"Silly" Is Only Cute for a While.

I have six year old fraternal twin girls and I suffer from the same thing with the oldest twin. I find myself always telling her 'act normal please' and she'll act all rared up until I warn her several times about discipline. I find that she tries to mock behavior but on her on shes just silly. She causes me to be extra reserved and boring because I am trying to exhibit proper behavior to her. I try to keep the twins very active and busy and around new people and in a new setting she acts more'silly' but doing regular routine activities she is more calm because she knows what to expect. I think routine set schedules is the answer because new things causes them to be nervous and anxious and they act silly in response because they don't know the proper response to change yet.

There are 2 things going on here. First of all, your little girl is still a little girl. It is difficult to remember this when she is highly intelligent. It shows up because the other kids have learned to hold in these natural tendencies to be goofy and silly. Your daughter is more of a free spirit or does not know what the others have already learned. To hold all of that in while at school and in public.

When you think about it 8 is so young on this earth. She has been around others that are serious and probably really too busy to just play with her as much as she needs. The other thing is that emotionally she is probably just immature and does not have many social skills. These skills are just as important as reading and math. She needs to be taught the social queues that we all have learned to help "read" what others are thinking, or feeling. She has not learned this.

The best way is to teach her this is through the rules of our society and manners. Once she learns these, she will better understand what is expected in all types of situations.

The other thing is she needs to be free to have fun, play, be silly, goofy and creative. It is hard to hold it together all day. Imagine holding all of this natural energy in all day and then having to go to clubs, music lessons or other activities and then going home and doing homework? At 8 years old?

The other thing is that if she is surrounded by competition and stress all day, she needs a way to vent. My child has never been into competition. Especially at school. We and the schools we sent her to all just wanted each child to do THEIR best. It was nobody elses business to know what others grades were. Same with parents. Instead we cheered any and all achievement and encouraged and helped with any and all struggles. We even taught our children it was ok and natural to make mistakes or to not always win or be the best.

I purchased a great book while my child was in elementary school it is is called "How Rude" The Teenagers Guide to Good manners, Proper Behavior and Not Grossing people out. It is funny and is still age appropriate for both your son and your daughter. I think it will help to remind her what the expectations are.

Sounds also like she needs some down time. Let her have some time off to just play. Each of you in the family need to spend time with her every week doing fun things. She is begging for attention.

I don't really have any good advice to give you but the image I get from what you are telling us is that she sounds like she is so intelligent that she's bored. If she's already in advanced classes then she's obviously a smart little girl. She's been tested for ADD & ADHD but what about an IQ test? In school, is it possible she's not challenged enough? And at home does she try to provoke attention to the things she can do? "Watch me mom..." that kind of thing? Without giving too much advice, since I don't have kids her age but I have been one of those smarty types who got in trouble a lot, I would say find ways to challenge her more in school and out and see if she responds to that versus punishment first. If that doesn't work, and you may have already tried it, then focus on the behavioral end. Also, is it possible that she's imitating her big brother? She looks up to him. She may not be ADHD herself but is preforming behaviors that she's seen him do? She could just be mimicking her hyper brother.

Hope I've helped in some way.
Jen
http://www.mommysjoy.com

There are times for silly and times for calm. Explain that to her. Allow her plenty of silly time. Then, start punishing when silly at inappropriate times, like funerals, tests, etc. But, be confident that she will probably live life fully and be very happy no matter what comes her way. It is an age thing too. My 7 year old is very silly. It drives me crazy. But, she is happy. I don't want my children to learn to never be silly or rarely silly. Foster that good attitude. Just fine tune it for the right circumstances. Also, understand that you might be expecting too much and come to a middle ground; that way you know are not stifling her, nor teaching her to be depressed/stressed. It is what I have to remind myself of. It is a great coping method for stressful times. I would actually foster it as much as possible, with also teaching her about inappropriateness. Who knows, she may make a wonderful comedian some day. But, no matter what, if she stays silly for the most part, she will grow up to be a very content adult. Also, praise her on the fact that she doesn't care what others' think about her. That will be a wonderful trait when peer pressure hits. She will be a leader and not a follower and not care who follows her or not. Yes, it needs to be tamed - but not destroyed!!

