Sharing - Jackson, GA

My 4 yr old has a friend that lives behind us and he comes over just about every day and I sometimes have to go in there b/c the other child won't give my son a toy he wants. My son is the best child Ive ever met on sharing...he will share anytime with anyone..even his food or w/e he has. But the other child likes to make mine whine by not sharing back after my son has shared with him. So usually what I do is tell them both that if someone else has a toy first then you must wait until he or she puts it down before you can play with it if their unwilling to share.

Hi,
I teach 2-5 year olds and sharing is always an issue. I think in your home you certainly have a right to manage the conflict and to tell either child to share. My recommendation is that you try to catch the problem first. I don't know your son's name so I'll say Jack, and Tim for the other boy. If Jack is playing with something and Tim tries to take it away, I would say this: "Tim, at our house we take turns (or share our toys). Jack is playing with this toy right now. It's Jack's turn. When Jack has had his turn, it will be your turn. Please play with something else. Jack, when you're done playing with this toy, please let Tim have his turn." Then, I would keep an eye on the situation for a few minutes to make sure that you can say, in a few minutes, "Jack, you've had your turn, please let Tim have a turn." It will take a little time from your conversation, but it's worth it, because I find that after the first explanation, it's much easier the next time. I know this hasn't addressed anything with Tim's mom, but hopefully, if you jump in at the beginning, you'll be able to get to the part where you have instructed both boys equally. I hope this is helpful. N.

this is indeed a tough topic.
In this situation its hard to find the balance of maturity, and fairness.
I could just imagine someone doing that in front of me.
I guess it might be a little juvenile, but perhaps she doesn't realize what shes doing. (or at least we'd all like to think so) I hope she's not the type to think HER child is an angel and its all the other children's fault on things, but it DOES happen.
If i were you, I'd (very tactfully of course) give her "a dose of her own medicine" If it gets to the point where you KNOW she knows what your doing and she's doing it on purpose to upset you, I'd say have a talk with her.

Parents often forget that while we should teach sharing, the bigger lessons is patients. Wait is a very big word for them, this helps them truly in the future, and I think is even bigger than the lesson sharing. So try to teach your child wait, in front of the mom or even bring it up some how. I hope this helps.

I know how you feel i have a 4 year old boy and my best friend has a three year old boy. They love each other but fight over the same toy all the time drives us crazy.Mabe you should get the mom to bring a couple of her sons faavorite toys over when ever they come over. That way he will have a toy of his own. And if your boy wants to play with it then the other one can play with something of your sons. Tell them that friends are suppose to share with each other and get real excited when they are sharing good. Hope it helps. just hang in there it will get better. You can also get a timer and set it for 5 minutes, one gets it for 5 then the other. That teaches that sometimes you have to wait for what you want.

Hi J.,
Inform the mother of this child to bring along some of her sons favorite toys and you could leave out a couple of your childs toys for her son to play with but inform her that certain toys your son will not share.
Also, have you gone to her home to let the boys play, If not perhaps a visit there would make a big difference with her son sharing his toys with your son.
Good luck
I know this is tough LOVE

Hi J.,

Although my son is younger than yours, he has a couple of playmates we usually see once or twice a week. When my son or his friend has a toy and the other tries to grab it away, we usually try to give him a similar toy (another ball or truck or blocks). That way they can both be happy. If it's a toy that they ALWAYS fight over, I put it in my bedroom before the other children get there, so no one can have it. It's not sharing if toys are always being taken away from your son, and perhaps you need to point this out casually when the other mother tells your son to share. Good luck!

I've got 5 kids and we really stress communicating in our house. Yes you need to share but no you do not need to be the toy martyr.
this is what I do.
If a child- Joy has a toy and another one- Sam wants it- lets say they are trying to take it away- this is what I do (regardless of whose kid is which side of the toy war)

"Okay Sam and Joy calm down please and lets use our words"
"Sam, Joy was playing with that toy and it is not kind to snatch it away. I can tell you would really like to play with it.
"and Joy, I know you did not like it when Sam tried to take it but screaming at him is not okay"
"Joy please tell Sam "Sam please don't take my toy it hurts my heart...."
(JOY)-"Sam peas dona tay my toy it huwrts my har"
"And Sam you need to tell Joy you are sorry for snatching and you may ask her if you can have that toy when you are done- so Sam say "I'm sorry Joy for snatching. I really like that toy, may I have a turn when you are done with it?"
(SAM) "I sowwy Joy for satching. I wike dat toy- may I have a turwn when you are done peas?"

I added the kid talk assuming I am dealing with the 2-3 range. If on the two side I do most of the talking for them kwim?

