Sports Mom Concerns

As a former HS coach, I feel it is very important for kids to learn that they do not get equal playing time unless they earn it. I do recommend that if she really wants to excel in basketball that she plays in a different rec league that is more competitive than Upward and practice, practice, practice on her own. It is a good idea to find out from her if she doesn't want to play anymore because she's not interested in basketball or because she isn't getting the playing time she wants. If is the later, don't force her to play. (Don't force her either way.) My rule has always been...if you start something, you must finish it but you don't have to play anymore after that. (This way she learns to see things through.) If it is the former, she needs to learn now that she must work harder to improve and she may never be more than a role player. The important thing to remember is that this is a TEAM sport and we all have our roles and must contribute in our own ways. It may be that she prefers softball more and should concentrate on that sport. Because she's in middle school right now she still has the chance to go back to basketball if she misses it. Also, if she really wants this, she should not rely on the coaches to motivate her. She should motivate herself and the attention will come to her (just as in life)...self-motivate. You are right sports are too time consuming to play if you're not interested in it. Just make sure she really doesn't like it instead of being discouraged. I truly believe in sports and that you learn important life skills by participating in them. Good luck!

P.S. Just as a side note, I know it seems as if coaches are treating the kids unfairly, but often they are not. They have to find a balance between teaching the sport and being competitive with other teams. Kids like to win...I been on both sides (winning teams and losing teams)...kids like to win because it's more fun. But if you feel the coach is being unfair (sometimes they are), then I would suggest having a friendly conversation with the coach at an appropriate time...not before or after a game. I would schedule a meeting with him/her. Approach it calmly and as you are concerned and wonder if there is anything that can be done on yours or your child's part. They may be able to offer some insight on things you have not considered.

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I played all sorts of sports, danced and played the piano. All of the sudden I just didn't feel like it anymore when I was in Middle School I quit everything. I am not sure what my thought process was but I wish I would have stuck with something. I really think I had a fear of failure or just didn't think I was good enough. I would try to get to the bottom of it and also see if there is something else your daughter may want to do instead. I wish I would have stuck with something.

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She's only 12 so if her heart isn't in it, I think it's okay to let her stop playing basketball. But if you do, it is essential that you redirect her. If she loves softball and only sort of likes basketball at this point, let her join softball. You may want to consider having her finish out this season of basketball (depending on how much is left) to show her that she did make a commitment to the team and she should honor that. Next season she can try something else.

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You're right, kids would do better if coaches treated the kids as equal, but your daughter is moving into the world of truly competitive sports as she gets older, and that world doesn't work that way. Many kids who play middle school ball will go on to play in high school, and some of those kids will be looking to play in college and beyond. If you're daughter is no longer a star player in this area, she needs to decide if she wants to work to become one, be okay with just being on the team, or if she wants to move on to something else.

With that said, I'm also in favor of her finishing out the season. Talk with her about how best to deal with the situation she's in--this is a hard but great learning opportunity. At then end of the season or the begining of the next, talk with her about what she likes best about basketball and softball and have her decide where she wants to focus her energy and time--or maybe she wants to try something else? The older she gets, the more hard work sports teams will be, but if she doesn't have the passion and/or can't find the fun in it despite the hard work, then she should spend her time doing something else.

Good luck!

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I suggest you have her talk to her coach about her frustration of not getting play time and have her ask if and when (maybe next year?) she will get more play time. Then I would sit down with her and talk about the pros and cons of stopping. Let her make the decision but you should also let her be the one to tell the coach. If she decides to quit the basketball team, find another less intense sport for her to play during basketball season or dance or music lessons, etc.

Good Luck,
A.

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Do NOT push her to do this if she is only half hearted about it. Let her follow her own dreams - the only reason she would seriously regret quitting the team is if she has the potential of being a professional and it doesn't sound like that's the case. Let her stick with the softball, you will both be happier.

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I work in a Sports Medicine clinic and all too often see parents overly push their kids. Let her decide, if she doesn't want to play with the school league if you force her she will most likely end up hating it. I would just encourage her to play on the other league. Who knows, maybe with one more year on the other league under her belt she may be ready to try with the school league again and this time might excel. Unfortunatley though, most schools do play favorites with their "star players"

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I guess the only thing I will say is that we have a rule in our house. Think really hard about whether you want to tryout/play a sport, because once you start you are in it for the season. We want our children to understand that when you commit to something, people depend on you and you don't quit. My son wanted to quit wrestling when he was in the 8th grade. We told him that there will be times in his life when he will want to quit, but it's not always possible. He stuck out the season. Not sure if this is the best advice, but it's just how we do it.

