Stay at Home Mom Vs. Working Mom

V.,
I understand the tension when it comes to working v. not working, I had made the decision mid second trimester to not go back to work, losing EXCELLENT benefits and work hours, etc. The thought that kept going through my mind was "I will never pass this way again with my daughter, but I can always find a job." And so here I am almost 2 and a half years later, still at home. I did take a part-time job in retail for a while to get out of the house, but overall I am my daughter's primary care giver and don't regret it for a day--we have a blast together, I have my melt downs, but the joy is irreplaceable. I believe there are no substitutions for being a mommy to our little ones, even though our society makes it seem like we can't make it staying home, we can. I have had to go on separate insurance b/c my husband's was more money, and have to learn to say to "things" right now, but I have said YES to so much more--my daughter, my time, energy, the stuff that will last. I believe when we make the best decisions for our children sake, not for financial sake, the universe lines up with that. I understand the pressure to provide, but you're still young (I am 32), and have faith that my life is not over just b/c I chose to stay home with my daughter.
As far as having your children close together, I have friends that only waiting a year, and needless to say, they're STRESSED and tired all the time. I love being able to cherish every moment with Emma and wait til she's more independent to focus on another baby. I hope this gives you more clarity.
So many women don't listen to their gut, instead give into their fears...listen to your heart.
V. S. (funny, huh?)

1 mom found this helpful

Children really need their moms at home with them, especially for the first 3 years, as they are critical to their growth, development and to bonding. Believe it or not the first three years have a lot to do with who they become as a person later on in life.

I would highly suggest you sacrifice the extra money now and stay home with him and finish college. That way you can bond and take care of him and when he's a bit older you can still go get a good job.

You will never regret having stayed home with you son but you may very well regret having not stayed home with him. It's worth the sacrifice to stay home the first few years.

V.,

Like you, I have been on all sides of this fence. You have experience with stay-at-home and with part-time so maybe it will help if I share my FT work experience.

When my son was born I was working FT and we decided that I would stay with my career... so as much as it broke my heart I put him in daycare at 8 weeks old. (I probably would not have if I had not found the amazing person I did). But even though she was amazing I cried everyday and rushed home everyday and spent every waking moment with him. I always had the same fears you are having now.

What I think made it possible was the person he was with. A mother herself, who previously worked FT with her daughter in daycare, she was very careful never to steal my moment. For example: She did not tell me when he took his first steps at her house so I would not know that I missed them. (We became very close friends over time and I found that out much later!) She expected my call everyday at lunch and let me "talk" to him. When he began to "talk" she would tell me at the end of each day that he called for mama. Etc, Etc. (And she was reliable. She would never have taken him somewhere without telling me. If she wanted to go somewhere she would call, let me know where she wanted to take him, and ask if it was okay).

And one day a great thing happened. We were at a birthday party for a mutual friend and my son crawled over to her and gave her a big hug (which told me that he loved her and that made me happy) but then he crawled to me and hugged and would not let go (and that feeling cannot be described). It's not like that happened every day, but any thoughts I had that he might love her more were diminished. Even with reduced time I spent with him, he clearly knew I was mom. He is now 6 years old and we are very close! So that's my advice on FT work.

My opinion is that the best of both worlds is part-time work. You have plenty of time with your baby but also have a break. And if you find a wonderful person to care for him, it is good for him also. He will be able to participate in play with other children and the time you have with him after work is sooooooo amazing on both ends. BUT THAT IS ONLY AN OPINION!!!! Do what is best for you and your family... You know your family better than anyone!

Don't let go of those precious moments that will never be again. Jobs will come and go careers will come and go, but your son's first's will never come again. If you have the financial ability to stay home do so, you will be rewarded in the end. I know it is a personal decision, but obviously you are having doubts, money is not everything.

I had no choice but to work...still don't and it's hard but it's the quality of time with your kids that counts. I truely believe that sending my daughter to daycare made me a more patient parent when I was with her and made me appreciate my nights and weekends with her more rather than always being there and taking it for granted thereby allowing the TV to babysit her as my SAHM sister did with her kids. As my daughter got older we started having special days where we played "hooky" together for a special day just for us which is great!! She's in the 5th grade now and we still play "hooky" on a teacher planning days when my hubby is at work. Also, you will always be Mom! Nobody can take your place! You're lucky you have options!

