Step-children

If he's old enough to drop out of school, he's old enough to start supporting himself.
My daughter is 19, shares rent and utilities on a house with three roommates, works two jobs to cover her bills and living expenses, and will be starting college in the fall. I occasionally have to help her out if she comes up short on her bills, but she knows that I expect to be paid back ASAP, and if I don't get paid back, then the next time she needs money, it won't be forthcoming.

First I have to step children ages 11 and 12 so kinda understand the step mom thing. This kid knows dad is going to drop everything and come get him! Your husband needs to put a stop to this his son thinking he can control him and this boy needs to learn responsibility and grow up,hey ever heard of Greyhound ? Send him around trip bus fare lots cheaper. Don't get me wrong I believe in helping ur kids when they need, I've helped one of mine out and my husband( her step dad)was the one to suggest it. Your step son knows how to push dads buttons and your husband needs to realize that,helping him out is one thing but him wanting his dad to drop everything at the drop of a hat is another.You need to set ur husband down and explain that u really can't afford all these trips to the other state and show him all the bills and suggest sending him a bus ticket Good luck and wish u the best, like I said I have to but their alot younger so know about the step mom thing,its not them I have the problem its their mom! Go figure

M., i would say you and hubby need to sit down for a chat. Keep in mind that each persons perspectives are different. Be willing to listen to your husbands perspective and try to see from his direction....but he sould be willing to try to see yours as well. I've seen many parents do this type of thing. My personal opinion is that many times when kids are "handed" things in life (such as the education opportunity) they have nothing vested therefore it's not a priority, my thought is that if he wants to come home and if he wants to live with friends he needs to get a job and earn the money to do so. If he has always been "taken care of" in this fashion he doesn't know how to do it any other way, it's expected because it's always been....if this is a new situation then nip it in the bud and tell him if he's not going to school then he needs to get a job and then come home for a visit. All in all you and hubby need to chat and work this all out. not only with this situation but with the other kids as well...he may not even "see" what's going on with the others. Good Luck. R.

I don't know a lot about this kind of issue, but it sounds as if you and your husband need financial counseling (and probably family counseling as well). I think you need to feel that you control decisions about the money you make, and that your children are provided for (college, etc.), and I think this is perfectly legitimate.

Is your husband working two jobs plus overtime? He souldn't have time to baby this adult if you are working that kind of schedule with two children to raise.
Remind your new husband how much he is actually hurting his son by not teaching him the respondsabilites of adulthood. Also if after talking to him about how you feel he cannot see the financial harm he is doing open a bank account with just your name on it, when he leaves to pick his son. Transfer all the money. He will be angery but it will force him to pick up the phone and talk to you. Talk until he undestands your point of view then deposit enough back for the two of them to get home. When they get there son gets a job to get him back to school. The money only goes back to the joint account when the son has accomplished this or your new husband proves his priorities are in order.

You may also share with his this...My mother is 58, in forclosure, has no retirment savings, no life insurance, no health insurace, and cannot repair the hole in the side of her house. My 20yr old sister is a college student with a full scholarship, paid for apartment, utilities, groceries, gas.She works one to two days a week and still expects our mother to pay for car repairs, clean-up after her, do her laundry, buy her new cell phones when she gets them wet, pay for her romming charges, and pay for her to go out with friends when she returns home every other weekend.
My mother has created a monster and in her poor state of health she is at very high risk for a heart attack. What do you think will happen to my sister if the worst were to happen? Her grades would fall under the sudden and overwhelming respondsabilty causing her to loose her scholarship, She is likely to ruin a lot of clothes which she won't be able to afford to replace and will probably eat nothing but cereal, she will soon find herself with out a car or a phone. Stranded up at school with no apartment when the semester ends, no education, no communication, no confidence, and completly lost with out my mother holding her hand.

This is not a situation we place people in when we love them. As parents we are there to help them up when they fall off their bike, we teach them how to ride so they don't fall down, but we do not run behind the bike holding on forever.
Good Luck!

Hi M.,
So...would you be able to love a man who turned his back on his kids when they need him? You know, 19 really isn't so grown up--they still need their parents and some help and guidance along the way. I would be thrilled to think that my stepson was going to school--maybe he isn't sure yet what he wants to do and needs some time to think it through. I had stepkids, too, with lots of "issues"--so I know how hard it can be, but you knew he had this boy when you married him. I hope you can work it out. You seem really resentful of the boy. Maybe your husband is just trying to help him out like he feels a father should do? I don't know. But I would not come down hard between your husband and his son--maybe just explain why you don't want to fork over money left and right, but that you would be willing to pay for him to come visit. All parents want to spend time with their children, no matter how old they get. (P.S., I am on my fourth 19-year-old--it's a very hard age.)
C.

A few people have mentioned budgets and I know it can be overwhelming to start one. There is one that is ready and has a few different categories to get you started at http://www.vertex42.com/ExcelTemplates/monthly-household-...
Also, Dave Ramsey (daveramsey.com) I know has a very detailed budget you could try also. Good Luck!

Gina is right. As the "step" mother in this situation, you can't say much about what he does with his son. The children living at home you said are yours. He may see this that you all are spending money on your kids and he will do the same. Did he do these things when you where dating? He could be feeling divorce guilt and compensating now for perceived misdeeds. I am assuming your children are younger. Does your exhusband support them? Do you all have a written budget? DO you pay the bills or does he? If he doesn't pay the bills, he may not really be aware of how tight the finances really are. The way to perhaps help that is to sit down together in a non-threatening, non-angry way. ( I know that is going to be hard. lol) and do a WRITTEN budget. write down every debt you have and the total amount owed, then write down all monthly expenses and when they are due. even include the kids school lunch etc. You will need to do this everymonth as expenses change. Perhaps doing the bills together will give him a greater since of the reality of your finances. He may see the rent as your responsibility since it is your children living at home. I agree about the bus ticket as well. If son wants to come home so badly he will not mind. There are promotions in the summer especially for bus tickets that are very reasonable. Sometimes even flights can sometimes be cheaper than driving. You say there are other step children issues, these are very stressful on a marriage as you are currently living. Good luck sweetie, remember we are always here for support.

Well, without much information it is hard to decide which way to go here.

I wonder, how often he "rescues" his son? Are they usually close? He must miss him when he is away at school.

How much does it really cost for gas money to come home? I can drive a lot of miles on a tank of gas. I guess if you lived in Galveston Texas and the son was in Nebraska then it would be a major trip, several days long and 3-4 tanks of gas.

Why are you having to work 2 jobs just to pay rent? Have you been together a long time but just married? You said recently blended family is why I ask. Does he pay all the other bills?

You said your children live with you and all 3 are within 3 years of each other. Are your children paying part of the bills? Do they get their stuff paid for or do they support themselves.

I think I would totally resent my husband taking off work and going on a road trip to pick up his son for a visit and then have to take him back in a couple of weeks. I would suggest that he send him a paid non refundable bus ticket.

In the future you may have to set up your budget to allow him to set aside money to be used at his discretion, with no accountability to you, for his son. It could be as little as $20.00 a pay day in a separate account. He is his father and he will grow to resent you, and what you spend on your kids, if you don't let him have the same choice.

Disputes over kids and money can cause a relationship to go down the drain quickly. What is most important? Only you can answer that.