Dating Red Flag or Am I Just Being Judgemental?

I met my DH's kids as a friend because we were friends before we dated. While I think it's best to wait, I'm also wondering how it went down. For example, did they all go to a zoo or park? Was there a schedule change?

If I were her, though, I'd tread carefully. I hope he's not the type to be looking for a "new mom" and hoping to pass his responsibilities.

My SD wanted me to stay for a sleepover, too. It was just a kid thing, and she envisioned eating popcorn and staying up too late. Sounds like the kid liked her. I wouldn't read too much into it.

If this were my friend, I wouldn't say much other than, "Wow, that was fast." See what happens. You say she's awesome and has her stuff together. Give her a chance here, too.

I can say as a single mom with 3 kids that when I am ready to start dating someone I will want them to meet my kids right away. That way everyone has a chance to meet and see if they like each other before any feelings between me and the other person develop.
The little boy could've just said he wanted a sleepover because thats what little kids do. They say what is on their mind and you never know what you are going to get once they open their mouths.

BTW-I would NOT be doing any touchy, feely, sleepovers or relationship type stuff when my kids would first meet someone I would be interested in. It would just be like them hanging out with any of my other friends. Just to make that clear about myself.

This is a really broad sweeping generalization, but I think single moms that are dating are naturally more cautious and protective of their kids than many single dads would be. A mom may always worry (at least initially) about a man's intentions, especially when there is children involved. I know as the mom of a 4 year old daughter, I certainly would be. A dad probably just assumes that his lady friend will be fine around his kids. Remember too that a kid saying he wants his dad's friend to stay for a "sleepover" doesn't mean the same thing to a kid as it would mean to an adult. He's probably thinking it's like a party with eating popcorn and ice cream and watching movies and then having pancakes in the morning.

My husband had been married before and his sons were 5 and 6 when we met and started dating. He almost wanted to introduce me to them right away, probably because he was really serious about his feelings for me and was already thinking of me as potential marriage material. I did meet them for the first time after only a few weeks - we went to a carnival all together and had a great time. He had not introduced any other women he had dated previously to them before that. I know for many people that might seem way too soon, but it still worked out. We got married 4 years after we met and it will be 8 years this June. Their mom on the other hand had her first loser boyfriend move in with them after only a couple of months and all we heard about was how he was going to be their new daddy, they were going to have a baby, etc. - it was probably pretty confusing for them and fortunately it didn't last.

You are entitled to your opinion, but you can also try to trust your friend to be able to make sound decisions for herself. I think it's too soon to judge either way and only time will tell. I would probably only say something if you start noticing other things that get you concerned.

ETA - @Dad on Purpose - Is it really immoral to get divorced? IT HAPPENS! Who is to say he is the one who wanted out? How is it that he runs from relationships at the drop of a hat? Where did you get that from in this post? My husband did not want out of his first marriage - his ex-wife did. But then would that mean there was something wrong with him for her to not want to be married any longer to him? Being divorced doesn't make you "damaged goods!" How is him wanting to introduce his kids to her a reason to call CPS?

How soon someone meets the kids has nothing to do with sleepovers. It sounds to me like the kid really likes her and wants to spend more time with them.

Doesn't sound like a red flag at all.

Think about it this way, what would your kid mean if they asked one of your friends to sleep over?

Whoa wait, back up the bus! Sleepover is some lame excuse parents give when they have guests spend the night when their kids are home? Seriously? Are they so freaking horny they can't wait till their kids are at the other parents house? I consider myself the owner of a pretty dirty mind and that was the last thing that came to mind. :(

well everyone is different how they view their bedroom life. less than desirable parents, would of course, bring all there conquests to their family home in front of their children. I for one, if in that situation. Would not bring anyone over, or sleep with them in my house for QUITE awhile. It would have to be dang serious for that to happen with me. Others dont find it an issue. I think for one, it shows children that relationships are not taken seriously and interchanging partners on a regular basis is fine. NOT exactly the message we should be showing to kids in this day and age.

The little boy wanted a sleepover. He probably also wants a monkey and twelve ice-cream cones--doesn't mean he should get them...

I met my husband's little brothers (young enough to be his kids) before he met my daughters... I know it's not EXACTLY the same, but it still kind of is.

Dude's just don't think the way us mama bear's do.

I totally see where your thought process is on the sleepover thing...

Did she WANT to meet his kids? Like was she the one who came up with the idea? Also, lots of single parents now don't always have the option of finding a sitter. I think it speaks well in his favor that he wasn't willing to give up his time with the kids OR give up time spent with her. He could have blown her off because he had the kids, you know? But instead, he wanted everyone to hang out.

I see that as more of a positive, seeing as guys just don't think to 'hide' the kids like single mom's do until they know things are serious.

So yeah... I'd keep my eyes and ears peeled, but if that's the worse this guy has done, I don't see it as a bad thing ;)

Molly:

You are being a protective friend!! tell her how you feel! tell her your opinion. She might not like it - but it will give her something to mull over.

I personally wouldn't introduce my kids to anyone I'm dating until it's been going on a while - 6 months or more. But that's ME. I wouldn't do a sleep over either - but again - that's ME. That's not the morals I want to set for my kids.

