Single Mother Needs Dating Help

Wait to introduce them. You may have to kiss a few toads before you get to prince charming. My kids were older and they remember a lot more than I would like admit about my "dating years". And now I have friend who is going through the same thing and her son made a wise crack to her new boyfriend about the last boyfriend. He is nine with a big mouth, but still. How embarrasing is that? If I had it to do over again, I would wait til you know and yes to the "my friend" in the beginning.question.Good luck

Uggh - this is what I liked LEAST until my BF and I became exclusive. We have been together 2 1/2 years and sometimes I STILL don't know what to do about stuff that comes up.

I can tell you that in the 5 years I have been divorced I have been on dates with probably 10 guys and my daughter has only met 1 of them. One guy was a repeat date (8 or so dates over 3 or so months) who I did not have meet my daughter.

For the first year after my divorce I didn't date at all. I then did an internet profile and went on a couple dates. I set them up as "meeting for drinks" and met dates either after work (had someone else pick up my daughter) or at 9:30pm on Wed (after she was in bed and my mom stayed with her). She was 6-7 at the time and she was told I "had a meeting" or was "meeting a friend". There weren't many - I would say 5 or 6 within that first year.

I was up front with the fact that these were the times that I was available to meet the guy because I had a child. That will weed out the guys up front who aren't interested in working around your crazy schedule (which is SUPER IMPORTANT).

For the repeat dater that my daughter did NOT meet, we actually had this conversation:
I was getting ready to go out on a Sat night and my daughter asked where I was going. I said "to see a movie" and she said "with me?" and I said "nope. You are hangin’ with g'ma. I'm going with ‘xyz’. A few more dates and she said "Do I get to meet him?" I said "maybe. Do I get to meet every friend you have at school? or just the friends you decide you like enough to bring home for a playdate?" She said "meeting all my friends at school would take too much time. You can just meet the ones I really like".

As far as the initial meeting I agree you have to walk the tightrope between too soon and not soon enough. However, even without meeting them you will get a sense of what type of guy you are dealing with as “things come up” with your girls. Does he listen and have input when you are excited/upset b’cuz of something they did (he should)? Do you talk about them TOO much (you shouldn’t)? Is he sympathetic if there’s an issue like illness etc (he should be)?

I think dating when you are a single mom is a COMPLETELY different experience than dating when you are without kids. You have to be more logical. I didn't date for datings sake or for fun. I asked myself "is this someone with whom I would leave my daughter alone?" If the answer was NO right up front (for whatever reason) then I was done. But if the answer was "he seems like an allright guy. he's given me examples of how he makes good decisions" then I might go for a 2nd date, or at least stay for a 2nd drink. Unfortunately, most of the time it was one drink.

I also think you should NOT have too many rules about dating. Because it is very situational and it really does just depend. I just tried to always keep the perception that my role is to protect my daughter and model good decisions. I want her to see what a healthy boy/girl relationship is, because that is how she will know. I want her to see how a man should hug a woman because then she will know.

If you want to know more about how I handled specific situations as my relationship progressed I'm happy to expand. Just didn't want to bore the mama's!

Good Luck!

Here is another area without "rules". I am a divorced mother, too, and have several friends who are or have been divorced/single. Sometimes, meeting right away works - for instance, one of my friends met her current husband at a gathering of friends and their families, so her daughters met "the guy" the same evening she did and they started having family outings from the very beginning. In other situations, months may need to pass before a meeting happens.

I absolutely tell a man that I have a daughter before we even "date", as she is an important part of who I am, but I've found it can take several months to really know a man, and know if he's someone I'm going to be with longer term. Until this, I don't see a reason to introduce him to my daughter (she's 8 now). She's only met one "boyfriend" (current) and only briefly met him twice.

Where my situation is different from your is that her father is an active co-parent and she's with him 1/2 time. This gives me free nights to date without this involving her at all. Also, I have no intention of marrying again, having been a stepparent for 24 years and a parent for 8, I'm not thinking of "blending a family" again. So dating is for my enjoyment, not for deciding on a husband/stepfather.

