Showering with Dad

Hi D.!

Did you ever think that your question would get so many comments? So many different comments at that! Anyway, when my daughter was about 5 years old, we were at my in-laws house. My husband used to shower there on occasion. My daughter asked to shower with him because it was something she did at home. My husband and I NEVER, in our wildest dreams ever thought it was anything other than a shower. Well my mother-in-law had a cow! She went nuts when my husband told our it was okay! Again it took us both by such surprise as we had nothing to hide and thought everything was fine. Sadly, my husband abruptly stopped the showers because someone made it so shameful! I REALLY regret that happening that way. Nonetheless, our daughter showered with him for 5 years and she has grown up to be a beautiful young woman (now 21), independent spirit that is traveling throught Croatia, Serbia, Hungary and a host of many other countries. She adores her father in a healthy way.

In a non-accusatory way, I am wondering if the negative comments on this subject were made by women that have been victimized. Just curious about that. I guess they would have reason to suspect that nudity is a bad thing.

Simply put, I believe that when the child or father shows they want more privacy then it should be respected.

My .02 cents...

A.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi, D.,

Different cultures feel different about nudity. In Japan, as well as other countries, whole families containing members of all ages bathe naked together. If you live in the U.S. and have the same cultural background as most people, then I suppose when the kids or the parents start feeling uncomfortable showing naked is the time to stop.

L. E

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You know i have 2 boys ages 8 and 9. Many moms would diagree with me but we still shower together. I have the opinion that my boys will let me know when they want to stop or if they dont like it. In the world the way it is I really beleive its in our best interest to keep them as young, innocent, and stressfree for as long as possible. They have their entire adult life to listen to society and be told whats right and whats wrong so for now I let them make those decisions int he hopes of bringing up 2 boys that do what their hearts say and not what the world is telling them.
Not sure if this helps, but I am curious to see what type of advice you get.
Take care and good luck
-A.

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Hi D.:
Its been my experience,and its my personal opinion, that when a child appears uncomfortable, awkward, or hesitates,about taking off their clothes in front of an adult,its time to Give them their PRIVACY,and allow them to bathe alone.The debate here,should be that concerning your childrens NEED for privacy,and to allow them room to be their own individual self.If they are modest,they should have the freedom to (be modest) I wish you and your daughters the best

2 moms found this helpful

We have always wondered that question too. I think your daughter will let you when its time. For us it was when my daughter said, "EEEWWWW! I don't want to shower with that thing!" You can guess what she was pointing at... :)

Love,
J.

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WOW!! people make a big deal out of nudity.
Showering, changing diapers, potty training all have nudity and are normal.. and there shouldn't be a timeline on any of them.
We are parents and we take care of our children let's not make them think "bodies are bad".

*be happy your child is clean and find something else to worry about... like divorce and how to make your daughter feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation...

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When the girls feel uncomfortable about it? Do they ask to shower with him or does he ask them to shower with him?
I think you do what works with/for you and your kids until it doesn't.
I am divorcing my husband and my 5 yr old son wakes up at 3am and comes and sleeps with me. He is needing to do this so I am ok with it.
Good Luck.
~A.

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Well, first off, you know that you will have no control over what dad will do in his home with the kids. That's life after divorce, right? Next, you should talk about what feels right between the two of you, and hope you're both on the same page. I personally feel that at about the age of 7 or so, children become more curious about man vs. woman, and I would stop it. I don't believe in the major covering up if the kids walk in, but I wouldn't promote it, either.

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I'm sitting here trying to remember when I quit bathing my son. He's 19 now, and I remember that at age 8 or 9 he was most definitely bathing himself (although doing a very poor job of it), so I'm going to guess that when I quit giving him a bath was probably around 5 or 6, when he said he wanted to do it himself. I watched him the first couple times, to make sure he used the soap and shampoo properly, but then just left him to it. I don't remember it being a nudity issue as much as an independence issue. In any case, we quit showering together probably around his age 3 or 4 because of a space issue in our shower. Again, not nudity related.

