Sleep/Separation Issues!

My son had the same problem from 8-13 months of age. He was being rocked to sleep at day care for naps and when we tried to put him down for bedtime, he couldn't fall asleep on his own. You should tell all care takers to let her learn to put herself to sleep (no rocking). Just make the room dark, with some soft music. You can let her cry it out for about 30 mins. Then, if she still can't sleep, try again later. Night times will eventually get easier. It is hard to hear them cry, but sometimes it has to be done.

I too am going through the same thing with my 11 month old. I am letting him cry it out and his is MAD!!!!!!!!!!! He is my second though and I'm going to stick with it because I had the same issue with my first great sleeper at first, same routine every night then crying at about 10-11 months. Mine is very stubborn and doesn't want to miss a thing and also a mama's boy and wants to be cuddled. But crying it out works. It didn't take that long for my son to adjust. I am a firm beliver in no kids in the bed. Never did it for my first and won't for my second. Why would he sleep by himself in the crib if he can be snuggled all night. I know parents who have gone both routes and although it is tiring and heartbreaking to let them cry I recommend it. (I tell myself crying is good lung development) The parents I know who brought kids to bed with them still have kids in bed with them. The grandparents issue is tough my mom loves to rock my kids and flat out tells me she is the grandma and will do what she wants but she doesn't take care of them on a daily basis. I would hope that if you explained how difficult it is making it on you they would understand but that is a touchy situation. Hope this helps good luck. CK

I agree with some of the other responses that you child is getting mixed messages--grandparents won't let her cry, sometimes she can sleep in your bed, sometimes she is rocked completely to sleep, sometimes not...confusing! I would recommend getting her out of your bed as soon as possible. (Side note: My friends still has a 4 year old in bed with them. yikes!) If anything, your marriage has to stay strong and you need your sleep to be strong parents. Believe me, she is not getting enough sleep in your bed either. We did the CIO method but also mixed in a little soothing in the beginning so it wouldn't be so sudden. You said it yourself-- she is really not crying sometimes, but they learn to manipulate us so quickly!! My daughter can fake cry in a second, too! So...I would sit down with husband (then grandparents) and stop the crying excuses. Babies cry and most of the time it is because they are exhausted and don't know how to soothe themselves to sleep. So, by leaving her alone for lengths of time will show her she must be independent. At first, it will be HARD. She will exhaust herself with crying, but she will wake up and not remember a thing! I also recommend not rushing in to get her in the morning at the first noise. Teach her that her crib can be a wonderful place to play, read, snuggle! I leave a few small books in there and animals for her to find when she wakes. Good luck!!!

Hi G.: I first want to say that you should not beat yourself up for bringing your babe into bed with you. It is survival and it is so hard to let your babe cry when you know she is so comforted by just being with you. So, cut yourself some slack! I have a seven month old and we are having sleep issues too (she was a great sleeper for the first 4 1/2-5 months of life). A friend recommended a book to me: Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. I can't speak to whether it works as I have not gone through her whole process, but a couple of people I know found it to be a good resource. I wish you the best of luck and listen to your gut!
C.

I don't do CIO, personally. There are more gentle methods. I agree that consistency is important but if I were caring for a baby and the parent expected me to let her CIO, I just wouldn't do it (I would tell the parent this, not go behind their backs). The GPs might feel the same way so perhaps it would be helpful to find a gentle method that works and that they will be willing to go along with. Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution may be a helpful book for you. It is not an overnight fix, necessarily, but neither is CIO. Another thing to note is that there are several periods of sleep disruption to come. It is not a done deal that once you CIO with them and they go to sleep, that's it forever. There are other separation anxiety periods, teething, sickness, big cognitive leaps, etc. I think "they" give us this expectation that once the baby is sleeping through the night, our work is done. So NOT true.

I think it is more helpful when dealing with these taxing situations to not project motives onto the babies that put us in an adversarial situation with them. Yes, she knows what she is doing, but not in some evil manipulative way. She is coping with whatever she is going through in the only way she knows. She wants her mom, reasonable expectation and there are gentle ways to get her more cooperative with your wants and needs.

