Son Hasn't Been Invited to Any Birthday Parties

I'm sorry to hear this. Sounds like a hard time for everyone involved. Was he "like this" before the move? I have no real answers for you, just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you as the mother of a sweet, smart boy who wants/needs friends, to feel like he belongs, and to know he is a good guy and doesn't need to act macho and be right all the time. Perhaps the book Bringing Up Boys or the books/classes from Love and Logic (they do all ages) can help?

It's been my experience that the best way to start a new friendship is to be the one who invites it. Ask your son for 3 or 4 names of boys he seems to work well with. I've even gone so far as to ask a teacher at conference who seems to be a good fit for a new friend for my child.

Invite one or two boys over for a speical outing - maybe the movies @ ice cream. Something that doesn't require you son to be competitive and something that is positive for all involved. Start slow but keep at it.

I don't really have any great ideas for you, but I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry he and you are dealing with this. No hurt to us hurts worse than when it's done to our children! Has it been his birthday yet? If so, did he have a party and invite any of these kids? Maybe if it's coming up, he can have a party and invite some of the kids and see how that goes. Other than the playdate you mentioned, has he been over to any other kids' houses or had any to his house? Sometimes parents don't even realize new kids are around and when it's party time they just take the usual list and never think about saying, "Why don't you ask X? You play all the time." -Because they don't know about X! I wish you luck and I hope your son gets some invitations soon. He sounds VERY smart, and sometimes that can be really hard for kids -especially if they bore easily with what other kids their age are doing. If they ALWAYS know more than anyone else -other kids don't like it. It can be really difficult for a super-intelligent kid to fit in well. I would urge you to perhaps see a child psychologist with him and just see what they have to say about all of it -including his behavior and how active he is.

I am thinking that perhaps his friends' parents do not feel up to the task of supervising a party with several kid, one of whom has behavioral issues. I think in the future this may be my own son, even know he is a really sweet and funny kid, he is a ton of work!

So, wave after wave of people are telling you that when they deal with your son he is too competitive, doesn't listen, needs to calm down, etc...and you still can't make the school understand this issue.

I think taking him to a psychologist that specializes in ADD/ADHD testing might be what it takes. Just because he can focus doesn't mean he isn't ADD or just Hyperactive. He sounds wonderful and mature. I feel for him.

We have had the school system observe my 3 year old grandson several times now, he has visited the 3 year old pre-school classroom, he has had all the evaluations done through the school system and they still say he acts fine. He has been sent home several times over the past year for aggression and other behaviors so we know something is going on. We are now going through a Psychiatrist and Psychologist for testing.

Please just keep working with him and teaching him, you sound like a wonderful mom who deeply feels her son's pain.

I invited EVERY child in the class to the party last year. It helped some of the girls realized my girl wanted to be their friend. It is so much better this year. I made it a point to tell the moms, including ones whose girls are not always nice, how much my girl enjoyed playing with them. Some were like "I am x's M.." They are used to hearing bad things. We have had many playdates though I do most of the inviting.
I am like you and my husband is like yours. Doesn't that drive you mad?
Does he do sports or get physical outside of school? Some kids are high energy, not necessarily ADD.

Have you thought about getting him into a sport? Between practice and games it's a great way to spend some extra energy. Just a small thought :)

Are you willing to try some of the natural remedies that the other mom suggested? The reason I ask is the one thing that really sticks out in my mind is him not sleeping through the night. Children need good sleep in order to function well. Heck, adults need good sleep to function well. I wonder how his behavior would be if he was rested. I've heard melatonin is good for sleep issues. I would also check with a Dr about what type of diet he should be on. He may have some food allergies that contribute to the add type symptoms.

Maybe since his birthday is already passed you could have a holiday party & invite some of his classmates & their parents to get to know them better.

God Bless!