My daughter is now 4, and she will sometimes shower with me, sometimes with Dad, and when she's having a bath it's one or the other of us giving the bath. She's not expressed any interest in doing it herself yet. Showers tend to be more a time-related issue than anything else. She sees both of us nude fairly regularly, and while she is aware that boys and girls are built different, she doesn't really seem to care about it. Actually, she seems more interested in my breasts than anything else.

The question is interesting because I was wondering about this recently too, and I decided that when she was ready to bathe herself, if she began to show more curiosity/interest in Dad's genitalia, or if there were any signs of discomfort with the status quo, then we would change the system. In our case, Dad is the primary caregiver, he works at home, and I work outside the home, hence he ends up doing the majority of the bathing. Maybe this plays a part in her total comfort with the situation? I'm not sure. In any case, I don't really see the big deal with it, if you trust the male in question.

And as for the moms who mentioned things like fun time, family time, and bonding time, I would agree with all that, whole-heartedly. In fact, while one or the other of us is bathing her in the tub, the other usually comes into the bathroom, because it sounds like a lot of fun, laughing and splashing, and the uninvolved parent is drawn to it.

And, as a sidenote, I have to say how truly surprised I am in the level of negative responses to this. Check out the co-sleep related questions and see how many of the moms are all about keeping kids in the marital bed for an extended time frame. Or review the extended breast-feeding that is advocated around here, which goes on until toddlers are well past the need for it. But put the tots in the tub with a parent and suddenly it's all inappropriate and crossing boundaries? Wow.

And before I get a bunch of nasty emails, please understand that I am NOT against co-sleeping or breast-feeding. I'm just saying... this seems a *bit* of a contradiction...

Oh, and some of the respondents made statements about this *NEVER* being okay... What about families that live in homes where there is not a bathtub? We had a bathroom a few years ago that only had a stand-up shower enclosure. I would say in some cases showering with a child IS necessary.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with everyone else, when you or the children start to feel uncomfortable. My husband will take a shower with his son who is seven, but he has always made both of them wear underwear when they are in the shower together. That is always an option...

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When the daughter doesn't want to shower with Dad anymore. Every child is different.

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I agree that when you have to ask it's the time to stop. Most kids don't remember anything under the age of three. So that's probable a good age if not before. If kids are use to taking a shower with dad I wouldn't make it a big deal about your to old to take a shower with dad, because you will instill things they have seen on dad to become a memory. Because it is now something bad.

Buy a movable shower head and put it in the kids bathroom, buy bath toys and but them in the tub to play, then teach them to wash their own hair and wash it out with the movable shower head, you can tell them when the soap is out.

I stopped taking showers with my son at 2 1/2 close to 3. Because I started feeling uncomfortable. Dad still does when they are in a hurry for something, he says they are the same, one is just hairier. But I have told my son if he doesn't want to shower with dad then he needs to get in before dad and hurry, so that when dad is ready he can get out. I don't think he cares, he's never been told that it's bad that they shower together. But he understands girls are diffrent because we have boobs. So that is why his sisters lock him out of the kids bathroom and he doesn't walk in on me.

Good luck with this! like I said don't make it a big deal, you don't want them to think it's bad, you just need to make a change, and there is nothing wrong with all the girls taking a shower or bath together, until the oldest starts developing. Then you want to teach her modesty. J.

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As long as the child needs assistance with a shower, I think its ok because a parent is still needed. Once a child can climb into the shower, turn it on, shampoo and rinse on their own, then they are too old.

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Dear D.:

Is there an age when it is no longer okay for a female child to shower with their mother? No. Same thing with father. Parents bathe or shower with their small children to help them get clean. Then it becomes a convenient habit. At some point, it becomes pointless and then it tapers off. Of course, this happens at a different point in every family but, if it occurs naturally, everyone remains happy. If, on the other hand, someone freaks out and makes a big issue of it, THAT becomes damaging to the child and to the relationship with the parent. If these three girls are the light of your life, you don't want to do that to them.

