My 10-year old daughter's best friend moved away right before the beginning of 4th grade. Understandably, we expected a time of grieving before moving on to new relationships. Now, my daughter is in 5th grade and she's become very isolated from her peers. No more playdates or "hangouts." The birthday invitations have stopped coming. Her teacher tells us that while academically our daughter is a standout, her social skills are miserable. She lashes out verbally at her peers and then wonders why people talk about her. Sadly, she would rather just come home from school and plug in to her MP3 player or the computer. I've suggested getting involved in outside school activities - art class or acting class - so she meet new kids but she digs in her heels and refuses. I'm seriously worried and would love to hear some thoughts from folks.
Thankfully we seen enormous improvement in our daughter's outlook and behaviour. She has enjoyed some overnights and hangouts with her friend who moved to a neighboring community. During December, she has been reading holiday stories to the next door neighbor's three young children after school. Her teacher has commented on a real turn around in her attitude and behavior. She hasn't had the negative outbursts in the class. On a recent snow day, a classmate down the street called her to go out and play in the snow. Also, she is interested in taking an art class that begins in January. Many thanks for all the wonderful comments and suggestions.
I remember being that way around 5th grade. It may be that she just doesn't like the kids at her school. 5th grade girls can be MEAN!
What helped me was my mom forcing me to join other activities where I met different kids with the same interests as me. Yes, she forced me to do it but in the end it was just what I needed!
I was miserable at your daughter's age and what made it worse was my mom always telling me how I should act and how I needed to find some friends. I would suggest really trying to draw your daughter out and get her to talk about how she's feeling. Try and spend some special time with her--a lunch together on the weekend. Really get her to get in touch with what, how and why she's feeling the way she does and help her work through this. She should start to trust you and confide in you if you try to be as non-judgemental as possible.
J.,
I was like this as a girl. In 5th grade my best friend moved away and I had absolutely no social skills beyond my interactions with her. I can tell you this - I acted all withdrawn and sullen but on the inside I was just dying to belong. I wanted to be liked and included but did not how to do this. My Mom acted like it was just a phase I was going through and really did nothing about it.
SPEND TIME with your daughter! Take her places- museums, movies, shopping and other events. This will make the most difference in her behavior. She needs you and she needs an ally. Be there for her and maybe she will start to feel better about herself and be able to interact with others more appropriately.
Good luck with this rough time.
T.
I think you are right to worry. Friends are very important to a girl that age. Sitting in front of a computer just isn't healthy. I wouldn't push the friend thing... but let it happen. However, I would push an extraciricular (sp?) on her. My friend at work does something so amazing with his kids (mine is too young, but when he's old enough I'll probably copy). Each of his kids have to be in one physical activity out of school. They can pick whatever they want as long as its physical (bowling, swimming, ballet, baseball etc.). His oldest however never found one he likes, so every year they picked a new activity for him hoping he would find one he likes.
I would sit her down with a brochure from your rec center. Say "You need to pick one of these to join. I don't want to see you in front of that computer all the time. You need to be doing something active." If she says she doesn't want to do any of them let her know that you WILL pick one for her. If she still doesn't pick, then follow through. Pick one for her. Do not even mention the f-word (friend). If all goes well, she'll find one on her own. But if you tell her to find a friend or emphasize the importance of friendship, she is likely to avoid anyone with posibilities.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes. :)
I think this is such a hard time for kids anyway. I see my usually social son a bit challenged this year. They can start getting very hormonal at this age. It's good that you recognize this in your daughter and want to address it - I think a lot of it is the age. Birthday invitations at this age do slow down. Maybe making it a point to have her hang with you a little more - even reading every night and getting that alone time with you might help - even though it may be hard to give her that much alone time every day. Girls at this age even think about "cutting" so talking to her and keeping the lines of communication open is a definite plus so that her head is on straight and she doesn't consider harming her own body for kicks. Keep working on that involvement - even regularly setting up school counselling sessions may help her too. She may not have found her niche yet so keep throwing things in her path re. different things/sports/classes that she can take as ways to develop her social skills. Look into the library programs too. Just one nice friend could possibly turn this around so keep an eye open for that. You should see some progress soon. Good luck.
