Sex After You Have Kids

Girl, I wish I wanted to once or twice a week (or more!). Anymore I am so tired from work and the kids and trying to keep the house up, that we're lucky to get any once a week!! My husband wishes it were more, but honestly I am just exhausted and I don't think about it so much. I think it's legit to have your sex drive diminish after you've had another baby (for a man or a woman). I think it's hard to have any kind of sex drive when you're under a lot of stress and you're exhausted. It may have been a little while since you were working outside your home, but it is very VERY stressful to be out there working right now - layoffs everywhere, everyone's workload has increased, it goes on and on. Your husband is very likely under a lot of stress right now as the primary breadwinner, and then he comes home and starts his "second shift" at home helping with the kids so you can have a break. Cut the guy some slack, and if he's telling you to make some moves... girl, make some moves! ; )

6 moms found this helpful

Hi S.,

I haven't read the other answers yet, but after our three kids, we were lucky to have sex TWICE A YEAR! No kidding. And neither of us was cheating!

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA

4 moms found this helpful

First of all no one elses "normal" is going to be your "normal." And no one has the right to say something like "no one can go longer than 6 weeks without sex" with such conviction. Seriously??? Is that a member of the sex police? Cuff me then because I have gone longer that 6 weeks without sex, for one reason or another.
What does matter is that your hubby seems like an awesome husband and a terrific dad. He's been honest with you that he'd like you to initiate more. Start with what is comfortable to you (send him a note in his lunch/briefcase saying--"can't wait for tonight!" or something like that.
Don't get out that "jump to conclusions" mat--he's a working father of 3 and a hands on dad. His plate is pretty full. Like yours. It's NORMAL for sex to fluctuate throughout a marriage and there is no better birth control than being around kids all day right? :-)

3 moms found this helpful

I saw your post 'sex after kids' and thought 'WHAT'S THAT?'hahahaha get it..anyway, your husband probably is not cheating. You know you are not cheating, you both used to have sex more so you know what you are missing. If you hadn't had a lot of sex you wouldn't know what you are missing. You will have sex again some day. Hang in there. Do other stuff, cuddle in bed, grab his whootsit and hold onto it while you are asleep, don't be shy, you had three kids with him. Don't wait for him. He will like it REALLY. And forget about keeping ball park figures and scores. They are all lies anyway. Just love eachother. That's why you had three kids.

3 moms found this helpful

Your husband is asking you to be the initiator which helps him to know that you actually really want to make love. Sex is never good when one person is only doing it out of obligation. A smart man knows that if he waits on the woman to initiate sex it empowers his ego and one less thing for him to worry about while doing the deed. Basically, he is just wanting to be sure you are actually "in the mood", men get pretty displaced when kids are born. They take up a lot of wifey's time....obligatory quickies get old fast. It sounds like you need to figure out a way for your husband and you to reconnect. Women are usually the ones that have to figure these things out.... seriously.

3 moms found this helpful

Stop it! Some men, like my hubby, just don't need it as often. We used to do it alot too, but now, it's about once a week. Would we like to do it more? Yes!! But we work separate lives (me sahm and he works from 10-7) and we are both tired. We usually take advantage of weekends. We've both placed blame on each other, but that doesn't help. We're slowly getting better about treating each other nicely (sex-ily) and trying to both initiate and me acting "sexier". It's hard, but we're both trying to make an effort. :)

3 moms found this helpful

1-2 times a week sounds normal to me but every couple is different I guess as we were never having it daily even before the kids. Once I stopped breastfeeding my drive improved greatly. Also, I told my husband he would have best success at a time when I knew the kids wouldn't be needing me (being called to by your child does not really put you in the mood). So after the kids go to bed I am usually more up for it.

