Sleeping in Bed

S.,
I had the same problem with my daughter she is not 3 and sleeps in her own bed. I Never made her just cry it out, and you don't have to either if you have the time to work on it. The only difference is that my daughter has always had a bed time. We would go in and lay down in my bed and then when she was asleep I would get back up. My suggestion is that you pick one to work on first, either the bed time or the sleeping in her own bed. I would go for the sleeping in own bed first. What I did was the routine thing... bath book bed. Another mom mentioned talking about he sleeping in her own bed during the day. Thats a good idea too. I also moved my daughters bed into my room to start with, that when she woke up in the middle of the night (even though she is mostly a sleep through the night kid) I was right there and could comfort her. So I had her pick out her books and we climbed into her bed, she has a toddler bed that she can climb into and out of easily. We read a couple books til she was pretty tired, then turned out all the lights and I laied down with her in her bed. It was cool because mommy was sleeping in HER bed now. And when she fell asleep I got up. Then I started just sitting at the foot of the bed. Once she was sleeping through the night I moved her bed into her own room. I had to lay down next to her again, and then when she was asleep I would get up and leave. After a while I could just sit at the foot of the bed. If she got up in the middle of the night usually she would just say mommy, not really cry and I would come to her. Hold her hand while she fell back to sleep. Now she just goes to bed. Once she starts preschool in September, were going to try just reading a book and them me leaving before she falls asleep. Havnt tried that one yet. make sure that when you do all of this that you and your hubby do it together or take turns that way when the baby comes and you are occupied she isnt set back. One more thing.. if she staill takes naps, let her fall asleep where ever she usually is, and then move her to her bed... Do this a couple times before you start the bedtime, that way she is a little more used to her bed. Also, we let my daughter pick out her own toddler bed and sheets and pillowcase. She LOVED making her bed and thought it was really cool. She would sit there with her dolls and stuffed animals, putting them to bed. Lastly, DONT use the bed for time outs or anykind of punishment, unrelated to bedtime. She will think that by you making her sleep there she is being punished. I actually don't let my daughter go to her room for anykind of punishment. She has a time out chair in the kitchen, where there isn't anything fun for her. You don't want her relating punishment and her room... okay off subject now.

As far as the bed time goes, I think this one is MUCH easier! All you really need is a few days over up really early and wear the girl out! Make her get up early one morning and have a very busy and full day. make time for a short nap (don't let her sleep past 2! Then have some more activities planned. Prepare and early dinner, so you finish by 6. Then she has a little time to play. By 7 start getting her ready for her bath. After her bath don't let her watch any movies or TV or get too active (too much stimulation). Then get her in her bed. She will probably be so tired that you won't make it through many stories. Do it again the next day. Soon, she won't have to have as much activity during the day to exhaust her. Just remember, the earlier she goes to bed the earlier she rises. ;o) Good luck and let me know if you have any questions!

I don't have a whole lot of experience in this particular subject, but I have seen on super nanny, they put the child in bed, and every time that the kid gets up, they just put him or her right back. The first couple of times it usually takes an hour or 2, but the child eventually falls asleep in their own bed. Usually after a few days, the child just automatically goes to bed and falls asleep. The key I believe is persistance and not giving up on your part.

To keep my daughter in her room during timeouts, we installed an eye hook lock on the outside of her door. We tried not to use it. However, if you tell her the door can be open if she stays in her room so that you don't have to close the door and lock it, she might decide that to do so is a better choice. Be sure there are no breakable items to throw, the room is safe and be willing to accept some destruction of the door if she kicks it as my daughter did. My duaghter eventially busted the lock by rattling the door!!!! If you have a stong willed child, nip it in the bud now because it only gets worse. Of couse we always had a light on and we used cassette story tapes and books so she felt she had something else to listen to before sleep. The are available at the library too and I copied many of them. Good luck,..it ain't easy!
Married Mom with two young teens...different issues but fun to remember!

Have you tried letting her cry it out?? I would wait until she's really tired and then go put her in her room. She'll probably cry for awhile and scream, but most likely she'll pass out. My son puts up a fight to lay down sometimes. I let him cry it out and usually he only cries for 15 minutes. Sometimes it seems like that 15 minutes is 2 hours though lol. I know it's horrible to hear your little one upset, but I just go into a room where I can't hear it and then go back and check in a little while. I have a 4 month old and I've started doing the same thing with her. I don't want to have to rock her to sleep until she's 18. Good luck and congrats on the upcoming baby!

