Sleeping Question - Albuquerque,NM

My father in law always chimes in about everything but, the sleep issue really bothered me. Why do you care so much is what I use to think? I mean does it affect you at all....NO! I just ignored it and remembered to not bring it up ever again in front of him.

Hindsight is 20/20.....I have to agree with Carol D. re: not discussing it. If I had known how "controversial" our parenting practices were going to be within our group of friends and family, I would have never mentioned it. I didn't realize how territorial and judgemental people could be when it comes to different parenting styles. I was naive in thinking that women would just naturally support one another. Sadly, that has not been my experience. For Baby #2, we'll be keeping mum about things.

N., the bottom line is that you are doing what works for your baby and your family. Everyone always has something to say because they don't know what's best for YOU, but they mistakenly think that what's best for them will be best for you too. The next time someone says something, invite them to watch your daughter through the night so they can experience the joy of constant waking and no sleep! I said that to my parents, and they took me up on it- then they immediately backed off!
Also, my son, who is now 3, slept with us until he was about 2. He still comes to our bed in the middle of the night most of the time, but he sleeps in his own bed and is comfortable with it (he pretty much decided he was tired of going to bed with us). He's fine and not showing any signs of being too clingy or needy or dependent.I also know of some adults who slept with their parents until they were 4 and 5. They seem pretty well-adjusted to me. If anything, they're not insecure!
As long as you're doing what's best for you and yours, there's no reason to worry about what anyone else has to say.

Hi N.,
I recently posted a request for responses from mothers with older children, asking whether they regretted their decision either to co-sleep or do CIO. I got over 40 responses and the only mom who regretted anything was one who listened to others advising her to do CIO, against her own preference. Many people have strong feelings about this, but they mostly seem to center on the idea that any method different from theirs is a criticism of their choice. I do co-sleep, and I do hear people saying I'm doing it "for myself" and not for my child. Well, I reckon I AM doing for myself - and it's not doing my kid any harm. Why shouldn't we make our parenting decisions "for ourselves"? Good luck with the transitioning, I'd love to hear how you do it!

After reading some of the responses to my question again, I want to add something. Some people seem to regard the question of sleep as a discipline issue, and co-sleeping as an indication that parents are not applying discipline (and creating demanding monsters that will be a curse to their parents and the world). The sub-text is that if you don't discipline a child to sleep on his or her own in a different room, then you won't discipline that child to show respect and consideration for others generally. My view is that once a child has a grasp of the fact that others have feelings and needs, then they can be taught consideration for others by example and gentle discipline. I guess that is what you are doing now.

We co-sleep also, and for the exact same reasons. It wasn't really on purpose, it's just what worked. I have family that is very un-supportive. My family is fine with it, but not my husband's parents. They let us have it one day about how he will never move out of our bed, blah, blah, blah. Here's how I handle it. I find some great research by well known and well respected doctors on all the millions of benefits of co-sleeping. Then, when they start to say something, I counter-act it. For example, kids who co-sleep actually have a higher self-esteem in the long run. Hope that helps! Here's some great places for research/articles:

http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html
http://www.llli.org/NB/NBSepOct05p204a.html
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp (look for the links to research,etc...)
http://www.unhinderedliving.com/bedresearch.html

Although I did not co-sleep with any of my children (I was never able to sleep when they were it bed with me - even to nurse!!) I remember being able to go into my parents room in the middle of the night. They would keep an extra comforter and pillow on the floor at the foot of their bed where I could come in the middle of the night to sleep when I was scared. I remember doing this...so I was probably kindergarden age but certainly didn't do it when I was much older than that. It seems like it would be a good idea worth trying to transition to if you and your hubby want some close time -- put a little bed on the floor for her to sleep on as you are transitioning her to her room. Good Luck.

I simply choose not o discuss it with ignorant, controlling people. So many people like to tell me how to raise my kid, especially those who raised theirs in different times. Hey, they had the opportunity to raise their kids their way, give me my opportunity. As your child gets older, you'll learn this tactic is very useful. I have two kids; my littlest is ready for her own bed, and will be 3 in a few months. I'm glad we made this choice, as my oldest turned out to be an Aspergers child, and this was a very good thing for him and his sensory disorders, which we didn't know about at the time. DH's family is very hurtful and ignorant, so we have chosen not to tell them about DS. They never see him anyway, and are so judgmental and ill-informed, we just don't want to deal with it. My father feels that discipline solves all problems (HAH!), and my mom thinks we shouldn't look for problems. So although we have told my parents a little about him, you see why we don't waste our breath on how we bring up our kids. Nobody knows better than you, including your pediatrician, what works best for your family and your child. Just don't tell them. They don't need to know, and it's really none of their business. Cuddle your little one and enjoy the reaching out they do to you in the middle of the night, and the ability to touch their backs gently to get them back to sleep when they stir from a bad dream or fever. They aren't little for long.