This is a tough one and tough age. Everything seems to come to an end for them when something like this happens. I have two daughters and it can be difficult. This is not only a sense of loss for her, but someone she trusted is suddenly gone. is there any way she can keep in touch with her, calls, email, text? That may help. It sounds as if acting out at school is happening too. She is probably afraid of being close again because they could leave as well and well, what's the point? Maybe just letting her know you are there for her - try activities with her alone. Talk with her about experiences like that for you. Don't push, but sometimes kust giving her the avenue to vent is good. She is angry and hurt and she needs to get that out, let her know you are safe for that.
Girls are so much more complicated with their relationships than boys are. After working with children for thirty years this never ceases to amaze me but it seems to be pretty true although their are exceptions. With boys if you know the rules to the game you are in. For girls it is a much more complicated process of feelings, behavior, your words, your dress, your way of being a friend.
My guess is that your daughter was a "one friend person" which some kids are. So the loss of her friend left a huge void. Sadly kids do plug into lots of technology now and research is starting to show that this is affecting kid's social behavior in negative ways.
I have a tendency to err on the side of professional intervention. A year is a long time for a child this age to stay in the same place socially. Also when a teacher starts noticing all of the behaviors she has noticed (by the way, great teacher, sometimes they only care about academics) I think I would want her evaluated by a psychologist. She wlll be going into puberty soon with hormones starting and I would address this now. She sounds very angry and asking for help the way children often do--with their behavior.
Good luck. You sound like great parents and how great that your husband is at home when the children get there. A.
5th grade is a tough year for girls, and those who tend to focus on one friend have it tough when there is a move, fall out or assignment to a different classroom. The venting should be looked at as frustration, and normal "tween" behavior too. By this age the cliques are pretty tight, too, so it is harder to "break in". You might want to try to find out who are newer kids and try to make a social plan with them. You can also try to enroll her in sports or band or something that will provide new social skills. Sometimes teachers can help if you talk to them about it (by pairing them up etc). Good luck, I will say a prayer for you all.
hi J.,
I feel for you and for your daughter, she is obviously going through a difficult time. You've gotten some great ideas from the other moms here. My oldest went through something similar around that age, your daughter might just not be a 'follower' - you could have a potential leader on your hands and that is not a bad thing. It's possible the kids in her class right now are not anyone she wants to be friends with and there could even be good reasons for her lashing out at them. I'm not doubting what the teacher observed but teachers have their hands full these days and there could most definitely be more going on than meets the eye.
I would talk with her, let her know how likeable she is and that everyone goes through periods of time when they're between making new friends. Then ask her who she would like to have as a new best friend and if she'd like to have these potential new friends over for a pizza party or similar activity or outing (movies - High School Musical, mall-walking etc). I would tell her about going through something similar at her age (or a friend that did) and then tell her how you (or your friend) worked through it.
Phone the parents of the kids and do the inviting to this party yourself to prevent any mis-understandings.
If she is not interested in getting new friends it could be that she was so deeply hurt when her friend moved away she doesn't want to risk that hurt again and she might need to work it out with some counseling. I wouldn't push her to do something she doesn't want to, or take things away - she is already hurting and she needs to open up to you, not go into a deeper sulk.
When my daughter went through what you're describing, she finally got involved with a church youth group and made some great friends and it pulled her out of her anti-social and sulking behavior. It was just a stroke of luck that she found that youth group - because she certainly would not have gone willingly had I suggested it - one of the kids she wanted to be friends with invited her along (after her pizza party I described above) and it really turned things around for her.
hugs,
W
Does she have a TV, telephone, and or computer in her room. If so, my suggestion is to remove it. Force her to be in the middle of things. Also as far as an activity goes my kids are required to always be in a sport as they don't really get enough physical activity from PE and they need that jump start in life for a fit future. I would have her choose what she wants and tell her is she doesn't choose you will. This age for girls is hard, but life is hard. If you allow isolation, allow her to not talk to you about everything now, teenagedom will be extremely hard. The more isolation the easier for drugs, alcohol and sex/pregnancy to slip into the picture. I know it's tough but be the parent and not a friend.
could you invite over one girl from the class each weekend (or one on Saturday and one on Sunday) so that they have a chance to get to know your daughter outside the classroom?