L.

Just let her cry it out. I have a 2 year old whose been sleeping in her own room since 3 months, she's been in her toddler bed since she was 1.5 years (her choice to go to the "big bed"). My 4 month old has been sleeping in her own room/crib since she was 2 months old. What I did was put the girls down then leave, then in 5 mins I go into the room. I do not pick them up, I rub their backs, calm them down then I leave again. Then I go back in 10 mins, do not pick them up. . etc. I usually only go 10 mins at a time - honestly, after a couple of nights of this (going in, putting her in her bed, telling her it's time to go to sleep, leaving, say NOTHING to her) she will get it. You just have to be strong. My daughter just recently started with "i'm hungry, can I eat" right before bed. I know it is a ploy as she's already eaten, so i've started making her think she's going down for bed around the time she is to eat dinner.

You cannot force her to stay in the bed, what you (or your husband rather, you should not be carrying her) is go in there and place her back in her bed. It will take a long time at first but she will get it eventually that you are not going to let her win.

Oh, and my mom let me CIO, i'm 31 and have no lasting impressions or psychological issues, do not listen to the HYPE!

The mom who suggested the gradual approach, gradual transitions has the right idea.

At this point, 2 and 1/2, your daughter has formed a strong sleep pattern, falling asleep with you. It is only natural that it causes her extreme anxiety to do something so different as to be left alone. Although she may look like a "big girl" compared to the baby she was, she's still a "baby" in many ways. And is not ready to comprehend what's going on and simply accept an adult's explanation.

Your best bet is to start with something close to what she is used to, and very gradually change her over to a new way of doing things. You could try what the other mom suggested with the toddler bed. And/or you could have her fall asleep in your bed, but with you sitting next to her instead of laying down. Then moving to a comforable chair. Eventually you'll be able to leave when she's almost asleep. Then to leave a little sooner, etc.

What you want is for her to develop a sense of trust and security that even though things are a little different, its still okay.

Be prepared for these to take a while. A few weeks at least.

As for the crying it out suggestion, I fear you would be in for a long seige. She's not an infant -- she has the will and long memory of a 2 and 1/2 year old! At this point, this approach would only work easily with a very passive tempered child.

If she was a child that just couldn't fall asleep, up at all hours, very irregular sleep patterns, then maybe it would be worth the battle of going that route. And would then also be in the child's best interests as well.

Also, in regard to moving the bed time up earlier -- pick just one battle at a time. Decide which is most important to you now, getting her to fall asleep without you laying there... or to get her to fall asleep earlier.

Be aware that if you get her to sleep earlier, you may have her up earlier as well.

Hi S.

the saem thing happend to us.. LoL Now we as mother learn from our mistake huh?? we my second one, We did let her cry it out. She is now 8 months old and sleeps in her room. There still times she will still wake up in the middle of the night, but we just let her cry it out.

Now For my son what we are trying and so far working slowly. we brought in his toddler bed in our room because he won't sleep in his room.
We put his toddler bed at the foot of OUR bed, So it would look like a ( T ) made sure his bed would touch the foot of the bed of our bed. like T

When it was time to go to bed, YES!! we have the same promble as you guys do!! He will only sleep when we go to sleep. Anyways .. when it's came time for bed, we have my son lay down in his toddler bed comfort him.. told him what a good boy he was sleeping on his own and if was scare daddy or mommy would hold his hand in the night. I told my husband to lay down facing the foot of the bed ,so he could reach over and hold my son hand in the dark and my sin could reach over and touch his head L.o.L until he feel asleep. ( It sounds crazy but it worked) My husband would also bring down his pillow with him. This last for a a few weeks and when we try it without holding hand but still faces down and comforting him we are not going to leave him. That last another week or so..

Update:
Now he is sleeping on his own in his own bed thru the night! It been about four months now! Now he just closes his eye and he is out. Bad thing is.. He still sleep in our room but at least he in his own bed. The reason we won't put him with his sister is.. he is to loud and I'm afraid he going to wake up his baby sister. we will try it at the end of this year.

I hope this helps

Just locked the little brat in her room!!! Get one of those locks that locks from the outside, that will work!! NO MORE sleepig with mommy & daddy she is learning to much adult stuff!! :) Just kidding...love your sis-in-law :) GOOD LUCK.. but really get your out of your room, after yesterday she is too curious..lol... :o thats her kiss..lol..