Very best wishes,

M.

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I see your question from two different perspectives both of which I have personal experience with. I am divorced and can understand where you are coming from, I wanted my ex to drop off the face of the earth, I am also married to a man who is divorced and can see the other side.

1) you are looking for evidence to help you justify your divorce and are trying to put your daughters in middle. Having watched my husband go through this scenario (false allegations, story concocted by mom and perpetuated for almost 10 years, almost a million dollars in court and legal costs to prove his innocence and that the ex is a liar and fraud, and 4 kids who have been alienated from a loving father while the legal stuff all played out) the oldest child is now 18 and made contact with their father, there is so much anger and bitterness towards Mom who has lied to the kids for over 10 years. I would say leave your daughters out of this unless you are absolutely positive something has happened to them and you are willing to have physical proof not just what you believe might happen. If your marriage is over because you two couldn't work things out then accept that don't try to justify what you are doing because he takes a shower with your daughters. Whether you like their dad or not your daughters have a right to be with their father and he has the right to be their father unless he is actually doing something to hurt them, you do not have the right to create fear in their minds or alienate them from him. You may not want to hear that but it's true!

2) My current husband showers with our daughters who are 6, 5 and 2 it is only occasionally and when there is a time crunch. Our daughters see us both naked and know that boys are different than girls. We also have 2 teenage boys who would die rather than let their sisters see them naked and vice versa the girls are very aware of modesty. Because of the scenario with his previous children my husband has been overly cautious and is very conscious of the perception. Our two older daughters are just now expressing interest in showering or bathing by themselves and the dynamics of shower and bath times are changing. This is being respected and new boundaries are taking place naturally nothing forced. There is nothing wrong with being open with your children about the human body it is a beautiful creation, by the same token these same bodies need to be respected and treated like a rare work of art.

You need to really evaluate what your motivation for the question is and then go from there. If there is indeed something really wrong your children will let you know, but you should never plant negative thoughts about their dad to them, he is their father and he loves them just like you do, whether you can see that or not.

A.

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Maybe 6 or so. If you don't make a big issue of it, I think it's fine until that age. So many of the women on here think men should never shower with their daughters or give them baths. What's wrong with you people? Fathers have close relationships with kids too and if it means helping with bath time, then so be it. It's bonding time. They can teach them how to clean themselves. It's a good thing. It's not like Dad will be washing her private parts when she's 6, but an occasional shower at that time is normal and as long as there is nothing inappropriate, then who cares!

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I think when the child starts express curiosity about the "different plumbing" it time to stop. My mother can tell you a hysterical story about me trying to "catch the raindrops" off my dad's...well, you know.

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I do not know what age is appropriate to stop because our daughter is three and still does. I know I showered with my Dad as well till around 5. My husband wears his board shorts while she is in and they make it fun. My dad would wear shorts as well. Once my daughter gets out, then he finishes his shower without his shorts. Hope this helps.

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I think I would cut that off at 2...2 1/2 at the very latest. I also have 3 girls and my husband won't even let the 1 year old see him naked!

D.,
You have received a complete range of answers. The bottom line, it's up to you and dad. The one thing that is pretty consistent, and I agree, don't make a big deal out of it. Best of everything to you!

My husband stopped showering with my daughter as soon as she was aware of the difference.

It is never all right for a female child to shower with her dad. After age two for sure.

I would say that a limit is important. As I was growing up I had a step dad that was naked around us and I absolutely hated it. It is not appropriate and can create problems. It is not a hang up to care enough about your children to protect them. My husband and I have already discussed this and I would say 3 years is probably enough. Remember also that a little girl seeing her dad naked is very different than a little boy seeing his mother naked. It just is!

Since daddy was in charge of bathtime, we used to do this, too. I think we stopped with our girls when they were about 18 months. After that, daddy would then shower with a bathing suit on.

My kids stopped showering with their dad at the age of 18 months.

