Step-Mom - Decatur,IL

Wow, are you a nice person! I would guess that since you are such a nice person that you just keep on being nice. You can include her in possible upcoming important occasions. You can let her in on school activities. Boy, you are just a really cool person.

My son is almost 10 and his dad and I got divorced when he was 4. He began dating a women I was slightly acquainted with ( she was the old girlfriend of a buddy of his) and we found out how serious it was when he announced he was moving to her condo and had to change his visitation schedule!

I actually invited her to meet me for coffee and asked what her expectations for my son were, now that he would be in her house every other weekend. I asked if he would have his own room, etc. and said that I wanted him to feel comfortable and safe there and that he 'knew the rules' at the new place.

She actually told me that she was a child of a very bad divorce and had not had a relationship with her own father for about 10 years growing up! She said my son seemed very happy and well-adjusted and that she just wanted to try to help keep things stable for him. As it turned out, she is MUCH more responsible than my ex!! So although we have all had our disagreements and rough patches, she has improved things in some ways.

It can be hard. You are both pre-disposed to be on opposite sides- the stepmom may have heard an earful about you from your ex and she is bound to take his side of things.

However- even if you don't agree on everything, can you agree that each in your own way, you BOTH have your daughter's best welfare, health and happiness at heart?

Do you have a Joint Parenting Agreement as part of your custody arrangement? Sitting down (all parents, natural and step) and talking about specific issues, holidays, problems, etc. with a good mediator has helped my ex, his wife, me and my fiancee work through some things that could easily have turned into giant earth-scorching arguments on our own.

you may not get everything the way you want it, but you will get a chance to speak your side, explain why you've made certain decisions about your daughter - and why you feel it is important for HER well-being that those decisions are respected and followed by both parents.

My experience has been that your ex might not take everything YOU say seriously (and by extension, his wife won't either) but if the mediator helps everyone to see both sides of an issue or why something is important, they will be more likely to respect the decision. In our case, she has also written up documentation of the consensus we've all reached on certain subjects and my attorney had them legally filed as part of our Joint Parenting Agreement.

If the mediator helps you out, it isn't a case of 'You SAID you would not tell her that!" or "we asked you not to let her watch that" or whatever. It is a decision you all came to TOGETHER, with the help of a professional witness. It makes it less 'personal' between you and the stepmom.

That said, we don't always see eye to eye. When my son was your daughter's age, he went through a phase of talking about his stepmom ALL THE TIME when he had seen her. I have to admit, it was sort of hurtful. But gradually I have come to realize that despite that talk- they are nowhere near as close as my son is with my fiancee and I. I am always the mom- no one can take that away and I don't need to feel threatened!

His relationship with his stepmom is sort of like she is an aunt that he really likes. I trust her to take good care of him when he is at their house and she and I are polite and pleasant to each other.

You do not have to be BEST FRIENDS- it is unlikely you ever will. You just have to be polite and practical and get along well enough to go to school events, sports, etc. If all sides can agree that it is the best thing for your daughter to be that way, at least in public and in front of her, it will get easier over time, trust me!!

If you have to argue or fight over things, do it when your daughter is not around and grit your teeth and smile when the step comes to pick her up. Your little girl will be under a lot less stress if you can both act like the grown-ups for her sake.

Good Luck!! Feel free to message me if I can give you any more specific advice about mediation. It is TOTALLY worth the money- less $$ than an attorney and most judges will order you to see a mediator first and try and work things out on your own anyway!!

C.,

Hi. I am a stepmom to 14 and 12 year old girls. I currently am civil with their mother and plan to do everything humanly possible to keep that relationship as civil as possible. I operate from a position that I am the one who is not allowed to make any of the major and /or ulitmate decisions about the girls. that is something that must be worked out between my husband that his ex.

I saw that one mom had a sit down with the new significant other to talk about stuff and I have to say I think that is an amazing approach. I would love to be able to do that with my husband's ex, but it isn't something she is going to go for. So I guess if you can do this I think it would be a great tool for you, if nothing could you, your ex and her all sit together and address some of the issues? Co-parenting is a great tool.