I agree with everyone. I swear, my boys are 3 and 7 and I still feel the need to defend my parenting choices! I had strangers giving me their unsolicited opinions about my son's pacifier!

The most recent argument...a family member has older children and no pool fence! My kids don't swim yet. I got eye rolls and sighs when I objected to bringing my kids over for family gatherings. NO ONE but my husband supported me in this one.

Its sad but true, you just can't talk about it. If you can't avoid talking about it, because the judgmental people will always ask and question, stand up for yourself! Give one explaination and then walk away.

Its always going to be hard because, 99% of the time its family! But, why should it be hard for you? If you and your husband are together on these things...then thats who counts!

P.s. obviously we're not really alone in our beliefs...look at the responses you're getting! Good luck!

Hey N.,
Both of my kids have slept with us. My daughter transitioned to the floor next to our bed when she was 2 cause she was a mover and a kicker, so the floor was more comfortable for all of us. Then when she turned 4, she started sleeping in her own room and own bed. Now she is 9 and every once in a while she will climb in bed with us or make her a bed on our floor. Now for my son. He was born when my daughter was 4 1/2. He has been sleeping with us until he was 3. Then we put him in his own bed to start with and he is always welcome to come crawl in our bed in the middle of the night. He is now 5. Yes, it has taken its toll with our sex lives, but on the other hand, they are both growing so fast and we know that they will not be crawling in our beds forever and the snuggle time with both of the kids makes it all worth it. So my advice is to do what makes you all comfortable and happy.

My family drives me nuts on this point. Both my boys have slept in my bed with me. Our first is 2 and we are working on getting him to sleep in his own bed. My husband is sleeping with him at the start of the night to get him to sleep on his own. It is working well. My little 2 month old is sleeping in our bed at night so I can get some sleep and feed him easier. My family thinks he needs to be in his crib. They keep telling me I would sleep better if he was not in my arms or my bed. They keep telling me that he would sleep better. I just want to laugh. If only they were in my bed at night to see what happens. If I try to lay my son in his crib he immediately wakes up and cries or he may sleep 20 minutes before he cries. That is not good sleeping in my opinion. He likes to be close. Eventually i will transition him to his crib but right now he just wants to be close. I do my best to ignore the comments. It makes me angry sometimes but I keep my mouth shut and just do what I know my little one needs. I also try not to mention sleep around family that won't give up on telling me what to do.

I co-slept with both of my boys from birth. My oldest I started transitioning to his bed at 6mo and he was there full time at 9mo (except occassional naps. My second is 11mo and he sleeps through the night in his bed for the last couple weeks but when he wakes up in the morning I bring him to bed to try to get a little extra sleep. My family gives me a strange look but most don't say anything. My mom though was very against it with my first and because I stood my ground she didn't say much for the second. It's not their business and they aren't the ones that have to go without sleep. I had never intended for it to happen but after the first week of sleep deprivation and struggles staying awake at 2am to bf, I did my research on safety and went from there. I have gotten comments from family members asking how long I was going to bf, after 6 months! Granted I only plan to bf to a year old but that's my personally choice. I'd consider longer if I wasn't on such a limitted diet and he wasn't a biter! As long as your child is well cared for and loved, why do they care?

N., Let me first point out, that it does not matter what other people say. It's your daughter, and your life. What they tell you can go in one ear and out the other. I have four kids. And from the time they were born until they were almost 1 they all slept wtih us. My daughter, who is four, still sleeps with me when my husband is working at night. As far as getting her into her own room, that is a challange on itself. This is my suggestion. You can do it, or you can just blow it off in the wind. Let her fall asleep with you guys. As soon as she is asleep, then put her in her own bed. This way if she sleeps there all night, then you can praise her with "Look you slept in your bed all night. That is a big girl." This is what we did, and still do that at times. It's an idea. This way you don't have to listen to the "endless crying nights".

K.

