Sleep Questions

I have a three year old boy. Who still sleeps with me i'm a single mom. I never breast feed, and he sleeped in his crib as a baby once he found out he could jump out. At the age of two he's always in my bed. Unless he falls asleep before me. I feel that if anything bad ever happened at least we would be together. My bedroom is on one side of the house and his is on the other.

HI Jessica
I have found that it is best to do whatever suits you. Don't worry about how other people feel about the way you are raising your daughter. Children need to feel secure and I feel that what you are doing is great if it is working for you and it sounds like it is. You are her mom and you know best right now.

I too had my daughter in late Sept 07 and continue to nurse and co-sleep. Both my husband and I have issues with the "crying it out" method and don't let it go beyond 1 or 2 minutes. I have found that nursing & co-sleeping allows us to sleep, as well as have cuddle time and closeness that wouldn't be had otherwise. Sometimes I envy those whose babies sleep all though the night, but my daughter won't be a baby forever and she will outgrow it all someday. So the bottom line is you do whatever works for you, as long as your child's needs are getting met.

The most important thing is that you find a system that works for YOU and your family. If this is working for you, then fine. Who cares what anybody else thinks. You're doing what's best for your family.

Hi Jesse,

Continue to follow your instincts. There are many others like you, but usually keep quiet as it is not mainstream western culture. Co-sleeping and nursing for over a year is normal in most of the world. You might want to contact your local La Leche League to find like minded moms.

G. T.

You do what works and is best for your family. I coslept with my oldest until she was three and nursed her for 18 months. I have friends that have co slept longer nad nursed for three years. I love cosleeping with little ones and have coslept with all of mine (three so far, one more to go) They each have determined when they were ready to move into their own bed/room.

Personally, I am a huge fan of the cry it out. With that said, I think as long as you AND your husband AND your child are well rested and happy, then you should continue doing what feels right for you. I would consider how long you want to co-sleep for... for example, if you want her to be out of your bed by 2... she might have a tough time transitining... but if you let her decide... then, I think it is great to continue the co-sleeping/nursing at night.

I am sure lots of people have responded. All with different viewpoints. I nursed both of my boys until they were 2 and a half, I co-slept most nights. I worked with my first child and agree with you that the extra time at night made my heart happy.

My children are now 3 and 6. They both sleep in their own bed. The six year old has the occasional nightmare which brings him into our bed in the middle of the night. The three year usually sleeps until 5am and then wakes up and calls for me. I join him in his bed and the 6 year old usually moves to my bed to join my husband.

From an evolutionary standpoint, it is PERFECTLY natural to sleep with and nurse your children. I guarantee that cavemen and early people did not leave their infant children in separate caves to cry it out. From a purely biological survival standpoint it stands to reason that that would not have worked.

With that said, people have all different philosophies. If it feels right to you, go with it. Trust yourself.

Good luck.

M.

Hi J.,

Affirmative to all of your questions: I co-sleep with my 14-month old. I still night nurse (and absolutely love the extra touch time since I work full-time). I'm not afraid to let him cry it out, but I don't feel it is always necessary for him to do so. I'd rather talk to him, sing BINGO (his favorite) and/or figure out another way. These alternatives generally work and I don't think they are harmful to him.

We really enjoy each other and I follow his cues. When he's ready, he gives me cues. He's gradually becoming more independent in other areas (i.e., he doesn't want me to feed him so he's on finger foods almost completely).

Follow your heart! You're not alone :)

Ditto to all the other mothers that said to do what works best for you. If what you are doing is currently working, then keep on doing it.

I nursed my daughter until she was a little older than 13 months and my husband and I co-slept with our daughter until she was about 9 months old. Then we transitioned her to her crib using the no-cry sleep solution method in Elizabeth Pantley's book of the same title. I recommend it once you think about switching your daughter to her own bed, especially if you are like me and cannot bear the thought of "crying it out".

