K.D. asks from Cary, NC on July 31, 2008
Single Mom, Issues with Daughters Father and Many Other Things
Well, where to start...I am a single mother and have been from the very beginning. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me a week before I found out I was pregnant. When I told him, he didn't believe me and hung up on me and refused to talk to me. I finally got in touch with him two months after our daughter was born and he met her a week after. I know that he loves her, but he hasn't shown me that she is a priority for him. Several months after meeting her, we made the mistake of having sex. I was still so in love with him and how could I not be; he is the father of my child. I loved him very much even before our daughter was born or conceived. We had a violent relationship and not much has changed. We were intimate for about 2 months when I found a used condom in his trash and confronted him about it, he lied. He was sleeping with someone else and started a new relationship with them. I knew he was lying about not sleeping around, but he still lied to me anyway. This was an issue even when we were together; women called him all hours of the night when we were living together. We broke up and made up several times. Even with the evidence I still don't know for sure if he ever really cheated. When our daughter was born, I asked him if he would like to try again, because he told me he loved me; and well, I love him. He said NO, but we were having sex. Than when I found out he was intimate with someone else, he lied about being with another woman; said this was why things wouldn't work out because I was crazy and I didn't trust him. I mean a used condom in the trash that was not from us...come on. Apparently we were working on things, I had no idea because he said there wasn't a chance...Basically, he changed the story around and blamed me for our failed relationship, go figure. He has never been willing to take responsibility for his actions and everything is always someone elses fault. We didn't speak for three months, he drove me crazy with all the lies. I threw some flowers out his door, that he had for his new girlfriend and he physically threw me out the door. Needless to say after that we didn't speak for three months until his mother e-mailed me. LONG story short...I am having a hard time separating my personal feelings for him. I thought I was over him, but the feelings still linger. He doesn't know how to care for his daughter by himself, so the only way he can see her is if I am there. He doesn't see her often because he doesn't make a lot of time for her. He currently is not working due to a work related injury, he's not in school and he still doesn't make any time for her. For example, I invited him to come to the park with us and he says, "I'm not waking up until 2pm." My daughter naps from 2-4. It kills me that he isn't willing to wake up at 11, come to the park and than go back to sleep. He says, he can't work for another 3 weeks, but when I call him, he's getting drunk at a concert. I know I'm upset, because I still care for him. I aslo care about my daughter and the kind of relationship he has with her. Another issue we have been having is that he has trouble showing up and calling when we plan for him to spend time with her. I take time out of my day for him to see his daughter, I wait for him to call, and he never does until it's late; most of the time I have to call him. The thing is that, he doesn't even apologize for not calling or showing up. I am under so much stress financially and I just can't deal with him too. I try not to let it get to me, but its just so hard. I haven't been on a date or been with anyone since we broke up and I don't think I'm ready. I think I'm starting to ramble. Well, thank you for listening to me, I know there are a lot of issues, any advice would be great.
M.A. answers from Raleigh on August 01, 2008
I don't want this to sound harsh, but it seems to me like you have a big lack of self confidence. You need to realize that you are better than this! This man is trash, and you deserve someone who loves you and takes care of you. It is more important for your daughter to have a positive male rolemodel who loves her than a father in her life who could care less about her. Stop trying to force something that isn't there, and move on with your life! If he is interested in being a part of her life, he will come around. In the meantime, I hope that he is paying child support - and if not, you need to seek the advice of a lawyer to make sure that he is taking care of his financial responsibilities.
I am sure that you are an amazing mom! Keep up the good work with your little precious girl, and throw out the garbage! You will feel like a strong and empowered and HAPPY woman when you do!
1 mom found this helpful
I.N. answers from Raleigh on August 01, 2008
Seek help from Interact or a women's center. They can help you deal with issues arising from violence in your relationship through counseling or whatever else you might need as far as resources. You have a BA in women's studies!!!! You should be familiar with battered woman syndrome. You are acting like you can't live without him. Forget that! You CAN do it on your own. If he wants to fix his priorities later, fine. But YOU cannot and should not try to do it for him. Focus on yourself, your baby, your career- YOUR life. You and your daughter are worth it!!! You can learn to love yourself again.
And I want to mention that with a BS in Biology, you could look for work as a biologist with the state, an engineering firm, or one of the pharmaceutical companies around the triangle. Another good field to be in is human resources, which your women's studies degree might help with. Not sure what you want to do with your career, but when you have decent income, you will feel empowered and stronger and proud of yourself. I know this one from experience.
Good luck to you!
L.C. answers from Raleigh on August 01, 2008
Oh my gosh, are you kidding me???? You are smart and educated , why in the world are you waisting your time on this idiot.He is not good to you,not good to his child, sleeps around...........Why?????
S.U. answers from Raleigh on August 01, 2008
Hi K., wow, some ladies on here really take the liberty of telling you how they feel. Anyway... I've had feelings for losers in my life before, so I can relate. This guy is definitely a loser that you fell in love with. Now you need to be in love with yourself and your daughter and do the right thing. You need to grow out of this 'bad boy' stage you've found yourself in. He is not capable of being the person that you need for him to be. Break it off with him entirely. Cold turkey. Move on. Emotionally and physically. Get a good lawyer and get what you deserve from him for child support, you are going to need it until she can support herself. You are going to be strapped for money now and possibly forever if you do not check this block. Set up visitation under your terms. If he chooses to be a good father, so be it, but be a good mother to your daughter and get this man out of your head. Find a nice man that deserves your efforts and admiration. Be an example to your daughter on what you want her to choose in a man someday. She will love her father, but you can control what she wants to choose for herself someday. Being a good example is the BEST form of love and education. Good luck!
D.D. answers from Raleigh on August 02, 2008
As a single Mom for 11 years!! PLEASE let this one go!! I waited till I was ready and healed emotionally to move on to another relationship and found a man that LOVES my boy with all his heart and thinks of him as his OWN! The ties were cut back then when he did not want to be a Dad because of his own ego and ignorant ways. We were young also. But I did get child support and that was it. He never saw his biological Dad again EVER and loves his step Dad the most anyone ever could. They are a team. WE are a TEAM. Stay strong and do the right things for the two of you who mean the most!! You are a good Mom!!
K.S. answers from Raleigh on August 01, 2008
I know that age should have anything to do with emotions, but you seem very lacking in common sense. You are 27 yrs old with a college degree. You found a looser. You were intimate without birth control, Maybe you wanted a child. Well, now you have a beaufiful little girl. It is time to move on and make a life for you and your daughter, and he is no part of it. He has made himself very clear. He is a looser. I hope you take your time if you meet someone else and don't bring him home till you are married after a long courtship and making sure he is right for both of you. Good luck. Get your priorities in order.