Things are so differeint from how I grew up, but if you don't see a problem with it, then I'll say until they are toddlers.

Good morning D.,

I don't think it is never, never, never, okay for a man to shower and/or bathe with his female child at any age! Give her a bath, wash her hair but not to shower. I don't know why any man needs to shower at the same time with their kid here is the United States. We have water and an indoor bathroom!

Most kids can't remember anything that happens before their 4th birthday, so I always made that my cutoff. But then, one day my 3 year old daughter asked my husband "What's that thing stuck to your butt?" and that was it. My husband came out and told me shower time with daddy was officially over. Up until then she hadn't even noticed the difference. Of course, now my daughter has twin baby brothers and see diaper changes all the time, so she knows the difference between boys and girls. It's just different when it's an adult, and she totally understands about privacy now. But I still take my boys in the shower with me, since they are oblivious. They just like their mommy time. Do whatever is comfortable for you. However, I would caution against letting your child shower with any adult OTHER than a parent.

When I was a child (I think around 5 or 6) my wonderful grandfather who I was very fond of would shower each of us grandkids with him one at a time in a assembly line manner. In his mind this this was probably the quickest, most efficient way to get us washed up. I don't remember feeling weird about it at the time. Although I believe in modesty when out-and-about I'm very comfortable being naked at home. That being said, as an adult one of the strongest of the many memories I have of my grandfather is of him being naked in the shower. I really remember this and I wish I didn't. I also remember seeing my mom and dad naked as an child (at 9, 10, 11?). Could do without those memories too. Obviously the adults in my family were comfortable clothes-free and I do not fault them. Now, because of your question I'm giving some thought to this. My young daughter and I shower together sometimes-no problem with that one- it's actually a a really sweet stress-free time together and v-e-r-y normal. But now I'm wondering, because I am so comfortable being around our home clothes-free at other times (I have an infant, getting showered & fully dressed is an accomplishment!) am I starting to impose on her? At almost five years old she will have lasting memories of this time in her life. So, it's not only about what we as adults are comfortable with. Our children are their own people who may or may not think/feel as we do (surprise!). As with so many parenting issues I don't believe there is a hard and fast rule here. I just think we should pay attention to our child's comfort level and adjust accordingly while keeping in mind that after a certain age, they are the ones who will have the memories of this time good, bad or indifferent.

I believe a simple questions leads to simple answers:
-is it safe for them to shower with him?
-is it safe for them to shower without him? (you did not give any indication of their ages)

Best of luck with your divorce. You are a mother of three beautiful girls that have taught you how to walk gracefully through every challenge!
cheers!
~W.

When you have to ask when is too old, then you are there. Go with your instincts.

wear swimsuits! :)I would suggest not doing it nude....DH has vague memories of his mom and refuses to shower naked with our boys even! lol.

I myself have a daughter, she is 18 months old and it is my personal preference that she never, ever shower with her dad. To me it is inappropriate and I can't actually think of a good reason for something like that to occure. The logistics of the whole thing don't make since to me. I must also admit that I myself do not take baths with my daughter. I feel that a child should have their own personal bath time as we should. Especially for a little girl and a male even when he's her father.

Please know that I'm no judging you. Each and every family is different and you have to do what you feel is right. Since you have reached the point of asking the question maybe now is the best time to stop the co-ed showers. Good Luck.

In my opinion 6-7 should be the cut off as long as you don't make it an issue they wont either.

I have girls and they have never showered with Dad. If you think it's OK, I would stop around age 2 or 3.

I agree with Emily and think as soon as you start to be concerned about it is when it should stop. The Dad might not "get it" but it is enough if one of you two do.

D.,
I would say once they are kindergarten age. I know many people may disagree, but, that is when she may start talking about it at school. Also a teacher may make some sort of judgement about it and it may get reported to child protective services. Just my opinion.

Fade out the behavior before kindergarten.

