Sleeping with Us or in Her Own Bed?

My belief is to never have my kids sleep in my bed, except for the occasional nap to cuddle. I have had my newborns in the same room in a bassinet but they quickly were moved to their crib as they knew I was right there and wanted me, lol. But since you've had the child in bed with you for so long, the only thing I can think of going cold turkey and keep the child in their bed. Go in and comfort if they wake and each time you go in stretch the time out longer and longer. I can take time but it's worth it, not only to the child to have their independence, but for you and your husband as a couple! Married couples need their time and intimacy (not just sex) especially with a baby in the house when things are stressful. Couples need to keep their connection when times are stressful. Let's face it, we love our kids and will do anything for them, but kids come and kids go! They'll eventually move out of the house and you'll want to be alone with your husband enjoying life rather than catching up on everything you lost during the child raising years.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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J.,
EVERYONE will have an opinion on this but in the end, no O.'s opinion matters except your own. You & your husband need to decide what the arrangement will be and execute the plan.
Personally, my son has rarely slept in our bed. He's more a "come in in the morning and watch cartoons while I shower" type of kid. This works well for me b/c I am a fussy sleeper!

It's not unusual for children to become curious, or nostalgic, for those baby things when they see a sibling using them. You should try to stress what an advantage it is to be a big girl - make a big deal out of the big girl things she can do that the "poor" baby can't - like drinking out of a sippy cup. Let her taste the bottle with formula or mother's milk in it - I doubt she'll like the taste, and then you can tell her that big girls get to drink much better tasting milk in their cups. As for sleeping together, in my opinion, it is way past the time you should have gotten her out of your bed. Think about what will happen when you have both kids in the bed- nobody will get any sleep! I would be firm about putting her back in bed..rub her back a little, or sing a song to soothe her, but make sure she's in her bed. If all else fails, one of the things we used to do when our daughter would want to crawl in with us (she got scared a lot at night), is we would kiss her and hug her and tell her to lie down on a sort of bedroll we made next to our bed. At least we could get some sleep and she was near us...but even then eventually you have to go back to putting her back in bed.

You are not damaging your daughter. However, you're not getting any sleep either and with a new baby around, you need all the sleep you can get. At 28 months, she is old enough to understand that she needs to stay in her bed at night. If she's already falling asleep there, maybe when she wakes up at night, you could lie down with her for a few minuts of comfort til she falls back asleep? My youngest is 4, and sometimes still needs me to do that if she has had a bad dream. If/when she does stay in her bed all night, make a big deal about praising her and what a 'big girl' she is. You need lots of energy right now with a toddler and a new baby, so it's worth it to try to break this habit. You'll both be fine. Best of luck!

Your husband may feel like the bed is for you and him. Everyone should have their boundaries and own space. I think that unless they are sick or have a nightmare the kids need to sleep in their own bed. kids need to learn how to self soothe. It is not good to be kicked when trying to sleep. I am sure you are already sleep deprived witha new born child. She is probably feeling insecure about her new baby brother that is why she is asking for milk or a binky. give her her milk or bink and have her stay in her bed. she may cry but if you stick to your guns she will sleep in her own bed after a few nights. you will both sleep better if you sleep in seperate beds and your husband will be happier.

Hi J.,

Sit down with your husband and make your plan on how that you two will work together to break your daughter's habit.

As you know, habits are so hard to break.

Actually write up the plan. Think of everything that can happen and how you will take turns with implementing the plan.

Write in the consequences if either one of you break the plan.

Good luck. Stick to it. It will be worth it once you get your daughter trained.

Now don't repeat the same mistake with your new baby.

All the best. D.

Hi J. -

isn't it a wonderful feeling when you wake up in the morning and you have your whole family with you in bed. We co-sleep with our 30m DS and our 20w DS in our bed and i don't regret a single moment. If I feel like the oldest is going to move around a lot I usually put a pillow between the two boys (just in case an arm or leg moves around). When we have enough energy we will put our oldest in his bed after he falls asleep. If we are lucky he sleeps through the whole night - if not then he ends up back in bed with us but we do not fight it. We both know at one point he will not be in our bed any more. I do have to say some nights are a bit tight with the 2yr old moving around like crazy but we take that with a grain of salt. Do what you feel is comfortable and don't listen to the nah-sayers whom say it is detrimental to the toddlers development. Obliviously – there isn’t a lack of intimacy in your life as you wouldn’t have number two if that were the case. :-) The kids will be out of your bed before you realize it. Cherish these moments - they really do grow up quickly.

Hello,

Been there done that! The problem is yu and your hubby really are not getting the rest you need. This will snowball! YOu can't be productive parents when you are tired all the time. Keep a sleeping bag on the floor and pillow. Set it up and keep it set up if you like or not. Tell her this is where she can stay if she wakes up during the night. OR maybe she will just go to sleep there. Ours stayed there until he started kindergarten. Every now and then they still sleep on the floor. In fact just the other night I insisted my 9 year old go to his bed. lol. I have 6 kids and really I can remember some of them sleeping on the floor troughout elememtry school. Just not in the bed, we all need our rest. NO ONE benefits by that. THe kids love camping out on the floor too. If she wakes up you go to her on the floor not her come to you in the bed. At least you can get a bit of sleep even on the floor. Good luck this really does work. Have a wonderful day!-L.

oh are you going to get so much advice on this one.
Ok here's my take on it. sleeping warm and cozy next to your sweet angel is one of lifes most wonderful blessings. Plus it is so much easier than waking up every hour to walk her back to her room, and you would be more likely to get frustrated and yell at your sweet baby if you were trying to change her behavior in the middle of the night. I am all for co-sleeping if it is what your family needs.

