Both of my children like to play dress up. It has never been a bad thing, except they would play dress up in their own clothes which lead to tons of laundry and it was cute when my son was a baby and would wear my heels around just to hear the clanking.
Well last night I had my children get their own underwear and PJ's on after their bath. When I went in to check on them my son not only had his sisters PJ's on, but a pair of her panties. He told me that he liked them better and my daughter said that she always wanted a sister instead. I am not so concerned about my son, but it does kind of concern me that at the age of 4 he says he likes girls clothes better. I am scared that he is only saying this because of what my daughter said. I am scared that my daughter has somehow hurt his feelings so he feels like he should wear her clothes just to make her happy. However...........
I changed him into his own PJ's and underwear after I saw this and found him about an hour later "still awake" and back into his sisters clothes. So I am concerned that maybe he really does like the way girls clothes feel better. Are there any suggestions out there as to how to tell my daughter that she should not say things like that...other than saying it just like that (I did that last night). Also, are there any suggestions about my son? Have any of you had a similar experience and if so did it stop on its own? Thank you for anyone that can help!
I appreciate the responses I received. I was kind of hurt however...I want to point out that I was not saying anything negative about my son. I have personal experience with my own mother that the feelings she had about other women and herself had been there as long as she could remember. I will always love my son no matter what path he takes in life. I was just curious if anyone else had boys that did the same thing. I do appreciate the comment I received about my daughter as well! We sat down and I also told her that no matter who she is talking to that it is hurtful to say that you wish someone was something or someone else. She said she understood and that she was sorry if she hurt "bubby's" feelings. Thank you all and God Bless!
Underwear does not need to be worn at night under PJ's. It's healther for both sexes to have this part of their bodies unrestrained. Buy their PJ's of the same material andthe feel should be the same. You could also buy their undies of the same material. Nice, healthy cotton. Don't make a big deal of this but acknowledge that maybe her clothing is softer and try to get him some of the same material. V.
I wouldn't give it a thought. There are tons of websites and books in the library you can reference regarding this topic, but at their ages it's perfectly normal to be curious about what the other gender wears, what those clothes feel like and to think girl or boy toys are interesting and fun. My 3 year old is ALLLLL boy, but his favorite color is pink and he loves pretty princess Barbies and Disney Princesses -and he's right -they ARE pretty! One of his little friends was allowed to pick his new lunch box this year and chose Tinkerbell. My oldest son always wants to wrap gifts in princess paper, etc. but he enjoys boy toys too. I personally don't care if he grows up to be gay or like women's clothes, but at this young of an age, it's not an indicator of anything and shouldn't be squelched. I really wouldn't think much of it until much later -8 or 9 and puberty.
The only reason your son is doing what he is doing is because he is imitating his older sister, who is dominant. My little girl wanted breifs, like her brother. He dresses her up in hockey golie stuff so he can launch pucks at her and she does. He watches Barbie and Disney princess movies with her. My son is an ice hockey player , as rough as they get, and he walked around for a long while carrying his sisters pink bags and he would have worn any type of clothes that was stuck on him. Now he's seven and he now has an opinion as to what he wears and carries. Your son is discovering who he is right now and you should help him. Take him to playgroups, there are a lot, and help him through the maze of life. Don't worry about if he's a manly man, a girly man or a funny joker man. In any case he's a little boy with a supportive family. Oh, if your hubby is deployed or away a lot he may just want to fit in with you and your daughter. There are great websites for Navy moms, military moms and I'm sure Army moms. Check them out because not having a father around does cause interesting problems sometimes.
Good luck and I hope I made sense!
J.
Even if it doesn't stop on its own, you should be accepting your children for who they are. "Back in the day" (not so long ago) when people didn't understand that gender assignment got screwed up in the womb they thought that those who were one sex and wished they were the other was a CHOICE. (Some people still ignorantly think that way today!) But we are seeing and hearing more and more people talking about this and find that it often starts very young.