2 moms found this helpful

I think if he was cheating he wouldn't ask you to make "moves", I also think that 1-2 times a week is not bad at all. Do you want more sex because you enjoy it or because is a way you can check on your husband?
Even if lack of sex could or couldn't be a sign, you say right, men (and many women) like sex so why would stop having more? For what you say he is being a very good husband and dad, that is your best prove he is in love with you. Don't keep accusing him about cheating, I hate when people accuse me for doing thins I don't do.
I would like to point at other possibility, with so many people loosing their jobs, and the economy as it is, he may be very stress out, he is the responsible of all the bills, and with 3 kids now he may just be very stress for provide for his family.
I say, if you only want to have sex as a way for you to check if he is cheating, stop it, is no a good enough reason. If you want more sex because you like it, do the "moves". You don't have to do a striptease (you could if you want) a simple passionate kiss will send the menssage, or even more easy, just say "I want you and I want you now."
If what are you looking from sex is a conection with your husband, sex is not the only way, ask him if he wants a massage, talk while doing it, chances are all that oil and rubbing will end in something else (blink, blink) ;0)

2 moms found this helpful

Wow, your husband sounds great! He talks about your problems, he helps with the kids, he takes you out, he helps you cook and clean, lets you sleep --man, EVEN I want to make a move on him.

Don't be shy! Make a move on that sexy guy! He's not cheating.

2 moms found this helpful

Okay, three kids can change everything!! My husband knows if he doesn't "try" by a certain hour of the night, there is little to no hope of even waking me up. Right now he is home with the kids all day and I am working all day, so when I get home we both take on the house work and kids. I try to cook and clean to give him a break, but then I'm exhausted by the time I get in bed. I make moves whenever I want to...because I learned I wasn't going to sit back upset that he wasn't making the move. He LOVES when I make the move. But I love when he does because then I feel wanted. So it's a 50-50. And it totally depends on our week. On a normal week, where we aren't running in 15 different directions, I'd say 3-4 times...other times, we go a week without. It totally depends on so many things! But I wouldn't say he is cheating. He sounds like a really good man...go for it! Make the move! And enjoy!!!

2 moms found this helpful

Give a kid candy every day and then take it away. Will he fuss about it? Yeah!

I'm gonna share what has worked for us...

It took my husband three years to ask me to make a move and take some initiative every once in a while... I wondered why he was asking, and he just told me he likes feeling wanted/needed.
As ridiculous and as terrible as it may sound, we scheduled sex for a while. It was his need and our way to reconnect from the hectic life we live. We made it a priority that way and even if I was too tired or he was coming late from work, w/e, we stuck to it and That kind of helped us sail through it. We stopped doing it once things were better with that and we got tired of scheduling and wanted for it to be spontaneous again. I keep in mind when the last time was so I don't let too many days go by before getting to it again....

About the # of times, I would say, don't let that stress you. It is needs-based in my opinion... For example, a rough week at work might make your hubby want to do it every day...

2 moms found this helpful

Maybe he's just one of those guys who is overly attracted to pregnant women. You being pregnant may just make him extremely randy. There are guys like that. You're still having sex every week, and more than once every week, so I don't think he is straying. I mean, I don't know either of you, or the whole situation, but based on this it doesn't seem that way. He is obviously attentive and caring, count your blessings on that! You've been through three children together, so I am assuming you've been together for quite some time. Eventually, it's normal for the sex to taper off a little as you grow more emotionally and in other ways. The sex is definitely still important, and if it slows more, then I might start to get concerned.

2 moms found this helpful

every relationship is different . I want to say I read in men's health that the poll they took said 2-3 times a week was more of the "norm". But who is to say what is normal. Before i had kids, we both were on second shift and it seemed daily we were engaging in sex. And then i went to days and he was on nights. So it dropped off, as we weren't home together. Then when he went to days, it picked up again. I got pregnant, and it seemed like 4-6 times a week. After i had our daughter it dropped back to maybe once a week. Then we started to pick up to 3-4 times a week and i got pregnant again. This time around, I am carrying so different, that my husband admitted that he isn't attracted to me right now. So we haven't done anything in about 5 months, and i am due in 2 weeks. I am sure afterwards things will pick back up, but life gets in the way.

