Sleep Time

OH NO!! Don't let him talk loudly to him. He will not learn to not cry at bed time, he will learn to not like his daddy. You are not spoiling him by rocking a 9 month to sleep. I still rock my 25 month old to sleep sometimes, even my husband does. I am a firm believer in discipline from an early age, but to hold a child that young and even talk firmly to them is too much. Keep doing what you are doing, he will learn. You may want to try letting him cry it out a little or changing the bed time routine. But you are doing the exact right thing as a mom, love him and be there for him, thats what he needs at this age :).

I've just had baby #3, and my friend gave me a great book. It's called "The Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg. I am not for crying it out, but I think on demand parenting is too... demanding. It is a great middle ground. You can find it at the library.

There's no need to yell at a 9 mo. old. Rocking to sleep is fine if you don't mind it....and when you feel it's time, you can gradually let him cry longer and longer before picking him up....there are different methods to crying it out. Whatever you decide, be consistent and follow through, even though it will be hard at first. But your husband should not be upset if you are the one rocking the baby - that is your choice and he doesn't have to worry about it. Unless, you are asking him to rock as well, then just continue doing it and don't let him get involved so he won't yell. However, if you cannot be there all the time, then it's time you start teaching your baby to go to sleep without you so your husband won't have issues at bedtime.

I think you need to have your husband talk to your pediatrician who will undoubtedly tell him that his approach is potentially emotionally damaging. It is normal for a child to cry when you put them down to bed and it should not be punished by yelling at them. You may want to stop rocking him to sleep slowly in order to wean him out of the habit. A great book to help you is The No Cry Sleep Solution. Know when you start that it will take a month or longer to change the behavior so don't give up too soon. Good luck! Whatever you choose do not let your husband continue what he is doing!!!

I don't typically respond to questions, but I had to here.....I'm sorry but your husband's method of picking your son up and telling him to "be quiet", sometimes loudly, is not only wrong but it's down right cruel. If you want to change a behavior do it in a loving, caring way. Don't ever yell or raise your voice. If you allow your son to cry, then go in and comfort him but not picking him up, and repeat until asleep, you'll get the desired outcome. It's worked for thousands of mothers. It may take a couple nights, and it may take a while, but it'll work.

I think you're on the opposite "extremes" of eachother. If you rock your child to sleep every night, he will become accustomed to it and it will be a little more difficult to get him to sleep on his own without your help. You may want to slowly rock less and less and he will gradually, get there without as much crying. THere are all sorts of methods that you can try that will help with getting your child with and without "much" crying.

With that being said, if you want to rock your baby, go right ahead. HE will be this young once and enjoy it. THere is no 9 month old, let alone any young child that will respond to "BE QUIET". Your husband may mean well, but this just made me laugh... a lot. To think that a baby will actually respond to a verbal command concerning sleep other than getting louder and more upset in laughable. It makes no sense. Maybe you and your husband can find a book that you can read together that will help both of you have a unified approach to the whole sleep issue. IT takes time, but just enjoy your child. They grow up real fast....
A.

First of all, I don't believe you can spoil a baby. Second, raising one's voice at a baby is going to startle the baby and cause him to cry more. I recommend looking at two excellent resources you can check out from the local library, "Baby Wise" and "The no cry sleep solution". I have six children, they eventually learn to go to sleep without crying and sleep through the night. :) They grow so fast, just love and enjoy your little one. He's too young for discipline.

M.,
You may want to try instead of stopping rocking all together shorten the time you rock your little guy and put him in his bed when he is sleepy instead of asleep. You may also want to try music to help him associate his crib with sleeping. I have 5 children of my own and I did rock them to sleep when they were teeny tiny and as they got older I would let them cry themselves to sleep. I provide care for a little guy who's mom and grandmother hold him 24/7 and the days I have him is a nightmare for me because of this this, if he is not sleeping or being held he is crying and with 3 of my own at home I cannot sit not will I sit and hold him the entire time he is at my house which is anywhere from 630am to 730pm 2 to 4 days a week. In the long run you are not helping your little guy. As far as what your husband does, mine has done the same and thought I did not always agree with him using a louder sterner voice it did work and all of my kids learned that bedtime was bedtime and mom and dad were not playing games.