It is only natural that your son bonds with whomever is caring for him. It does not mean that he stops bonding with you or loving you. As long as there is a caring good person looking after him he will be fine. Personally I wish I could be home now. My daughters are fifteen and in that awkward teen stage with lots of peer pressure. I think they need my guidance more now than when they were younger. My mother took care of them pretty much for the first five years of their life. While they do look to her as a mother that does not mean that they never looked to me as one also. They are close to their grandmother but they are also very close to me. Yes you will miss most of the "firsts", just as I did but enjoy what time you have with him and make it quality time.

I too am a working mom and make more money then my husband. I have struggled with this same issue many times. I still cry everyday I leave my daughter in daycare and she is 16mths old now. It is so hard. I would definitely try to find someone else to watch your child because you need to know where he is and what is happening to him. Plus, you want him to be able to play and not drive around in a car all day that is not fun at all for a child. As for daycare, my daughter loves it. She loves to play with other children and they do so many activities with her (i.e. sing, water days, art projects). i think the daycare has helped my daughter be more social. She is not shy and can talk nonstop to anyone. I know it was hard because daycares don't take care of your child the same way you would but the social interaction with other kids is so essential. If I had a choice today to stay at home I would take it in a heart beat but I know that isn't realistic for us. We wouldn't have health care without my job and wouldn't be able to afford much of anything, we would be struggling from paycheck to paycheck which would create so much worry and anxiety that wouldn't be healthy for my daughter. You can only decide what is best for your family and what you want to do. Fortunately, my daughter is closer to me then anyone else because my husband doesn't spend a lot of time with her so I am still the only one that can comfort her which feels really good but I know I am missing out on some special moments. I take whatever time I can get. I use to visit her at my lunch hour and now I work through lunch so I can get off an hour earlier to pick her up, plus I reduced my work schedule to 32 hrs a week so I have one extra day a week for just us. This situation isn't as good as staying at home but it has helped easy the pain of leaving her. You need to figure out what would work best for you whether it is a reduced schedule, staying at home or working full time just finding someone else to care for your child. Good luck with your decision and trust be a daycare can be a good place for a one year old, my daughter loves to interact with other children and she gets that plus a lot of fun activities I would have never thought about in her daycare.

I had an issue where I was given a good position at the Discovery channel or stay at home with my son. I chose my son and I work part time with our family owned Business. We actually always look for people to work part time with us and make really good income. My father has been in the business for 16 years. You chooe the hours you want to work. I have been able to bring my son to work, we have a family friendly enviorment. This is one of our websites. www.womeninprimerica.com. If you would like more information feel free to contact me ____@____.com

Hi V.,
You're not alone. I'm also a working mom who is heart-broken seeing my child grow up so quickly and not being able to spend time with her but there are goals that I have to achieve (also a home) that will make our lives better so I try to think of it as a tiny sacrifice. Your son is very young and hopefully by the time you buy your home, you'll see other options available where you will be able to spend more time with your son. Until then, hang in there and cherish every weekend. It's tough, but it's not going to be forever.

C..

Just be reassured that you are doing what is best for your family and that a lot of women feel the same way you do.....I know I am constantly torn between work and my son. When I am at work I feel I should be there more hours and when I am at home I want to be home more with my one year old son. Even though I work less hours than my husband, sometimes I feel like he spends more time with him (I think it is just b/c he gets to pick him up from daycare most days). In the beginning I was worried about my son attaching too much to our nanny (well after going through three nannies, that wasn't an issue). Now that he is in a larger daycare setting it makes our together time seem so much more special b/c I know he is not getting that one on one interaction as much there (but the interaction with the other kids is great) It makes me feel good to see how excited he gets when I pick him up, and even though it is hard on the days he cries when I drop him off (it only lasts a couple minutes) it is working well. I do love my job and luckily I get to show pictures and talk about my son all day long it seems with my patients at my office. I am the primary bread-winner right now, and without me working our family could not have what we have right now....our first home that we love and more finacial security for our future. Lucily my job is considered full-time at 32 hours and I have a great boss who lets me schedule my days as I need too.