Please get Richard Ferber's book. I think it's called "Solve your Child's Sleep Problems" but I'm not sure. He writes a step by step guide on how to help your child sleep independently. He gives advice for babies, toddlers, preschoolers, even school age children.
I recommend getting this book and following his advice.

I used it to get my baby to sleep independently. It took several months, but it was worth it. Learning to fall asleep by yourself is an important skill that every one needs to learn. Good luck!

I've seen that show Super Nanny on this problem. Having to keep putting her to bed is what has to be done. Try going with her in her room with a chair, "ok time for bed", lights out, (maybe a small night light) and sit in the chair. Don't speak. Just every time she gets out of bed, put her back in.

What if you try staying in the room for a while, not in the bed with her, and gradually move yourself farther and farther away. Eventually you will be in the hall, she can stil see you and keep making it farther away. This may take a month or so.
My parents would always sit in the hall and read books til we went to sleep.
Good luck and Congratulations

Hi S.,

My daughter is 3 1/2 yrs old and I have never let her cry it out. Also she now sleeps in her own her own bed. She is very good about it now.

It was hard at first because I used to work evenings and so I only had weekends to work on her getting to sleep in her own bed. My husband would let her sleep in bed with him when I was at work because he was afraid he would not hear her crying. So when I came home at night I would move her to her bed. Sometimes she would wake up and cry and I would go in and comfort her. I would lay down next to her until she fell asleep and yes sometimes I would fall asleep too. When she was about 2 1/2yrs I was able to quit my job to start my daycare. That when I really worked at having her sleep in her bed and setting a bed time. My daughter has a night light in her room that stays on. I started a bedtime routine. Bath, storytime and than sleep. She was okay with me leaving her in her bed. But I think it was because I was always placing her in her bed after she fell asleep and comforting and holding her in her own bed when she woke up. My daughter has a Baby Tenda crib, which has a gate that opens on the side, so she can get in and out. It also is very sturdy, strong enough for an adult to jump on the bed and has a lifetime guarantee. So there were a few times that I got in her bed with her while she fell asleep and gradually I would just lay my head on the bed until she fell asleep. After a few times of this she didn't seem to need me to be in her room to fall asleep. It may take a little longer, but right now she is used to sleeping with you and in your bed. Doing it this way gets her used to the feel of sleeping in her own bed, but having the security of you with her while she is adjusting. I know at night there were things that my daughter became afraid of. She was afraid of the glow in the dark stars that hung from her ceiling and one night she was afriad her Tickle Me Elmo, which she loved to play with during the day, would "talk" to her. By being there for her I was able to identify some of her fears and take care of them. Being alone is scary for a two year old and letting them cry it out may work but does not address the fear itself. If you would like to talk more send me a message. Don't worry, she will not be sleeping with with you forever.

Dear S.,

Maybe the other mommies have some great ideas, the only thing that I can see that will save you, is to prepare her during the day that she will be going to sleep in her own crib from now on, starting tonight. Then do your bedtime rituals and continue reminding her. She is going to be a big sister, and she needs to practice before the baby is born. Maybe get her a baby doll type baby to reinforce this. But, she will be crying and sobbing and with throwing up and snot running down her face - so prepare yourself with wet wash clothes and towels so that you can clean her up in her own bed. It will be o.k., but it is important to listen so that you can 'save' her when she needs to be saved. You can't take her out of her bed though. Maybe warn the neighbors. You can do it, I did it. It isn't easy. But, it is doable. Is that a word? Oops, I forgot you don't have a crib. Well, borrow one, or some how put one of those bars across the bed that scoot under the mattress. But she can get out of bed with one of those, they are just to keep kids from falling out of bed. I think that you may need to rent a crib. Maybe you can do that for a while, until she gets the idea that you are serious and that she needs to mind you. Really, that is the most serious thing of all. Kids just get too powerful and will continue to be like that until you can figure a way to get through to them that you are the one that is in charge. It is so hard to do that, but you must, or you will be very miserable the rest of your life with the children. No kidding, I know that sounds wild, but it is true, I have worked with hundreds of families, and paid attention to every family that I encounter in my life, and if you don't get your children to respect you and pay attention to your commands, then you will live in misery. ....and so will they, it makes kids feel insecure when they do not have enough discipline. Actually, that is what is happening to your daughter right now. She feels insecure when you are not actually there in person at her side and it is time for her to be able to be away from you for a portion of her day - night.
Peace, and fortitude, and strength and courage to you, Again, Sincerely, C. N.