My husband is the type of guy that doesn't think about sex, or even care if he is getting it. We try to always talk openly about everything. And it has definatly helped to talk about everything, so we both know where we are coming from. He says he isn't cheating, so you need to trust him. That will take a toll on your entire marriage if you don't trust him. Especially since he says he isn't cheating at all.

2 moms found this helpful

There is no # of times anyone should be having sex? The question is can you and your husband compromise the amount you do? It sounds like he gave you reason…He wants to be wanted by you as well. It will get more comfortable the more you do approach him. All you need to do is wear some sexy underwear and he will know you don't intend to go do the dishes, you know. Please don't fight or make accusations. It only hurts, never helps. Well at least in my experience. Best wishes.

2 moms found this helpful

I know each couple is different and even at different times of their lives their sex life varies. However, my husband was very interesed in sex before and during my pregnancy and seemed thrilled that our baby was on its way. But after delivery, he seemed maybe a bit "turned off" by knowing a baby and it's requirements (nursing, me getting up nights, my talking a lot about the baby's activities, etc.) had changed our lives. I was very loving and he was extremely helpful in the house, but eventually, he only wanted to have sex about every 10-14 days, and I still thought we were going through an adjustment period. I found out later, however, that within 3 months of our child's birth, he had arranged to meet a girl for drinks. She was not interested in going to bed with a married man, but about a year later, he found someone who was and had an affair which began when the baby was 2 years old and it went on for the next 1-1/2 years. I believed his late afternoon calls from work saying, "Sweetie, don't fix dinner tonight; I have to meet with some guys from out of town for dinner", and also the many Saturday afternoons "at the gym", so I didn't know another woman was involved. And as I said, he worked hard around our house and played with the baby and laughed with me when he was at home...but just no sex for long periods, like 10-14 days. So, somehow, the affair went unnoticed by me. It ended when I finally found out, but our marriage also ended a few years after that, basically because of the distrust the affair had caused. I am not suggesting this lady's husband is unfaithful, and yes, once or twice a week sex sounds good to me. But two weeks? That should have been my clue, that and the fact that he basically started acting like I was a great Mom but not like his "girlfriend/wife" anymore.

2 moms found this helpful

First of all, with three kids, one of the five months old, once or twice a week sounds pretty darn good. Accusing your man of cheating will not accomplish anything. I suggest you take some control of your own sexuality. You need to be able to initiate sexual contact with your husband, not just for his feelings of being attractive to you, but for yourself. It is empowering and can lead to a better quality of sex, especially important when the quantity dwindles. Sometimes it is important to just sit on your husband's lap and make out with him a little bit. Doesn't have to lead to anything, but it reminds him that you still see him as a sexual being and he should not just see you as the caring nurturer for his children.

A lot of women suffer from a lack of confidence when it comes to their sexuality, but my during many of the candid conversations my husband and I have had about sex, he assures me there are few things sexier than a woman showing sexual confidence. Do some research. Get a couple of books. Get your groove on! You won't regret it.

2 moms found this helpful

I would try to stop fighting about it and work on letting go of your insecurities , I would think that would add more stress to the situation and create more distance from getting jiggy with it! My husband and I don't have a set number of times we do it, one week it could be a lot, then we could not do it for a week. But, just because we are not having sex, doesn't mean we aren't kissing each other, holding, snuggling, hugging, or a quick booty pinch, etc...Maybe try some of these things. Even though my husband works outside, I love it when he comes in the door and wraps his arms around me. If you feel uncomfortable making a move, maybe just start with hugging your husband when he gets home and kissing his neck. It will feel good to him and you:)

1 mom found this helpful

you SHOULD have sex as often as you want to. There is no magic number. As long as you are doing it...that is good and once or twice a week is pretty good with three kids. We average that with only 2 kids. although i have to ask, why are you shy on making a move with your husband? I mean, it's your husband...not some guy you just met...who has seen you at your best and worst. Do you feel silly about it? you don't need to get all dolled up and try to be supper sexy. just flirt with him while sitting on the couch watching TV after the kids have gone to bed or once your in bed...snuggle up REAL close. guys like it when you initiate the act just as much because they feel wanted and also takes the pressure off them. Also, esp. having a baby my husband liked when i initiated b/c he knew i also wanted it and wasn't just "giving in".... and that is a big turn on.
your husband sounds like a good guy...taking care of the kids, helping out with the housework...it does get exhausting...but you do have to remember to take time for yourselves too, even if it means staying up 1/2 hour later than you planned on :)