I can only tell you what I did as a single mother of two young boys. I did need to work. I did that for about two years put them in day care and cried almost every single day, partly because of the divorce I was going thru and mainly because I didn't think it was fair to them to be in a place from about 8 or 8:30 til about 5:30 in the afternoon..It pains me just to type this now and it's been 12 years ...I don't know if you have family here. I was lucky to have family so my brother gave me the idea - he said most of our family that could watch the boys (then 3 and 1) worked during the week but everyone was off on the weekends...so why didn't I look for a shift just on the weekends and then I could be at home with them all week and they (my family)could keep them all weekend..so with GOD's help and some luck I think...I asked at the hospital where I was working if there was something open where I could work a bunch of hours on the weekend and low and behold there was...I worked two 16hrs shifts which allowed me to keep my full time benefits and be home with the boys - all though I was exhausted on Mondays - Bonus - I no longer had to pay for daycare. I was over joyed that this different way of approaching my dilema worked out. I'm very grateful to have had that time with my kids and it was great that they where with family having a good time. Once they were both in school I was able to go back to school and improve my self...I always managed to arrange my job or jobs and school around them. I found out later-on that my bosses admired my firmness about putting my kids first and usually would do what I needed in or to take care of them. Bottom line they are only little once and you have to do what you feel. It sometimes takes a differt view to come up with something that's good for everyone and sometimes it takes sacrifices....Your lucky to be in a two parent relationship where he has his other parent there if your not -update on me - I am now happily remarried,to a wonderful man we have an almost two year old baby girl and my boys are 16yrs and 13yrs and very self confident young men. sorry if this is too long
take care ~A.

This is a very hard decision for any mother and I have done it all. I have worked full time, part-time and stayed at home. For me the perfect balance has been part-time, it gets me out of the house, the boys get to socialize and get used to being away from mommy/daddy. Now I also have many friends who work full time and they face the same dilemmas you face. I am sure your child is not forgetting you or loving you less, as I don't think a baby can have that rational of thinking. I would say look at the positives your baby is able to bond with a variety of people showing he is well adjusted. As they grow up it wonderful to have a child who can be comforted by a variety of people so that YOU get a break!! Sounds like you have a great job situation and it can lead to a better future for you son and you. Maybe finding daycare that you really like and feel great with will make this a much easier decision, so before giving up your career try new daycare. Good luck.

It's a tough call. From your post I can see that it's not that easy to go to work and leave your son. From my own experience I can tell you that it's not that easy to stay home. The money is the most obvious difference, but I am very blessed to have a husband who earns enough for us to live comfortably on one income. I also help by repping with a direct marketing company (home parties, etc.) which has worked out for me to stay home, though I confess it's not a superb income, just fun money for me.

It's difficult to stay home and watch other moms succeed in careers. Though I do feel that staying home is best in our family, and I can't see myself ever working outside the home, the "success" part of raising children is not necessarily a noticeable, and it's especially not celebrated, achievement.

There's never a promotion or a raise. There's hardly ever direct feedback. No one ever says, "hey great job on that diaper! It was a real doozy but you took care of it like a pro." Children respond very slowly...If I think about it I can see that my kids' manners used to be much worse, but I have to think about it. All I see right now is how bratty they are! It takes 18 (or many more!) years to raise a child, where in "the field" it takes weeks or months per project.

At times it is very lonely and very frustrating. At times I wish someone else could do it for me. But I know that the grass is always greener!

Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes: I would add up my expenses for working: gas, mileage, childcare, eating out, anything associated with working full time...be frank with yourself. Then figure your net income (take home pay). Then subtract your expenses from your net income. Then decide if the money that's left is worth it. You decide with the "it" is!

You may also want to do the math on the hours left with your kids. 24 hours in a day. Then subtract the number of hours you work. Then subtract the number of hours they sleep. Then subtract the number of hours you get a babysitter for other stuff (maybe working trips or ?) The number that remains is the number of hours per week you're actually spending with your kids. It might help with perspective.

Again, maybe it works out to work! A lot of moms do, and I certainly respect that. I just wanted to help maybe give you a mathmatic formula so you could approach the decision from a different perspective. Maybe seeing the numbers will help you, either way?!?!

OH! I just thought of something! Could you ask your employer if you could job-share with someone? So you split the income, split the hours, and maybe the person you job share with has benefits from her husband's job and you could have full benefits (looking at it from the employer's perspective, they're paying full benefits for one person anyway, so it's no different for them).

