Single Moms in Relationships with Non-biological "Father"

Hello A.: I just wanted to give you my 2cents worth of thought.
I am the mother of 5 children 4birth 1 a foster child that just never left home. I am a recent widow after nearly 40 years with my husband. We had many distant times, much change with the years and seasons of our lives, the Stars and Fireworks were not always there. But I have to say would I change anything if I could? yes, a few things but I wouldn't take the chance that some mysterious person was going o come into my life and keep the glow there foreverI absolutly adored my husband and even hated him at times but we were a incredable teameffort.. All relationships take hard work and daily amounts of love,compassion, and forgiveness. These are the times when it is easy to walk away instead of digging in and making things work. For your child's sake to tear her world apart just becasue you may have lost that "feeling" what ever that means to you- is sad. Your daughter deserves to have 2 parenets that can give her security and comfort from the pressures that the outside world imposses on children today. Having raised many foster children and having several still apart of my life we are proof that one does not have to give birth to a child to love and cherish a child. I know that once when I thought about leaving becasue I wanted an adventure I talked to a wise friend that was about 80, She told me to make my relationship an adventure and plant it like a garden with beauty and love. So go and enjoy what you have and you might see that it is all feelings on your part he doesn't see how it has changed at all, Guys are like that at times--- but if he was gone you might be alarmed at how much you would miss him.
Good Luck, in your quest forh appiness.

Your poor daughter. If you leave, you sound like you certainly don't have time (nor should make time) to date. So if your goal is to date someone so that you would encourage your daughter to set higher standards, you simply don't have the time (per your post). Good luck, it's a difficult place to be in. T.

All of your feelings are very familiar to me.Let me try to understand how you may feel without any judgment. 1) You met him in a time of change for your life, you weren't really looking for a relationship but he felt too good to let him go, so you decided to live the experience.2) Along the way, he helped you immensely with his closeness to you and your child, he gave you both some emotional stability.3) Along the way you started to resent the differences you stated in your post, maybe you even felt like he was sometimes more a problem than a solution.4) He does make you feel good, though, you feel like you love him.Well...my take on the whole situation is that he may have come too soon in your life (you still needed time to shake off the previous relationsip with the dad of your child), you obviously appreciate his help/support/love/presence BUT you can hardly stand the differences that give you the certainty he is NOT a good partner for you. Since your first family crumbled (not your fault by the way) it is normal and auspicable that the time you decide to have another one IT MUST FEEL PERFECT to you. And if this man doesn't, sooner or later you'll be faced again with some painful decision-making. I am not telling you to jump out, but if you can give yourself more time. I think our gut knows better than our head and heart. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't and time will show you why. We don't have all the answers when we need them...unfortunately. Good luck!

Dear A.,
If you're not happy, then move on. If you don't have time or energy to devote to a relationship, then you know what your answer is, especially if his long term goals involve things you don't want your daughter to grow up around.
It won't be easy. He's been "daddy" for half of your daughter's life. There doesn't seem to be a reason he can't still have a relationship with her.
You're not married, you don't intend to marry him, it seems to me you really need to have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. Is this a "relationship" or a "living arrangement"?
Your education, your parenting of your daughter, those are things you ultimately have control over. If you don't feel in love with him, compromising anything will be twice as hard and make you twice as resentful. If you don't resent him, you'll resent yourself for not making your choices sooner. It won't get any easier the longer time goes on. I'm not saying you're doing it, but staying with someone out of convenience can leave hurt feelings all around.
You married young, you got into this relationship. Before you think I'm being judgemental, they say women age like fine wine. We get better as we get older. Maybe you're coming into your own and recognizing your own goals and your own priorities and what direction you want to steer your life in. There is nothing wrong with that at all. But, if you can't have it both ways in the relationship you're in, you have to make a choice.
This may sound old fashioned, but it's actually sage advice.
Don't move in with another man or let one move in with you.
You have goals, priorities, a health problem, a daughter....
Focus on those things until you've achieved your goals.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.
You'll know when you're ready to get married and start a family with someone as opposed to not being sure two years down the road after living with someone.
Give yourself time. Don't get the cart before the horse.
I'm not saying that to be judgemental and it's not a morality thing.
I've been a single mother basically my son's entire life. My divorce was so brutal that my kids don't even know about 90% of the men I dated or people tried to fix me up with. My kids don't even need to concern themselves with any of that.
I'd love to be married again, but I'd rather have no man than the wrong man, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
And no, I won't "settle".
If you don't want your daughter "settling", then don't let her see you do it.
It won't be easy. But get a game plan and find a way to make it work.