I only have a 3-year-old girl, but one thing that has helped her learn how to act appropriately is our trips to the River Walk. She gets all dressed up and I take her down to the River Walk just the two of us. No friends, no daddy. She gets to pick a restaurant for lunch, but it has to have a tablecloth, or cloth napkins. We have our big girl lunch and she has to use all of her best manners. Make it a game and maybe she will play along.
Eight is still young enough to be playful in most situations, but teaching appropriateness is the key I think. Maybe if she is so good academically, reading books or writing stories on the topic could help too?

You have a very special blessed little girl. Yes, she does things differently than other kids. But God gave her an awesome personality. Sometimes, teachers expect children to be the same. Each child is different and each child learns differenty. Sometimes they are bored. Since she is so smart, maybe she is ahead of her class. Our kids are not clones...thank God.

Mary

As odd as this sounds I can still be that way and I was absolutely that way as a child and I am sure I made my folks nuts. To help my mom put me in situations where "silly" was appropriate. Like we would set up times during the day and during the week where I could be that way. Even in college I had to curtail my natural instincts because that would have severely effected my future and grades. The talks from mom and dad helped, but when they got angry that just made me more determined to be wild. I do ok now, but i see the silly come out in my tinys sometimes and it just makes me smile. I was tested for gifted and they decided that I was gifted in art and music but nothing else and my mind just wondered naturally. Silly as it is my life has a dialog and a soundtrack that is constantly playing in my head. Your daughter my be experiencing the same thing and you may want to ask her about it.

So try setting up silly times. And go ahead and let yourself be silly at those same times. Show her that it is ok to be silly sometimes and it is good to be not silly other times. I had to start writing and that helped also buying a tape recorder and singing or doing other silly things and playing them back through headphones to myself helped.

This may not lift your spirits, but my husband still catches me sometimes acting very much not my age, so it may be her personality and unfortunately you may be stuck. You will often catch me singing and dancing in the elevator while I'm riding, sometimes I dance while we are walking down the street, make faces, laugh very very loud. Just all in all, it's me and who I am, sometimes it is too much for others and without my mom's help early on I wouldn't be able to bring it down a notch.

My prayers will be for your family tonight, it can be very hard to deal with.

My 14yo stepson has also outgrown the "cute" stage, and it's hitting him hard. His father realizes that he has raised (is raising) a person whom nobody wants to be around. Your girl might have a ways to go before it gets to this point, but it's good that you are aware of it now. Our boy is having a hard time realizing that nobody but his parents have tolerance for silliness and self-centeredness. (I feel bad for him, being new to high school and being on everybody's bad side.)

We give him plenty attention, but we also have to remind him--sometimes firmly--when it's not his turn for attention. We remind him that just because he might be present for certain conversations doesn't mean that his two cents worth is welcome, especially if adults are talking. (He has a strong sense of entitlement, even regarding conversation.) His attitude gets nasty when he's asked to do anything that does not involve television or video games. He is very bright and can intelligently contribute to many conversations, but he doesn't have a clear set of boundaries.

I realize that this is not the exact issue with your daughter, but I think that they are connected, if she only wants to play and it's trickled into what's socially appropriate. As she gets older, maybe you can encourage her to volunteer to help others. This might help her to realize that it's not always gonna be about her. Right now, talk about other people and emphasize doing for them, helping them to better circumstances.

Like Heather, I have a son that though he is VERY smart, he was/is "socially" immature. (He's now 20 & still immature)It is so hard for me to watch him act "silly"-smart comments, goofy jokes, etc. Embarassing to me.
I finally had to realize that I don't own his "personality". I guess what I'm saying is --the world will teach your daughter the lessons you are trying so hard to teach her. She may be shunned and labeled a goof but these are the choices she's made by her behavior. As a mom letting the school of hard-knocks teach your child, is the HARDEST thing to do but sometimes it's the only way.