I slept with some of my babies (not w/1st because we had a waterbed which is not safe). I think it is the best way to get sleep while you are nursing. I have 4 children & I never had a problem getting them to move into their own beds. I generally kept the baby with me until I was ready to go to bed. I believe in attachment parenting & either wear or carry my babies nearly all the time. Once I was ready for bed, I would always nurse them to sleep (works like a charm & never caused me any problems in spite of all the predictions of doom) & then put them in their crib for the night. When they woke up to nurse, I would bring them into bed with me. That way I got the most amount of sleep possible. Eventually, they would sleep through the night & since they were already in their crib, there was no fuss. I keep the crib in my room until they are 2 & then move it into their room. I am very against crying it out. I think it is a very bad way to get a child to sleep at any age. My children all go to bed at 8 p.m. & sleep through the night with no problems. For naps, I generally would nurse them to sleep then too & then transitioned them to stories when they stopped nursing.

All of my kids stopped night nursing before they were a year. If they had not, I would have nursed them at night.

Just to clear up some incorrect information given by previous posters, you do not need to stop nursing when a baby has teeth. Babies quickly learn not to bite their mamas when they are given consistent feedback. To switch to pumping & bottle feeding for that reason would be a huge pain in the rear. Also, babies do not have a grand scheme to seize control & are not actively planning on how to manipulate their parents =).

If you have a system that is working for you, keep it up. You will always find people who have horror stories about non-mainstream parenting. Ignore all of them & do what is right for your family.

Hi J., there really isn't anything wrong w/ co-sleepying. I sleep w/ my 2yr. old and I love it. I too work outside the home now, she's my youngest and last child, and I 'm going through a custody issue so I just try and keep her close. On a lighter note your baby's only 1 but, on topic of night nursing I don't know about that. If it's a necessity versus a comfort then you may want to start weening before it becomes a struggle. Does the baby still nurse doing the day? There are other ways the 2 of you can have quality time. Good Luck and enjoy her!

My Son, 7 mo, sleeps in my bed most nights or most of the night. Suffication seems unlikely as I have seen him kick off blankets and pillows and breath with his face burried at my breast. He turns on his side when he is on his own. His crib is sometimes too full of baby stuff, (it is in my room), for him to get into. I do find he disturbs my sleep occationally and sometimes I want to cuddle more often with his dad but I believe in co sleeping.

My son turned 2 last month and I still co-sleep with him. My husband is a light sleeper and my son is very restless, so he has not co-slept with him since he was 11 months old. At 11 months we got a double bed for my son's room. My husband lays with him until he goes to sleep and then when he wakes I go in with him.

At age 1 my son was still nursing 4-8 times a night. At about 14 months I allowed him to nurse whenever he wanted to at night but limited the time and slowly dropped the time and he learned to be happy with cuddling to go back to sleep. He stopped nursing altogether at 16 and a half months cold turkey, he choice. He stopped asking to nurse.

I love co-sleeping. It is wonderful to fall asleep with your child cuddled up in your arms. My son is very affectionate and I attribute that to all of our cuddle time. I lay with him to fall asleep for nap too.

Keep doing what is right for you family. Trust your instincts. I have a friend co-sleeping with a 2 and a half year old and a newborn.

HI,
My name is S. and my first child was at 32 and he is now 5 and my second one is a girl and she is 2. I had both of my babies sleep with me. When they were first born I nursed both. It was just easier to nurse during the night and also I felt they were safer next to me. I am a light sleeper so if anything ever happened it would wake me. My two are three yrs apart. My son slept with us up until his sister came and he was a wk away from being 3. He went to his bed after that. I had already started working with him going to his bed. I would read to him or tell him a story.
Sometimes I would just lay with him until he went to sleep and then I would go back to my room. My daughter is still sleeping with us. She does have her own bed and she does sleep in there. I read to her and wait for her to go to sleep and then I go to my room but when she wakes up she comes to our room. I am not in any rush I guess because she is still a baby and I want to enjoy the baby part of her as long as I can. I only nursed for a few months but it is normal for moms to nurse over a year but you would want to take her off the nanny. It's good to take them off the bottle by a year and onto sippy cups but all mom's are different and you are free to do things the way you see fit. When she starts getting teeth you will then know it is time to stop nursing yourself but you can pump and give it to her by bottle or sippy cup. She will still be getting the vitamins that we provide for them. Nursing is the best thing you could ever do for your child but it is a job in itself.