When is it appropriate to "sleep over" is also very situational, in my opinion. In my 20s, I slept over often and then moved in with the man who eventually became my husband, and his two young children. We believed from the befinning it was a long-term relationship (24+ years!). Now in my late 40s, I have not had and am unlikely to have a man sleep over when my daughter is home. Partly because I have plenty of free nights for this, and partly because I have a greater understanding of the complexity of emotions that children have about their parents' relationships.

I do believe modeling a healthy relationship is important for kids. I am doing my best to do this with her father. Even though divorced, we are both intent on showing her a respectful, caring relationship.

I have asked myself the same questions. I'm newly single and my son is 8 and has an active relationship with his father. You will get so many different answers. I've actually been told not to date until my son is out of the house. The rate I'm going that might happen. LOL But when I meet the person that I feel comfy with, I will probably slowing introduce him to my son and see how they react together. There is no sense in letting your kiddos meet him right up front because what if you end up no liking him. I know your girls are young but you don't want them to see you with everyone. You will weed them out and take home the good one. For my son, anytime I hug some one he ask "is that your boyfriend". Kids they are hilarious.
Good luck in finding the one you like that likes you for you and your girls.

The best advice I have ever heard to protect your daughters and yourself was to not have any man in your life until they are up and out of the house. Go out with your girlfriends, hang out with groups of people, but devote all of your time to your precious girls. My mom made that sacrifice for us when we were growing up. After I was in college, she married a wonderful man whose kids were also grown. (Saved a lot of complex issues all the way around.) Make sure your girls have healthy role models for men who have committed marriages (uncles, grandpas, etc.) And why would you sleep with a guy who you are not married to? Teach your daughters that real men (not overgrown little boys) don't treat women that way. Also teach them that they should demand respect from a guy - it's the best way to find the ones that will be good husbands. A guy who has self-control with his pants is more likely to be self-controlled with all aspects of his life. I found one and, praise God, so did my daughter.

Wait it out till it becomes very serious. Kids are smart & if you say he's just a friend they will figure it out. It takes time to get to know someone so YOU get to know him first before you let the girls meet him. You obviously have been in a relationship that was not healthy (your daughters father) so look at all the clues that you either intentionally or blindedly missed & protect yourself so if you don't let your girls meet him so soon then you won't have to protect them too. Just as it can be devastating to a grown woman to have a break up with a man it is the same devastation for a child when the mom & BF break up, it hurts. So I vote no contact till you & new guy become very committed & are dating with the intentions of pursuing marriage in the future.

Here is my opinion on dating and single moms. It may not be popular, but I truly feel it is best for the kids.
I would not introduce your girls to any man until you know it is a "serious" potential-marriage type relationship. Minimum 6 mos of dating. They don't need more men leaving their lives.
While you're dating--get a sitter. Date as often as you like and can arrange child care.
You can stay over and he can stay over just never in front of your girls.
Make sure you have an overnight sitter if you stay there and send your girls to the sitter's overnight if he stays with you.
As for the how will you know if you're sure unless you see him with your kids concern--don't let that worry you. Of a man knows you are a package deal and falls in love with you, he will love your kids and your kids will love him if he loves their mom and treats her well. Read: Don't live together until you're married. You're setting an example for these two young ladies, after all!

What people mean by being sure is that you really like him. You need to figure out if he is even worth your time. I would wait at least six months of seeing him several times in those months before thinking of bringing him home. You dont want to bring him home to your daughters after the third date. Your still in the getting to know some one stage. I think your gut on limiting contact to once in a while after that is good. By a years time you know if its serious enough to have him included at holidays and be a part of the family. Its great your not going to bring guys over all the time but try to keep your kids as balanced as possible. It sounds like your doing a great job. Taking time for yourself but thinking about your kids in the process. Hope you find a good one :)

I'm going to look at your situation as if it were me and tell you what I would want for my kiddos. I'm no expert!

I would definately introduce your girls to the "new guy" right away. They are the biggest part of you and could potentially be the biggest part of him. If your girls feel like you are hiding him they may think there is a reason not to like him. You also want to see how comfortable he is with your girls. And if he's not comfortable at first you want to make sure he is open to learning.