BUUUT, I am hearing hubby's concerns. It is no fun being kicked all night long if you(he) have said you (he) aren't in favor of her being in the bed. And i'm sure he wishes he was getting all your cuddles and not sharing them.

so some options.
Check out Elizabeth Pantley's website and books
I think they are titled the NOCRY SLEEP SOLUTION

You could see if hubby was receptive to being the one to (A) wake UP and (B) deal with your daughters needs wether it is a drink or comfort. That way you won't be tempted to bring her into bed, because he will be dealign with it.

You could fix her a little nest in your room, like a sleeping bag on the floor and see if she would consent to sleeping in the room with you, but not on you.

Or you and she and the baby could kick dad out to the couch - I was goign to suggest you all moved to an extra room but it doesn't sound like you have room.

You might want to try to get her an earlier bedtime and a longer winddown at bedtime. Keep her wake up time consistent.

Just my opinion, but if you struggle and struggle to get them to sleep in their own bed, sooner or later they will get sick and you'll bring her into your bed to get through the sickness and then you'll have to start training all over again. I never thought my kids would learn to sleep all through the night and we would try different things -never ever ferberizing- but around age 3-4yrs. they were finally mature enought to sleep through the night.
Hubby thinking you are ruining her is ridiculous. But his comfort does need to be taken into consideration.

What ever you choose, it will happen eventually you just need to get throught it until then.
sleep tight

You're not damaging your daughter, but it is probably a good idea to get her to sleep on her own, especially if she is disrupting your sleep with kicking all night. Does she have a bed big enough for you to lay down in with her? We would lay down with our son for a few minutes to comfort him when he would wake up - still do if he has a nightmare. As soon as he could read a digital clock, we would set a limit of spending 5 minutes with him (he was about 3). That seemed to do the trick. Now that he is older, if he comes into our room at night he does sleep on a blanket on the floor instead of climbing into bed and disturbing us.

Your are not doing anything wrong. Your daughter should be sleeping in her own bed. It will take time for her to adjust to sleeping the entire night in her own bed. It is good that she starts out in her own bed. When she wakes up and wants to sleep with you, take her right back to bed. As long as you let her sleep with you, she will not want to sleep in her own bed for the entire night. When she wakes up, she is looking for something to comfort her. She knows that sleeping with you comforts her. It is time for her to learn how to comfort herself.

Hi J., I think it sounds woderful to have your whole family together in bed creating a really strong family bond! And it may just the reassurance your daughter needs. In times like these I always remind myself...this won't last forever, they grow so fast.
One last thought, a time of transition, ie. new baby in the family, is a difficult time to sleep train.
I wish you all the best, happy snuggling!

momma & daddy,
How did you get pregnant with a toddler next to you ????? O_D_D_ ...NOT NORMAL ....
GET HER OUT OF YOUR BED NOW .
KEEP NEW BABY IN HIS CRIB .
START ALL OVER ...
yes , SCREAMING ,CRY"N, UP ALL NIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!until the BOTH of you fix this issue ...
your 2 year old has gained control. you and daddy have to work as a unit to regain your thron .
before child #2 is also in bed w/ the 3 of you.!!!!!
put 2 yr old to bed in HER ROOM , HER BED, KEEP A 'thermos' SIPPIE CUP BY BEDSIDE, A FLASLIGHT, let her HELP you pick out sheets and make her 'cool' bed ...
then go through a 2 year withdrawl of cry'n. scream'n, I am afraid untill it is OVER .
then on Sundays you can have a family bed time [ if you choose]
good luck
ps= you will not be happily married if this continues ...
********** some people put a screen door on the childs room with a lock up high..[on the outside] toddler will be safe .this could be daddys job ...
make this an adventure for your 2 yr old !!!!!!!

Sleep is such a tough issue-I feel for you! Your daughter is at the age when they realize that others continue to exist even if the child can't see them, so they wonder what's going on and feel they're missing out. Or it might be something about how she falls asleep. Our oldest slept with us for her first year and a half as she went through some medical issues. After that, we took her to see Dr. Richard Ferber at Children's in Boston. He's known for the "cry it out" method, but in person he was much gentler and very supportive. He pointed out that it's important to decide what the conditions will be when your child first falls asleep and then make those conditions available all night. We were letting her fall asleep on my lap, then gently putting her down in the bed. When she stirred in the night, as a natural part of the sleep cycle, she suddenly realized that mom wasn't there and woke up crying and ended up with us. He said it would be like an adult waking in the night to find their pillow gone-it would be hard to get back to sleep without it. Our daughter had to learn to feel safe falling asleep in her crib. I slept in her room on a mattress on the floor for a while (this is probably not possible for you with a new baby, I realize), and it was hard for her to learn to fall asleep without touching me, but she could see me and know I was there. After that, I would step out each night for progressively longer periods as she was settling to sleep ("Oh, I forgot my book", "I'll be right back, I have to tell Daddy something" or whatever). When she could fall asleep while I was gone, I could move back to my room. She was fine after that. Find the sleep solution that works for your family, and lets you all get the most rest without making you crazy, regardless of what anyone else thinks. You'll change it as you need to. Good luck!