It is good for you to let the child cry but being a new mom I know that it is going to be hard. It was very hard for me. I would let them cry for about 10 or 15 mins. and then go to them.
I will tell you this also. When you let your child sleep with you for a long period it starts taking time away from you and your husband. You do not want that to happen. You and your husband need alone time without baby being between you. Good Luck. I am sure you will do fine when it's time to put her in her own space.

Hello J., Both of my children slept with me when they were babies. My husband traveled a lot. I liked their company, and it was easy to breast feed. I have always believed that "co-sleep" is a healthy way to stay connected as a group or family. When my children were a year or more both of them occasionally slept with us. Mostly,after having bad dreams, just scared in general from noises, storms, or being by themselves and not wanting to be alone. I quit breast feeding both children after 6 months. My first born, my daughter just loved to sleep she didnt really care if it was her room or mine. My son, I assumed he just liked being held or next to somebody. He would fall asleep to music from the hanging mobil toy, but would wake in the middle of the night, everynight! It wasnt until he was a teen that i figured out that he needed noise to go to sleep. As an infant,when he would wake in the middle of the night,I would rock him and hum, soon as i put him down he would wake 15 minutes later. I would let him cry, but it just wrecked my nerves. I would let him sleep with me, or us if dad was home. Normally, there is no background noise from, radios, tvs, or people in the middle of the night. But, when you sleep with people you hear them breath, snore, talk, or moan. After he was about a year he would sleep in his own bed and wake occasionally. As a pre-teen he would fall asleep, wake, and not be able to go back asleep. Warm milk,worked most of the time. Then he bought a tv with his own money from Chistmas, (i wasnt one for having tvs in bedrooms) He would fall asleep with it on every night! I would turn it off. If he woke up he would turn it on, and fall right back to sleep! what we learn from babes! I hope i have helped you with your curiousity about sleeping with your children. LOL! My daughter is 20 years old now, goes to college, and still on rare occasion wants to sleep with her mom. My son, well he has 2 tvs in his room, occasionally he will fall asleep with one of them on, but he sleeps through the night!!

J.- I think you answered your own questions "i feel it is working" :) i understand you want to get a little feedback and see if other people have been in your situation, but always remember that every mommy/baby/nursing/sleeping/etc bond is totally unique. this is working for you and baby, so GO with it! don't worry about those other bridges until you get there. i think that it is much harder on us parents to transition these babies to something new than it is for them. i did not sleep with my baby girl, so i can't give you specific advise for that. but, we all go thru that uncertainty with letting them cry it out. your daughter is still quite young and not at an age that i think she should have to cry it out. once she is closer to 8 or 9 months (or six months if you're brave), she should start learning to fall asleep on her own. i know it will be tough (on you) if she cries, but just give yourself a time limit and stick with it. i think 5-6 minutes is sufficient time to wait. either, they will surprise you and suddenly be asleep within that limit, or they need you for something and so you go in there. its only been 5 minutes...she won't be traumatized. what you don't want to do is give up too quickly...thats where you get into a bad pattern and the baby is training you...if you remain consistent, go in after 5 minutes and gently comfort her, rub her back, sing to her whatever, then leave again...many many people ahve sworn by the "ferber" method. i havent' actually read it, i just wing it with my girl. you can tell at that point if its just a tired cry or if there is something wrong...just trust yourself and remember that you are the parent. she'll have you wrapped around her finger in so many ways..you have to have some control :)

Hi J.,

My husband and I have co-slept with all of our children. Including our 2 1/2yr old right now. LOL! We do not beleive in allowing our children to 'cry it out.' We feel it creates a distance between parent and child and a lack of trust. I personally watched and felt my oldest son's gripping terror when I picked him up from the crib after 45mins of 'crying it out.' I said then that I would never do that again and I haven't. So, he became our first co-sleeper. Then his brother came along. Just the yr before, we had decided that 4yrs old was a good age to get a 'big boy bed' and to sleep on his own. He agreed so he 'moved out' at 4yrs old. A yr later, his brother was now our co-sleeper. LOL! Then we did the same for him at 4yrs old. No problems moving him out either. Then a yr later, another son was born! LOL! Can you see the pattern? No, it does NOT mean that my husband and I were intiment only once every 4yrs. LOL! After you finish laughing, I will continue...just kidding. That was funny though. Anyhoo, our litte man sleeps with us most every night. He stopped nursing at around 1 1/2yrs old I think it was. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your child that God gave to you. So if co-sleeping works for you and your family than do it! And DO NOT even think twice about what the rest of the world thinks.