As far as how to handle your relationship with your "new guy" around your girls. I would think you would want to show affection and love. You want your girls to see you having a healthy relationship. Not one full of secrets. My husband and I kiss, hug, laugh, joke in front of our girls. The only way they will know what a good healthy relationship is, is if you show it. I personally (due to beliefs) wouldn't let him sleep over until/if you all got married. Again, I don't want my girls or son sleeping with any one till marriage, why would I show them it's okay. If you feel it's okay, go for it. But don't make it a sneaky thing. Even three year olds know sneaky things are bad!

You deserve a partner and your girls deserve to see you with a partner. Just make sure you go into a relationship knowing your expectations and boundries.Talk to the guy openly from the begining and ask him to do the same.

Just sending you good luck and good vibes. I think *purely* by the fact that you're trying to figure out how to date responsibly means that (by and large) you will, because you're already putting your girls first in your mind and heart. Kudos.

I have been a single mom since my son was 3 weeks old. He is now 8 and I also have 2 year old but soon found myself single again shortly after she was born. I have to admit I really didnt start dating until my son was about 4 years old. After that I did introduce him to boyfriends, and I must admit that I should have waited at least 3 or so months before I did, you really need to build your relationship with the man first to know for sure that there will be a future. Then you have to introduce the man to your kids, you will see right away how things will work out, between him and your kids and of course that is important. My suggesstion would be for the first introduction to be at a place your girls feel comfortable like a pizza place that have games etc. then if the guy you are dating shows interest in helping them out with some games then you can see the interaction you can see how your girls will react to him and vice versa. Thats how I have handled first introductions. With being a single mom I know you dont have much opportunity to go out and have a baby sitter every weekend so if your girls go to be bed early (mine are in bed by 8pm) then invite the guy over have a few hours with him but then he leaves, it will give alot more opportunity to get to know him better without always having to find a babysitter.

I hope I brought some light into your question if you would like to chat some more just send me a message. Good luck to you, but beware the dating world is awful. LOL it is so hard I am still trying myself no luck in that department for me so far.

I say wait to introduce them until you have a better idea of whether or not you are compatible or not. You're not going to know that after dating a person for a short period of time. If you have introduced them too soon and things don't work out, your girls will know nothing about good relationships. All they will see is that men leave. Call me old-fashioned, but if it were me I would not have a man spend the night at my house. If you model that kind of choice in front of your girls, then you send the message to them that they too can one day shack up with a man out of wedlock. A real man will understand and respect you for making this choice.

Personally, your children are the most precious gift that God has given you. Yes, it is wonderful to have someone in your life. But you run a risk, we all do when you meet someone. No, don't bring an individual into the family situation, until you get to know the person. He has to respect you, respect your values, respect your family. He has to understand that your first love is your children. That when you come, eventually it is a packaged deal and that you will determine, when and if he will be apart of your children's lives. He needs to know that you need a relationship that is respectful, loving and a family oriented one. Once you set your grounds, yes this might run some off, but the best is yet to come. No you don't want to introduce and expose your daughters definitely to various male friends. Wait, watch, pray and have patience. I don't know if there is a parents group to join to mix and mingle, not sure if this would be an outlet for you. No, you should not introduce various individuals to your daughters. It is a long ride, down this road, but it is worth it. If the man stands the duration, he will along the way be asking to meet your precious children or will express interest in doing family things. Depending on his age, he possibly has children and then there is some trust or safety there. He will possibly consider doing things with your children and his. Think, take time be selective and careful. If this man is "The One," you will know. No, don't have him spending the night at your home, what are you saying to your children? Believe me, they will grow up with some of your values and things that they see you doing, believe me! And then there will not be a thing that you can say! Be careful with how you display or introduce this person. If you feel he is going to be there and has been, you can introduce as your friend. Then see where it is going from there. Picnics, ball games family events or even suggestions of family events, you will know where you stand in this relationship. Get a babysitter that you can trust and know to keep your children and go out, but remember he will respect you if you demand respect for your and your children. HSP