When in social functions that I expect a certain level of maturity (church, family events)I lay the rules down. He KNOWS how to behave properly but when around his peers he choses not to. It takes a long time and a LOT of patience. I had one of his teachers tell me that when HE finds something he wants bad enough, he will control his behavior.....and he has. He still acts "silly" and it hurts that he isn't allowing everyone to see the side that I see so often-the caring, smart, intelligent, mind-blowing young man that he is. I've come to learn that his "goofy" side is a defence mechanism that is his way of protecting his feelings. If he is labeled as "goofy" then they won't label him a nerd because he really is so much smarter than his peers. He didn't fit in with the honors kids because he never wanted to work that hard and hated the pressure. Good luck.

My 7 year old son is similar, in being socially more immature than his peer group and likes to be silly as well. The school counselor told us he is doing this to put himself on the level with his classmates because he is otherwise quite advanced/gifted/etc. Nice to hear, but gee whiz, right?
You may need to do what we find ourselves doing and that is letting him suffer the natural consequences of his actions. It is so hard to stand by and see him get in trouble at school (always silly little things, but just "getting their pin pulled" is a big deal for them!) but this is the time in their lives that learning lessons by making mistakes is easiest. Later in life the consequences are much harder, so letting them practice now is what we have to do.
We also regularly talk with our son about how his choices affect the character of the man he will become in life. We make it clear: do you want to be trusted and respected? Practice truth and honesty and kindness now. What kind of person do you want your friends to see in you? Practice being that person you want to be, and you will be it. It's heavy stuff, sure, but kids do get it. Even those with the sillies, although they just need many, many more reminders. My son has come a long way since Kindergarden, and I'm so thankful he's had very patient teachers along the way, but it's all about natural consequences and talking again and again about choices and stopping to think about what you are doing.
Have you read "Love and Logic"? Great book. Hang in there! Your daughter's playful spirit will be her greatest asset someday, if she can just make it work for her and not the other way around!

You might want to check out this book. I bought a copy of the "Edison Trait" at Half Price Books, when my son was only 8 months old because he just seemed "different" than other babies.

He is 3 now and has not been formally tested to be gifted, but I am quite sure he is. I just recently started reading this book again now that he's 3 and it's really helped with my frustration level.

I think I will be in the same shoes as you!! I hope you find this book helpful!

http://www.amazon.com/Dreamers-Discoverers-Dynamos-Proble...

Hi Diane, of course your daughter is too young to be fully matured, but not too young to be taught the importance of minding her manners. Teaching manners to kids at a young age is important for their development of social skills, they are to be taught respectfulness and responsibility. In fact, kids who don't have social graces are likely to have a more difficult time with friends, family and teachers. I found some great advice and info on this subject, hope this helps:-)

http://kidsgoodmanners.com/video3.htm
http://www.mannersmatterusa.com/index.html

If you are 47 the chances are that when you acted up when you should not have, your parents popped you on the bottom.
It didn't mar you for life, did it? A little swat on the bottom can do wonders.

Hi Diane,
I A. sure this is very frustrating for you- but I think its great that you want to address these issues now, rather than later. Your daughter is obviously intelligent.. my suggestion would be that you talk logic to her. Not once- but continuously. Sit her down, explain things matter-of-factly.. like "when you do "x" people don't like that. How would you feel if someone did that infront of you/to you?".
Also point out examples whenever you can.. if you are shopping and notice kids misbehaving or doing things they shouldn't- point it out to her- and ask her what she thinks of that behavior. If you see something on tv talk to her about it.
I think its a matter of convincing her and drilling it in- so that she will modify her behavior. Also, I know with my 7 year old that they are now much more concerned with how their peers see them.. so maybe she can make a connection to that- as a motivation. As for immaturity- unfortunately, it takes time to mature and kids reach it at different levels.. so continue being patient!
Good luck!