Good luck with this school year! Is it summer yet?

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 8 and 2yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. I love to help other moms, who want to be SAHMs, reach that goal. If you, or someone that you know, wants to be a SAHM, please email me at ____@____.com. Thanks!

It really looks like some-one has questioned your decision to cosleep and continue breastfeeding and you are looking for validation. What you do would not work in my home, but every family is different. Obviously you can stop breastfeeding at night whenever you are ready. Your daughter no longer has a physical need for the milk(other than helping her immune system), but if the two of you need the bonding thats fine as long as you are both getting enough sleep(which could be a negative for immunity). You really need to ask yourself these few questions to decide if its time to stop cosleeping:

1. Is your daughter getting enough sleep to be happy and healthy? My twins need 12 solid hours at night plus naps and I can't spend 12 hours with them in bed so they need to know how to sleep in their cribs.

2. Are you getting enough sleep and quality sleep to be healthy, happy, and productive? If lack of sleep has you moody its not good for your husband or your baby, but if you are doing well on the sleep you are getting thats just fine.

3. What is the state of your marriage? Is your husband asking if its time for the baby to sleep in the crib? Are you and your husband getting enough time for bonding and intimacy? Does having someone else in your "refuge" mean you as a couple are getting farther apart? If any of these are becoming an issue I think that you need to realize that anything that jeopardizes your marriage is BAD for your daughter. Way worse than CIO.

If you are all getting enough sleep, your marriage is not suffering and your husband also enjoys cosleeping with the baby then by all means enjoy the bonding time that you are getting.

For honestys sake and so you can see where I am coming from - this is what we did in our home:
With Twins cosleeping was never really an option for us - in fact we didn't even share our bedroom with our kids except on the few days they were having a hard night (and then if we woke to a sleeping baby they went back to the crib. My husband is also a pilot so his sleep on flying days is a matter of safety for not just my family but others too. He did always help on non-flying days though. I got up to breastfeed the babies, and then to bottle feed them and pump when breastfeeding didn't work out. My kids have always slept in their cribs so unless they were sick they've never cried more than 20 minutes about being in their cribs at night. For us, I love the fact that our bed is for my husband and I - its a place of refuge and bonding. Also our kids need lots of sleep to be pleasant people and I can't stay in bed with them from 7 to 7 when they normally sleep. As for Crying it Out we've had to do it for naps, but never at bedtime. I don't like doing it, but after not doing the CIO for a while, I can say that the time they spent crying in thier cribs was no more than the time they would have spent crying later if they didn't get enough sleep.

I coslept with my son for the first 2 months, then I moved him to his crib in the same room. He would always get up and I would put him back into my bed. Eventually, he started staying in his bed. He would wake up and call out to me and I would tell him to put his head down and he'd go right back to sleep. But it definitely took time. He is now 3 and still gets in my bed from time to time. I started using Johnson and Johnson's Toddler Nighttime wash and it really relaxes him and gets him to sleep right away. I check on him in his room a few times before I go to bed to make sure the temp in his room is comfortable. If it is, he'll sleep until the morning. Good luck...

First of all, it's wonderful that you're still nursing! If it works for you, then don't worry about the transition. My first two never slept in our bed. I nursed them till they were 1.5 years. My third one is completely different! He woke (still wakes) so often at night that he ended up in our bed. He would wake to nurse and I nursed him for 2 years! Now, at 2.5 yrs, he falls asleep in our bed, then we move him to his bed. He usually ends up back in our bed at some point during the night. He's not in a crib anymore so that he can get out if he wants. I don't know if it's a hard habit to break, but I feel that if he needs that closeness, it's ok. It definitely affects _my_ quality of sleep, but I know that it's a temporary thing. Some day he won't need, or want to be, so close. If you're working during the day then I think it's great that you co-sleep. So, if it works for you and you're all happy with the situation, keep it up!
Good luck!

Hi there. I still breast-feed our little girl, age 2 yrs, 4 months. Most nights. I sleep with her on a twin-sized mattress, and she breast-feeds to sleep initially, and off and on from about 4am onwards.

