Sex & Marriage

I am sure your post will make a lot of women smile. You are not alone in this. There are a lot of factors that come into play.
A. Having kids - OY! all your energy goes into caring for them them, life revolves around them. Who has time to be intimate? Who has energy to be?
B. More mouths means more stress to keep working, maybe work more, worry about bills. Hard to think about sex when you are stressed. Especially in a down economy. Men are driven to protect and provide, if they don't feel they can do those things sex becomes secondary.
C. Being comfortable in a relationship can sometimes diminish sex drive, oddly enough. You don't feel the rush to have sex because you can "git it when you want it". You don't feel the need to comb your hair, put on make up or dress up to impress (or in the male version, do push ups, wear deodorant, brush your teeth). Unfortunately it can also mean that you move farther apart from each other without even knowing you are doing so.
All of this is NORMAL. What keeps balance in a marriage is recognizing that what came natural before may need a little more effort and thought. My personal view is that a strong marital relationship supports happy parents which produces happy, stable children. Let's go back to A through C.
A. Yes, you have kids and there is less time to be together...MAKE time! Even if you can't afford to go out, put the kids to bed ON TIME, take a shower (preferably together), snuggle on the couch and watch a movie, hold his hand, slide it into his lap (grin), nibble on his ear, TELL him you think he is fantastic. Men love to be appreciated! Don't go to bed with clothes on (naked bodies are more sexy than grandma nighties). Be romantic. Even if you have to plan it out ahead of time.
B. Tell your husband how much you appreciate his efforts, especially in this economy! Try really hard to save money. If you work too, put even $50 a way a month to either go on a date or save for something special. He needs vacations too! Even if they are mini ones. Sit down and work out budgets together and stick with them. One of the biggest destroyers of marriage are arguments over money. Figure out who is the better money manager and let them take control. Have separate bank accounts if you are a SAHM and your money go towards your gas, groceries, clothes for the kids, school. Put some in savings too. Figure out a way to relieve the financial stress. Even him just knowing you two are on the same track helps!
C. Don't get so comfortable in your relationship that you take it for granted. IMHO a strong relationship consists of friendship, respect and trust. With those three strong elements you can weather anything! Become your husband's best friend. I tell my husband that I am his "pompom girl", he knows he has at least one person cheering in his corner. It's amazing how sexy your best friend can be. =) Let him catch you checking out his butt, wink at him across the table, play footsie. Make the time to spend with him. Make him feel that you still think he is the sexiest thing alive.

Unfortunately we have the belief in this country that you just "fall in love" and everything will be perfect. It isn't. Life is real and it can take its toll on any relationship. A real, lasting relationship takes work and commitment. If you treat your relationship, your husband, like the jewel he is, he will shine....and you will get more of what you want. =)
I hope this has helped.

I don't know what is exactly your situation.

But, to answer your question: my husband has a much lower sex drive than I have. It's not related to any relationship issue or because of the birth of our 2 children.

For as long as I can remember, even when we were dating, I always was more demanding than him.

We talk about it freely and we love each other a lot. We are very romantic, hold hands all the time, kiss and hug a lot, cuddle on the couch... Last wek my husband cae home with a surprise gift for me. When I opened the box I found a (hand-written)coupon valid for 100 kisses. So, the love, caring and relationship are not the issue.

He just has less need than I am. He would be perfectly fine with less than once a month or once in 2 month sex while I'm already getting crazy after one week :-)

I would say, that, in many instance, we have sex because he wants to please me and see me happy and satisfied more than because he feels a urge for it.

Which often makes me think we are the opposite of many couples where the wife from time to time accepts sex only to please her husband!

In the case of my husband, he was the same with previous girlfriends. Just not very sexual temperament.

Everyone is different. And this includes the need for sex. As long as you can talk about it freely, with love and understanding, you'll find ways to overcome the obstacles.

Good luck!

Helen offers some excellent ideas. Lower sex drive is a common and troublesome relationship issue. Depression may be at the root of his lowered drive. This is a great issue to bring into counseling.

It's so difficult to assess your situation without knowing the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. Couple of thoughts on this:

Testosterone levels drop with age, so this is normal.
Set the mood with candles, invest in a few good pieces of lingerie, no tv, soft music and scented oils.
Make it a priority to stay in shape..men are visual and it can be as easy as taking your kids for a hike.
Shower before bed and lather yourself up in a pretty scented lotion.
Clear all remnants of kids toys and clutter out of the bedroom and put them to bed earlier.
Give him time to relax after work to decompress before expecting him to get in the mood.

I talk about sex actually a lot with my friends!

I think it is normal that sex becomes non-existent after baby arrives.

Personally, I've experienced low libido due to my hypothyroidism after my delivery. I am still experiencing it, but it doesn't keep me from connecting to my husband intimately.

With that said, I try to focus my energy on re-connecting to my husband and that requires not just sex but being able to connect intimately with words, gifts, small gestures, and random acts of kindness along with fun.

Sex can be sometimes very mechanical for couples.

For me personally, I always find that being open and emotionally naked is only the beginning to great sex.

Hello SH,
This is a odd question you are right becasue to ask strangers about an intimate subject like this is saying that you trust the people on Mama Source.
With 40 years with my husband(yes we went to the prom together), until his recent death we lived well, fought well, and loved well.
Because of my husbands health over the 16 years before his death, over intimate moments were often rare. We found other ways to shre our time together and to express our love for one another. I was able to have a richness just hearing him read to me that was worth all the rest. AM I SAYING WE DIDN'T WANT TOHAVE SEX??? NO!!. BElieve me we have 5 children and I think that shows that we were able to have a great and powerful sex life. I know of people that for various reasons have little in the way of tenderness in their marriages and for them I feel sorry for them because it has left a hole in a otherwise wonderful relationship. I am blessed that we have had many great years and even in the hardest times I had his arms to surround me and to hear his heartbeat--- I'd really give anything to have that today. Good Luck, Nana Glenda