake of the kids. You all need to be open and talk to each other about what is going on. When all of you come up with the solution together and deal with it together, your daughter will see how important it is for all of you to act together as a FAMILY. (even though it is an extended one) I can tell you it does work. My ex and I have a much better relationship AND with our son now that we quit putting blame on each other and each others spouses.

The girls are at an age where they can sit down and evaluate their feelings, how things can be handled differently in situations, etc. Have the girls start journaling their feelings, situations and frustrations.

Then ask them to look at each situation and write out how the situation could be handled differently. Ask them to consider the stepmother's point of view and theirs. Try to find a way to compromise so everyone is satisfied.

Have the stepfamily sit down together and discuss each item individually, their feelings, how each girl viewed the stepmother's words and actions, how it made the child feel, etc. Have the father mediate. Make sure no one interrupts the other party while they are talking. Perhaps have a ball or something held while that person is talking. If the person doesn't have the object, then they need to wait their turn. While they are waiting, then can take notes on their reaction so they don't forget.

If this doesn't work, you can be the mediator. The mediator needs to be non-reactive and work on letting each person talk, mirror back what you hear, and address the common problems, symptoms of the problems, and help them find possible solutions and compromises.

M. I feel your pain.. I have 3 children b4 my divorce and they feel the same way even 6yrs now after their dad married this woman.

I would try to sit down with the new wife and dad and make sure all three are on the same page as far as the children went and make sure the girls are included in this that ways the girls feel safer bring up what they feel is the issues. maybe they dont feel comfortable enough with her to tell her about it and maybe with you sitting there it will empower them to speak up.. I to am a step mom so I have been on both sides of this double edge sward it is VERY difficult. During this sit down if the girls dont bring up spicifics as to the problems you have been told about i would ask them all about them together.
good luck i would say it gets easier and it may it has some here after 6yrs but i know that is not alwasy the situation just do what is best for your kids!!! bottem line!!!

sorry so long L.

Yes, it is time for her to discuss the problem with dad. He may not be focusing on it.
Do they have to spend time with dad or could they politely tell him they just don't want to see him since it is obvious his new wife would rather they not be around for awhile. That maybe after she settles in and isn't so insecure in her relationship with him they will come around more?

Try your best to remain neutral, listen to your daughter. I don't think telling her you don't want to hear about the step mom was the best thing to say. She needs to know that she can come to you and she may be looking for someone to just be on her side and make a villain out of the step mom. It's your job to teach her to take the high road and she will learn from your response. Mostly she probably just wants to vent.. so listen away. Encourage her to write her dad & step Mom a letter, explaining her feelings in a matter of fact way, without disrespecting anyone.

Good luck

Hello. I am a dreaded 'step mother' to two children, a 12 y0 boy and 9 yo girl. My opinion is this, with all four of my children, I am not your friend, I am not suppose to be your friend, and God doesn't like it when I am your friend. Sound harsh?!?! Maybe. My job is to raise the children to survive in the world and to be well rounded adults. I cook ONE meal, I am not a short order cook and my kitchen is NOT a resturaunt. I don't intentionaly cook things I know the kids don't like, however, no matter what I cook someone does not like it and that is just how life is. When I bake fish sticks I do throw in chicken strips for the boy who 'doesn't eat seafood'. In my house, I am the rule maker and the parent who enforces the rules. My husband works from 8a - 8p. My oldest two children's mother does EVERYTHING different from me and I tend to be the EVIL ONE. I make my children do thier homework and their mom thinks that if they don't want to do it, then they don't have to do it. Your daughter might complain about her StepMom b.c she might be the rule enforcer also. And instead of just telling your daughter to talk to her dad about it, she might need to also talk to her stepmom about it. And, what you also might want to discuss it with the dad and stepmom without the children around. It is always possible that your sd could be playing parents against each other, but for a 13 yo seems to me she probably has ligitimant problems in her eye. I have a stepmom and stepdad myself...and I had problems with both of them the MAJORITY of the time I lived at home, but now they are no different in my eye than my 'real parents', but if you would have told me it would turn out that way at 13, I would have called ya a liar. :D And, your daughters Stepmom might just need to spend some alone / girl time with your daughter to help them bond...they might butt heads so much b.c they are alike. Or maybe your sd is refusing to eat meat for attention (I know I have gone through that with my own daughter).