Most often what happens is the child with the toy quickly becomes done and will give it to the other. On occassion I have set a timmer for 10 minutes and atthe sound of the ding they switch.

As far as handling the mama here is my two sence...

As a mom I appreciate support from other moms- we only see so many things so being in the mama game together is great. Sometimes though things may not seem roght simply from a lack of one person seeing the whole picture.

I would tell your friend when she comes over that you are really working with your little one on using his words and with socializing skills. So if she see you handle a sistuation a little differently that is why. She will ask for a for instance and you can say- well like with sharing this is what I want to do... and tell her something like what I typed above. I am sure she will be receptive. And use the same structure way of handling a sistuation like that should it occur.

OH and make sure you always verbally praise the kids
"great communication"
"I like the way you shared that toy when you were done with it Joy"
"Sam you are waiting so patiently- what a gentleman!"

hope that helps!

Hi J. M!

I have three girls ages 5, 3, 18 months. This is something we experienced when my oldest was younger. Before the friend arrives explain to your son he HAS to share all the toys. Ask him if there are special toys he does not want to share. If there are, explain that you will put those special toys away during the playdate and take them back out when the friend leaves.

Also, since your friend has no problem telling your child to share, you should have no problem stepping in either. When you see the other child approach your son, intercede and say, "Johnny is playing with that toy now, you play with this. When Johnny is done with that toy you can play with it."

Much conflict resolution at this age is conflict avoidence. Avoid the trigger and you will avoid the conflict.

Hope this helps!

Chris

I would definately tell the other child to wait for "his turn" or to find something different. Teaching your child to share is one thing, teaching him to be a doormat is something different and that is what is happening. By making him give over to this other child he's allowing himself to be made smaller.

If the other mother gets angry then simply explain to her that "sharing" is not giving up everything. That there are plenty of toys to play with and no one should have to constantly give over to the other.

Good luck.
T.

Well, you have two things going on here. The first is your son and the issue of sharing. All this is, of course, perfectly normal and as you know it is our job as parents to help them learn about sharing. I advise parents in my work as a counselor to allow children to identify "special toys" as the ones they want to reserve not to share and invite the child to put away the special toys before friends come over with the understanding that all other toys are there for our friends and for us to play with. When a child resists sharing, rather than reprimanding the child, it's best to reflect empathically first: "Sometimes it is hard to share. We have a problem here. Joey wants the truck and so do you. Gosh, I wonder what we can do to solve this problem?" and invite the child with facilitation to help find a solution. If the children can't share the toy than matter of factly, the toy is put away on the special shelf where no one plays with it until we find a solution.

The second part of your problem is this other mother. You can in a very positive way set some boundaries with her as well. So that you don't offend her and so that you might gain a friend through this, you can invite her to help you solve this problem. Something like this: "You know I am trying to teach Timmy to share and I am trying some different things. I really appreciate you wanting to help me with that. The thing is, I think it's confusing for Timmy when you correct him when I am here with him. Do you have any ideas for how we might agree to handle this when we are both together with the boys?" If that doesn't work, you might have to be more direct and change that last line to, "When Timmy is at your house and I'm not there, by all means please correct him as you believe is appropriate but if I am with him, I need to handle it myself." Good luck! I'm a counselor for young children and parents and do parent coaching too so if you need any other information feel free to email me directly.

HI there!
I don't know if this helps, but I've always read or heard that is a great idea, before the playtime, to let you son pick out his favorite toys, those that may be too special and hard for him to share and keep them in his room and talk to him about sharing the others.Like I said, (I've heard this, haven't prove it myself, but my hinch is that still,he'll want to play with a toy and the situation my be the same. NOW, other thoughts come to mind, stuff I've read in psicology books, etc, and I am no expert but THIS I know...this is a very critical age, in which kids are learning to form and set boundaries, his property needs to be respected and their sense of ownership validated, that's how eventualy they will learn to respect other's. That's not to say that they shouldn't share and also learn this important concept, BUT I think that when the other child wants to take your son's toy you should address them together and involving all three of you. I'll say something like - Yes honey we know this is your truck, you'll have a turn now and how about after you have a turn we let little Will play with it?!-Then I would go to little Will and tell him- Let's find you another great toy you can play with until you get your turn with the truck...- I am sure if you step in FIRST before the other mom tries to make your son share you'll send the message across.
Another suggestion...tell little Will's mom in advance to bring some toys that he can share, so when the boys are playing your son will be busy playing with his friendstoys and vice versa, maybe the excitement of having different toys to play with will keep them from wanting the same...
I hope this helps :-)

A.