At some point soon, we would like to start producing a second child. This first little girl is now in full-day daycare. I'm hoping that this 9- or so hour long holiday from breast-feeding will get my menstral cycle going again, but I am not sure that it will.

Much happiness and good luck with your daughter.

Well, it sounds like you're on the right track. I cosleep with my 11 month old and am tandem nursing my three year old too. She's in her own bedroom, but occasionally will sleep with me and her sister in our room. My husband works out of the state, but even when we were with him he worked nights, and so didn't sleep with me and the baby. Before our second daughter was born, our older child would sleep between us to be sure she wouldn't roll off the bed. When I had my second child, the first one was still sleeping in my bed, so I slept in the middle. While DD1 was pretty much night weaned, when the baby came and I had a lot of milk she went back to night nursing for a few weeks. I just turned from one side to the other. And since my husband wasn't home, it helped me feel better about being able to care for them at night. We night weaned DD1 at about 20 months when I was pregnant with DD2. If all you have is night nursing, I would continue with that for as long as you like.

I have a four year old, who still sleeps with us. She starts out in here bed but during the night she comes into our bed. I would say we haven't really tried to make her sleep in her bed, but are planning to "enforce" the rule soon since I am expecting another baby next month. We will use the arrival of the new baby as a way to get her be a big sis and big girl to sleep in her bed. As a baby we did co-sleep and had no issues with it. I too worked all day while she was at daycare for 10-11 hours, so night time was for bonding. She breast fed up to 18 months. I think these were all contributing factors to the "problem" now. However, with the new baby we will try harder to use the crib or a bassinette next to out bed.

J.:

CONGRATULATIONS!

Okay - co-sleeping. I would have LOVED to co-sleep, but my husband said "no kids in the bed" - which actually has turned out to be a good thing - it's "our" bed and when they do get to sleep with me (it's always Mommy they come to!) it's a treat.

I nursed my first son until he was 2.5 years old. My second son weaned himself at one year - I was ready to keep going, but he could've cared less how he got the food - boob or bottle didn't matter and for him. I pumped and gave it to him in a bottle.

At one year, I think letting them cry it out is a little hard. It's teaching them compassion when we comfort them. There is a point of inconsolable and you just have to let them know you love them. With my boys (now 8 and 6), I TRY and talk with them about their "meltdown", when they are at the point where they won't listen, I let them know where I'll be when they are ready to talk about it. Sometimes giving them the attention only makes the meltdown that much more of a meltdown.

Above all else - follow your instincts and what works for you and your family. Every family dynamic is different so there really isn't "one set of rules" that everyone can follow. Sometimes it's about trying things that work - just know that it's rarely an "instant" fix and trying it once or twice may not always work - it's about routines and what works best for your family.

Take care!

unfortunately, i was not able to nurse past 4 months. my daughter cosleeps. she goes to sleep in her own bed, which was in my room until 2.5 yo, and then climbs into my bed in the middle of the night. i am a single parent so it started from necessity. i just could not get up several times in the middle of the night to nurse and then stay awake enough to out her back in her bed. now i do it because that is what she needs and it works for us. i'm not comfortable with cio for us. having said that, we have had nights of crying (no more than 5 minutes) because she just doesn't want to go to bed but that didn't start until after 2.5 yo. and to be honest i hated it. it is a last resort for me. as far as transitioning goes. her crib was in my room, then toddler bed in my room, then her own bed in her room. again she still comes into my bed in the middle of most nights so i guess we are not done transitioning.

I'm still night co-sleeping and nursing my 1 yo (also born end of sept 07). I plan on transitioning to his crib soon, primarily because I feel that his sleep is broken due to waking up to suckle out of habit, not hunger.
Regarding the crying issue - I had a HUGE problem with this, and had to overcome it to get him to nap in his crib (instead of my lap), which we just did a month ago.
While it was incredibly hard, once I really accepted the fact that he was crying because he was mad, it was easier to handle.
You go ahead and do whatever you feel comfortable with, but remember that you may be setting yourself up for a harder path later. There's nothing wrong with cosleeping, but it's easier to get a 1 yo in his crib than a 4 yo in his own room.