One of the most important things about blending a family is that everyone has to respect everyone else. If you are at all resentful of your ex's new wife, your daughter will act on it. It may be hard, but if you consider yourselves one family it will work for everyone. My husband and I joined our families (2 kids each). We have both accepted our ex's as part of the family and we all see each other at family functions (our daughter is grown and she has us all for holidays). Our kids have benefited from a respectful relationship all around.

M., I myself came from a situation exactly like your daughter did. I couldn't talk to my dad because everytime I did my step mom would interupt or sit there and want to talk to dad also so I couldn't. Don't close your daughters out like that. I have always encouraged my sons to talk to their dads and one had a wonderful step mom who I couldn't have hand picked better. Sometimes dad's don't want to listen to their kids as it would be admitting they made a mistake it their own minds.

*edited*
1st i would suggest no matter how discusted you are personally with hearing about barb you should make it perfectly clear to your girls that you will always hear them out, they feel comfortable talking to you which i would consider a blessing. maybe you can get the girls together with their father and have a very rational discussion and ask him to keep his eyes and ears open. stepmothers are often very jealous of their husbands affections for their children, daughters especially. i am a stepmom and i can honestly tell you my "daughter" is my life, but on the same hand, she does and always has gotten away with a lot of little things, i think because she's daddy's first girl and she just melts him, am i jealous? no. do i notice the favor? yes. but it doesn't have a huge affect on anyone else in the house and all of our children are mostly well behaved. i can see where she would try to vie for his attention by way of the food she cooks or the way she does things but he needs to let her know that they have lived thus far without her in their life, and she's going to have to accept them as they are and build on that not try to change it. good luck these situations can get very sticky, i hope he is strong enough to make things better for the girls. although i have been in my "daughter's" life since she was 6 weeks old my response comes both from being a stepmom and growing up with a stepmom.

I am a stepmom and I had a stepfather growing up. It is hard, no matter what or how. I think you are right to have the girls direct their problems to their dad, but I also suggest you still listen to them complain about her. The reason is that they need to feel like you aer on their side, and they need to be able to complain in a "safe" environment. Just let them know there isn't anything you can DO, but you can LISTEN and offer advice or insight.

You are all in my prayers. :)

It's tough being a stepmom and it's tough being the mom and knowing h/t deal with situation in a new formed family. It's too bad that stepmom seems to be picking on your daughter and really, she (stepmom)is an adult. There should not be any reason for her picking on someone younger than she is. I just wonder whether she and your ex-husband have some difficulty parenting your kids. Maybe your ex sees things differently than she does and does not support her, so she takes it out on your kids. I grew up w/my mom and also had a stepmom. My mom made it a point to get to know my stepmom and to sit down with her and talk. While they never became close friends, they did like each other and had a good relationship. I greatly benefited from it. Regardless, my mom was always the boss and that was understood by everybody. So, when I was grounded at home, I was grounded at my dad's house, etc. Anyway, I know that many will advise you to leave it up to the stepmom and your ex to resolve this but I wonder whether that is in the best interest of your daughter. No doubt she wants to spend time with her dad but does she have to put up with a stepmom that picks on her? I would try to approach stepmom and establish a relationship with her. There is a great website: www.comamas.com. I would try to "guide" stepmom until she can do the parenting on her own. You know your kids the best and you can help her to get to know them too and be sensitive to them.

This is something that their dad does need to address with them and the step mom, you're correct. They should say something to him about whatever is going on that makes them feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in his home. It is not your problem to solve. The only thing I think you can do is to help initiate the conversation for the girls by letting him know what they have told you. Perhaps they aren't comfortable with the first step?