Best wishes.

if it feels right to seperate then seperate, you are stronger than you know and if your parenting styles are different then doing it on your own will be easier than trying to compromise on EVERYTHING....part of you may feel like a failure (I know I did) but you just have to remind yourself that people grow and change and what you thought you had at the start isn't what you really have and the seperation will actually be better for you and your daughter........if you really aren't ready to call it quits then maybe try counseling to try to help you match your parenting styles and goals......good luck I know it is a hard way to go but it will be better for your daughter to know that you don't have to "settle" for someone because you don't thinkyou can do it on your own......also to ease the transition for your daughter maybe he could take her on a "date" once in a while and don't forget to explain that adults do thing that suck for the kids but that are necessary for everyones happiness in the long run.....hope you find your path to happiness

I think you need to really consider all involved here before youmake a rash decision. What if you were married to this man? It seems most issues you listed were ones that could be worked on together. Relationships, like parenting is hard work. Really think about it, do you really want him out of your and your daughters life? I'm not saying to stay with him because he's good to your daughter, but also don't leave because things seem like they could be better elsewhere. If you truly don't love him anymore, and can see long term in the future without him and feel good about it, make the move. But at the same time don't let a good thing go without really trying. Saying you "don't have the time" to work on it is kind of silly. This has been a long term relationship, ans he's part of your child's life. Again, relationships take work, time , energy. That's what usually makes it better in the long run. Really think before you end it. You may regret it if you don't!

It is my feeling that if things don't feel right, it is a red flag to change whatever isn't right. I also know it is scary to do it on your own after having a relationship with someone... but I think it's best that both of you are on the same page with regard to goals and parenting or there will be a lot of conflict in your relationship as there probably already is.

To me a partnership is both sides chip in, communicate and if one is out of sorts the other one takes over. Since this doesn't seem to be what is going on, perhaps it is time to move on, as difficult as it may be.

Your daughter and boyfriend can visit... perhaps you will still remain friends. I once lived with a man for about three years and my son got really close with him and was mad at me for moving out and on. They saw each other occasionally until he finally moved on out of our lives.

I wish you the best.

OK, I know this is long, but bear with me. You situation hit close to home, so I have some experience under my belt to share (non-judgmental, I promise.)
It is very difficult to cultivate a romantic relationship as a single mom, I know. I have 2 friends who are still single moms and I used to be one myself. If it wasn't for my parents helping out and my only working part time, I don't know how I would have ever been able to make my current relationship work even though we are very compatible and I love him and am "in love" with him. It's not impossible if everything is relatively smooth where it counts most and you both have patience, but it has to feel "right." When my current husband and I started out, we had an agreement to only stay in the relationship so long as it was serving us both and lucky for me (and him) 10 years later it still is :)

If you feel like you are "settling" then I wouldn't do it. If you feel like he is not "partnership" material, don't do it. It is possible he could be a friend to you and you daughter without being in a romantic relationship with him so you can move on. If you do move on, trust that you are strong enough to be able to handle whatever shows up and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
However, if you deeply love him and think it is possible that with counseling and time you two can meet each other's needs more fully, then surrender to love and give it another chance.

As far as your daughter is concerned, if you're not happy, then she won't be happy. (We have a half-joking saying in my house, "If mama ain't happy, then ain't nobody gonna be happy.) I tried that. I stayed in a relationship WAYYYY too long because I thought it was best for my children only to become angry, bitter, disempowered and jaded. A good friend of mine is finally divorced from someone who she stayed with for her kids (not the biological father) and she is now realizing she should have ended it long ago for herself and the kids' sake. So, personally, I don't believe in staying in a relationship ONLY for the child. It can be part of the reason one might stay, but that certainly shouldn't be the only reason. That is a huge burden to place on your daughter and on the relationship.

Trust that whatever decision you make will be the right one. What I have done in the past is imagine what it will be like in 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years into the future with one choice first, then the other. What will it be like for you and your daughter in the foreseeable future? Which choice will bring you and she more joy and emotional health after the transition is over? I would also be completely open and honest with my partner about what isn't working to see where he's at. I have been surprised at times to find my husband is much more open to change than I thought. Good luck!

Accept your feelings. Tell him. Be clear. Do you care for him? Do you still want a relationship with him, even if it is as a friend rather than a romantic partner? Do you have the energy for that? Do you value his relationship with your daughter independent of your relationship with him? All you can do is figure out what you want and be honest. Don't try to take care of everyone. Your responsibility is you and your daughter. It is his job to react whatever way he reacts. To make his own decisions. Let things play out as they play out.....with love and care, but integrity.

I recommend counseling, if not couples counseling, then just for yourself. Since you're a student, see what low cost/no cost options the school offers, most do. It is wrong to stay in the relationship just for your daughter's sake. As you note, she will base her future relationships on what she sees you do now. If she sees you putting up with someone who gives you grief and thinks housework is more important than education, she'll think that's normal and seek it out. Counselling will help you decide two things: 1) whether the problems in the relationship are fixable; and 2) if you do decide to break up, whether you should continue to let your daugther have a relationship with him. It sounds like he may be controlling. If you talk it out with a professional, you will get a better idea of what you want to do.