Another thing to note is the baby might have NO PROBLEM at all going to sleep at day care. I know a lot of kids will just go with the program at daycare regardless of what hoops they make mom jump through at home. :)

Do you think it is simply separation anxiety? Then as the other post said, Ferberizing might work.
Another version of it that is a little gentler is walk in/walk out.
So calm your little on down, walk out. If she is hysterical still after a minute, go right back in and calm her down. Keep repeating until she falls asleep. This can take an hour! (As can Ferberizing).
No offense to anyone at all, but I prefer the WI/WO because once she catches on and knows you are coming back, the SA will stop.
With Ferberizing you wait longer and longer before going in, and they are not sure you are coming back, they just finally fall asleep from exhaustion.
BUT you have to do the method that works for YOU and your baby.

I have to say the thing that surprised me the most about having a baby was the strain it put on my marriage. I hope that strain stops for you as well!

Best of luck.

thanks for asking the hard questions. this is something I've really struggled with. there are so many strategies and theories, you have to decide what you believe. personally, I believe that they need to develop trust in us and themselves and that CIO breaks that trust rather than building it - creating more stress and distress and problems in the long run, that their intuition about what they need is good and natural and that her cues will tell you what she needs. but every kid is different - you have to feel it out and think it through. that means that sometimes crying tells us the child needs to be held, slept with, etc., and sometimes it means she needs to be helped to learn to fall asleep on her own - it depends on the child so you have to use your knowledge and intuition of her. I agree that consistency is key regardless of what you choose. for us, we choose to take our son into our bed at 6 months when he started demanding it, and it has been really stressful and difficult at times, but ultimately the right choice. we love co-sleeping, and we find other times and places to be together alone. we have found ways to work with and around and fix the problems associated with it as they have emerged. now he is 2 and 1/2. we will see how long it is good for all of us, but I know plenty of people who have transitioned kids to their own beds at 2, 3, 4, 5 - when it felt right and worked for everyone. as long as you know what you are doing and why and what you want, and whatever you do is consistent, there's no harm in being compassionate and gentle with your child - only loving connection and gentleness can be the result.

My daughter went through the same thing around 1 year (and again at 18 months, and again at 2, etc. What is nice is that even though she has sleeping issues about every six months, they do get easier to fix the older she gets, but I'm getting off topic). First, a question. How often is your daughter napping, and is she napping on schedule? Many one year olds are ready to have one nap a day, right around noon. You might find that a daytime schedule helps with nighttime.

If her daytime schedule works for her, then I think the biggest issue is that she's getting mixed messages. Sometimes she's allowed to cry, sometimes she gets taken into bed, sometimes she's rocked to sleep, etc etc. Were she younger or staying home indefinately, I'd say pick a method and do what works for you. Given that she's a year and will soon need to be able to self-sooth, I would do the ferber method. In this case, I think that your husband is right that you should put her down when she's pretty tired, instead of just when the clock says it's "bedtime." Once she's good at going to sleep, work on having a more consistent bedtime. I'm not going to say Ferberizing is a piece of cake or a fun thing to do, but it does work when done consistently. You might just want to try it at night at first, but you have to do it putting her to bed and also when she wakes up at night. Yes, you won't get a lot of sleep, but it would only be for about a week, as opposed to indefinately like the routine you have going now. After she's pretty good about bedtime, ferberize during the day.

Of course it breaks the grandparent's hearts during the day when she cries. Work with them about strategies (turning off the monitor) to help ferberize (although hopefully if she's sleeping better at night it won't be as hard during the day). But if they undermine you here, the battle might just get more epic. But that is an issue for another day. Get her sleeping at night, first.

Good luck!

Hi G.! This is probably tougher on you than your little one.
She is more than likely having problems due to separation anxiety and the fact that her grandparents put her down differently than you do. Babies NEED consistency, so I urge you to tell the GP's to stick with your method as well.
I agree with the other posts too that say the method you choose depends on the temperment of you and your baby.
CIO did NOT work for us, but WI/WO did - just the opposite of someone else!
Good luck - you will find a method that works for you!