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P.,
I would always reason with my girls and let them know once you start a sport you must give it your all. One, work hard so your coaches see what talents you have. Two, you are a younger one on the team and usually the older more experienced girls do get more playing time. Three, this is a great leason to learn now because in life there are always people in the "real working world" that gets the opportunities to advance before you. Start learning now that you have to work HARD for what you want. She apparently wanted to be on the team or she wouldn't of tried out. Let her know that you believe in her and you know that if she works really hard she can earn more playing time and to always have a positive team spirit and attitude when she is at practice and on the court!!!
Good Luck!!! Plus, from experience coaches talk and if she quits this sport then the other coaches of softball and volleyball etc will remember if she starts she may quit on them and then they may be in a mess. Encourage her to stick it out and it will be worth it in the long run. You don't want this to follow her throughout her whole school years and into high school.

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Hi P.,

I was one of those basketball players that worked my butt off for a few minutes of play each game...and it was always the last 2 minutes of the games so that the coach could play his stars. I had played my entire middle/high school years but sat my senior year so the coach could "build his team".

I made a commitment to play and finished out the season...our team even made it to the play-offs. In our last game of the season my coach pulled the "clear the bench drill" in the last 2 minutes of the game. There were 3 other senior players and myself that sat the bench that game and the other 3 all moved quickly to get in. I approached our coach and told him that I'll gladly wait on the bench to watch the end of the game. I was done allowing him to make me feel like I wasn't worth the time to play more than a couple minutes. It was the best feeling in the world to walk away and sit back down.

I agree that if the season has started she needs to stick it out but if the season has yet to start and she's telling you this now, I would support her decision to leave the school team. You've said she's a natural athlete and it sounds as if the softball league will fill the place of the basketball and she's still doing something she enjoys.

Peace,
J.

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I have always had a rule with my kids when it comes to joining whatever: Any opportunity that comes up I offer it to them, it is their choice if they want to or not, but if they do, not matter how much they wine about it, they have to finish that season, it's not fair to the other players if they quite midseason and it shows them that they have to follow through.
Now as far as the upwards compared to the school team, if I am not mistaken the upwards team is focused on treating everyone fairly with equal playing time. The school team is a competition, only the good players get on the team and it seems to be a constant competition as to who gets to play. If playing on the school team will make her not like the sport then I would let her quit. It would be ashame if dealing with the competativness of school sports made her not like sports. I hope she makes the right desiscion for herself.
Good luck
A.

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First of all if the child is in her first year of playing basketball in middle school she will have to realize that she is an underclassman and has to earn her postion with confidence and drive. If the potential is there as you say it is the only way she can play more is to show the coaches she can. Don't blame the coaches for not playing her if she is not applying herself. She has to realize she cannot start with a team and expect to play the entire game. Many children sit the bench and are happy to get the 2 minute playing time and I call that drive and confidence but most of all commitment to the team. I always told my children if they started something they had to finish it and I personally would make her continue with the team she committed to. She has to learn she cannot be the "star" without paying her dues and committing. These are just my takes on this and I hope it helps.

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I agree with making kids finish out a season once they've committed to a team.
Does she want to quit all sports or just one particular team/sport? If its just 1 team maybe she's having a problem with the coach or kids. If its just 1 sport maybe she'd rather focus on another, ex: playing just softball instead of splitting her time and talent between softball and basketball. She my be getting old enough that she's realized you can't do everything and maybe she's making a choice. I'd try talking to her more and see if she can explain her reasons for wanting to quit. Then you may be better able to decide

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Ask her if she would rather play in the rec league and if she wants to, it must be b/c she is better on that team and her self esteem is being bruised on the school team. I played soccer all of my life and was the star player in my younger years. I played rec, travel, and school and was a star player. I got to high school and made the Varsity team my freshman year.....then, I found out I was not as good as some of those girls. They played harder and rougher and I just couldn't keep up. I stuck with it b/c I loved the sport but I continued to play rec and traveling team as well. It kept my esteem up, let me feel good about myself while I was not feeling so good while at school. I continued to make Varsity each year but did not play the entire game like I was used to. If she truly does not want to play, let her quit. School ball is so hard on the esteem and if it makes her feel bad, she should not do it. But if she enjoys playing, let her continue on rec and whatever other teams there are that she does enjoy. She can go on into high school if she wants to and even better, continue on in college. I played until I was over 30 and then realized that after my first child...my mind thought I could do more than my body did! :o) Sports are amazing and I think all kids should play but if she does better on rec, let her play then and do something else in school.

