Son About to Be Married

I remember when my twin sister was getting married,i was getting a divorce and i was in her wedding.Yes it was so hard to put my feelings aside and be happy for her but i did it.You too will do it.
You will be fine and make it through it.sorry no real help me kids are still young

J.

Given your experience I think it is normal for you to feel this way about your son's upcoming wedding. Unless you have specific concerns I think your best course of action is to support him on this. You say you like his fiancee so embrace this new addition to your family. Obviously you know that everyone's experiences are different and it may turn out that he has a successful marriage. They will certainly hit bumps along the way, but that doesn't mean it won't work out in the long run. Try to separate your feelings about your marriage from those of your son's marriage so you can enjoy this event and share in his happiness. It will help to strenghthen the bond you have with him and your future daughter-in-law. Taking a positive interest in this wedding (understanding your son's joy, helping with plans, etc) may even give you an outlet to balance against the stress of your divorce. Best wishes to you!

Hi T.:

I am also in my forties, divorced twice, but no way to EVER be on the "dating market" again -- however -I can totally relate to what you are saying here. My son got married when he was 21 - he's now 22 with a little baby (6 months old). I was completely AGAINST the marriage & they knew this - but they went ahead and married anyway.

But - since you have an angel for a daugther-in-law to be -- my suggestion would be to try to put your fears aside & give them your support & offer guidance. Unfortunately, they're going to do their 'thing' anyway - regardless of what you say - so why run the risk of putting a strain on your relationship by disapproving of their union?

My family and i are kind of going through the same thing. My fiancee and i are planning our wedding for next summer and my sister is going through a very hard time with her husband. (He has a gf) I was worried about hurting her by talking about the wedding plans. She told me that I deserved to be happy and to plan the wedding that i want. With her help..she is my matron of honor. I don't blame you for being worried and being a little jealous that he is going to be starting a new life. It is a normal feeling, but don't let it overwhelm you. They may have the perfect marriage, they may not. But nothing you say or do can change that. You just have to accept that and then you will be as happy as a mother can be for her son on his wedding day.

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I think it is part of being a mother to worry constantly about our children's well-being--forever! I have two sons and although they are only 5 and 7, they will be in this boat some day. I have a REALLY great mother-in-law and she raised 3 boys. She gave me advice one day about my own boys. She said that raising them is the key. Everything that you instill in them as children will stay with them forever. Once they become adults--back off! They can come to you for advice and then and only then should you give it. Otherwise, let them live the life that you raised them to live--a life that is their's. They will make mistakes and they will have successes. Your job right now is to LOVE the heck out of them and support them no matter what they do. Face it, we have all made mistakes but we've learned from every one of them and it isn't worth the risk of ruining your relationship with your son by pushing ANY of your emotions on him. None of us are psychic and able to predict the outcome of ANY marriage. This marriage may be the greatest thing for your son or it may not. One way or another, it is not up to you to decide.
I am in my late 30's and still go to my parents for advice. I STILL depend on them to "pick up the pieces" when I fall apart and they are still willing to do that. That is the hard part being a parent and letting go but we as parents have to do it. Good luck to you.

How old is your son? How long have they been together? I can certainly understand your apprehension during all of this. You don't want your experiences to color his. I was engaged at 19 to a boy I met in college. My parents(happily married high school sweethearts) were VERY much against it because they didn't like him. All I can say is, I should have listened. He was not nice in anyway and the engagement eventually ended(thank goodness). I know they may seem young, but sometimes that's just how it works. If nothing else, I would just sit down with him and have a good long talk, explain your fears and concerns to him. All you can do at this stage is offer advice and hope for the best. Good Luck!

I'm on the opposite end as you. I just got married to a man that I think is the most wonderful person on earth. My parents divorced when I was in high school. When I fist got engaged my mom felt the same way you do. She is still very bitter about her divorce even though it was 6 or more years ago. She told me once not to even bother getting married, because marriages don't last and mine won't last either. As a child that has divorced parents, facing marriage is hard enough. You have seen what can happen when people grow apart and don't work hard to stay together. You also know what it can do to the kids, I mean your son and I are both kids to divorced parents and for me it wasn't easy, and I'm sure for you son it wasn't easy either. I worried enough going into my marriage about divorce and if that would happen to us or not. I really didn't need my mother and her negative thoughts too. So... I guess what I'm trying to tell you is being a child of divorced parents it makes jumping into marriage tough enough without your own mother doubting that your marriage will even last. So my advice would be to keep your doubts to yourself. He probably doesn't want to hear that you don't believe his marriage will last or that you think this girl is "wrong" for him. He just wants your love and support. So do whatever he asked you to do for the wedding, participate in every way you can, and definitely enjoy your son being happy.

Hi T.,

I don't think you are in the wrong feeling the way you do. One thing about being a good parent is that we always try to keep our kids safe (no matter what age they are :) ).

I have found dealing with my daughter (who is 20) that no matter what Mom says she is going to do what she wants. She will listen to my advice (sometimes) but she is the ultimate one to make the decision.

My advice to you is to sit down with your son and his fiance and explain to them how you are feeling about this and why you are feeling this way, then let it go and they will make their own decision. You'll have to abide by what they decide but at least for yourself you will know and have peace that you explained everything. Also please let your soon to be daughter-in-law know that you do like her and care about her so she doesn't feel like it's because of her.

L.

Dear T., Wow, you are really going through a lot! Of course you are concerened for your son! That would be natural. He is starting a new and wonderful chapter in his life and things are going to change between the two of you. Now he will have a wife and she will (and should) come first in his life. It's not easy watching your children grow and go especially when you are going through a divorce. Take a deep breath and keep your own council. Don't talk about your thoughts of uneasiness of them getting married to anyone that knows either one of them. Even if they are made with good intentions, and only because you love your son, anything you say can (and will in my experience) come back to haunt you. And the hurt feelings will never go away. I know they say sticks and stones blah blah blah, and words will never hurt me....but we all know that words can cut like a knife...even when you don't intend for them too. You don't want to loose your son, you want to gain a daughter. So buck up, smile until it hurts, be as involved as you can, and in the long run, it will all be good!! Take care of yourself...best wishes!!

t.