Sister in Law Issues

She doesn't want a relationship. She wants an enabler. You do not need the strife and drama this lady drags around with her. I wouldn't even try sending her a Christmas card to her once a year. Just break off all contact and don't worry about it. Life is too short for this nonsense.

sounds like my sister, who I had to become estranged from inorder to keep my mental health intact.

Good Luck

Hi L.,
Well it sounds to me like you SIL interpreted your response to her olive branch as having conditions. People tend not to like that! LOL
She sounds llike a miserable needy person and I'm sure you wouldn't choose to have her as a friend in a perfect world. BUT she IS you SIL and I would suggest a few things. Keep in mind that since she IS you hubby's sis, like it or not, you WILL have to deal with her over your lives. (I have issues with some of my in-laws as well, although they are not as extreme as this!)
Be polite
Be respectful
Call it like you see it.
Don't allow her to manipulate you.
Always take the high road.
If you do those things, truth speaks for itself and you will never question you actions and/or how you have responded to her/handled a situation.
Good luck!

Your SIL sounds a lot like my sister, who has mental health issues. Let her be who she is (there's really nothing you can do to change her anyway). You be who you are, and if that includes personal/emotional growth, all the better.

You may be able to do little more than have a polite relationship with your SIL. If you can manage that much, all the gossip issues will gradually settle. Good luck.

Why would you and your husband want this toxic person in your life? Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to let them in your inner circle. As the old saying goes: Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me.

At this point I would cut of all contact with her. As far as the rest of the family is concerned I'm sure the truth will come out. They will figure out that she's a nut and if they don't well that's not you problem it's theirs .

You don't. My husbands sister is like this and he just see's her at family functions and we all here the strange things that happened to her this week. Our responses are usually "oh, wow" and that's it. We just let her talk and tell her stories and we are polite, but don't go out of our way to initiate a real conversation with her. Some people just don't live in reality, and there's nothing you can do about it. I don't think the fact that you are a christian, has anything to do with this. She is a nut...nuts are dangerous!

The only thing you can control in this situation is how you respond to her. You obviously will never be close, but just handle her with grace. You have bravely gone to her and told her of the issues you have, and she obviously does not want to mend fences. Love her because she is your husband's sister. You do not have to trust her, loan her money or even like her. Just be the gracious one and let it blow over. Her family knows what she is like, and so does your husband. I know it is hard, but hand it over to God. A good book that has helped me out a ton with family issues is called "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. It is about how to turn over the things and people in your life to God, who have hurt you. I went through a very bad time with family and was on the verge of suicide with it, I couldn't sleep in months, and I ordered the book by mistake and almost didn't read it. It was really a God thing! After I read it, I placed all my garbage in God's hands, and He worked it out for me.
God Bless!

She sounds very childish and jealous of your marriage! I'am asuming that she isnt married and has trouble with men by the way you make her sound. she has 3 kids and no man to be there with her and you have just that. It sounds like a happy one at that! I dont think it would be possible for you guys to have a decent relationship. She truns everything around so that your husbands family hates you and thinks your picking on her and takes her side. Dont let her play these games with you. Sounds like she will take everything and run with it and that can cause 1 of 2 things, you leave your husband becase it got that bad or you and your husband never talk to his family again and he might even recent you for that.! I will say, she sounds depressed or actually might have some sort of mental issues.

So what i would do if i were you. I would not email her anymore or talk to her till you get the chance to see her in person. Also dont bad mouth her or even talk about her to anyone. That shows your not worried about somthing so childish, you'll come off as a bigger and better person. This will also make her mad, she'll be asking anyone if you talk about her. When you see her in person pull her a side and talk to her, but still around people so they can see you guys, but not exactly hear you guys talk. If she starts to get crazy they will see this and will see you being clam and she'll look like a total fool. Make it known that your not coming to her to argue. Then just address your issues with her again. If she doesnt want to talk to you obviously she knows she is wrong and doesnt want people to see that. So after this (her not wanting to talk in public) then write an email about how you feel about what shes done and how you feel about her. Tell her that your not going any where and you plan on being in her family for as long as GOD! likes you to be. So it doesnt matter what she does it will not shake you and get you to leave just beacuse she doesnt like you. You dont need her approval, your not married to her or her parents they dont have to like you, your husband is the one that obviously already approves of you and loves you. You'll never be able to have that great, stronge, sisterly bond with her. Keep it casual dont bother with her unless you have to. She sounds like the type that will try and get close to you and be buddy buddy just to know your buisness so she can tell everyone when your not around. If she seems like she has change thats a good thing in a way, just dont get to close and tell her things about yourself or your marriage, basicaly your life. Try to keep subjects off you and her personal life. Therefore she cant use it against you. I know what your going threw been there before with a B.I.L's girlfriend. Good luck to you hope that your issues with her get resolved.

Sounds like your SIL is mentally ill and sadly there is nothing that you can do until she seeks help.

I won't go as far as saying she is mentally ill - in all honesty there are so many people walking around that we all know who are battling with depression/anxiety, I don't think it's fair to put that label on your sister-in-law.

That being said, there were a few things that stood out to me from your message.