1 mom found this helpful

I think you just need to listen to him and make a move.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi S., he's probably not cheating. My husband and I have been married for 29 years and we have also had numerous talks and arguments because I don't initiate (Make a move) you are not alone, I'm still a little shy in that area, why after having 3 kids I don't know but i am. He told me that men need to feel that their wives are attractive to them, and when we initiate sex that's how we make them feel, they need to feel loved and wanted just like we do. I know in my marriage it seems to be more about a release than romance, my husband like yours is great he helps out around the house cooks dinner on his days off, and he settles for at least 3 times a week, he wants more he's 54, and still can do it everyday, but what you have to realize like I did, hey they still want us, and that is what is most important. I make time for my husband, our kids are grown but a run a daycare care and I have kids some times 14 to 16 hours a day, I also have kids over night at times, and have Military kids live with us while parents are deployed and I am 53 so i know about being exhausted, but I make time at least 3 nights a week and if it's more then it;s a treat for him, the making the move, I'm still working on that one. J.

1 mom found this helpful

I am a stay-at-home dad for the past 7 years, & work part time at night. Here's my opinion on things from a man's point of view.
Since your husband is doing all the good things you listed, he is not cheating. If he was slacking on family duties, activities, working odd schedules, & not interested in you at all, then worry about possible cheating.
Don't be afraid to initiate the first moves on sex. While most women are more complex, & need some "warming up" to sex, men need very little. Wearing lingerie, or even just your under garments, could be enough to give a signal for sexual activity. The easiest guaranteed method is just to simply "touch", or rub him in the right spot, & he will be ready. It also let's him know you are still attracted to him. Take control of the situation using hand or oral stimulation and be on top, letting him just relax & enjoy the experience. Will make him feel better, & wanted, & will improve your marriage.

1 mom found this helpful

Just a quick thought--I know some men really don't want anymore kids, so they aren't as eager. Even with birth control, there's always a chance and that may be a turn off. Just a thought.

Anyway, it sounds like you guys both want each other, but life's getting in the way. I wouldn't jump to conclusions!

1 mom found this helpful

Ask him for a back rub. It feels wonderful, it's intimate and it doesn't necessarily have to lead to the next thing but often does. PS keep him exhausted at home and feed him lots of garlic and onions.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi. Once a week, maybe, and that's good. I only have one child right now (hoping for number 2 soon), but I work long hours and by the time I get home it's late and my husband is tired (sounds funny a man being too tired for sex, but it's true). he also likes mornings better, and on the other hand, I'm not the morning type, although sometimes I give in if it's been a while and I know he really wants it. Usually, we have some time on weekends when my 2 yr old is napping, but other times we're running errands and shopping, or sitting by the pool. So I think you're doing good if you have time for sex twice a week. Why do you think your husband is cheating? No, guys don't always think about sex, some guys do and some guys are cheats but there are decent men out there. Your husband sounds like a nice guy, helping you around the house. My husband watches the baby and works from home, and also does everything around the house (except I cook, clean and do laundry), keeps the house clean, etc. and I trust him completely and have no reason to doubt him. So unless you're getting weird phone calls at home, or see unknown numbers on his cell phone or see him disappearing for hours, coming home from work late, etc, you should have no fears. If he loves you, he'll understand that you two are leading busy lives and have other priorities now, and that sex is secondary. To me, it sounds like he already understands that and you may be driving yourself crazy over nothing. Have faith in your relationship.