I know you don't want to hear this but the cry it out method is the best. Letting her have her way is only going to make her worse. Your absolutely right when you say she is 1 and does not know what she needs. The bedtime routine is great but letting her get up or play on everyone's feelings gives her the power. Once a child's behavior starts affecting your marriage something needs to change fast. Let the grandparents know that your her mother and if they can't back you up on the rules they will not be able to watch her or they can deal with her every night. Good luck

My son was the same way do to separation anxiety but he did out grow and now is sleeping wonderfully again. I think if they already have anxiety it makes the day time more difficult if you let them cry it out. You could try putting her to bed half hour earlier than usual. She may be over tired by the time she's going down if she's crying for up to an hour. It should only take a few minutes of whining if she's really tired and you've been doing the cio method for a few days. Her nap might need to be adjusted too. Good luck. I know what it feels like my youngest was very difficult to get down at this age.

No perfect advice here, but I have to throw into the ring the idea of no CIO. Our daughter had so very much of this same pattern, yet I followed the advice of Dr. Sears & Sears books - they advocate no cry it out, but instead attachment parenting. Our culture lets babies cry it out, other cultures don't do that and keep the babies with them close or close by including co-sleeping. I'd recommend reading what Sears & Sears have to say, and the book "No Cry Sleep Solution." There is definitely no one perfect solution, yet these books can give you a better understanding of what's going on, with lots of compassion. The main thing your daughter will always need is love and comfort. My daughter at 16 months began sleeping very well. The transition at about 10 months from our room to her own was the worst period. My philosophy is that screaming crying teaches no lessons. Instead I followed advice I had read saying to just go to the baby immediately in the night and soothe back to sleep as fast as possible, then everyone can get back to sleep.

I had to make that switch from bringing her into our bed in the middle of the night to having her fall back asleep in her own bed. I set up a very comfy (for me) rocking chair with a neck pillow for me, and would rock/nurse her back to sleep. It took dedication to say the least to not take the "easy" way out and all fall back asleep in our bed, but it did work.

Also, I've heard from others that the daycare nap transition went 100% better than the parents had expected. It's a totally new environment, and they have oodles of experience getting kids to nap among the other kids. Don't worry about that yet. Hope some of this helps.

I'm not sure what your daily routine with her is, but I think maybe (based on the fact that you haven't changed the bedtime routine since she was 3 months) you might need to update it a little. There was another response about amounts of naps during the day. That could be key. If she is napping too much during the day, she really might not be tired at night. And I agree that if everyone isn't on the same page, she will get confused. I often found myself fighting with my parents because I felt like they were taking steps backwards with my daughter when I would try to change things, like nap times or even just trying to keep her eating at the same times every day. It's worth it in the end because everyone will benefit from it. I found that with her great grandmother, she was reluctant to let go of the "baby phase" where she needed to be held while she drank her cup or needed to sit in a bouncy chair. My grandmother just wanted to her stay a baby in way.
As far as your daughters eating schedule goes, does she eat normal meals now at the times you eat meals? I'm just wondering about the bottle before bed and nap times. I really only know what we've done, so I'm not trying to criticize that point, I just don't know that she really needs that at her age unless you just think it's soothing to her. It might not be working anymore though.
I feel like I'm jumping all around here, but again, I don't know what time you put her to bed, but even pushing it back a 1/2 hour could do the trick. It might give her enough time to start to get a little more tired on her own.
I hope something in my response or someone else's has given you some ideas. Good luck and as long as everyone follows the same path, I think you'll be ok!

Hi G., well i have expereienced, with children all of my life. My mom did foster care, for 17 years. I was 8 yrs. Old. She had 4 babies at a time. I did day care for 23 years. You must be firm. Very firm. No rocking. This is a bad habit. She is to not go into your bed. Be firm, also. She is to nap at her age. Be firm, again. Stay out of her rm. She knows you will go in there. These things are all bad. She has to know you mean buisness, and you are not going to show up anymore.or she is going to take naps, and stay out of your bed. You need to do this now. She will be in your bed till she is 10 years old, possibly. So put your foot down. D.