Hope this helps, I know it can be a very trying time for both you and little one. I had a very hard time letting my youngest who will be 2 next month go to bed on her own, I enjoyed the snuggle time with her at night after the others were already in bed and it was my one to one time with just her, she started telling me night night at nap time when her brothers would go to their rooms for nap time and I started letting her goto sleep alone for nap time and then she was asking at bedtime so she transitioned very well. I still have nights when I wish she would snuggle with me and "need" me but I know she needs to do it on her own as well. Good luck.

No one really wants to sleep alone. You are a great mom. Keep listening to your heart. Babies have slept with their moms forever, in all cultures, until recently in ours. Men are not always part of the baby-mom sleep situation. Every family has to figure out what works for them. But trying to reason with or scare a baby or toddler or child into wanting to sleep alone is not going to convince the child of anything except that dad can't be trusted to be loving or generous or to provide security when the child is feeling tired, hungry, lonely, or scared. Many Dads feel the way your child's father feels. It may help to remind him that you have hormones that help you respond in a loving way to your child, all day and all night. Biologically, you are programmed to meet your child's needs.

I really like Dr. Sear's baby book. There is even a special sleep book and a discipline book. You may find them online or at your public library (you can always ask your library to order a copy for the public to share). If you don't mind a more academic but still easy and interesting approach to these issues, try "Our Baby, Ourselves" which describes how normal it is for babies to be close to their moms. Dr. Sears book on fathers is older now but has good advice for Dads on why Moms want to hold and care for the baby all the time.

Keep loving your boy so he'll be a sweet and good man when he grows up!

Let your husband know that he is a baby and his only way to communicate is to cry. I do not think you should stop rocking him. As, long as he stays asleep when you put him down after rocking I think it is ok. I feel like it is a good time to bond. If he wakes up when you put him down after rocking then try patting him on the back or the mattress to create that motion. It maybe more important that he stays in the bed once in there than falling asleep in their, yet.Also, you may need to give it a few more minutes before laying him down, he may not be deep enough in sleep. My son is 21 mos and I still rock him to sleep on occassion. Most of the time after I read a book or sing to him he will get in his bed and go to sleep. But sometimes he just wants to be cuddled. Do you read or sing to him that could help with transitioning him to falling asleep in the crib. He will start to see that those things go with sleeping. It will be a long time before he no longer cries at bedtime. Think about a toddler that is sleepy but doesn't want to stop playing to go to bed. I think sometimes we get too wrapped up in trying to get babies to fall asleep on their own too soon that we miss out on an incredible time for bonding. Try to get your husband involved in the process in a quiet way. He could read to him or give him a calming bath. By the way giving a baby want he/she needs is not spoiling. Baby's need to be touched, cuddled, held this is how they form a bond to those around them. I don't know if you have a routine at bedtime but that helps a lot. As long as bedtime is as stress-free as possible I think your son will eventually be able to fall asleep on his own. When he cries he needs to know that you are there for him. I think it is an old wives tale that holding a baby spoils them, it doesn't it creates security. There will come a time when he decides he is too "big" to be rocked or cuddled so soak it up. I hope this helps.

Your husband should read some attachment parenting books or a book called 'Positive Discipline'. What he is doing is horrible. What you are doing is the right thing to do. Your son is still at the stage of figuring out whom he can trust and he needs to know he can trust his parents to be there for him when he needs them

Um, YEAH, telling a 9month old ANYTHING will NOT make him learn anything at all, ever!!! SOrry, but thats just ignorant on his part. All that child is experiencing is sadness that his daddy is speaking so ugly to him :(
You could slowly wean him out of rocking. Set yourself a timer and every 2days rock a few minutes less. Lay him in his bed and pat him for a few if you need to. And it wont hurt him to cry a little. You sort of have to train them to fall asleep on their own. The cry it out method never worked for my son, but now that he is 2, almost 3, I have started it with him again and it works now. He only cried for 5minutes. For a 9month old patting, soothing shh's, low music...anything to soothe him to sleep. Use the Nanny JoJo method. Good luck, I hope it goes easy for you. Its often harder on the parents than the child.

