My son who is almost 12 came to my room very late one night and stood outside the door listening before knocking and heard me having sex with my boyfriend. My son knows this man and he has been in our lives for quite awhile and has gone on trips with us and my son was aware we shared a "room" occassionally.
Also, my son is knowledgeable about sex. I always answer any questions he asks with information appropriate for his age and maturity level.
My son was very upset of course and I was at a loss as to what to say at the time.
I would like to hear any "productive" advice as to what I should say?
Adults who love one another have sex. It's a way that adults feel intimate and it feels good. It's normal.
Unless he comes and asks questions, you really needn't say anything. And even then, just answer the questions he has. Don't elaborate. That kind of intimacy is private. Answer questions in a way that explains what healthy relationships look like between two consenting adults, and always model a healthy relationship in front of him.
Handle it the same way if it was you and his dad. No child wants to think about their parents having sex. Don't bring it up and make it worse. if he wants to talk, then follow his lead.
Of course the best way to handle this would be not having sex with your son in the house. Since that barn door has already been left open - then you need to teach your son boundaries. It almost sounds like he listened at the door on purpose *before* he knocked. So it is time for a frank discussion about sex and boundaries in the household as long as you continue to have sex with your son just down the hall.
My son is 17, he knows I have sex with my boyfriend. I do not have sex when he is home. It is disrespectful to my son as it does make him uncomfortable. We also do not have sex at my boyfriends house when his children are home. Our kids know we date. We do things with the kids. Just not sex.
The kids come first and as your son navigates puberty his comfort level will change. You should respect that.
Let him approach you.
My real advice, is to keep it out of the house when your son is there. You are an adult. Act like one. This isn't a father, or a spouse. It's a BOYFRIEND. Get married and live together as spouses, or stop the nonsense and quit playing house. Your kid deserves more of an example from you.
Don't bring up the sex. Tell him you noticed that he was upset, and let him know that you're there when he's feels he needs to talk about it.
Well when kids are in the house = no making noise during sex!
So what did he say? Did he actually tell you that he heard you having sex? If so, IMHO, you should have told him if he heard that you were "busy" he should have gone away and come back in a few minutes. What was he doing outside your bedroom door "very late one night"? Why would he be upset? If he knows about sex and he knows you and BF share a room, why as he upset?
I don't think you need to say anything unless he asks a point blank question and then give him an honest answer. But I would refrain from preaching abstinence - your credibility would fly right out the window!
What was he upset about, specifically?
It can be hard to fathom your parent as a sexual being, but you and BF are in a relationship, you are consenting adults, and you were not being intimate in front of your son.
Does he understand all that? Or was he just icked out that it was his mom?
And what does it mean to him? What are his concerns? He doesn't get to tell you no, but it might be a good time to have a dialogue about sex and love in general.
If he is mad on some level, address that. It doesn't need to be a lecture. Sex ex is a series of teachable moments for years.
I guess you need to keep it down. I bite on the pillow.
How do you know he was standing there listening anyway, did he tell you that? That's kind of weird, I'd think he'd turn and run, who wants to listen to their mom doing it?!
I wouldn't say anything at all unless HE wants to discuss it, then I guess you should just be honest.
You don't need to say anything unless he brings it up. He klnows whart sex is. He just needs time to process the fact that his MOM has SEX.
I totally agree with 'Bug from Rockwall'
This sounds so sad to me. This is not his father and not your husband. I am in no way judging you but if this man loves your son why not just get married and make this an official family and if he doesn't love your son and you say he's been in the picture for a while why are you still with him? Move on. Your son deserves to be in a whole loving family unit. Definitely don't have sex at your house when he is home and don't be surprised if he starts to rebel a bit against this guy and you.
It depends on what your son was most upset about.
Talk to him.
Great first question!
Welcome to Mamapedia!
Have you tried saying "it's not nice to eavesdrop"?
That's a tuff one, but I agree with the other moms
let him bring it up to you.
Good luck
Out of respect to your son, be intimate when he is asleep (as u did in this case). Really can't control him getting up at night, but maybe while your son is home try to be more aware of how loud you are :)
We single mom's need to be a little more aware of our child's feelings, considering we have a man in our home that isn't the child's father. Its respect we need to show them. Also be up front and honest with your son. Talk to him as a friend and as a parent. Have him express to you his feelings and address them. His feelings should be priority over your own sexual relationships with another man.
I am teaching my son to express himself now that mommy has another man in my life. I have been single for 6yrs and my son was the only man in our house. Now that I am active in a relationship for the first time, we both (my boyfriend and I) make sure my son is not left out and is always welcome to express his issues or concerns freely. If he isn't happy with something he is allowed to speak his mind. For example..i was in my truck as passenger in the back sitting beside my truck. The boyfriend was driving. I leaned forward to give him a neck massage. My son asked me what i was doing. When I told him i can tell something bothered him. I asked him what was wrong, he immediately told me he was jealous that i was touching my bf. So immediately stopped and cuddled with my son in the car the entire ride home.
As a single parent, our children do come first...at least in my life, my son will and will always be the man in my life. Therefore he WILL ALWAYS come first. Regardless of how long of a relationship i am in. The man in my life will knows this immediately upfront.
So be a tad more aware...communications is KEY. And speak to your son stating its not polite to ease drop on you during "your time" which can be established with him. Like a "mommy time" curfew :)
Hope that helps!
Oh well? He was upset because he figured out that you had sex more than the one time it took to conceive him. :-) And in his mind he probably hopes even that occurred by osmosis.
Oh LOL my 13 year old daughter, her girl friend and my step son were outside eves dropping. My daughter went into the basement balling her eyes out. After she got over it and I assured her that she was evesdropping and what we did with our doors closed was our business. She invented a word for it...Fadoodling! So now she says eww mom will both of you wait till im out of the house to Fadoodle? Making love is the way two consenting adults in a commited relationship say that way!!! He will get over it soon enough! :)
My bedroom used to be directly below my mom & stepdad's room. Oh the horror!
There is nothing you can do to make it less mortifying, but you can make it worse by insisting he talk about it. You're a mom, so that is totally gross. If he wants to talk, then talk. But don't initiate.