When my children got to this point I would tell them when they would come in to bring their pillow and blanket and I would let them sleep on the floor right next to my side of the bed. Which they did for awhile then they just got use to their own bed. When my Aunt was having the same issue with her daughter I told her the same thing she tried it and it worked. It may be just worth a shot that way she is right next to you but not in the bed.

Your husband is a tolerant man! Mine would have have kicked my daughter and I out into our own separate room long ago, or he'd be living in his den, and we never would have had #2 (with one on the way).

But, since your man is leaving this up to you, here is the damage he means:

She is not going to learn how to be happy and secure sleeping in her own bed through the night if you teach her to need you to sleep with her. It's too late to worry about preventing this altogether, but it can be changed if you really want her to be happy in her own bed all night. You are in charge, so if you don't want to change, you don't have to.

If you want her to sleep all night alone, feed her plenty of nutritious food all day so she isn't hungry, let her get lots of exercise during the day, do a nice night routine, and walk away. Don't sleep with her. Don't go get her at night. Comfort her, give her a binky, explain she stays in her bed now, and leave when she wakes up, or don't go in her room at all if going in traumatizes her. It's awesome that she falls asleep in her own bed-good work-you're half way there!

She will struggle to break the habit that has been set for her. She'll cry for a few nights because she's used to sleeping with you. But she will get through it. You will get more sleep, and she will feel secure on her own as the reward.

You can do it gradually if you want it to take longer, but it won't get easier later if you wait (yes, she'll outgrow it on her own ONE DAY, but who knows when, my step sister in law had to buy her daughter a jungle gym bed when she was 6 to get her out of their room).

We put our kids in their own room as soon as they could make it through the night without nursing, Since it's never been a security or manipulation issue with them, if my husband is out of town, sometimes I let my daughter fall asleep in my bed after books as treat. But I usually end up moving her back to her room in the wee hours because I wake up getting kicked. :)

You could break the habit and save sleeping with her for special occasions as a compromise. Good luck!

J.~

My son is 3 years, 3 months, and he has always slept with me. I know everyone on this site tries to be helpful, but it doesn't do you any good at this point to hear that you "should have" had your daughter sleep on her own. For your own reasons, you had your daughter sleep with you, and there are many, many of us out there that are on board with safely co-sleeping with our children - and even enjoying it.

Before I had my son, I was adamantly opposed to sleeping with babies, but as parents, we do what feels right, and what our needs dictate. I had a very high needs baby who did not sleep well, and I found that he slept much sounder, and so did I, when he was with me. And now, like you said, I love sleeping with him. On one hand, I hope for him to decide on his own to sleep in his own bed so that he can enjoy sleepovers (with family - not ready to relinquish him to anyone else just yet - maybe never! lol), but I will certainly miss him when that time comes! And until it does, he can stay where he feels the most comfortable. I offer him the opportunity to sleep in a single bed that's in my room, but he has yet to choose to sleep there, and that's ok for us. (We have 2 bedrooms, but our house is rather small, so his room is his playroom, and he doesn't have a bed in there...) For us, it is easy to keep things this way, because he is an only child, and I am single, so it is just the two of us. I definitely understand that couples need their time together, and maybe the bed is the only place where you have that time with your husband, so I understand how you might need to move your daughter out for that reason... or maybe you need to be better able to care for your little one during the night, etc. And if your husband isn't on board with your daughter sleeping with you, then I can also see how your daughter sleeping with you might be an issue of contention between you...

As for whether you are damaging your daughter, my personal opinion is I highly doubt it. You may already be familiar with the Dr. Sears', but if not, I would highly recommend looking at askdrsears.com. They are proponents of attachment parenting and safe co-sleeping. They can tell you much better than I can, how you are actually helping your daughter develop a strong sense of security and bonding with you, which ultimately makes her grow up with a greater sense of confidence and ultimately independence. My humble opinion, albeit from someone that sleeps with her own child, is that you have done something wonderful for your daughter.

Best of luck to you, whatever you choose to do...

I know it's not "the right thing" to do...but both my kids or do sleep with me. My 8 yr old only shows up when he has nightmares...my daughter shows up in the wee hours. It also bothers my hubby so....he sleeps against the wall and I sleep on the "outside" when she shows up she sleeps between me and the edge rather than between us.
He complained a bit so I told him fine...to get her in her own bed YOU need to get up everytime she does take her back to bed, tuck her back in and go potty/get drink with her if she needs it. I'm tired enough by the end of the day and I have no problem snuggling...after about 3 days he was okay with her in bed. Just my opinion.