I don't totally agree with your husband's method, but I do think you should put your son down and let him cry for a while. It will be very difficult for you. I remember doing this with my son (11 yrs old next week) and sitting in my bedroom crying too. It was hard but he started going to sleep on his own. Then I could put him in his crib with a toy and close the door (with a monitor in the room) and he'd go to sleep on his own. With all 3 of my kids I was able to put them down and they'd go to sleep. Good luck!

My son is 14 months old and either I nurse him to sleep or my husband rocks him to sleep. This is our special time with him, and it will not last much longer. I don't want to imply anything is wrong, but I would be very concerned about the way your husband speaks to your baby.

At this age, there is no way he is going to get anything from either the tone (which does not sound natural for speaking to a 9 month old) or the words. If you are really worried, you can try seeking the help of a sleep specialist or try the no-cry method by Elizabeth Pantley.

Honestly (and I mean this in the nicest way possible), could your husband be jealous of the time spent with your son? Are you guys able to have quality time together? To me, and maybe it is only me, it sounds like maybe your husband feels that he (your husband) is not getting enough attention as you are solely focused on your son. Honestly, with an infant, that is life.

I would suggest trying to carve out special time for the two of you. Post-partum depression and other feelings like that are natural for men, too. If he continues to treat the baby in the way you describe, I would seek the help of a neutral third party who could perhaps ease your husband's concern.

Good luck and hope things go well!!

There is going to come a time when you aren't going to be able to rock him to sleep and you are going to need to just put him down and run out. It's just the way it is. He needs to be able to put himself to sleep.
A lot of people don't like to let them cry it out, but sometimes we don't have much choice. I'd let him cry for 5 min. and then go in and check and pat him on the back. DON'T pick him up. Then leave and see how it goes. I'd do the 5 min. thing all night if I had to.
My sister had to cry herself to sleep. It was just her thing. She'd cry for about 5 min and then just fall off to sleep. If someone went in to pick her up, it started all over again...
Your husband - he isn't talking to a 15 year old, it's a baby!! He has no clue!! Get that man into some parenting classes or give him a book about babies.
I also think one of the other responders might have something - your husband is definitely jealous of your time with the baby. Make sure you have time together. It's very important to the health of your relationship.
YMMV
LBC

Get the book "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" = or go to their website. Try your best to get your husband to read it. He is not "disciplining" your child. he is making himself feel better and doing nothing to help your son. Even if your husband will not read thebook.. YOU READ IT.. I promise you will learn what your kid is telling you (even at nine months) and you can help him to go to sleep by himself..

good luck --J.

I agree with the suggestions about you continuing to provide rocking, love and comfort when putting the baby to bed, and to stop your husband from talking loudly to the baby (it will only teach him to fear his father, imo). IMO babies (and people) need different things and it's up to us to try to provide what they need until they can give it to themselves.

I also want to suggest Dr. Sears' books (The Baby Book, The Discipline Book, etc) as well as any book on "Attachment parenting". It felt natural and right for me and also worked beautifully with both of my very different girls.

L., writer, wife and stay-home-mom to two very different girls. Our 9-year-old loved being cuddled and nursed to sleep and still likes to be read to and tucked in every night. Our 3-year-old never liked cuddling, preferred a pacifier and bottle-feeding to nursing and still prefers falling asleep in a dark, quiet room on her own.

It is impossible to spoil a 9-month-old. I don't think you can spoil a child of any age with love. Sometimes babies cry and it is our natural instinct as mothers to cradle and comfort them. If this works and he stops crying then you are doing the right thing. Your husband is crazy if he thinks speaking harshly to a baby is going to get him to stop crying or teach him some kind of lesson. Babies don't cry because they are misbehaving. They cry because they are babies. Give him the love that he craves.

I don't think you're spoiling him and you don't have to stop rocking him entirely to start teaching him good sleep habits. Originally I rocked my son to sleep from the beginning, but when he was about 8 months I started rocking him for a certain amount of time (for us it was the length of the music on the aquarium thing in his crib) and then I put him down whether he was asleep or not. I felt like I needed that quiet time with him at the end of the day to reconnect with him...especially when I felt like we had had a bad day. I read "The no cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I didn't follow everything in there, but the best advise I got from it was to establish a bed time routine. We did: Into PJs, brush teeth, read a book, rocking with a bottle (after about a year old we moved the milk to during story time), lay down in bed when the music goes off. So finding a routine that works for your family might be a good idea.