I am not sure what your situation is with your ex or if he is a good parent. Would there be issues with him not stepping up to the plate as a parent and the current significant other just doesn't know or understand what the rules are or should be? Please understand I am not trying to malign your ex, just curious about how involved a parent he is.

In the end remember that it is you and your ex who have the final say. If you need to set out ground rules to make that happen then that is what you should do. I know that lots of people think that we steps don't understand this, but most of us truly do. Good Luck I hope that this works out for you.

D.

I think the key words are "my daughter". Step parents need to fully realize and understand - they are not mom. Step parents and parents need to understand thing from the child's perspective. Parents and step parents really do try to divide a child's loyalty.

I would meet to talk with step mom off of her turf. Like at your house or a neighborhood park or coffee shop - just you and her.

If all fails - talk to Dad and ask him to intervene.

Hi C. You didn't say how your daughter feels about her. Why don't you sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her. Maybe she feels threaten by you? and not issues with your daughter.

I am a stepmother to 2 children. They are now 19 and 20 but they were 3 and 4 when my husband and I got together. The relationship with their mother started out very rocky for the first few years. I don't remember how it happened but we eventually got to the point where we started talking on the phone about the kids. The relationship between all of us (me, my husband, her, her husband) got better and by the time the kids were 9 and 10 we were going on family vacations together. Yes, all of us together. We still do this to this day. Some things that she did that really made me feel good were that she always included my parents and sister as part of her children's lives. Even before we were friends she would send my parents and my sister Christmas cards, information on the kids school activities, sports information etc. She made an effort to have them be a part on the children's lives. She even took the kids to visit my parents when she was visiting their hometown. She tried really hard for us to all become a family and it worked. I'm glad that my stepkids were able to grow up with parents and stepparents that got along. Of course there have been fights along the way and feelings have gotten hurt but that happens with everyone. Good luck.
Cara

It is a very tough place to be for both of you but the one thing that as a step-mother she has to remember that she really has no say so in the raising of your daughter and that can can be hard for some women to handle. I think that some of the burden needs to lean on your ex-husbands shoulders. I would tell him that you would like to try in this a very good life for your daughter. That you would like to try in get along with his new wife but she has to remember that her place is as a step-mother, not her mother. If he knows this maybe he can lay the ground work for a peaceful association.
Just remember you and your ex are the discussion maker not his new wife.

Look into learning EFT. This powerful 2 minute process can help you feel calmer in any situation. When you feel calm you think more clearly and are better able to communicate.
You might find classes & workshops offered at hospitals, community colleges or private instruction with therapists or hypnotherapists.

That is an interesting topic since I myself am a step mother having problems being tactful to my step-son's mother for many reasons. Do you have any examples and I would love to give you my side? Things I see from my side are usually because the true mother is neglectful with the children and I love the step children like they are my own and want to protect them and give them stability that the mother does not give but I have no 'authority' to do so. I'm not sure what you experience but I would love to hear a 'normal' situation.

** sorry I'd read that backward, that you were the stepmom. I still say pray for her, it really helps. **

I'm a stepmom though I raised him & he calls me mom. When dealing with bio mom, I remind myself she gave me Seth & that wasn't easy for her either. She didn't have an abortion & stood up for his life when no one else would, just couldn't take care of him. I wouldn't have my boy, or my husband for that matter, had she not bore Seth! Seth changed my husband's life so drastically, being a dad made him become the man I love so I can endure a lot with that understanding. I really hope it helps. I've seen so many of your other posts, you do a lot of good for your daughter, things will work themselves out.

Oh and pray for her, that really, really helps me get over things! Sometimes I even knit them a scarf and pray about the situation while I knit, sounds odd, I'm sure, but it works! Then they wear it & are wrapped up in good thoughts for/about them and allows me to release those feelings.

Good luck!
D.