We moved as my daughter went into 4th grade. All the cliques were formed by then at the new school. She had a very difficult time. Now in 7th grade, it is still somewhat difficult. Fifth grade was the worst year. The girls were much more mature than I was at that age and we were pretty protective of our daughter. However, we taught her to be proud of who she is and she doesn't need to where skimpy clothing or name brand clothing to be smart and well-liked.
She does have difficulty engaging a conversation and sometimes I think she is worried others won't like her so she builds a wall and forces them not to like her. She does work on her social skills in a social group, but she is angry that we ask her to attend. She does benefit from the social skills group so you may want to consider that.
She's old enough to understand if you sit and talk to her that her pain and grieving will go away even though its hard to believe. Let her know how sorry you are and that you are here for her whenever she needs to talk. Take that M3P away until she learns to be social again. Remember, you are the mom and she listens to you if you take your proper roll. You can't be a girlfriend or she doesn't need to find a girlfriend. Don't let her find friends on the internet either unless it's the friend she lost from moving away. The internet is the perfect place for her to contact her friend. Good luck mom.
Dear J., This is a tough one. I myself have a 10 year old son and it is somewhat of a bad age to begin with. They are not teenagers yet but they are not babies anymore. All I can think of is just make sure you keep communicating with your daughter. Instead of coming home from school and using the MP3 player of computer talk to her. Ask her how was her day? Etc..... Or maybe pick her up from school and go shopping or something like that. Maybe she'll open up to you. Keep talking to the teacher too. Hope that helps. The most important thing I think is the communication and show her how much you love her and that you are somewhat worried about her. Talk, Talk. Good Luck!!!
My kids aren't that old yet thank god but I feel for her. She must be going through a very rough time. Every one wants to be in some kind of crowd and it sounds like she is having a hard time figuring out how to break through. You said the birthday party invitations stopped coming, can you maybe help her along by throwing a party for her and inviting everyone? Most parents I would think would want their child to attempt to reciprocrate invitations. Even if her birthday is a long way away, you could do like a winter break escape party.. make sure it is something fun that the kids will want to come to regardless of who is throwing it so you don't have a bunch of no shows. I'm trying to think back to that age..maybe like a project runway/america's next top model spa day? Have everyone come in their favorite outfits, set up a runway in your house and have a professional do all their hair and nails done by someone before their big runway walk? I can see it now.. Jill is wearing a ________ by Abercrombie and paired it with some great chocolate brown ugg boots. Or American Idol - same concept with the hair and nails but then do a karaoke show? Or ask your daughter what she would like to do? She may tell you nothing but try to get her to talk about it..tell her some story about how the same thing happened to a friend of yours and how her mother helped her find new friends, one of which was you or something like that.
Or are you friends with any of the parents and can ask for a few sleepovers over winter break so she can do some one on ones with someone if she isn't good in a big group? Or if you are going somewhere over winter break and it isn't too late or extravagant, see if she wants to invite someone to go with you. My best memories from grade school are going on other people's vacations - even to one day trips like an indoor water park or something.
Or maybe a spa day for her would cheer her up and get people talking..and make her feel better about herself.. get her hair and nails done and a few snazzy new "in" outfits. I wish my mother had known enough at that age that Venture clothes unfortunately just didn't cut it at that age and where we lived and her cutting my hair herself into a Dorothy Hamill bowl didn't help matters either. Not saying that you do this, but the references sure are funny!
That age is very hard and unfortunately all the cliques are formed by then and she needs help getting into one. Good luck and keep talking to her. Take that walkman (yes I'm back in the dark ages!) away for a few hours every night and just be with her to get her to open up. Take her out to dinner, shopping, movies, etc. She has to talk sometime if that isn't glued to her head!
Please keep me posted.. I'm dreading these kind of things with 4 little girls myself.
She may be having PMS!