I agree with previous posts that your husband is wrong. A baby that small can't understand commands like that. I think it will just make your baby cry more and your husband more and more frustrated if he keeps trying to get your son to go to sleep that way.

Good luck!

Edited to add: I rocked my son every night until he actually didn't want it any more. I would start rocking him and he would just point at the bed, so I guess he decided he was done with it! :) I think he didn't want to be rocked any more at about 15 months.

I have a 8 month old that has the same problem on and off. It was much worse before and I read "Healthy sleep habits, Happy child". It's very good and works. As for your husband I agree with the other moms. Too harsh. I have also had this problem with my husband when we were dealing with colic and he was frustrated. Anyway I always read little paragraphs out loud that would give him other suggestions. He is too stubborn to listen to me and if he hears it from another source is more likely to change his ways. I figured this out with our dog. This works too. Good luck to you and your family.

Rocking him is your personal choice if you don't mind then keep doing it if it is working. You certainly are not hurting anything by rocking him and honestly those are the times that I miss the most from when my daughter was little so enjoy it while you can, my daughter is now 4. I would not think that talking loudly will teach him not to cry he is too young to understand that...I am no expert mind you but if you do not want to rock him then let him cry for small amounts of time, go in and check on him, and repeat the cycle. Once he learns you are not going to hold or rock him then he will stop crying for the attention.

Best Wishes!

I think you husband is being very insensitive. Your son is a baby and you can never hold him to much. By holding your child you are showing him safety and security. What you husband is doing is teaching him fear and will eventually cause him to be nervous. Also, your husband's behavior is the start of what could later could be considered as abusive. How would he like to have someone yell in his face. Your husband is not teaching him to stop crying he probably is causing him to cry because he needs that comfort in order to fall asleep.

Hi! I know our motherly instincts tell us to rock our babies to sleep, but, if we want them to be able to soothe themselves to sleep we need to put them in their cribs awake. My children's pediatrician always said never to rock them. I used to read to them while giving them their bedtime bottle. This was the routine they got used to. Then I put them in their cribs awake, and said goodnight. Sometimes, a little "white noise" maker like repetitive ocean waves would help. Fisher Price makes something. Perhaps a little classical music at a low volume would help. Good luck!

I breastfed my babies and I always nursed them in a rocking chair then put them to bed. I don't believe this "spoils" a child. A baby is rocked in the womb whenever mother walks. That is why babies like rocking. I don't believe you should talk loudly to a baby. They are afraid of loud noises. However you must teach your child to sleep in his bed. Be firm and kind. You might have to let him cry it out when you put him to bed. AF

Studies have shown that several factors consistently cause a baby to be frightened and less able to calm themselves. Of course a frightened baby can't sleep. These factors are being alone, in the dark, cold, exposed to loud noises. I forget the fifth. Your husbands ways are not going to achieve the results he wants. It is popular lore that mom's hold babies too much but that would be hard if not impossible to do. They require a great deal of physical contact for both physical and emotional health. Seems that you don't really have a problem with your baby. It would be great if your husband would be open to some education on the topic.

YOUR instincts are the right ones. Please, please, please, do not let your husband treat the baby this way any more. Babies need to know that their needs will be met and that they will be treated with love, affection, and respect. Babies do not "learn" not to cry - imagine what you would do if you had no other way to communicate and needed help - the only way the kind of treatment your husband is advocating would "teach" the baby not to cry is if it "teaches" him that he might as well give up because no one is going to take care of him or treat him kindly. And this will result ultimately in a much needier, clingier, more insecure child. Please get help from a social worker, nurse, pediatrician, or someone else who can back you up - or if nothing else, every single child care book or pamphlet that's been written in the past thirty years.

Where you can do something differently is in not rocking your son all the way to sleep before you put him down, but instead rocking him until he's pretty drowsy or almost asleep, then putting him down and soothing him to sleep - but he actually finishes falling asleep in his crib. This gradually results in a baby who can be put down and just fall asleep on his own. I know it is hard - I went through it twice - but you will have to start a process where you gently and gradually teach him to fall asleep on his own. The book "No Cry Sleep Solution" saved my life twice in helping me learn how to do this. This may involve a little bit of protesting on his part sometimes - but that is not the same as treating the baby harshly so that he shuts up.