I had both of my girls sleep with me. Both at the same time for a long while too. My youngest is now 3 1/2, and she just started sleeping in her bed without mommy's aid this summer. However, she does still get up on occation during the night, and I pull her into our bed with me. I did let my oldest daughter cry it out and start sleeping by herself (only because it took a couple of nights for it to work...and she was already 1), but then we made a major move about a month after that, and destroyed our progress- so she was back in bed with me. I think co-sleeping can be good, but it depends on everyone involved. For example, I would never co-sleep with my daughters with my husband...he is oblivious to what (or who) goes on around him while he sleeps, therefore I would be worried he would hurt them. As long as the parent is confident that they can be aware of the child, and is in a safe bed (against a wall, or with a safety gate thingy)..I think it is wonderful bonding time! I would probably still do it, if it weren't for them growing up and needing more room and steam rolling me during the night.
K.

I think if it is made to be a big deal when it is time for them to sleep alone, then it will be a big deal. I have 4 children. I let them sleep with me when they feel the need. Yes, even my 12 year old daughter. My husband doesn't disagree. We go many nights without anyone in our bed. Then we will go many nights with at least 1 child in our bed. I think you need to do what makes you and your child comfortable. With you working, this is a great bonding time. You are both relaxed and close.
I have always felt that crying is good for children. We get mad and we express ourselves. They need to also. When you know there is nothing physically wrong (diaper, food, pains) then let them fuss. You know your child better than anybody. There is a lot of advice and OPINIONS. It sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job. Keep it up.

All of my kids were co-sleepers. It makes nursing so much easier. I have recently gotten the baby into his crib most of the time. He will be two this month. I had to let him cry it out. I explained big boys sleep in cribs. I stayed with him and would hug him but not take him out of the crib. It took 40 minutes the first night and progressively less. The main reason I moved him to his crib was so my husband could sleep better. The baby was a wiggly sleeper and kept digging his feet under us.

As for nursing. I nursed my oldest 16 months, the second 20 months (she would have nursed forever if I let her), and the baby 12 months. I stopped him at a year because he was nursing throughout the night. I needed better sleep and it was affecting his teeth.

We are still co-sleeping with our three children. Our arrangement is a little like the ones you may have heard about from Asian traditions - a queen sized futon pushed right next to a twin futon, so our bedroom looks like one big mattress! LOL! I am still night nursing our 2.5 yo, as a side note. We are planning on transitioning all three into their own room, thinking that then they will still be hearing all the "sleep sounds" and it will help them stay asleep (like a white noise machine).

I just wanted to say, I love that you are getting so many responses, and from both sides of your question. Thanks for being so honest, ladies! I'll be checking back to see what else comes up in this discussion!

As so many other mother's have said, if it works for you, go with your instincts. I personally have seen too many posts and known too many people that have toddlers that can't transition to sleeping on their own once they have co-slept for so long. I think it CAN produce issues down the road, but every child is different. My daughter slept with my husband and I occasionally (it REALLY made it nice for nursing), but I put her in her own room in a crib when she was four months old (she had slept beside me in a bassinet before) and I have to say, it was really nice to have just the two of us again. Then again, I'm a SAHM and get to see her all day.
A child over one year of age should be able to sleep through the night no problem. If your child is still nursing at night, she is doing it out of habit, not need. I know it seems to mothers that they REALLY NEED IT if they're crying and waking up, but babies are creatures of habit like we are and will think they need it just because they always have.
Crying it out never hurt a child. A child learns very early whether or not they can manipulate their parents that way and will use it. If my daughter is crying longer than 15 minutes I'll go in and sing to her, talk to her, give her a cup of water, whatever, but she knows that bedtime is bedtime and she needs to go to sleep (I even walked in once when she had been crying and realized AFTER I walked in that she was almost asleep and I ended up waking her up!). I honestly think that parents do more damage to their children when they excessively placate them because they can't let them cry. My daughter will usually get a little distraught when I leave the room, but her crying will literally last about ten seconds before she stops. It helps that I keep a stack of books and a couple stuffed animals in her crib.
You've gotten a lot of varied responses. This is just what worked for us. When it comes right down to it, you need to decide what works best for you and your family.
Good luck!