It may be a phase or it may not...you won't know until later. But what I would recommend is not putting a whole lot of attention on it and let things work themselves out. If it so happens that your son grows up feeling he should have been a girl - try to accept it and most importantly, love him no matter what. This is more common than you think.
I just wanted to add a little more reassurance for you. I have 1 daughter and 3 sons. My daughter is the girliest girl you'd ever imagine so she has never wanted to dress like the boys but the boys have all gone through purse/fingernail painting/clothes etc phase. Think about how much more fun girl stuff can be at that age. It's usually brighter colors and such so it draws them to it. My boys all grew out of the clothes fairly quickly (I think the clothes cramped their styles so those were always the shortest lived phases lol) but my 5 year old still loves to paint his nails blue. I figure he'll grow out of that too since his older brother did. My youngest still loves the purses and the baby dolls but he also loves cars and GI Joes. I found that just letting it be tended to get the phase over quickly. At this age it really isn't about gender to them just what is the most fun for them :)
HTH
Mesha
Our kids are our kids. We don't choose them, we just choose to make them. I am a mom of a 4 year old and a nanny of 6 children between the ages of 3 and 5. They all say the darnedest things to each other, but I've never in my over 6 years of childcare experience, ever seen a child try to change something or do something totally against their nature because of something another kid has said. Your daughter wanted a little sister, ok. She's expressing her feelings... you can't be upset about that. From your story, it sounds like she said it after you caught him in the clothes, not as if she says it 5 times a day harassing him.
At 3yrs old, my daughter was at the park and some kid told her she was black. She never once asked if she can turn her skin white because it's true... she is black. At this age, they only know that what they are and what they feel is true... they don't know anything else until they get older and discover that it's possible to change things. Eye color, hair color, straightening teeth, waxing/shaving... all that. At 4 years old, he knows that he is a boy, his sister is a girl, and dressing differently won't change that.
Though it could very well be a phase, what he feels is good to him and that's what he wants to do. Dressing in girl's clothing makes him happy (whether he truly likes it or wants to please his sister), and as parents, we thrive when are kids are happy. Why is it "scary" to you for him to wear it? Do you think he's going to grow up to be gay or a cross dresser? Whats wrong with that? He's still your son, and you loved him the very moment he was born... why should that change because of what he wears or what he grows up to be? If the tables were turned (and this is a real scenario that a lot of people face), and 10 years from now you realized you liked to wear mens clothing or you found a woman that just knocked you off your feet and became a lesbian... wouldn't you want your children and family to accept you and your lifestyle?
I just don't see anything wrong with it. If you make a big deal about it, so will they. But besides the clothing, you should try talking to them about their bodies. As I said, they already know what they are and that won't change, but you can try getting "Amazing You". It's a toddler book you can read to them about their bodies, what they are, and how our bodies change when we get older, but still stays the same. Its only about 10 pages. Very simple.
As for your daughter, she is 6yrs old, so she should be able to understand, if you explain to her about hurting someone's feelings (including brother). Tell her,"we always want what we don't have" right? As for your son, does he have a lot of little guy friends? Maybe get him together with them more. I think, he probably just admires big sister and wants to be like her! As far as girls clothes, maybe find some boys clothes that are made like girls, but in boy prints...like, if he likes the feel of dresses, get him a bigger size, boy t'shirt & let him wear it around the house, like a dress or the pj's....are her's bigger & that's why they feel good?
I wouldn't worry. We can't control EVERYTHING. Focus on the things you can. Just teaching them to be good kids, is enough work for you.(AND ME!) Good Luck.
I would just explain to both children that they must wear their own clothes. Then take your son out to shop for some special underwear and pajamas that he likes. (In the boys dept) Maybe if he picks them out he will wear them. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it, just reiterate that boys clothes are for boys and girls clothes are for girls. I think you were right by telling your daughter that it's not nice to say those things to her brother.
My parents have always said if you do not have anything nice to say then do not say anything at all. Explain that she did not mean to hurt his feelings with what she said but it did. Treat others as you would want them to treat you.