Yes, I have, N., and the reason it bothers you is because it is a total boundary violation. I've had to learn to find polite ways to say "shut up" and "mind your own business." Now my daughter is 10 and my son 6, but we let them both (my daughter for the very reasons you describe) sleep with us for quite a long time. When my daughter was about 2 1/2 or so, or maybe it was her second birthday, we told her that she was a "big girl" now and it was time for her to sleep in her "big girl bed," but that she was welcome to come to me in the morning. She learned to very stealthily crawl from the foot of my bed into her place beside me without waking me, and often my husband would already be up and out the door to work by then. Obviously, she was allowed to wake me if she had a nightmare, but I found she didn't often have those. I think children who sleep in the "family bed" tend to be very well adjusted. Remember, in the eary days in this country and in many other countries and cultures, having all the kids sleep together or with the parents is normal.

Now, my kids know that if our bedroom door is closed, they are not to knock unless they are bleeding or the house is on fire, but if the door is open, they may come in.

Funny, my little son never wanted to sleep with us really -- he loved his own space. Children are different, and allowing them to do what comes naturally, and allowing yourself to enjoy being close to them when they're young and giving them everything they need is just being a natural parent. Stuff cotton in your ears if you have to -- do not allow the comments of people outside your family to influence what you know is right for you and your family.

Your child is old enough now to be able to follow some simple rules about bedtime. If you choose to have her in bed with you, fine. If you want to now structure in some more private time with your husband, then tell your daughter it's time she went to bed in her own room. You can always lie down with her as part of your nightly routine, then get up when you hear her breathing change. Eventually, you will only lie down for a few minutes, like after reading a book, and you'll find you have a very contented little girl and a nice chunk of private time with your husband. Take it slowly to transition her and you'll see, it will work just fine.

S.

I say you just ignore what others tell you and keep doing what you feel is best for you and your family. I also deal with the many streams of advice on weaning from the bottle, sleep issues, etc. and I have told myself that ultimately I will do what I feel is right for me and my daughter, no matter what!! Advice is just that...advice, and how you take it is up to you. I try to also focus more on the ideas on how to do things when I'M ready instead of WHEN i should be ready...hope that makes sense!! Just keep being a good mom!!

We still co-sleep with our almost 3yo AND almost 7yo. Do what your gut tells you and don't worry about what anyone says. This is YOUR family, you get to make the decisions. It's a shame family has such a hard time being respectful of that.

Hi N.,
I have 2 kids age 8 and 5. Both have slept in their own beds for several years now, but the first few years of their lives were spent co-sleeping with my husband and I, then next to our bed in a crib adjacent to it, then to a small kids bed in our room then to their own room/bed.

We had loads of unwanted (and requested) advice at various stages along the way, many of it from friends/family who clearly disapproved of our sleeping arrangements (many of these opinions, by the way, were from people without children). The main thing I want to say to you is: you do what works for you and your husband and your kids--your family. This is a very personal (and very charged!) issue--much like vaccinations--and ultimately it is a choice--yours. Nobody can, or should, make it for you!!

Best of luck!
Shirl H.

What an opportunity for growth for you! What everyone else says/believes isnt worth a hoot to what you believe inside. When we are in touch with ourselves and make our decisions based on what we believe, it really doesnt matter what anyone else says. I would work on this: bolstering yourself, nurturing yourself, loving yourself, trusting yourself, (when it involves your child, when you and your mate are in agreement). You can begin practicing this by thanking whomever gives you their opinion and smiling. Depending on how you feel, that might be enough. If and when you need to say something more (listen to yourself), then add, "Everyone has differing opinions on this matter, and my husband and I have decided that this works well for us." Smiling while you say it is helpful. But most important, is that you are comfortable enough to say it gently and lovingly....both to yourself and to the other person. With practice it will come easier. Hooray to you for the growth waiting for you!!!! What a wonderful world you are discovering! (Now for your first step, decide whether you like THIS advice, if not, smile and disregard it! You are well on your way!) Enjoy the journey!

Isn't it great how EVERYONE likes to tell you what you should or shouldn't do to raise your children? Because you know, THEY did it perfectly, and their children were PERFECT!
I say, do whatever works for you!
With our first, we had a small bed and he was a light sleeper, so it was almost necessary to have him sleep in his own bed. But for the first 6 months or so, he had a bassinet in our room. And everyone thought that was bad. Then with the second one, he actually slept in our bed. There was no end to what I heard on that one!
I always find it amusing that so many people predict that if you spend too much time with your child, let him sleep in your bed, or hold him too much, etc, etc, he'll grow up clingy and dependent. I don't know, that doesn't make much sense to me. If you deny them the contact they crave, then they'll look for it more. My oldest is now almost 4, and he's very confident and self-assured!
I had lots of problems with people especially with my second one, I breast-fed until he was 13 months old. THE SCANDAL!!!
The way I see it, you have two choices. You can ignore them and smile, or you can start doing things like trying to plan their dinner menu based on what you like to eat, or tell them how to dress, and when they get offended, point out to them that they're doing the same thing!
Don't let anyone else undermine your confidence in what you feel is right for your child! I didn't let mine cry it out either, and they both go to sleep fine now!
B. S