You have a wonderful husband !!!! Sex once or twice a week is not bad considering you have 3 children etc. The quantity is not important but the quality right ? Is there some other reason you think he is cheating on you ? Be happy with what you got !

i didn't read all of your responses, but i agree with most of the ones i did read...
i definitely wouldn't assume he's cheating, it doesn't sound like that at all from what you wrote. It sounds like he just needs to know that you are still interested. Men need to feel needed as much as we do! Talking doesn't make these things better - actions do! Show him how much you love and want him! He sounds like a great husband! But sounds like their might be some insecurities on both sides here!

I understand exhaustion - we have an 11 year old and 7 month old twins and we've had our times of being exhausted or overwhelmed over these 7 months. It definitely takes a toll on intimacy, but i think its important to find those times in the week somewhere to enjoy eachother! Whats normal for one couple isn't normal for another, it all depends what your relationship needs. But it sounds like your relationship needs something more!

Try to put away insecurities and focus on how much better your marriage would be if you only make a move! Once you get the hang of it, you'll be making moves like crazy :) You just have to step out of your comfort zone, and who better to do that with than your husband!
Good luck and have fun!

I have realized that there are times when men like to feel wanted they way we women do. Try spicing up your sex life by being a little more aggressive and showing your man that you want him. Complimenting and initiating it...if you are shy just take baby steps.

another mom posted that it felt ridiculous and terrible to schedule sex, but how much it helped. yes it helps, and no it's not ridiculous and terrible! raising littles is incredibly rewarding and wonderful, but it's also the busiest and most stressful time of your life. schedule sex! not only does take away the burden of who's going to make the first move, but then you have the delicious anticipation to enjoy as well as the actual scrumping. and when it's planned, it's less likely to be perfunctory, and more likely to be hawt.
stop accusing this nice fellow of cheating and start making big Xs on the calendar!
khairete
S.

Dear S., I think this is something a couple has to decide among themselves. Some do more than others and yes, men seem to want more than women. Grandma Mary

I had pelvic rest with my last pregnancy due to placenta privia and for 6 months was not allowed sex so I thought my husband would be desperate after we had the baby we've only been together like three times and the baby is three months old now. This is our second child I blame his age men peek in their twenties once their 30 it changes plus men might
be scared to have another child in your case. You said he was fine during your pregnancy which my husband wasn't he feels funny about being with me during pregnancy--doesn't want to hurt the baby, etc. Also if you have the baby in your room for a while that might make him feel funny.

The rang is so different for everyone. Even at different times! My husband and I can go for quite a while w/o having sex. Sometimes we have sex everyday. It just depends on what else is going on. We have 2 kids, and they keep us busy! Also (like someone else wrote) they seem to wake up, have a nightmare, need something, etc often when we try! If this is the only reason you suspect he is cheating, I wouldn't worry. If you have other feelings or concerns, then you might want to go with your gut.
Many men like when the woman is sexually aggressive twords them (sometimes!) It may be the start of some thing new and great! You never know! Even if you can make small moves to him, it may help. You should be comfortable with it too. Your husband sounds great, and you are lucky. Lots of women don't have so much help/support.loving husbands! Wishing you the best!

wow 2 times a week !! i would be happy i am lucky if we do it once every 2 weeks my husbnad works long hours and when he gets home its dinner and bed so only when he is off do we get off..lol... but we seem to have 2 kids that i swear can hear use undressing in their sleep and always need something or have a nightmare or forgot to tell us something ( nothing like having your husband screem so he can be heard outside our bedroom door to go back to bed and mommy will be there in a min.. while he is laying on top of u) or having my daughter ask why the door is locked and scremaing for her daddy when she gets her hand stuck under the door..

than being said i dont think your husband is cheating i think sometimes life just gets in the way!! maybe you both could try to be more forward in what u guys want!!! good luck...

Sure you had sex everyday when you were pregnant - what an opportune time for sex - the "worst" has already happened LOL. My husband seemed to lose interest after each kid was born and I know it was because he didn't want anymore so soon (neither did I), and I was a very fertile woman back then.
As for wanting you to initiate, perhaps it's because he knows you are tired after being a SAHM all day and he doesn't want you to feel pressured.