Welcome to the world of having a truely gifted child. IT's frustrating, but immaturity with peers, even those that are among the smartest, is par for the course. I have the same problem with my son, and all the gifted and talented experts keep telling me that it's just how he is and he's not going to change because he can't. I wish I could give you more encouraging news than that, but I haven't found the answer yet.

Children only do behaviors if they feel that they get some kind of payback from it. If you feel that she is getting all of the appropriate attention then I would try to figure out a negative consequence that does not make the "acting cute" behavior so great anymore. I first of all would discuss it with her alone in a serious way. Say we are tired of this behavior and it is not cute anymore. We know your are smart and capable of doing better with your school work and your behavior. I love you and want what is best for you and this is not your best.
From now on when you demonstrate this type of behavior at school or with us then this will be your consequence. Then think of something that she would hate. No TV, no friends over, no going skating, whatever she loves to do, for one day. Be as consistent as God and if she whines or throws a fit about it be calm and add more time to it. Do not be angry, just calm and firm. Say I love you too much to allow you to act this way.
As a mom of three and a teacher believe me if done consistently this works. Then make a point of complimenting and rewarding positive behaviors as soon as you see them. So that it is ingrained what it is that you are looking for. When she talks and acts mature make sure you notice it and reward it. IE: I love the way you did your work this week at school or stayed on green or whatever they do for behavior, lets go to Dairy Queen and get a blizzard or something she likes. You get the idea. This will extinguish the negative behavior and help establish the behavior you want.

Is she getting challenged enough at school? Sometimes kids act up when bored. My second daughter would finish everything quickly & aaccurately & then start a party. She was already in the GT program but it wasn't enough. The teachers worked with me & she was given a research project.(3rd grade) If she finished her in class work early she could go to the computer & work on a research project on weather in particular tornadoes, It really helped. The son of a friend was also GT & having behavior problems. They actually skipped a grade for him & it helped. Also extra currricular activities like Destination Imagination, Drama at a local Theater might help. She may need more imagination encouraged activities. Look at the kind of games you have her playing at home. Imaginiff, Brain age & things where she can get into challenges to think may help channel her to want to be the best with her talents instead of seeking diversions.
Good Luck!

I totally feel your frustration! My 7 year old son is a lot like that. He is very bright but very silly. From what I've learned in teacher workshops, this can be very normal for a gifted child. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with, though, does it?!?

To some extent, we allow our son to suffer the natural consequences of his actions. We also try to encourage appropriate behaviors by modeling and by discussing ahead of time what is going to happen in a new situation because he doesn't handle change well. We heap on lots of praise when he makes us proud and does well, and we reward him with things like an opportunity to bake cookies with us, etc.

I look forward to reading all of the responses to get new ideas and thoughts.

Is it possible that even in the advanced school she's not challenged enough? I was also the 2nd (of 4), and was in all honors classes since 1st grade. But I was bored, so I didn't do my work and either read or wrote letters, etc. I was very shy, so disrupting class wasn't an issue for me.

I agree that it's very important to teach kiddos when certain things are appropriate or not. My son is only 4, but we've been getting onto him from the beginning that if he is disturbing someone, then he needs to knock it off. I'm with you- the kiddos should not be mini-adults or seen and not heard as my nieces are, but they do need to be respectful of others.

Sorry I can't really help in ideas for her age, but I hope maybe having a conversation with her about her school work will help. My grades got worse & worse as I got older (worse meaning more B's than A's) because I was more bored in the classroom. Maybe she needs a more hands-on approach or something? That definitely helped me.

I just thought of something else also... My youngest brother was always VERY small for his age, and people would always say how cute he was. At age 11, he was the size of a 6yo. He always goofed off and thought he could get by on his cuteness. When my dad had really had enough he sat him down and had a long talk with him about the importance of being serious and getting down to business when necessary.

Best of luck to both of you.