Hi there,
I totally recommend the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." Our daughter, like yours, was/is extremely strong willed, stubborn, etc. Cried/screamed at bedtime, etc etc. Same story as you. When we finally put this book's recos to work, it took 3 days max for her to get to sleep on her own. And then we wondered why we had waited so long to do it. The book is incredibly helpful because it explains why you are a good parent when you insist that your child learn healthy sleep habits, no matter how much it pains you to hear them cry. He uses the vaccination/medical attention analogy. You wouldn't tell a doctor to stop a life-enhancing/saving procedure just because your child was crying. Same with sleep. It can't be about the crying. Sleep is about your child's (and YOUR!) good health, mental development, physical development, etc etc. You are doing a good thing when you teach your child to self-soothe and get to sleep on her own. You are preparing her for life in a positive way. Maybe this will help explain it to the grandparents, that interrupting the lesson because she cries is actually not good for the child. He has both the CIO and WI/WO methods. We tried the WI/WO, but our daughter was so strong-willed that it didn't work. She just stayed awake and awake while I was there. CIO worked, I swear, in 3 days. First night, 35 minutes of crying during which I begged my husband to not let me go upstairs no matter what, with tears rolling down my face. Second night, 12 minutes. Third night, 2 minutes and out like a light. Fourth night, almost immediate sleep. Just remember that at this age, your daughter knows she is loved, does not think you have abandoned her, etc, so it's not about that. In our case, it was a total power play by our daughter (which is entirely natural to do), and we were letting her play us to both her physical/mental detriment and ours.

I hope this helps. I will also add that we have had to change her bedtime routine periodically when the standard one has stopped working. It's a bummer that it changes just as you get the hang of it, but that's life with kids. ;) Our daughter went to one nap a day at 14 months. Bummer! And then she stopped napping outright at 3. I was bummed to lose the time during the day, but the bedtimes went so much easier because she was actually tired.

Good luck! And remember while she is crying and screaming and you aren't going upstairs: This will pass, your daughter will be better for it, and your mental health will be better for it. It's misery in the moment, but the payoff is tremendous. You are doing the right thing! Believe that.
E :)

Hi G., I really can't give you advice on the night sleeping as my 18mth old still spends most of the night in bed with me even though I too said I'd NEVER have a baby in my bed. But my son started at a home daycare for few days a week this summer and he has Never had a problem there. I can barely get him to nap at home, my husband can much better but even still at daycare it is even easier and he goes down within 5-10 minutes. I think it's just being somewhere different and with someone different. I don't think copying her routine at home would help because I really just think it's the different environment. So if nothing else hopefully your daughter will sleep much better at daycare, and maybe somehow that will effect her night sleeping.

I had this problem with my daughter. It seemed like she would cry for hours with no end in sight. I also used to just sit with her on the couch and hold her until she'd drift off, then she'd go down no problem. I hemmed and hawed how to get her out of the habit of doing that. And then one day, shortly after she turned one, she started struggling in my arms on the couch. I couldn't get her to stop so I put her in her crib and she went right to sleep! I truly believe that kids grow out of things eventually and sometimes you just have to go with their ideas, not your own. Good luck with this!

Dear G.,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have two babies. Rowan is 13 months and Juliet is 23 months. I made the same exact mistake with Juliet. As a result, she now sleeps in her big girl bed in our room. I definitely put a strain on our marriage too, but my hubby and I are very open and talk about it a lot so it helps. It has now come down to me putting my daughter to bed every night in our room and I go to bed at the same time which gives my hubby and I NO TIME together alone. I know from experience with my son (who was easier to let cry because he wasn't as desperate) that you MUST let them cry it out BEFORE they're in a bed. I have tried walking out of the room before my daughter is asleep and she just runs out behind me. The suggestion I got from my pediatrician is that you should get your daughter ready for bed and put her down and leave the house and have your husband stay and let her cry it out. It got way too emotional for me when my daughter would cry that I would go running in to soothe her. My dr. says that the fathers aren't as emotional therefore they can handle it better. Do it before you're stuck like us!! lol There is an end, but you are the one who determines how far away it is. My son Rowan who is 13 months old is so easy. I just put him in his crib and kiss him goodnight and he falls asleep on his own. I think it's a mistake all of us mothers make with our first babies. I hope I helped you at least a little. Also, my dr. says it should take about a week of letting her cry it out and she will learn to self soothe. One thing I use for BOTH my babies is the "Twilight Turtle" which projects stars on their ceilings and really helps distract them from my absence. Good luck.

C.