Also, I have an 11 year old step son, who thankfully I have a good relationship with, but there have been some bumps. So I know the step relationship can sometimes be difficult, but I also think that Dad needs to let the step mom know that his kids are going to come first, and they need to be treated with the same respect that she expects from them.

Being a stepmom is a very delicate balancing act between "doormat" and "evil stepmother".

I have 4 awesome stepkids, and 2 of my own. I do think it helps that I have kids of my own because my stepkids can see that I'm enforcing the same rules for everyone. (If anything, I'm probably a little harder on my own kids.)

As for your daughter's special diet, I have had a similar situation with one of my stepdaughters. She used to be a really picky eater. My husband & I agreed not to cater to it, though. If she didn't like what was being served for dinner, she could make herself a PB&J. (As a side note, she now eats - or at least tries - a great variety of food.)

You did the right thing by deflecting this back to your husband. This is his issue to deal with. It sounds like you trust that he will protect your girls' interests, so that's a good thing. Besides, there are always two sides to every story, and kids are great at playing both sides. :)

I hope things work out for your daughter. Being a teenager is hard enough...

Hi M., My sister and I grew up with a step Mother and I can tell you from experience that being teenagers at the time, We did not like our step Mother no matter what she did! We didn't like her if she was nice, we didn't like her if she was trying to treat us great, it just did not matter!! Now, that I am an Adult I see what a good person she was and I am sorry how we treated her. I guess my point is, this may be a stage she is going thru and you need to let her go thru it but, at the same time let her know you will not tolerate her being dis-respectful to the Step Mom. It shows your daughter maturity on your Level..

Maybe you, your daughter, your ex-husband, and his new wife need to sit down and have a talk. By you telling your daughter that you do not want to hear about it, when she probably feels like you are the only one she can talk to, can make her even more upset. She needs you to listen because I am sure she naturally feels like her dad is going to take the step moms side. Best wishes, B.

My first question is does this women have children of her own? or is she just singling out your youngest from your oldest? being a step mom can SUCK. it's a tough role to play and we are ALWAYS the bad guy. my SD is the same age as my middle son and i've been her other mom sine she was 4 and she lives with us and she is still so different from "my" kids that it's just tough to relate to her. your DD being a vegetarian could very well seem very strange to this lady, she could have legitimate concerns about proper nutrition and if DD plays a lot of sports then this is douibly true as you should know, the more athletic they are the more they need protien which for most people means meat, so she could just have a hard time grasping that this diet choice is actually healthy. i know i am at a loss almsot daily trying to get protien into our lunches wthout resorting to hot dogs and lunch meat, my guys are still little. try giving your daughter some help on educating her step mom in a nice way. if she is on her case about the amount she eats that's one thing but if it's about what she eats, maybe if she can explain that there is this or that in whatever she is having for lunch, SM will be less crabby about it. another side note here it is very hard to cook for a family, and you DD has different eating habits than probally most everyne else, so maybe she can offer to help cook, or at least help prepare her main dish cause i know I would complain as well if one of the kids didn't eat anything but the veggies or the sides when i cooked dinner. your daughter has a right to her diet choice, that should be respected, but if this is new to her SM she is old enough to help out and make her choice easier on everyone else as well. there are a lot of yummy vegetarian recipes out there maybe DD could take some over and offer to help cook, it would give them time to bond and SM could learn a thing or two about how healthy it really is. but it is a two way street, it might seem like she's picking on her but i bet it's not itentional, even MY mother says i pick on my SD and i don't, i include her in EVERYTHING, but she's so different that it does always apear that she is on the outside of things, but she's that way with her mom and dad as well, so i know it isn't just me, but it's still how it looks to others.

above and beyond all that though your DD is a teenager this is normal, it's a tough age for everyone and SM has a big disadvantage, they may never be close, DD just might have to be the bigger person and ignore a lot of it, and you might just have to listen to her gripe, just try not to take it as anything more than normal teenage gripes about parents in general. good luck