C. N.

My son is also 2 1/2 (born 12/29) and STILL comes to our bed MOST nights. He too won't fall asleep alone, and we NEVER allowed him to cry himself to sleep either. So, he usually starts out on the couch with us, then we move him to his bed, and around 2:00-3:00am he comes to join us in our bed. Due to my niece moving in with us in Feb., we had to move his bed into our room for now, which seems to be helping a little bit.

Here's what we plan to try starting mid to end of July (when he gets his bedroom back): He will be "getting a Big Boy bed" (twin) so that I can sit at the foot of the bed and read him a book or two. Then I'll sit with him while he falls asleep. Once he's asleep I'll leave the room. For the next month or 2 we'll leave his toddler bed in our room for him to use if he wakes we can put him back to sleep there. Once he seems to be sleeping through the night in his room, we'll take down his bed in our room. Then after a week or two I'll start sitting in a chair next to his bed to read to him at night.

As that I am not yet pregnanat again, I have the time to let him convert slowly. If I were in your shoes, I may start out sitting next to her and take the toddler bed away right now.

I like the Twin bed for this age for a few reasons: We are planning to have another and will need the crib for the new baby. ALL kids will out grow the youth bed by the age of 4 (many MUCH sooner) so instead of having multiple beds that won't last long, I'd rather invest my money in a quality bed that will last until their at least 13-14, if not beyond. And, LAST but not least, if he REALLY has trouble falling asleep alone at first, I can lay down with him for a few minutes.

I know this is long, but I hope it helped! Even if just to assusre you that you're BY FAR not the only one that didn't like the "cry yourself to sleep" method of sleep training. Let me know how it goes for you~ J.

S.:

The best addvice I can give you is consistancy. I know it will be hard but try doing gradual steps. Tell her you'll be back to check on her in a couple of minutes (you have to go potty or something) once you come in give her kisses and hugs. Tell her you'll be back to check on her again. Each time being gone a little longer as she gets comfortable with the idea you are coming back to check on her etc. This may work or may not. Before you do this though make sure that she's gone potty, you've read books, etc so she has no excuse to get up. The biggest issue will be being consistant with her. I know you'll want to give up but you have to remember that she's testing her boundries and needs to feel secure. Maybe the dark is an issue you can get really nice blue or green glowing night lights from Home Depot or Lowes they only cost pennies a year to run. I have them throughout the house so if someone get's up in the middle of the night you don't have to turn on a light it gives just enough lighting. I keep one in each of the kids rooms also so when I check on them I don't have to turn on a light and I think this actually helps them with the dark as it's never been an issue with them.

Good luck and with the next one don't let her into your bed and put her down tired but not asleep and she will learn to put herself to bed. This worked for both of my kids. Although my daughter started wanting someone to hang out with her once she got into her "Big Girl Bed".

Well, I don't think never doing CIO is ever a mistake. So don't ever think that!! It's great that you didn't do CIO! I never did either.

Can you try sitting next to her bed until she's totally asleep? I had to do that w/my son and after a while he started going to sleep on his own w/o me.. It sounds like she might be having some trouble and really does need that extra time w/you. It might cut into your alone time for a while, but might be worth in the long run.. I've discovered that sitting w/my son for 10 min. until he was asleep was easier than fighting w/him for an hour to go to sleep.

Please don't try CIO.. It's so bad for them.. I have links I can send you if you would like to know how it causes horrible stress and messes up the cognitive development of babies...

My sister has fraternal twins who are 7 now & even tho she really didn't like having them in her bed, she never attmepted to get them in their own beds so now, they both get up & down all night & are in & out of her bed. My BIL usually ends up in one of g the kids beds! And to top it off, she now has a 3 month old so between the boys & the baby, she's exhausted! So, if you're serious about keeping her out of your bed, consistency is the key. Develop a bed time routine of some sort that you both agree on & put her in her own bed. Every time she gets up, take her back to bed w/o saying anything to her, not a word. The less made of the getting up the better. In the morning lay on the praise thick if she's spent a lot of time in her bed & tell her what a big girl she is. Maybe come up w/some kind of reward system for sleeping in her own bed. Hope this helps. Congrats on your pergnancy & good luck1