Please do keep an eye on him!! Protect your friend!!! YOU GO GIRL!!

My friends/aquainteces who are *responsible* single dating parents fall into 1 of 2 camps.

- Those that wait until 6mo to engagement to meet the kids

- Those that aren't going to waste their time on someone who doesn't get on with their kids

Both camps have valid arguments for and against.

In my observation it REALLY depends on how the parents handle the situation, and there's no "stock" right answer.

Yes, disturbing. Shows bad judgment. They need to take the time to get to know each other - a looooonnnnnggggggggg time - and make sure it's serious before introducing the kids. Single parents need to date in private. Mom or dad's private life is not a family affair for the kids to be dragged into, wondering how long the boyfriend/girlfriend of the month or year will stay in the picture before losing yet another adult with whom they may have formed a bond. I wish people would take this seriously. Kids shouldn't be introduced until a couple has been together 6 to 12 months or more. It doesn't mean it has to be a big secret that mom or dad is dating, but kids shouldn't have their hopes raised and hearts broken again and again and again. They get cold and tough when that happens.

Tell your friend to tell this guy that he needs to protect his kids more and date when he's not on daddy time.

For the record, my husband a I did do things a bit backwards because we were colleagues first, then hung out with our kids with other friends from work, then would do play dates with our two kids, who were "best friends" from the start. He was in a relationship when we met and I wasn't ready to date. After we knew each other for a year (and our kids had been hanging out for months), we realized there was a spark and started dating. But at that point, I already knew that we had a lot in common and that he was marriage material - if our kids hadn't been friends before we started dating, I would not have introduced them until I was certain that we were considering getting married.

Well, she agreed to go, she could have declined..

I think it totally depends on the children and what they can handle.

As parents you know you just do your best. You would never do anything to hurt your children on purpose.. But sometimes we make mistakes..

I am a child of divorce and I met a lot of the men my mother dated (none slept over) and a lot of my dads female friends (never spent the night over).

At least they never slept over while we were home.

That worked for us. We knew these people were just "friends". We had friends, so that is what we felt their relationship was.. Just friends.

My only thing was my father for a while ALWAYS had a woman with him when we would visit. I finally had to ask my mom to mention to him, we just wanted to spend some alone time with him every once in a while, since we only saw him once a week.

I agree that it seems a little premature. BUT coming from a young child, it may not be what it could so easily look like. Without knowing more about the guy and his practices it's hard to know whether to be concerned or not.
I also agree that, as a friend, you want to 'keep an eye on things'. Sometimes the most savvy adult can be blindsided. Glad to see you are a caring friend.

Well - did he introduce her to the kids as 'hey, this is your new mommy' or 'kids, this is my friend Susan'? Kind of makes a difference. My son meets lots of new people - he is used to meeting our adult friends. And he is not traumatized if he does not see them again. And it really is none of our business (or really yours unless she asks you) whether she is sleeping with him.

Do the kids think she is a "girlfriend" or just a "friend" because both can have sleepovers...

if it's a girlfriend then it's to soon to get the kids involved

just my 2 cents

Definite red flag.

I dated a single dad for months before I met his daughter - and then it was at a park. There were NEVER any sleepovers.

Turn and run.

I think she's being careless, and I think HE is being careless with his children's emotions. If they DID have a "sleepover" she is being careless with her own body. And really, why would she WANT to be that easy? He's not going to have an ounce of respect for someone who will "sleepover" after 3 dates, and he shouldn't. Obviously, I think she's being shortsighted and handling this situation all wrong.

To me I think it depends on how old the kids are and HOW she was introduced....like no big deal, he's a casual friend of mine... or here is my new girlfriend, maybe your new mommy someday!

And actually, I would want to know WHY your friend is dating a man with kids. Especially since she doesn't have any of her own. Not that the kids are baggage, but if his ex is anything like the rest of our ex's are (meaning they turn into the Kracken as soon as their ex is happy and with someone else), then it just isn't WORTH it and would be better finding someone without kids. Its a little easier to be in a relationship with someone with kids when you have kids yourself. Anyway, JMO.

Do you know his side of the story? Does he have the kids 99.9% of the time, if he does its hard to get time away from them so maybe introducing the kids is the only time they get to see eachother. Its not like he's saying heres your new mom, its a friend who they want to hang out. I have a friend who would get zero dating time or if at best once a month and what kind of relationship is going to blossom off of a once a month date? I do think it may be soon but if he's easy going the kids are easy going i dont see a problem. Keep an eye on him, you might just be wrong.

I was gonna say exactly what Riley said!

Nope, you do not meet the kids that soon - nope you do not meet the kids that soon. I have seen what meeting too soon does to the kids and it creates a sense of insecurity and competition. My niece and nephew's father (BIL) is a chronic dater, treats women like a revolving door and has no issues talking about it to his kids (11-13-16 boy- boy-girl) and blasting it all over facebook. Honestly, it is best to wait until you are ready to be serious with the person, not date 3!

Unless the man is a widower, she needs to run-not-walk from a relationship with this guy. You're not being judgmental at all. Red flags, flashing sirens, guy waving yellow landing lights.