Son Wanting to Be with Dad More.. Long Story, PLEASE Help!

When my daughter was 5 years old her father came back in to the picture. The first few months she screamed and cried every time he came to pick up. I had to drag her out of the closet and out the front door. It was horrible! Soon however she realized that Daddy would take her to all the places that mommy never did, like Main Event or Shlitterbaun(sp?). Now she loves to go. She does make the case that I never do any thing fun with her, but I just told her that we were breaking the parenting up in to two parts, I make sure that she brushes her teeth and eats her veggies, Daddy makes sure that she has fun every now and then. Just because we aren't married any more we are still a team, working together for her best interest. Try not to take it too seriously. Kids are master manipulators and if they see that there is strain between the two of you they will figure out how to work that. Just keep a light heart and when he says, Your no fun! You say,"That's right! Just doing my job!"

I'm surprised that he was given any rights after not seeing or helping pay any child support for all those years! Did you seek an attorney's help with this? (Just curious.) It's going to be a difficult transition. Stay steady and consistent. Your son has emotions he doesn't know how to handle at this young age. Of course things are new and exciting... and for the first time his father wants him! Tell him something like, "I know you're excited that your dad is spending time with you now. That's very special. However, that does not give you the right to be rude or disrespectful to us."

Don't try to compete, just constantly remind him that you love him more than he could possibly know and reflect back to the fun times you've shared together. If you put this man down, all it's going to do is push him closer to him. From the sounds of it, this is all relatively fresh and new. Time will reveal a lot and children are smarter than we give them credit for. The "honeymoon phase" will wear off and your son will start to see things for what they really are. And, if it happens to be GOOD things, then be thankful. Ask the dad to support you in trying to get him to show respect to you.

This must be so h*** o* you, M. and I'm sorry you have to go through this. Unfortunately, the choices we make in the past don't always turn out like we want them to in the future. Pray and talk to God. He's always there for you!

Blessings always,
M.

The relationship with dad sounds new, like a new toy. The visits sound like vacations, and who wants a vacation to end. Give it more time and I think the new will wear off. Keep reminding your son how you want him around and need him, and that he is an important part of your family. Kids need to be reminded they are wanted, and he may think your fiance is your new family and you don't need him anymore? Maybe he thinks his dad needs him more? If you have him 6 days of the week, I imagine you are taking care of the normal things- homework, bedtimes, chores- and dad gets one day of fun focused only on your son.

Okay - Most important for you to keep in your mind it ---- Bigger Picture!

Look at the larger picture here - your son is 6. You can only say things to him on his level, such as - "That is great - I am so happy you are enjoying yourself with your dad."

You can also talk with your son on his level that you will not tollerate rude behavior from him - i.e. hurting your feelings, your boyfriend/fiance's feelings. And make it clear that each parent here has their special traits - ask your son to write a list of three of his fav. things about you as a mom, three things about your fiance as a parent too. Focus on this with him when he is with you and KEEP THINGS POSITIVE for your little boy.

1. This may wear off BUT
2. If it doesn't ---
a. talk to the father and tell him that he needs to try and do some quality time without the money stuff - that's crucial - use the basic idea that you are sure he'll agree as a parent in these hard ecomomic times, you do not want your son to have a false view of reality concerning having fun and money - the two do not need to be connect always.
b. another thing you can say to his father is that it would not be healthy for your son in the long run to equate "dad" with "money" and make sure you add that 'you're sure he'll agree' that he would want a better relationship than that with his son. Ask him to get creative as to keeping things simpler and making some great bonding out of that.

Bottom line M. is that you have to come from a place of "what is best for the child" with your ex -

All that said - seriously, I have been through this and the BIGGER PICTURE is that your son knows the truth - that the person he can count on and always has counted on is YOU, not his dad. Do not always focus on what he says, focus on what he doesn't say - and how he really shows who he trusts - believe me it isn't his absent father who just came out of nowhere. Be strong and know this is the truth of the matter. NEVER deviate from this truth! Hold yourself firm in this. AND later, if your ex is still in the picture and didn't get bored with the "new daddy" thing, you can bet that your son will come to you and your new husband for what he really needs - time, love, guidance, and the best of care. This is for you to know in your heart, especially if the ex doesn't comply with your wishes. Keep strong - I am a mom of three and have dealt with this twice - in the long run - the kids know who they can count on - whether they say the opposite or not.

Good luck and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
Alli

Dad is a novelty now and loads of fun, of course he wants to be with him now. Be as supportive as you can. Some day he will understand the dynamics of your relationship and may not be so enamoured with dad.

Gently explain to him that he lives with you and that is not going to change. tell him it is easy to be the fun parent to do things all the time but that is just one tiny part of life. Explain that he has you to take care of him always and to make sure he grows into a good person. Tell him that while both of his parents love him, he has to live with you to ensure the little non-fun things in life are done.