People have different philosophies about letting babies "cry it out" or not and that's fine - but no one espouses the philosophy of scolding or frightening them into sleeping. That makes no sense. I feel strongly that if this approach of your husband's is not nipped in the bud it will cause big problems for all of you down the line. I am sorry to be going on and on and probably sounding like a know-it-all - my own father treated us much as you are describing, and it caused lasting problems and anger in our family.

Please read that book, or another book, or ask your pediatrician or someone at your local health department (this is free) for help in developing a plan to gently teach your son to fall asleep on his own. Or email me directly and I would be more than glad to discuss this with you more and offer any help at all that I can.

Discipline is correcting someone when they do something incorrectly. It can only be used when the child or person knows what they're doing is wrong, or when they understand the connection between cause and reaction and can be trained. a 9 month old is NOT able to be "disciplined" because they are nowhere close to being old enough to understand these things. Yelling at an infant is only showing the child how to deal with anger in an unproductive way. And it's also scary for the child. Please never yell at a baby out of anger.
My advice for helping your son get to sleep is providing a secure enviroment, rocking him for a while, then begin to encourage him to learn how to fall asleep on his own. Letting him fall asleep on his own is good for the development of his self-confidence (yes, I can do this on my own!) and will be better in the long run.
It is hard in the short-term, but much better in the long-term.
Good luck as you and your husband figure out the best way to handle this together. May I suggest talking to an expert together, or reading a book together? That way you're not criticizing eachother's methods, but learning what the "experts" say

i think at that age what dad is doing is just scareing the boy. if you believe in the cry it out method then just lay him down and leave the room. if you dont then rock him. but dont get upset because you are doing something you want to do. and dont let anyone else down our wants to rock him or hold him til he drifts off. they are only little once and i would hold him every time i got the chance if i were his mom.

My daughter is 18 months old and we still put her to bed and nap every day. We don't let her cry it out. What you described your husband doing is wrong. A 9 month old baby still needs to be cuddled, rocked, and loved. There is nothing wrong with rocking him to sleep, it is a very important thing. You won't be able to do it forever. If your husband is too short tempered for it or believes he doesn't need the attention or rocking, then leave him out of the sleep process, this sucks for you and the baby....but he should never hold him up and talk loudly to him to be quiet....I mean seriously, he is only 9 months old!

Yes you need to stop rocking him to sleep and yes your husband's discipline is too much. My son is 11 months old now. At 9 months your son should be able to sooth himself to sleep. Because you rock him to sleep all the time he has not learned these skills. At the same time holding him up and telling him to be quiet doesn't help him sooth himself to sleep either. You should just put your son to bed, tired but awake and turn out the lights and leave the room. The first few nights he may cry for half an hour before falling asleep. Then it will be 15 minutes, then 10, then 5. Soon he will fall asleep all on his own without any help. If however your sons crys for more than 45 minutes then this method of sleep training wont work and I would suggest getting a book that talks about different approaches.

This is something that has been debated for years and is something that many mothers feel polarized about. Personally I opted for The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer methods. The goal is to lay them down while they are still awake but sleepy, so they learn how to fall asleep on their own. So training them takes a few days if you've been teaching them they need rocking to go to sleep. This is kind of what the books say summed up. of watching them for signs of sleepiness ie. the rubbing of eyes, staring straight ahead, etc. and watching the clock to see how long they've been awake for. Usually at 9 months they go about 2 hrs before they need a nap. Then I swaddle them and hold them for a little while and set them down in their crib while they are still awake. The first few days doing this, they will cry a little but what I'll do is stay close by and pat their tummy for a while, leave and come back after 5 minutes, etc. Try to avoid picking them up, just pat their tummy and give kisses. Sometimes I might briefly hold them and rock them but try to not make it last too long. Each day it slowly gets easier. My babies all learned the routine and most days my 6 month old doesn't even cry to go to sleep, just sees the room and senses relief from the tiredness he's feeling.
Definetly speaking loudly to a tired baby is a BAD idea. When they are toddlers and climbing in and out of bed, the show SuperNanny has a very consistent and workable method of putting them back in bed without you being angry, avoiding late night stall tactics, etc. Bedtimes in our household is a breeze now because we have taught them repeatedly how to fall asleep on their own. Good Luck!