Just a thought- have you had his tonsils checked? If he has sleep apnea he could have syptoms of add or adhd. 1 in 4 children are thought to have add or adhd when really they have sleep apnea. Just somethime you may want to look into.
My oldest had a sleep test done and he stopped breathing 17 times in the night.He had his tonsils and adneiods removed- what a difference! I'm NOT saying this is the deal with your son-just a thoght.

You wrote about MY almost 10 year old son!! Ours is the exact same story only without the move. If your child had no problems before the move and then tons of problems afterward-- I would think perhaps anxiety is the issue. He may be trying too hard. Anxiety and ADHD share many similar symptoms.

Last year, in addition to the problems you described, my son started with some repetitive type behaviors like wanting things to be even or retracing his steps. He did this only occasionally but it was enough for me to take him to the Dr.. He was diagnosed with OCD-- obsessive-compulsive disorder. Now I am not fully convinced of that diagnosis since, now, a year later, he has no symptoms of OCD. But it was enough for me to make the connection with general anxiety. Google childhood anxiety. You will note that kids tend to overcompensate when they feel anxious. So if they are unsure/uneasy in a situation, they act impulsively. It's not the shy, withdrawn kid we would normally picture. Kids may be completive, i.e. always hogging the ball or directing the team, because it is the only way they think they can control the outcome. Plus they feel as if winning will make them fit in more.

Mine is not on any medication and I struggle every day to figure him out. We still don't know if he has ADHD or what (like yours-- he is in accelerated classes and has all A's). I don't know for certain if anxiety is the root cause but it's a suspect. So I don't have any answers-- just my simple thoughts. Let us know if you find peace/solutions. I would love to HEAR them and TRY them myself!!

It really bugs me when people label boys ADD just because they're high energy. You could've been describing my son...the boisterous behavior coupled with amazing intelligence.

I do know that many parents don't want to deal with a "challenging" child. That being the case, I would encourage you to have your son invite his playground buddies (I hesitate to call them friends since they aren't acting like friends) over for a play date, maybe 1 or 2 at a time. Perhaps that will make your son feel more included. If that doesn't work, help him to find friends through non-school sources, like his baseball team, house of worship or other extra-curricular activities.

That said, I would encourage you to help your son find other ways of measuring his self-worth. Have him focus on what he does really well, like school or his music lessons or baseball. He needs to think well of himself, accept himself as he is, rather than depending on his playground buddies for acceptance.

In addition to vitamins, you may want to have him allergy tested. My boisterous youngster really settled down after we learned he was allergic to cow's milk...and he was drinking a half gallon of it a day. Oops! You may find there's no medical reason for his behavior; he just has a lot of energy. That's ok, too.

The bottom line is this: the things that challenge you and your son now will be huge assets when he matures. Who doesn't want an enthusiastic, sharp employee who is focused on the end result?

Good luck!

I'm not sure how your school does b-day party invites but ours has ha rule that every boy , every girl or the ENTIRE class has to be invited if they invite kids at school. This is why I don't invite kids from school to parties. My daughter didn't get any invitations this year so far but then it's only November. Might not be a lot of Aug-Nov birthdays.

Put him in sports, tae kwon do would be wonderful for him as it really teaches calmness, discipline, respect and hard work, but also is a graet way to get out energy and meet new friends.

Have friends come over to your home, no need to wait for a special occasion, just invite 2 or 3 kids over ever other weekend or so.

If the other mom told you about calming remedies, it means she probably had a rough time with him and his energy and was trying to let you know gently maybe some things that could help. I wouldn't be offended by that.

I am not a believer in medication for ADD or ADHD, but that's just me. That being said, you should look into reasons for his behavior. He may need more than vitamins, he might need diet change.

You might need to have some get togethers and have your son do the inviting. When my SD was first getting to know kids she wasn't invited to parties, but once she had a few of her own she made closer friends and then she was invited more often.

There are some bossy and horrible kids we know and they get invited to parties. Perhaps your son just needs to start the ball rolling!

I agree that you should have your son checked out for sleep apnea. Talk to his doctor about getting a referral to see an ENT specialist. It would be such a simple thing to fix if that was the case!