Have you son help you pick out some clothes that he likes and maybe decorate (your daughter can also do this). Such as tye dying a shirt, fabric painting on shirts (hand prints, etc.) and pants, sewing different shapes (my kids have a white t-shirt w/ black circles sewed on them - they wear to bed, etc and it comes in hand for the free chick-fila day (if you dress like a cow)) or the iron on patches.
I don't see anything ring with it it doesn't mean he's gay it just might be fase he going through you might take him to buy his own oanties and girls pjs
I haven't had exactly the same situation but a lot of what you said resonated with stuff around here. I have boy-girl twins who are five, so we get a lot of comparison between boy and girl stuff. My son has USUALLY only wanted to wear her stuff when playing dress-up, which I usually allow and don't get too uptight over. Any time they have crossed over a line I wasn't comfortable with I have just firmly told them, "Boys don't do that" or "Girls don't do that." They aren't necessarily thrilled but they get over it. (For example, he has wanted to wear her barrettes sometimes, and his grandmother sent him home with painted toenails one day, which I was definitely NOT okay with!) I realize this is a bit oversimplified, in that, in actual fact, there are males and females out there who do all sorts of things I would not find acceptable. I guess I'll switch to some version of "we don't do that in our family" if my simplified answer wears out too soon, but we'll see.
If they express dissatisfaction with their own gender, I try to talk with that child about what's so special about how God has made him/her, both as an individual and as a man or woman. Don't know if you like Christian literature, but there are a number of books both religious and secular that celebrate (and explain) the differences between the way men and women see the world. Shaunti Feldhahn and Emerson Eggerichs are two Christian authors.
As for a sibling expressing dissatisfaction with the other sibling, I come down h*** o* that kind of thing with a very serious, stern conversation about how each member of our family is a special gift from God to them. Especially with twins, we have plenty of fighting and they've never known any other way. I just want them to know that their siblings are going to be with them through the rest of their life -- both good (better than friends who come and go) and bad (you'd better figure out how to get along). I just don't feel I can tolerate any thing that disrespects or attacks another family member as a person.
Good luck! I'm right there with you, trying to survive and actually enjoy this fun age! V.
My daughter is 5 and a lot of times she says, "I wish I was a boy" but honestly, she is way too girly, always loves to wear dresses, etc. I think at this age range kids just play around. I mean more often than not, she pretends to be a dog and she is quite good at acting out the part that it is funny sometimes. I don't think I would be too concerned about it, but you are right to talk to your daughter about how what she says can affect how someone else feels.
I'm not going to bother reading through the other responses as I could tell that some weren't so nice from your update. I did want to say that female fabrics are way better than the boy stuff! You might want to try getting him some handmade stuff that you could get made in the softer fabrics. Check Hyena Cart and Etsy. I know people that sew as well that I can refer you to that make boxers and everything else. I have to say that my daughter was cloth diapered and I was a bit jealous of some of her fabrics. I want bamboo velour undies too!
Ask your Dr. Your son might just like the more lighter side of clothes (looser fitting). Take him to the store and have him "help" you in picking out clothes for him. Make it fun. Underwear too. What you have been buying him might not be his "taste". :-) You might have a kid who is just really styling.
I wouldn't bring attention to it though because when you do then they will want to do it more. I bet you already knew that since you have a 6 year old. Just sit back and observe. Let them play and ask your Dr. about gender and identity roles. Tell your Dr. that your sister is telling him she would rather a sister than a brother. He might tell you a kind way to tell your daughter to stop telling your son that. I have two girls. The oldest is 5 and is a tomboy and the youngest is 3 and is very girlie.
Good luck! C.
Everything is temporary. Your daughter is old enough to be told that words hurt and that she needs to stop telling her brother she'd prefer a sister. Has the pj incident happened more than once? If so, I'd just say, "you are dressed for bed now and I expect you to stay this way until morning." Other than that, it's all about wait and see...