W.

It sounds like you want this for her more than she wants it for herself. Absolutely, NO, don't 'push' her. You have 2 other children and they need 'equal time'. Only ENCOURAGE any of them to do what they're passionate about.

We have too many adults who are either 'driven' to excel or are 'burnt out' from always striving to 'be the best' and 'do more'. That's not what life's about. We need to teach our kids --first and foremost-- that God put us here to make life more pleasant for OTHERS, not to try to be the center of everything. The world doesn't revolve around ANY of us, now does it? I truly believe that, when all's said and done and life is over, the only thing that's going to matter is how we treated others . . .

Maybe she just needs a rest from sports to concentrate on something fun, or her schoolwork, or a community project, or music, or just being with the family! I'm sure she has other more relaxing and fulfilling interests that she simply hasn't had time to get involved with.

My 4 children are all adults now, and none of them were ever competitive. Only one did well in competitive sports (although they all tried them), and that was wrestling. Even that wasn't his passion, though. It seems that if kids are calm and mannerly, it's difficult for them to be competitive. Just build on their natural attributes and character and don't try to get them to be something they're not. This lessens their confidence, it doesn't build it.

Good luck and God bless.

P.,

If your daughter is a natural athlete, it is a shame for her to waste her talents because she is discouraged this year. It is so hard for children who are used to being the star player to have to take a back seat for a while. She has to have talent or she would not have made all those great teams. I agree that if she chose to play on a team, she should at least stick it out through the season before quiting. She does need to realize that you just don't give up when times get rough. 12 is an age full of a lot of adjustments.

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Best of luck & I hope she makes the right decision. If she is truly an athlete, I hate for her to miss out because of being discouraged right now.
Thanks,
J. C

As a former athlete I think that you should encourage her to stick it out through this season and uphold her committment. Sports taught me so many lessons and while I had some awesome teams and great coaches, I also had terrible teams and terrible coaches. But looking back on it now, I see that sticking it through to the end, made me a better person. Able to endure lame jobs and lame bosses. I don't think you should shove it down her throat (not that it sounds like you are), some parents make kids play and it's painful all the way around. Just endure through the season. In the meantime, maybe brainstorm some other activities she's never had time for but would like to try. Also, I think it's good that maybe she's not the star on this team. Sometimes kids get to be the star all their life and then when the real world hits, it's a rude awakening. I know it's a hard dilemma, especially since you're the one living through it and having to drive to practices and such. Those are my thoughts, for what they're worth.

It sounds like your daughter is kept pretty busy. In my humble opinion, I'd encourage her to do what she really enjoys doing, all kids get tired of things, but u may have more success if u just really push 1 thing.

This is a good time for her to take a break and try something totally different. By the time she gets to high school, she can go back if she wants, it may not take that much time if she misses it. Mine swam, another all consuming sport. They got burned out for awhile too, and went back, but not so big time. I would rather see them more well rounded. How about, some cooking classes, art, music, volunteering for the animals etc?
Good luck with your decision, but now that mine are grown, and looking back, what seems to have mattered was good grades, family time, and enjoying life.

Remind the coach she is there to PLAY.

When I was 12, my mother informed my coach that if all the girls did not get to play she would rip his arm off and beat him with the bloody stump... everyone played that game. (true story)

Seriously,
If this league is focused on just winning, no body "wins". That is bad sportsmanship. If the league is unwilling to shift it's focus, perhaps another league will be better suited for her if she still has love for the game.

She should love what she is doing, but also work through the issues so as not to give up every time she is faced with a problem. Fine line, mom. Use your gut.

Good luck!

your daughter is old enough to know what she wants to do if you decide for her she might not devote her whole heart into it and school starts soon.if shes a good student and wants to devote her free time to softball or basketball great as long as her grades stay up to par the education is the most inporten part.as well as the drive to do her best and thats somthing only she can answer.good luck

Allow her to chose ONE thing she LOVES to do. Being pushed constantly winds up hurting not only her but your RELATIONSHIP with your daughter. Thankfully my mom never pushed me, I pushed myself, I was never in sports due to bad knees, but I was in choir, student council, drama, yearbook... don't allow your daughter to become whiped out, don't push her into something she despises. If you feel more comfortable about it, ask her to go for it 2 more weeks, if she still isn't into it, then let her drop it. Also quite frankly, sometimes a child doesn't even need any extra curricular activities. my kids atm are blissfully happy just playing in our own back yard, not having to run back and forth to one practice or another. and speaking of running around make sure you don't get caught up in the whirlwind and make some down time for yourself.