?

H.

Hi V.
Sorry you're going through this. Most working moms do, and a lot of stay at home moms do as well. I stayed home with my kids for the first two years of their life (mine are 25 months). It was good, I thought for them. But I missed working as well. I found myself watching way too much court tv. When they turned 15 months, i got a job full-time to work from home, and I still do. But when my girls turned two i realized i didn't do them much good. they're attached so much to me, i can't go to bathroom for a minute without them screaming and crying. They didn't get to socialize much with kids their age (i am afraid to go out by myself with them), so we enrolled them part time in daycare. It wasn't because we needed the money, it was because they needed to see how other kids operate. Now, I am very surprised, ebcause on the days they're home, it seems like they're all day long unhappy. I try different games and hugs and kisses and cuddling, and tickletime, and coloring, but it doesn't keep them happy for too long. whereas when i pick them up from daycare, i almost always find them smiling and engaged in some play. even though i don't have a specific advice for you since i haven't dealt with what you're dealing with, i wanted to point out daycare does kids good. and then on the days you're off, even just on weekends, but evenings and well you'll get to spend time with your son. he will not forget. you're his mommy always. i do wnat to say that we tried a nanny for a while but it did not work well for us. daycare did. so my suggestion would be daycare for him. in a few years you'll get established at your work, and the possibility exists you can always try to negotiate with your boss to work some days at home some in the office, and if that happens you can put your son part-time in daycare and have him at home the days you're there.
all moms go through this. you're not the only one. i understand financial stability, while it isn't everything, it does bring peace of mind. you're the provider right now. feminists would LOVE you :)
good luck
V.

You probably have not gotten a lot of feedback on this because it is such a HARD question.

I chose not to go back to work after my daughter was born. I took 3 months off from my job and about two weeks before my three months was up and went in and resigned. However, part of what made this easier for me was because I did not really LOVE my job and it was not something that would really lead into a great opportunity in the future so that made it easier for me to give up the job. Giving up the income was another story. It is hard to live on only one income and some people can do it and some can not do it, it all depends on how much that one income is.

I do not believe that your son is forgetting you. It may feel that way since he is finding comfort from your husband and the sitter but you will always be mommy.

On the sitter issue, I understand that she is a family friend and maybe she does not understand that the things that she is saying to you are hurting your feelings. Course you did say something, if I remember correctly, about she is not really doing things the way that you want them done, I would definitly talk to her about that and see if you guys can not come to an understanding of how you want things done.

I think that part of the reason that this question is so hard is because if we do work then we open more opportunities for our family currenty and in the future whereas if we stay home then we get to raise our children the way we want them raised instead of trusting someone else to do it.

I ended up actually pretty much getting the best of both worlds as I found a job that I really really like and it is strictly homebased. I am an independent contractor for a transcription company and I love the work, it allows me to make a little extra money for my family and I get to stay home with my daughter. Since I do my own scheduling I have no problems having to get off so that I can go on a field trip with her or if she is sick or anything like that.

Your situation is a lot tougher because you have a job that you really like. Is there anyway with your job that you can work four ten hour days and have an extra day off to spend with your son?

Okay, I know that this has been no help at all to you and I apologize for my ranting. I have just been sitting here thinking and I can not come up really with anything except for the fact that you need to sit down and go over all of the pros and cons, have a heart to heart with your fiance and pretty much go from there. It is a really hard decision based on the feelings that you are having.

Good luck and I wish you all the best.

M. N.

I too am a working mom. For the first 4 months of her life I was home with her. I feared the same thing you do- that your child has 'forgotten' you because you're not there all the time. But you'll notice that when it comes down to it, you're ALWAYS mommy. He won't forget, and he loves you no less.

But I'd also HONESTLY and fairly look into what's more important to you, essentially- being home with him and raising him the way you want, or being able to provide things that you couldn't before (both of which are very valid motivations)? I know therein is the problem, but it's something you need to seriously discuss with your fiance (becaue it will have an impact on him too).

Also, since this is a family friend that is watching your son, why not ask them to bring him up to your job for your lunch break? Or your husband, since he gets him at noon? That may give you a bit of QT that recharges your 'mommy batteries'.

Just some thoughts. Whenever I'm working and my sister can bring my daughter to me at work, I take advantage- it gives me a few moments with her...