The first: that the communication took place via e-mail instead of in person. It's easy, we're all busy, and it can be sent quickly without having to arrange a time to meet. But, it is so easy to misconstrue an e-mail's intended meaning. Perhaps this is the case from her point of view which is much different from yours. Perception can be someone's reality - if your intentions were great, she may not have perceived them as such.

She sounds like she always needs to play the victim. My mom is like this, and I have a hard time being around her for extended periods of time. She makes excuses for everything and accepts responsibility for nothing.

For the sake of the family, I'd try to have a decent (albeit mostly superficial) relationship with her. I'd not recommend any more loans or financial/emotional bail outs. You've learned that lesson the hard way.

But for the sake of the kids (who need a positive influence), your husband, his parents and your own sanity, having general pleasantries and occasional contact is manageable. That's what I have to do with my family to keep the peace.

Good luck! I hope we've all been helpful.

Well she has mental issues. Mentally ill.

You cannot fix her... she WILL twist anything and everything around, making it awful. No matter what.

A "relationship" with someone like this, is not possible. Because they do NOT have the ability to rationally understand "normal" behaviors or relationships, nor own up to any wrong doing they are committing.

Thus, you have to, detach yourself... and realize, that when you are dealing with her, you/Hubby are dealing with a mentally warped person.... who is not dealing with normal cognizance.

If you continue to take it personally, and try to have a relationship with her, making her "normal" it will not work... and it will cause MUCH strain and problems and burdens upon you too, mentally and emotionally. People like your SIL, have a way of dragging down others, and making THEM mentally strained too.

So, you have a choice. To try and fix her and have a relationship with her or not.
Neither is easy... since SIL has involved the entire family and poisons them, too.
She is Toxic... and toxic people will make others poisoned too.

My friend, has a MIL like that. After years of trying to have a relationship with her and getting along for "family" sake... she and her Husband "disowned" her. Only then, have they been able to have a normal life... without being poisoned by her MIL. Her MIL caused sooooooo many problems... and is pretty much mentally ill and mean and just NOT able to change. They are much happier now. Her MIL.... not even her neighbors or Husband like her. Everyone just put up with her... because they didnt' want "problems" from her... so they just gave in. And even if they gave in and catered to her... it was NEVER enough. She would always conjure up more problems or faults, or criticisms, or issues. Imagined or not. But it was never "her" fault... it was always my friend's fault... being the Daughter-in-law... and her Husband (MIL's son).

People like this, will not stop. So know that.
Unless a professional Therapist is seen, by your SIL.... she will not change. Or... she will continue to cause you/Hubby problems... and then YOU and Hubby will need to see a Therapist, because of her and the stress/hardship/problems/marital problems, she causes you and your nuclear family.

Either EVERYONE in the family (yours and your Husband's) STOP putting up with her and puts her in her place.... or, it will not work, and she will continue her vendettas. Because if only you/Hubby try to change her or "Correct" her... it will not work.... because she will just infect the other family members and make up stories about you, still. So, unless EVERYONE stops her and refuses to put up with her... the toxic person, will still be "able" to continue their menacing, upon you.

All the best,
Susan

you just move on with living your life and don't stope to her level. My sil and myself are totally opposite of each other and I just have to ignore the way they act for instance I saw her this weekend at a family event and I didn't talk to them the only thing that bothers me is that they really have nothing to do with our kids and we just live down the street from them.

You can't...let her know what you will and won't tolerate, and you only need to deal with her during family functions. The headache is not worth it. She is an adult with a child's mind and you can't do anything about that.

Take care of home, and make sure that your marriage stays strong...you married him, not her1

toxic. do you have children? there's your answer. this sounds just like a member of my family, who did something really hateful, then basically told us we could either support her unconditionally or go to H***. amongst several other huge confrontations during which she got in my mother's face, told her she hated her guts, etc etc etc...she is bipolar and no one really knows whether she takes her meds or not because she has alienated the entire family. i'm guessing not. regardless, you can't be both people in a relationship, and when someone is this toxic to you and your family, you have no obligation to have anything to do with them. as a christian you can try not to pass judgement, keep an open mind and love her as another of god's children - but that is it. you don't have to talk to her, you don't have to see her, and you SURE don't have to expose your children to her. that's not unchristlike. that's common sense. she is dangerous to your children if only in that she will undoubtedly at some point say something nasty to or about them. take care of your family. get rid of the trash. sorry if that's harsh. i have zero patience for this kind of hatefulness in my life.

toxic. do you have children? there's your answer. this sounds just like a member of my family, who did something really hateful, then basically told us we could either support her unconditionally or go to H***. amongst several other huge confrontations during which she got in my mother's face, told her she hated her guts, etc etc etc...she is bipolar and no one really knows whether she takes her meds or not because she has alienated the entire family. i'm guessing not. regardless, you can't be both people in a relationship, and when someone is this toxic to you and your family, you have no obligation to have anything to do with them. as a christian you can try not to pass judgement, keep an open mind and love her as another of god's children - but that is it. you don't have to talk to her, you don't have to see her, and you SURE don't have to expose your children to her. that's not unchristlike. that's common sense. she is dangerous to your children if only in that she will undoubtedly at some point say something nasty to or about them. take care of your family. get rid of the trash. sorry if that's harsh. i have zero patience for this kind of hatefulness in my life.