I would try a pack-n-play next to your bed, and once she gets used to that try her in her own room....I would also have her take naps in her own room to help

Hi N.! I'm sure you will find that there are many people who want to give you UNSOLICITED parenting advice. Just learn early on to ignore it. We are one of the only cultures that insists on putting babies away from their parents to sleep (as an anthropology major, I'm sure you know this:) We co sleep also, and I heard everything from we were going to smother the baby in our sleep, to she would be emotionally damaged from sleeping with us. Just smile and say "thanks for the input." When people get really persistent, I just say "well this is how we've decided to do things" Good luck! And congrats on your PhD!!!! That's an amazing accomplishment!

Hello there~
As a mommy of two daughters who are 8 and 4, the only time they've slept in our bed was for a fun "sleepover" or when they were sick..... One of my dearest friends slept with her 1st daughter until she was 2 or so, they transitioned her by taking off one side of the crib and wedging it up next to Mommy's side of the bed. After a few weeks or so, they got her a big girl bed and put it in their room. It was next to their bed initially, but then movede away from their bed as she felt more comfortable. She eventually slept in it all the way through the night. She was in her own room somewhere around 3 I think. Her second daughter she kept in her own crib from the get go since she'd previousley had such a LONG experience w/transitioning. But it did work. :) :) Her daughter still felt close to Mommy, but eventually felt safe and happy in her own bed too. Good luck to you all. I'd just allow your instincts as a parent to guide you and you will figure out how to get a little alone time.
God Bless,
Aimee

N.,
People tell me all the time that I need to let my baby cry it out. They will even leave articles on my desk at work. Well I can't stand to listen to my son cry and I don't think it's bad in any way to soothe him every time he does.

Why are we expected to have babies sleep on their own in their own room so early anyway? When you watch the discovery channel most animals sleep with their young until they are 2. Then there are the reptiles that leave their young at birth or EAT them! Are we mammals or reptiles - I want to be my son’s comfort.

Babies are only babies for a short time. We are adults most of our lives. Your kids aren't going to want to even hug you in public by the time they are teenagers so why not embrace the time we have now? They aren’t going to sleep with you forever. And once they are asleep you can put them in their own bed anyway. Why is it so important to make a child go to their room and fall asleep on their own?

My son gets up at 1am and 4am and is up for the day at 5:30. I can't stand the cry it out method but I do want him to sleep all night. I recently started picking him up at 1am and instead of feeding him I bring him to my bed. We cuddle and he goes right back to sleep. (my husband wants me to feed him so I lie and said I did :)) I just want to try MY OWN way of getting him to sleep through the night without food. Once he is used to waking up but going right back to sleep without food I have accomplished the same thing as the other mom's that do the cry method.

Bottom line... babies need comfort, love, food, and dry diapers (I no longer change him in the middle of the night either - it wakes him up). If you were crying even today wouldn't you want your mom to comfort you?

I’m sorry for the long reply but it drives me CRAZY that people are so judgmental about how you should raise your kids. If you nurture they won’t be independent, if you let them cry they won’t feel secure. Just like everything else kids grow at different paces and each child is different. Just do what you think your child needs. I will never believe loving your child too much ever caused any harm.

K.

My 17 mos old still sleeps in our bed too - we decided to co-sleep midway through pregnancy.... my family isn't too pleased w/ it either, but I figure it's our decision, everyone has to do what works best for them... In hindsight, definitely easier not to mention things that are controversial and not so important - but not necesarily better as by being open maybe you can alleviate some guilt another mom may be feeling about not being able to let her child cry, etc.... but if people really insist on questioning you or "giving advice" the best answer I've heard is to just respond "The Dr. says it's ok" and then change the subject - most people don't want to "sound dumb" by disagreeing w/ the dr. (They don't need to know that the "Dr." is Dr Sears, lol). ;) Good luck! I say, as long as it works for you & your immediate family, keep doing, and let everyone else be "bothered" if they insist on it, but don't worry much yourself.