You have gotten some good advise from others and I want to let you know that I was once in the same situation as my ex had some much more money than I and that was very impressive to my daughter when she was young. She idolized him because she didn't see him when she was growing up and then at the age of 10 he came in to her life but as usual not for long and he was in and out of her life ever since. Just continue to tell your son that you love him and how sad you would be if he left you to live with his father. I see nothing wrong with letting him know you have feelings as well. Everything right now is new and Dad is making up for lost time. That will die down and your son will then see a different side of the picture. Unfortunately you have your child with you so you are the one taking care of his every need including the discipline and your ex-husband is not in that position. You son is smarter than you think and if it came down to Ok you can live with Dad I would almost bet he wouldn't go or if he did he would be calling you to come back within a month. You and your ex need to work together and you need to let your ex know what is going on as he may not be aware, however there is always the other side and how do you know your ex isn't putting stuff in your sons head. Keep good notes in case your ex is saying things to your son to undermind you as you may need them if you have to take him to court in the future. My daughter as I said adored her father, but when she got in to her teens though I am sure she was confused as to why he would come into her life and then leave she finally figured him out in her own time. She still loves him to this day but unfortunately their relationship is more like a business relationship than a father and daughter, but at least they do communicate. Your current fiance is going to have to understand what is going on and be careful as far as the discipline by him with your son as your son may go back and tell his father who in turn decides to take you to court for full custody. I like the others hope your ex is paying child support and if he isn't you need to make sure he is. If he isn't the courts may take his rights away. It is hard with blended families but it does all work out in the long run. If your son still feels this way when he is a teenager then you might let him live with Dad for a while and see how it works. You want only the best for your son and I am sure you don't want him with any issues that you could possibly avoid when he gets older. Do not knock the ex to him as this will just push him away at this point, but just let him know that you and his father love him very much. Good Luck to you.

Does the dad pay child support? If yes, share a little of it with your son. If no, get to family court immediately. He'll have to pay retroactive to birth plus interest. Your son is six. How old is the other child. Has the dad married and does he have children? If your son is his only child, then you son doesn't have to share him with anyone like he does with you and the second child. Don't give in. Six is a little too young to tell your son that his dad abandoned him for years, just tell him that he must abide with the court order and live with you and see his father on week-ends, because you are the mother and little boys are supposed to live with their mothers. Of course the dad is trying to "buy" him. Find out where he was all those years and why all of a sudden he has this interest in the child he abandoned.

Well Biologicals are always important to the kids and they should be to you too. Let the father have his child as often as the court documents allow. Do not struggle with the other parent it makes matters worse for the kid more than you think. The attitude changes and so does yours. Watch out for yours and allow the kid to act out after exchange. He is living in two different countries (look at it that way). Just because he has money-so what-let your child get what he can--he is his father. No matter if he had no money--he is the fun parent-he has no time for punishment. It will always be more fun and you should not try to stay up with what his father does. You be the mother you can be. About the boring part with you, he is only 6--where did that come from? Get the book called The Smart Step Family. Read it and take it to heart--for the sake of your kid. I tell all this to you--I have a blended family and it never gets better if one of you is fighting for your rights. Just remember that your kid is not a couch he is a human with kid feelings and he cannot be an adult. As much as you want him to be just remember he is only 6.

Is the dad paying child support? If not, get him to do so so you'll have a little money yourself. Try to talk to the dad so you are both working in your son's best interests. It's great for the dad to be involved in his son's life as long as he is not trying to undercut you. Joint custody can be modified if he's undermining the kid.

I have two stepkids - one who lives with us full time and one who doesnt. At this age, he is 6. He is trying to test things out and push his boundaries. While I dont agree that he is picking this all up from his father, I am sure that he has heard things or seen things that may be confusing him.

As far as the "I dont want to live here" well, I just handle that with - You live here now and we have to act in a certain type of way (respectful, etc) in this house. I would also try to not react to his statements.

Good luck as you navigate this roller coaster.

If he is very verbal about missing Dad, you might try suggesting that he make something for him or keep a box of things to give to him when he sees him next. Write him letters. Draw pictures. Encourage Dad to do the same thing at his house for you.

Your son just loves and misses his Dad, that's all, and it's up to you to keep it positive and not blow it out of proportion. He's only six.

Hi M.,

Prayer and Patience is the key. Communication with the boys father will help to sum degree, being honest with yourself and your child will help. Money cant buy everything remember that. Also stand firm let him know you will not put up with bad behavior. He is going to act like that due to the boys fathers behavior. The best thing you can do is stay positive, encourage good behavior, it takes time and I do say time. Your son doesn't have the choice to choose where he wants to live YOU need to reinforce that and tell him you live with me and that's that! Now the boys father could be filling his mind with other things. Communication with the boys father might be in the best interest to help. Even if he doesn't listen you tried and you know what you will be up against. Remember he is the child just stay firm and it would help since your getting married that your son knows his step dad. Let him know its good to have two dads. It sounds like your son is not thinking of his own that the boys father is putting ideas in his head and if that's the case. Be prepared for any situation at all times no matter how tough it gets and it will get tough. When it happens just breath this will to pass. Until then your mom and you were the one who was and is around from the time he was born until this present time and you need to let him know. He will test you, but you need to let him know this is how it is and stay firm and stay strong. Boys need fathers don't get me wrong there, but there are bad ones out there and many good ones ready to step in. Encourage the good! It will all be alright no matter what happens. Prayer and Patience.