I have three suggestions here: 1) If you don't feel comfortable anymore, and you may not if you're asking, then it's time to stop. 2) Once the child notices the differences and starts to ask, it's time to stop. 3) If you haven't stopped by the time the child starts Kindergarten, it's time to stop before the child mentions it at school and someone finds it inappropriate and causes problems for you. I showered with all of my kids until they were probably about 3. My husband wasn't as comfortable and only showered occassionally when they were babies. Good luck!

Sorry, but are you a "D." male, or "D." female?
Are you the Dad asking this about your daughter's or are you the Mother? Not that it matters, but just asking.

Hi D.!!

Sorry to hear about your divorce, I hope that the two of you can work things out the best you can to make things as normal as you can for your children. As far as the showering with dad issue. I personally don't think that it is right. My husband doesn't even like to give our 3 year old a bath because he feels funny about it. When she was younger, once in a while he would walk through the house in just his underwear, but once she started saying "naked naked naked" when he was in his underwear, he wears shorts all of the time now. I use to shower with my daughter just out of convinence of time. But I stopped that when she started asking me questions at 2 1/2 that I wasn't ready to answer. I know that eventually all children learn the difference between boys and girls. But I would like to keep my child as innocent as possible for as long as possible. She has the rest of her life to deal with the bigger issues.

Good luck!!

L.

My first instinct is to say as soon as the child starts noticing, feeling curious, or uncomfortable. Then another part of me says "avoid it altogether", but I also think it is very personal and depends on culture and family culture. My family was very open with nudity, but the boundaries didn't evolve as I grew up and I suffered from it as a girl, with my dad not making the adjustment. My husband takes baths with our son and will wear a swim suit, but we don't hide our nudity from him. If he sees us, he will notice, laugh and ask questions (he is 3), which we answer, but we don't dwell on it.
I think it is a personal decision, but it is a boundary that should be set in place by the parent. The child shouldn't even have to start feeling uncomfortable for the parent to make adjustments.

That is totally up to you. My husband showered with all our kids when they were babies, but stopped when they became toddlers. He figured that if they were young enough to hold in his arms, then OK. But if they can stand up, then he didn't want them eye level with private parts.

In all honesty I don't think that it is ever a good idea for a daughter to shower with her father. Reguardless of how old she is. So, if you are doing this I would highly reccommend stopping. Best of luck.

Wow! There are some angry people out there! When I was a kid, I showered with Dad and don't even remember it. I think we stopped when I was like 2 or something. It was out of convenience more than anything, and in fact it was like someone said 'it's like an assembly line'. We had to get out of the house fast and I was a messy kiddo...no harm done.

My son's Dad and I aren't togehter and haven't been since I was 3 months preggers, so my suggestion to you is keep an open dialogue about things that concern you. If this is a concern address it in a civil manner, and don't make it about him doing something wrong or that you don't like it. Try to approach it with some care so that it's about you two parenting togehter. My son's Dad and I have always fought about silly things, and are just now finding ways to talk to each other...

Good Luck!

Hi,
Now that you are divorcing and live in different homes, I think that kinda ups the ante, so to speak and it may be better for them not to shower with him anymore. I guess, until they are able to clean themselves, he'll need to help them bathe, but it's kind of a judgement call on your part. Because you can't monitor it very well, I'd be cautious, but if the girls are still little and need the help, you may need to wait to have the no showering together rule until they are more aware and/or more able to do it themselves. There are some good pieces of advice you've gotten here so far, so just trust your instincts and you'll be fine. Good luck.
J.

I'm sorry, but what are you thinking. Your little girl should have never started taking showers with her dad to begin with!!! You need to stop NOW!

I asked my husband this question and he said he wouldn't feel comfortable past the age of 3. After that if he needed to take a shower with one of our girls, he said he'd wear a bathing suit. (our girls are 7 and almost 4)

Sorry to hear that you are having difficulties but I agree with you wholeheartedly about how awesome girls are! Take strength in your beautiful babies.

Good luck.

The best thing to do is trust your own gut feeling. Every family has different opinions on this. I don't think either opinion is bad, just do (or enforce) what feels right to you!